Series 4 (Re)Imagined
by rhinestonecowboy
Summary: Caroline deserves a fairy tale ending in all the different incarnations we imagine for her. I'll dip my toe and keep adding my voice. Though - per the happily ever after genre - there may be bumps along the way. Only signed reviews will remain published.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Going to give this a tentative shot. Caroline and Eleanor give me far too much happiness in the writing to put them on a shelf forever. I'm re-writing as I go, and it will be very very slow progress, I'm afraid. But Imagined 4 does wrap at Christmas, and I am a goal-oriented person. The happy ending will still be the happy ending, and it's not like I'm going to remodel completely, but there might be new and there will be revised content. Maybe this time the sex will be better. If you missed the first merry-go-round, this is a new beginning for Caroline post Season 3 that appeared a while ago and ended in calamity. But like I said, writing these characters brought me lyfe with a y, so I brought them back. Won't really be engaging on the reviews, though if you have a 'hey this is weird and not quite,' or a 'hey this resonated for me,' I absolutely thank you for it._

* * *

"It's not, not as if I remember very much. I mean very much at all from that afternoon. You understand of course?" Caroline worried a white tissue between her fingers until it tore.

"Yes of course Ms. Dawson."

"It's McKenzie-Dawson. We changed our names, you see. When we were…" ' _It's really none of their business. Being gay. A lesbian. Married.'_

What Kate was to her, what they had been. It wasn't relevant. Then again Kate was her wife. Was. Her wife. For a day. Not really anything at all. A day. What would anyone think of a marriage that lasted just a day? Not legitimate. Not _real_.

"When we got married you see, we changed our names. For Flora. For the baby. It's less confusing that way." She fished through the pocket of her camel overcoat for a fresh tissue and held it to her eyes in an effort to contain her mascara, then quickly dabbed her nose. She looked up and made direct eye contact with the police sergeant. Challenging.

"What I mean to say is that it would have been less confusing that way. People have a way of being easily confused." Her challenge went unmet as the close crop of his red hair remained bowed, studying the notes he made. Her wife and their relationship seemed of no concern to him. At least the wife part. Caroline thought it might. She wasn't sure if his indifference made her more or less upset. It certainly didn't make her less angry. She had so much anger, now.

She glanced away from the top of the sergeant's head and studied the hallway outside the office where she sat staring through the cross hatch of the shatterproof glass. The light in the police station was pallid yellow. Old incandescent bulbs in an old station in an old city that saw little crime. In a city that was supposed to be safe. Had been safe for all this time. That was why they'd moved to Harrogate, of course, the nice part, she and John, all those years ago. An academic purgatory but a quiet, safe city to raise the boys. A place where drunk drivers didn't knock down people's brand-new wives in the middle of the afternoon. A place where lives weren't destroyed by carelessness.

She turned back to the sergeant. "Is that all? May I go now?"

"Ah, yes." The tall young man in the dark uniform stood and turned with Caroline as she skirted the table, coat over her arm. She snapped her jacket back down into place and stalked toward the door. He met her eyes for a moment. "Sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." Caroline flashed him a tight smile, still challenging him to look away, which he did. She stepped out of the office and continued down the hallway, not glancing back. She walked with her head high, back straight, and heels clicking on the black and white checkered floor. A distracted administrator buzzed her through the outer door, where Celia waited.

"Are you really done? Have they learned anything new?" Celia rose as Caroline paused to dig through her purse and fetch her keys.

"I think I am done, yes. And no, I don't think I told them anything new. They have the people responsible. At least they believe they are. Responsible." She exhaled up through her thick blonde bangs and paused. She glanced back down the station hallway, remembering the first time she'd been here. The day Kate had died.

"Just closing things out, I suppose." She glanced back at Celia with no real focus. "Shall we go, then?"

"Yes dear. Are you sure you're quite all right?" Celia looked up, her perpetual look of skepticism always softer than Caroline's, but full of the same knowing.

"Yes. No. I don't know." Caroline pulled on her gloves, and lead them both out the door.

* * *

"Ms. Dawson? Ms. Dawson?" Caroline looked up to see the now familiar face of DCI Jane Hayden approaching. She'd been lead on Kate's case, the one to meet Caroline at the station, establish her claim as Kate's next of kin. A tall, fit, black-haired, efficient woman who seemed bright enough at her job but could never find her way clear to remembering Caroline's name. First or last.

"Yes, DCI Hayden?" Caroline could damn well remember the inspector's name. She favored her with a practiced, patient look, one she reserved for residents on the shit list asking for favors. Head tilted, keys in hand, coat and purse still crooked in her arm.

"Ah, yes Ms. Dawson. I'm sorry – Ms. McKenzie Dawson." She offered a nod to Caroline and a glance and nod at Celia. "I'm sorry to stop you on your way out. I'd asked Jones to ring me when you'd finished."

Caroline's mildly curious expression strained further as she waited for Jane Hayden to come around to a point.

Hayden scowled drummed her fingers on the hood of the stormy gray Jeep. "We have an update in the status of the case, and I wanted to make sure and tell you personally."

Caroline's expression stretched further as her heart hit her toes. "Yes?"

"Ah, yes, the people we've got – we've struck a plea deal." Tallest of the trio standing on the street corner, Hayden looked down at Celia and at Caroline. "The driver will be going to prison. For a while. The passenger has been granted parole. She wasn't strictly complicit, and she did assist us in the end. Gave us the full story."

"I see. Well then, that's good news, isn't it?" Caroline's smiled strained to breaking, her lips all but disappeared in an ever-thinning line. "Thank you, DCI Hayden."

The dark-haired woman stepped forward and offered her hand. "Of course, Ms. McKenzie-Dawson." It seemed her memory had improved. "And please, it's Jane. It seems I know enough about you that you might at least know something about me. Starting with my name."

Brown eyes met Caroline's blue. Kind eyes, always backlit, always encouraging. Reassuring. Caroline had not noticed that before. She'd not been noticing much, lately.

"And - my card, in case you need anything - at all."

Caroline accepted the handshake, a firm one, and the card, and permitted a bit of warmth and a bit of gratitude in her voice. "Jane it is. Thank you."

Jane Hayden turned down the sidewalk and disappeared into the precinct. Caroline blipped open the Jeep and kept moving. She didn't have any intention of talking about this any further with her mother.

Celia didn't offer any visible or verbal resistance to Caroline's silence.

"That's that, then." Caroline paused, glanced over her shoulder and pulled into traffic. Back to the house. Back to Flora. Back to a life she didn't want and didn't recognize, no matter how many days piled onto each other.


	2. Chapter 2

"Beverley?"

"Yeeesss?" Her assistant popped her head into the doorway of Caroline's office.

"Did you get the bursaries yet for fourth quarter last year? I know you'll tell me as soon as they're here, but I thought I'd ask anyway." Caroline peered over the steel rim of her glasses toward the doorway of her office.

Beverley's return gaze traveled over her shoulder to the accumulating swirl of snow outside. Her brow scrunched and she barred her teeth in a cheery grimace. "No. Sorry. Kent's still polishing them up. Should be here in jiff."

Kent. Her lovelable but hateable treasurer. "Well I've finished fixing the rest of the report ages ago, so I suppose I'll just sit and twiddle my thumbs until lunch. Thank yooouu." She waved her fingers and Beverley disappeared.

And suddenly reappeared. "Can I get you anything? Tea? Biscuit?"

Caroline's shoulders dropped an inch and she felt a little more air reach her lungs. "No. But thank you Beverley. Really."

Beverley replied with a dip of her chin and closed the door.

Caroline turned back to her computer. She was still absolutely at loose ends. The final reports should assembled already. She'd look undone tonight in front of the governors, and she was tired of looking or being undone, much less everyone assuming she was. It had been eight months, after all. A new teacher – a replacement for Kate had been hired, the world had moved on. If she couldn't make it look like she had too, well - it meant whispers. Questions. Two things she abhorred. Why didn't they serve wine at the quarterlies, anyway?

She picked up her mobile and dialed Greg. What a mixed but useful blessing he'd turned out to be. "Hello – yes, hello ,Greg it's me." God at least she wasn't asking another favor of John. It turned her stomach every time she had to ask John for anything. There were always strings attached. Ropes. Chains, actually, when it came to asking that man for favors.

"Just fine, yes Greg, thanks. I'm sure you noticed the snow." She looked out at the darkening quad beyond her office windows and noticed the flakes herself. Rare and beautiful in Harrogate. It wasn't even the despicable rain-snow mix. Just a fluffy white, peaceful pain-in-the-ass ass blanketing the roads.

Mouth full of marbles Greg mumbled something on the other end of the line.

"Yes well, you know it's the governor's meeting tonight. Quarterly. Yes. Yes – I'll be home late, later if the weather keeps on like this."

He spoke again. A smile, a look down and a pinch to the bridge of her nose. "She is?" Winter really was going at it out there. "Mmmm yes. I do miss being present for these things. But you're there. That's something isn't it?" Her lips tried to smile and she couldn't pull it off. "Well thank you. Dinner's in the fridge. Lawrence is supposed to be home from Angus's by six. He's promised, so do let me know if he's late. I'm sure he will be. You don't have to say anything. Just let me know, yes?"

Agreement came from the man across town. "Good. Thank you Greg. Bye bye."

She replaced her phone on the desk. A moment later it buzzed. A selfie of Greg and Flora. She, poking his face with a chubby finger as he looked toward the shot, both all ears and teeth. She stared at it and a thin trace of a smile appeared. She texted back. _'Love it. Thanks.'_

* * *

"No, Eleanor, in fact we _haven't_ seen an increase year over year. I know it seems that way, but when one accounts for the increase of the discount rate and adjusts for overall inflation we're quite steady." Caroline stared up from her papers and across the vast expanse of the shining conference table, doing her best to mask frustration.

"Yes Caroline, but our pupil's family's pocketbooks don't take the discount rate into account - do they?" The brown eyed-woman with the long auburn hair arched her well-shaped eyebrow at Caroline and stared her down.

Caroline sat back in her chair and caught her breath. Perhaps if she waited, her totally useless in these meetings but otherwise brilliant and very reliable treasurer Kent might weigh in. But he'd long ago been cowed by the governors. No joy.

"Are you looking for a _decline_ in tuition, Eleanor?" She cast another expectant look around, passing the responsibility for Eleanor's missive back to silent men and women who'd suddenly become quite interested in their own papers and mobiles. "If _anyone_ has thoughts or strategies for decreasing tuition which we have not yet thoroughly exhausted in theory or practice, feel _free_ to chime in." Not many met her gaze. She knew she often came off preachy. Or bitchy. But the board was long used to that, and she was chum the moment they thought otherwise.

"Well then." She met Eleanor's raised eyebrow and steady gaze with one of her own. Headmistress she may be, but none of the governors sat at the table here without a serious amount of his or her own gravitas. It wouldn't do to show weakness of any sort.

"You've quite missed my point Caroline. Wrong end of the stick entirely. Per usual, when it comes to tuition." A general shifting of bodies and papers continued around the table in the heavy silence of the library.

Dr. Eleanor Strathclyde held sway in opinion and in votes when it came to the governors, and had long been an antagonist. A complete albatross really, since Caroline had started. From her Manolo Blahnik heels to her Dolce and Gabbana specs, a PhD of her own from Oxford and a ten-year history with the school, she carried considerable weight in the room. She had two students enrolled. One just completing her A levels and one on the way to uppers. Her financial support of the institution had not been insignificant.

"Have I missed your point, Eleanor? I think I gathered it quite clearly." ' _Steady on, Caroline.'_ There was always the fine line to walk between bitchy and impossible.

"Yes of course you did. But I see now's not the time to labor it. And as always the financials overall seem in good order. Have Beverley ring me. We'll schedule lunch." Eleanor gestured absently and looked back down, signaling a close to the conversation.

Caroline did not hide her disdain as she kept her glare fixed on the top of the other woman's head. She waited precisely long enough to make the pause uncomfortable, punishing everyone in the room. "Then we have finished. Is there a motion to conclude the meeting? Yes. A second? Yes. All in favor?"

Back home Caroline trudged through the accumulating slush and snow. Kicking the New Year off right. A full glass of wine, a full house, and an empty bed.

* * *

"Well you look worse for the wear." Celia spared a glance up from her spot on the loveseat with Alan and Flora as Caroline arrived home, cold inside and out.

 _'_ _Thanks for that, mum. Just what I wanted to hear.'_ Caroline slipped out of her navy heels and sank into the couch. "Mmmm hmmmm. _Doctor_ Eleanor Strathclyde and her band of merry men seldom make for a pleasant evening." She smiled broadly over to Flora. "Let me have her. A little love wouldn't be unwelcome. Spit up maybe – love no."

"Well this one will make you forget all about it. Here you go. She's been a real delight tonight, hasn't she Alan?" Celia looked over to where he sat on the loveseat with the paper.

"Oh yes regular teddy bear that one. Think she's finally given up on the colic." Alan eyes twinkled at Flora as Caroline lifted her overhead for a thorough looking over before tucking her against her chest. It was hard to be apart from Flora all day. Flora still felt like Kate, and Caroline still missed Kate. Terribly.

She smiled and for the first time that day it covered her whole face. Flora grabbed at her hair before squirming around to face her grandparents.

"Where's Greg?"

"Oh he's gone off somewhere to meet his partner. His comic book partner. Figuring out how to draw women in smaller tights with larger bosoms, I suppose." Celia's disdain of Greg's profession quite obviously shadowed her general misgivings for the man himself.

"Scoff all you want, mum. He's been a real godsend around here." A level look from Caroline around a wriggling tiny brown body. It was a hard truth she'd taken months to accept herself.

"Well I know that of course. But still." Celia finished her sentence without finishing her thought - though her intent was never unclear.

"If anyone should have a hard time with Greg being here it's me. But we make the best of things don't we? Don't we Flora?" She looked into her daughter's bright, liquid-ink eyes with crinkled blues of her own.

Celia remained unconvinced. "I suppose."

"Well that's what I'm doing, mum. Making the best of it. I know you don't approve. I know you didn't approve of Kate, and now here we are. You and Alan saddled babysitting our illicit love child."

"Now Caroline you know that's not how we feel." Alan sat up, put down the paper and removed his glasses. "Not at all."

"Not you Alan, I know that. But this one's a different story." Caroline directed her gaze at her mother.

"I think that's our cue. Come on. It's been a long night for her, she's not thinking before she speaks." Celia patted Alan's knee and rose. She walked over to Caroline and planted a chaste, dry peck on her cheek. "Goodnight my love." She kissed Flora, this time with a smile. "And goodnight, my other love."

"Goodnight mum," murmured Caroline, frustrated with her own petulance. "Thank you for watching her." Flora was one of her greatest joys. But a single mum? Flora also meant debt. Constant debt to others. Part of the price she'd always pay for loving, and losing, Kate. She could not imagine it ever retired.


	3. Chapter 3

_'_ _God what a… a haughty bitch.'_ Caroline looked up from the lunch menu and feigned interest as Eleanor Strathclyde rambled on. Beverley had dutifully followed up on the woman's request at the Governor's quarterly, and now here they were.

"Mmmmm? I'm sorry, I'm afraid my attention wandered, what was that?" An old stratagem she'd long used, pretending to lose the plot. A trick she'd learned from men ages ago.

"You and I aren't meant to be friends, are we, Caroline? We've certainly given it a proper go over the years, a good façade, but I just don't think it's meant to be."

Eleanor's response shocked Caroline out of her haze as the other woman dropped the droll small talk they'd been prattling through. At lunches – but also at social functions, meetings, engagements, commencements, event after event through the decade. Their kids had grown up together, practically. Once – once – when they met there had been a - spark. But there had also been John. So they'd always been cordial, but never really close.

"I didn't know that was what we were going for. Friendship. I thought a nice, full, acquaintanceship had developed. When you weren't nipping at my heels over tuition rates." Caroline looked down at the table, but smiled, as she emphasized the last.

"Nipping at your heels?" Eleanor smiled back and her warm, bright hickory eyes traveled back and forth, left to right, right to left on Caroline's. The effect was – effective.

"It's an expression." Caroline paused for a sip of water.

Their waiter seized the opportunity. "Have we decided, ladies?"

White winter light poured in through the café windows, and nothing sounded better than shepherd's pie. Still – she'd had one too many of those recently. She jumped right in, not waiting for Eleanor. Another power play she'd learned, not to be deferential simply for the sake of it. "Ah yes, thanks. I'll have the snapper, with the kale salad. Dressing on the side."

Eleanor stared at Caroline, grin at the corners of her finely full lips coming and going.

"Caroline, as usual, excellent judgement. I'll have the same, please."

"Of course. And would you ladies like bread?"

A simultaneous "no" from the table.

"Thank you." He gave a half-bow and breezed away.

Eleanor looked pained by an absence, as though she'd lost an earring. "It's the downfall, isn't it? Bread?"

Caroline decided this didn't have to ruin her entire day. She had had more than one pleasant chat with the woman and always enjoyed her wit, when it wasn't aimed at her. "I'd say it's wine for me, but bread certainly doesn't help the situation."

"No. It doesn't. And I'd love to learn about your downfalls when it comes to wine."

Now her breath hitched as Eleanor's merry eyes stuck on the lie of Caroline's silver necklace against her chest, visible through the fold of her blouse placket, for just a split second longer than perhaps they should have.

She put the conversation on safer ground. "Anyway. Nipping at my heels. It's just an expression. But honestly, you do seem to have something to say about my leadership at Sulgrave Heath at every turn."

"Well it's not reserved for you. I always have something to say. You know how it is for women in senior positions. Speak up or put up. I haven't slacked the reigns with you at Sulgrave Heath any more than I have the boys at Anadyne."

"Well I see how the pharma industry might be quite hostile. It's the kind of constant putting-in-place I've come to expect from men. But it's quite trying coming from someone I'd more thought might be an ally."

"You're right. We might be - allies." Eleanor sat back, crossed her legs, shifted in her seat and gave what Caroline could seriously only categorize as an appraising glance before she continued. "If you could just see things my way. The right way. I'd back right off."

"Now see that's exactly what I'm talking about." Caroline frowned and was baited – for a moment – before making a pleasant, closer observation of the set of Eleanor's lips. "Ah. You're having me on."

"Yes, Caroline, I am."

It was clear from Eleanor's amusement that she was meant to be good natured about the jest. Fine. Perhaps they could be friends. "I suppose after all this time we might try to be less adversarial. You've been involved with Sulgrave Heath as long as I've been there. And I don't think I ever knew why. You've got enough on your plate without it." She realized she knew quite a bit about Eleanor's children, and her politics when it came to public schools, but very else little about the woman she'd known, admired actually, as a career-oriented, working single mother. More in common there than she'd thought about before.

Eleanor played with her silverware as she continued. Caroline absolutely objectively studied her as she did, her shining, long, dark-auburn hair, wondering how much the woman spent on expensive conditioner every year.

"I do have my plate full. With work, with my daughters - June and Lily. But you know actually, when I was promoted to COO at Anadyne, in some ways it actually freed me up a bit. Lots of minions about to execute strategy." She pantomimed what Caroline presumed were minions executing, "More time at work, but the work was different. More time spent thinking about how we ought to do things. Systems, rather than just endlessly doing things."

Caroline nodded, and both women thanked the waiter as their food arrived.

"And I have a lot more flexibility in the C-suite. The girls are older now. I can barely even get them to come home. We're all in friendly orbit. They don't need me hovering so much." A look down, a look up, and a grin followed. "Well – they don't _want_ me hovering so much." Eleanor picked up her fork and tucked in with gusto. "But I suppose the real answer is that service is important to me. Equity and access is important to me. That's why I'm such a dog with a bone about tuition."

"I can appreciate that. I really can." Caroline nodded, again, doing her best impression of a bobblehead. How had she never realized how much they had in common? _I remember that. When Lawrence and William were finally independent. It gave me more flexibility._ Caroline considered how she might respond next, to a friend. _Should I? Can I?_ _Only one way to know. She knows about John, everyone does, he made sure of that. Might as well be right up front with it.'_

"Unfortunately it gave John more time on his hands too. And that certainly didn't work out well."

She watched carefully for judgement, but Eleanor only made a sympathetic face.

"I'm sorry about that. John. If you live long enough I suppose we all get there. It doesn't make it any easier, though, does it?" Eleanor paused and pushed greens around her plate. But when she looked up her head moved quickly, and now that particular mirth she seemed carry along in every moment lit her eyes dimmed. "When my ex-wife Emma took up with her secretary I was positively gutted. Two young girls at my side and a marriage that evaporated in a moment. I was just a kid myself, really. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think I'd ever be right again."

 _'_ _Oh for fuck's sake how did I miss that about her – an ex - wife?'_ Caroline shoved her fork in to her fish to buy just a fraction of a moment to respond appropriately. What was appropriately? Nonchalance? Curiosity? How about honesty? ' _And why is she telling me this now? Is she, is she actually hitting on me?_ _Well not hitting on me, but perhaps, setting that up? Oh I'm out of my depth here. With the lesbian thing. And she knows it. Look at her, she's a regular cat in cream. She really is a bitch. But – god. She's a glorious one._

"I'm sorry." ' _Now stop talking. That's how you do it. When you don't know what to say. Stop. Talking.'_

"Have I shocked you?" Eleanor crossed her arms and sat back, eyes wide. Caroline let herself take in a face deep with character. Full curves covered in slacks that were just loose enough and tops just tight enough, hiding – what? Eyes that always seemed to be hinting at - something. Above all, always frustratingly flawless in composition and poise. The way Caroline wanted to see herself – the way she wished others to see her.

 _'_ _Doesn't even look like…. Well, like someone I'd really think about shagging. But maybe you knew more than you gave yourself credit, Caroline – about Eleanor…. Oh shit. It's been ages since she stopped talking. Shit. Say something.'_

"No – of course not." _Well that's just not true, and she'll see through you as plainly as you've seen through her._ "Yes, you have, a bit, actually." Caroline smiled sheepishly, and exhaled. She hadn't realized she'd been holding her breath. She saw Eleanor do the same. "I've never had anyone talk to me about her partner that way. So frankly. In fact, other than Kate I suppose you're the first lesbian I've known, I guess, in any real way, so that's something new. I mean if that's how you are still. A lesbian." ' _Shut up, Caroline. Shut up.'_

"Yes. It's how I am - still. Most definitely a lesbian." Eleanor's entire face now looked as if it hurt from holding back laughter.

"I see. Good." ' _Oh god._ _Oh sweet Jesus you're a total sod. If she had been hitting on you that's all over now. And I think I'm a little… disappointed? But it couldn't ever work out anyway. Not with her on the Board. Time to stop fishing from my own pond.'_

Caroline returned her attention to her salad and retrenched her confidence. It didn't last much past Eleanor's response.

"I am hitting on you, if you were wondering. Finally. I've waited ten years for my turn." Eleanor sipped her water. "And I do mean to have it."

Caroline just stared, fork caught in midair halfway to her open mouth.


	4. Chapter 4

"I mean the woman is absolutely fucking _insufferable_. She's so full of herself she can't even hear reason when it smacks her across the face. At least of course when I'm the one delivering it. You know – the reason." Caroline waved her hand in a 'smacking-across-the-face' motion. "But oh my _god_. You're right. I'm attracted to her. Extremely. I'm completely _smitten_. I can't believe it. I can't believe I could think such a thing. I quite hate myself over it." She slammed her wine glass on the table and flopped back on the couch, a nonplussed expression as she struggled to absorb her own epiphany. "Gillian I should have come to you for love advice ages ago."

"Well yes, you should have. But you didn't. I can see why. I mean Robbie and me - not exactly the primrose path and all." Gillian raised her glass, tipped a swallow and sat back herself. "But when it comes to lust anyone'll find herself making excuses. Even you. Trust me."

Gillian finished her glass, sat up and topped off the bottle of wine between them. "And you aren't ' _thinking such a thing,_ ' Caroline. You're feeling it. Heat to toe, by the look of you."

"I have envied those Ferragamos she trips about in." Caroline pantomimed the walk in the air. "Since the pair I ruined on your wedding day, mind you." She planted a finger on Gillian's red and black flannel-clad shoulder for emphasis.

"Don't think I can thank you enough for that. Seeing you covered in cow shit. It's the gift that keeps on giving." Gillian giggled, and offered her glass to Caroline, who wouldn't meet it.

Caroline took a sip on her own and her expression became serious as she launched into a stream of consciousness monologue, complete with accompanying hand gestures. "It's not just that it's Eleanor _fucking_ Strathclyde. It's Kate. You know it's _always_ Kate. It always _was_ Kate. Always. But when I think about Eleanor I get that turn in my stomach – I thought it was dread but you're completely right - it's lust. But you know I feel _something_. But it's fine, it's safe, because it's never going to go anywhere."

She tipped her glass back further and chased the relief of full confession. "And it's nice, just to feel something again. It was like, when I met Kate I'd woken up from some long slumber. I mean that's what it became like with John, just sleepwalking through things. But then when Kate came around, I got hot and cold at the same time. Just talking with someone provoked all these _feelings_. And now with Eleanor it's like that again. I've known her forever, but something has _changed_. And I feel as if I'm betraying Kate, that this other woman makes me feel things – even when it's anger – it's passion. And maybe it wasn't _just_ Kate. Maybe this is what it's like being a _lesbian_. I just don't _know_."

Gillian shrugged and appeared impressed. "Caroline McKenzie Dawson admits she doesn't know something. That's a rare day."

Caroline scowled. "Watch your tongue, miss, because you don't even know the _half_ of it. And if you continue with the attitude I might have a mind to keep the rest to myself."

Gillian gave a stern lip-zipping mime.

"And then there's this other woman. Jane." Caroline peered curiously over her glass at Gillian's anticipated reaction. "With whom yours truly has a _date_ next week." A date that, when anticipated, put an odd, heavy, tingling in her hands and head. She touched her cheek – yes – numb and tingly there as well.

Gillian's mouth opened wide as she dropped a poorly disguised amused pretense. She sat straight up, turning abruptly toward Caroline on the sofa next to her. "What's this? You're having it off with two women at the same time?"

A poke wouldn't do this time. Caroline smacked her arm. " _Noooooo_. Of course not. We save the catting about for you, in this family."

"Well if it's like that then, I don't need to be your confidante."

"Listen. Gillian. I'm not judging. Really I'm not. I mean, honestly, I'd say you're probably my best friend, for what that's worth."

"I guess that's something, it's worth something. To me too." Another clink of glasses and long awkward pause. "So you and your harem? That's what you're twisted up about?"

Wine caught in Caroline's windpipe and she coughed. "My harem. Not bloody likely. I'm all thumbs and elbows when it comes down to it. Women. Dating. What a horrid concept. I mean it's just so _awkward_ all the time. Which is exciting, I suppose, if you go in for that sort of thing. Feeling awkward."

"Yeah but that's what makes it exciting, isn't it? The nerves, the wondering what comes next. Is it going to happen? Is it going to happen here, now, later… knowing you're both at the same thing but not knowing how you'll get there. I'm a bit jealous."

"Well you shouldn't be. Telling some stranger, basically, things you wouldn't even tell your own mum." Caroline's face soured.

"Mums weren't meant to know everything."

"Isn't that the truth."

Gillian leaned forward to set her empty wine glass on the table. She pulled her cardigan tighter and tucked her feet under her. "So. This Jane. How'd you come across her?"

"God." Caroline felt sure Kate would appear on the couch opposite, underlining the guilt-laden irony of the whole situation. "She's a bloody DCI. At Harrogate metro. She was on Kate's case."

"Mmmm. Not like that other one, your Eleanor. Some baggage, there."

"Yep."

Gillian traced the rim of her near-empty wine glass. "You know Caroline, having feelings for someone else, it doesn't mean you didn't love Kate. Doesn't mean you don't still love her. All it means is you have a feeling for someone else."

"I suppose you're right. But you know Kate's still so _real_ to me. And there's Flora. God that beautiful child. She's so Kate. She looks like Kate. I mean she's _ours_. She was meant to be ours when we worked it all out, in the end." Caroline smiled to herself, thinking of Flora. She took a sip of wine and didn't taste it. She frowned again. "You know I can even _see_ Kate sometimes. Plain as day, right in front of me. So all this with Jane. Or Eleanor. Or whatever. It's like cheating, you know, only worse. Because Kate's not even here to forgive me for it."

"But Kate isn't here, is she? That's the nut of it. She's gone Caroline. Don't think I didn't see my Eddie around the corner, every day. In Raff's face, in the mirror, out… in the barn." Gillian paused and looked over to the crackling fire, a warm glow against the cold blue-white snow blanketing the world outside. "You carry them with you. But doesn't mean you don't keep going. That's what life is sometimes, you know, you just keep going."

"I suppose you're right." She cast her own absent stare at the fire.

"I am right. Can't always take my own advice, but I'm right. So what you mean to do about it then, these two?"

"I don't know. It's not as if I even have any privacy. It's a motley crew bunkered in at the house these days. And now John's all cozied up to Greg, and if there's a bigger turnoff than John I've yet to meet him." She finished her own glass and returned it to the end table before turning to Gillian with a nasty grin. "No offense."

Gillian shrugged. "None taken. You're right about John. Wanker. He's just cozy with Greg to get to you."

"Well I _know_ that. Dear god, how absolutely fucking _pathetic_. How did I ever marry that man?"

"Maybe bringing a new hen around'll help get the message across. And the house it is – we know you're lousy booking rooms for holiday." Gillian's teeth showed, as did a shadow behind them.

"Oh now don't bring that up." A fine-edged look from Caroline, provoked more by her own shame and guilt than Gillian's accurate barb. "I was foolish. I mean, I was scared, and so I was foolish. And it cost me a lot. A lot of time with Kate that I won't get back."

"Sounds like what you're meaning is to not make the same mistake. Wasting time when you've got other things you'd rather be doing." Gillian got up and tossed the last over her shoulder, presumably headed out of striking distance. "Other women you'd rather be doing?"

"You nasty little tart."

Gillian's eyes grew three sizes larger in an obvious sarcastic replica of Caroline's pretend offense. "I am. And with any luck, we'll make one out of you too."


	5. Chapter 5

Caroline closed her eyes tightly and bowed her head. When she looked up Kate would not be in the mirror. Would. Not. She opened her eyes, blissfully alone as Jane Hayden walked through the cafe door, a stutter step and a glance about before finding Caroline.

"Hello. Been here long? Am I late?" Jane quickly shed her jacket, draped it over the back of the chair, and sat.

Caroline smiled at her over the rim of her tea cup. "Not at all." She took Jane in, amused at her casually ill-fitting grey pantsuit and long black hair in a ponytail. A woman at ease with herself.

"Good. Hate to lose a minute with you. And I've got to be off on time for my shift." Jane made eye contact with the waitress. "Coffee. Black. Thanks." The waitress nodded and bustled off.

"So how long have you been at Sulgrave Heath?" Jane touched the sugar bowl, the creamer, and the small bud vase at the table and leaned toward Caroline.

"A little over ten years now." Caroline frowned in realization. "Time gets by us, doesn't it?"

"Sure it does. I've been on Harrogate metro for six years now. Swear it feels like I just put on the uniform yesterday." Jane nodded in appreciation as her coffee appeared.

Caroline played with her tea cup in her saucer leaned forward toward Jane, matching her postured and lowering her voice. "I'm sorry, I'm not really sure how this is supposed to go."

"How what's supposed to go?" Jane took a sip of her coffee, winced and slammed it down in the saucer. "That's hot."

Caroline chuckled. She looked over as the door to the café opened and a tall, auburn haired woman breezed through. She spotted them and gave Caroline a shocked look and a wave as she made her way to their table.

"I've been thinking about you all week, and here you are, Caroline. Right under my nose. Imagine." Eleanor laid a hand on Caroline's shoulder. She offered the other to Jane.

"Eleanor Strathclyde."

Jane dipped her head and offered her own. "Jane Hayden."

"Well this is just a bit awkward, isn't it?" Eleanor offered a broad, warm smile to both women. "Are you on a _date_ , Caroline?"

"Yes. And I don't see what's awkward. Jane and I were just meeting for a cup of tea. Nice to see an old friend while I'm at it." ' _Friend category – should be a clear message._

"A cup of tea. How - lovely." Eleanor beamed over at Jane, though her hand never left Caroline's shoulder.

Jane's cell gave a fortuitous buzz and she glanced down. "Be right back, ladies." She held up a finger, flashed a smile, stood with the phone at her ear and walked to the back of the café.

"Oh but she is a looker." Eleanor sat in Jane's vacant chair. "Now that you're on the market, so to speak, I should have supposed that only Harrogate's finest would be on offer."

"Hmmmm?" Caroline peered up at Eleanor and affecting a very disinterested air. Which was, to be quite honest, somewhat difficult given the woman's proximity. And those heels…

"Tall, dark and handsome. And young too. I never took you for a cougar, Caroline." Eleanor's eyes widened. "I'm impressed. You made such a fuss at lunch about not being able to see me socially, and I can understand why now."

"Eleanor I'm really not even understanding half the words that are coming out of your mouth."

Eleanor continued as though Caroline hadn't even spoken, and glanced back at Jane again. "A little lean for my taste."

Caroline gave a great, heaving sigh. "I don't think it's your taste that's in question here."

"I suppose not. But yours remains quite good." Eleanor winked, and Caroline did not, at all, find it in any way attractive.

"Eleanor. You need to hear me properly." Caroline's adopted her stern-lecture attitude.

Eleanor sat up in her chair and shimmied into a stick-straight posture. "I'm listening."

"We cannot do this. Whatever you're doing right now, don't. It's not that I'm not flattered. I am."

"Flattery will get me everywhere, Caroline."

"Listen to me, Eleanor. Jane's an interesting woman and I'd like to see where that goes. And as you noted, she's quite attractive." Caroline let a smile creep into her tone, before returning to a steely frown. "And finally, I've already told you that I have no intention of starting up another illicit affair within the school. One was plenty. You and I are _never_ going to happen. Never. Going. To happen. Are we clear here?"

"Perfectly." Eleanor stood, then bent down to kiss Caroline's cheek. Her lips, warm and full, stayed on Caroline's skin just a second too long for it to be casual. Caroline didn't pull away.

"Always lovely running into you. It really is." She gave a final serene smile and a wave to Jane before heading up to the counter.

 _'_ _I don't mind watching her walk away.'_

Caroline turned back to her "date." ' _Good lord, I'm actually on a date. This is what this is – a date. Is it supposed to be this comfortably uncomfortable? Is this the fun everyone's been talking about?'_

Jane folded her lanky, fit frame back into the chair opposite Caroline.

"Jane – everything alright?"

"Yes. I've got to go here in a second, so I'm glad we're still on for Saturday night. I think I need to hear more details about the night your parents spent in that haunted manor. They're priceless, aren't they? Tell me the whole story. I love a good mystery."

Jane smiled and Caroline smiled right back.

"They can be a handful, but on the whole, yes they are priceless."

"And the woman we just met – do you work with her?"

"Yes. No - not exactly. She's on the Board of Governors at Sulgrave Heath."

"Real boss-lady type?" Jane made a stern face but no one would mistake if for serious.

"Can be."

"I liked her. Reminded me of that actress from that American show with all the wives."

"I'm sorry I don't watch much American television."

"Yes, she does – looks like the first wife. From that Mormon show. Jeanne something."

"I'll have to look that up." Caroline glanced at the cafe door again, where Eleanor had recently come and gone.

Jane chugged her coffee and winced. "Damn. Still hot. But now I do have to make an exit." She leaned down and kissed Caroline on the cheek before Caroline even knew it had happened. "Pick you up at eighteen-hundred even on Saturday. Bundle up. It gets cold in the stands."

* * *

 _'_ _Good lord the full formal regalia weighs a million pounds, doesn't it?_ _Well, I suppose it should, it cost just about as much, all in.'_ She'd never even twitch, but standing at the back of the hall, waiting, Caroline was all fidget on the inside. Her feet were terribly cold clad in stockings and heels mid-January.

The price of fashion. If she were to spend the morning robed like a monk, at least her ankles would look good. She knew they were an asset, along with her legs, her hair, her eyes, her snappy dress. She wasn't a bad looking woman, considering. Caroline had learned how to identify and employ an asset. Ah, but that ridiculous cap.

 _'_ _Here we go then…'_ the music from the organ swelled and Caroline strode up the aisle as the student body rose, faculty and governors in her tow, for the invocation opening winter term.

Staff, students and governors filled in the pews behind her as she ascended to the podium. Pious, trustworthy, wise and authoritarian. She began the invocation, welcoming all, extolling the school and the accomplishments from last term, really building up a head of steam as she transitioned into missives and desires for the weeks ahead.

And then she caught sight of Eleanor in the front pew with the rest of the governors. Fully garbed herself in the Oxford colors and so prim.

 _'_ _Did she just wink at me? My god she just re-crossed her legs and winked at me!'_ Caroline created a stopping point in her remarks and insinuated the pause was for emphasis.

' _But what is it I just emphasized? God I can't even remember what I just said. And what are those heels? And new specs? And her hair – down – she doesn't wear it that way often, and she should….'_

She realized her thoughts had wandered right off the page. She coughed and glanced purposefully at her notes and back at the student body.

 _'_ _Oh this is just insufferable. She may a COO, she may be a governor, she may be Dr. Eleanor-bloody-Strathclyde, but this is going to stop right now. I've told her about Jane, that I think I might want to start seeing her earnestly, that I can't start up shagging in the schoolyard again.'_

She smiled and smoothly continued, picking up her place in her notes and closing by wishing students and faculty both another very rewarding academic season. She did not, would not, let her glance return to Eleanor.

* * *

Caroline looked up from the pile of forms she was perpetually signing at the sound of the sonorous contralto that was becoming increasingly familiar.

"I'll just let myself in, then, Beverley?"

"Dr. Strathclyde, could you please wait – "

"I won't be but a moment. Thank you dear."

Trailing the other woman, Beverley shrugged. Caroline waved her off, and Beverley closed the door behind her.

Caroline permitted herself a thunderous frown. "Just the woman I'd hoped to see. How are you, Eleanor?"

"Oh I like the sound of that, Caroline, you wanting to see me." The smile already on the other woman's face grew wider. "I'm quite well, thank you. Lovely address this morning. Took me all-in. Positively _inspiring_."

Her obvious play of disrespect was met with stern frown over the rim of Caroline's glasses as she stood. The look didn't seem to have any effect on the other woman. Well - actually - was that a twitch of her lips?

"Now listen closely, Eleanor. I don't care if you're a governor, or a wealthy parent, or what you do in your professional life. But inside these walls," Caroline removed her glasses and gave an illustrative gesture as she arched her shoulders back, "I am in charge. I am given respect. No innuendos, no breezing past Beverley, and certainly no _winking_."

"Oh I've really got under your skin, Caroline. I had no idea." Embarrassingly false dismay radiated from Eleanor.

"Oh bullshit. You had every idea. I think that _was_ the idea, in fact."

The two women stood facing each other, mirrors in height, age, and comport - though Caroline's quick temper clearly distinguished them in personality. Caroline walked around her desk to stand directly in front of her, thrust a foot forward, hand on hip, and leaned toward her, glasses in hand pointed toward her target, blouse twisted and tight pencil skirt pulling at her thigh.

Warm light from the desk lamp and incandescent overheads filled the space between them, in contrast with the icy wall in front of Caroline.

"Are we clear, here, Eleanor?"

"Perfectly."

With that, Eleanor stepped forward and hooked her arm around Caroline, who worked hard to muster a legitimate protest.

"Eleanor."

" _This_ is what I really want understand, Caroline. What you're going to feel like in my arms. Because next time I see you this is how I want us to be. And I think you want the same thing. I really do."

"Ok ok, ok – I give. I give." A purr of a smile spanned Caroline's entire face. Gillian the nasty tart had her problems. Then again, Caroline was beginning to see that she also seemed to have an awful lot of fun. Not that she'd ever have it off with two women at the same time. Still, maybe 'dating' wasn't so bad after all.

Eleanor straightened as Caroline pulled slightly back, but did not release her.

"Mmmm. I have a feeling that's a big deal. Caroline Dawson crying 'uncle.'" Eleanor didn't seem in any way to try and hide a satisfied grin.

"It seems you don't care much for what I think."

"That's complete rubbish."

"I told you I meant to start seeing Jane earnestly." Caroline looked at Eleanor with what she hoped passed for disapproval.

"And have you?"

"No."

"Well then." Smiling, Eleanor now kissed Caroline, firmly and too long. And not long enough by a half.

"No. Absolutely not, Eleanor." Caroline placed her palms on Eleanor's shoulders. But Caroline's stomach and her knees were in danger of imminent betrayal.

"Name it then. The place and time when you won't say no. I'll be there."

Caroline put her hands on Eleanor's square shoulders, but did not release her completely. She leaned in under a wave of soft hair to whisper promises she wouldn't mind fulfilling, and a place and time.

"I'll wear my Manolo's." Eleanor smoothed her hair and clothes, touched her neck, the edges of her garnet lipstick.

All Caroline could muster was wide eyed curiosity.

"I've seen the way you look at them."

* * *

"Caroline, do you have a moment for a visitor?" Beverley's voice was particularly chipper.

"Ummm, yes, who's calling?"

"She says it's Jane? Hayden. DCI Jane Hayden."

"Oh. Uh. Yes. Please. Send her in. Thank you Beverly." Caroline clicked off quickly.

 _'_ _This is not awkward._ _Is my lipstick smeared? No. No. I'm perfectly presentable. This is not a thing.'_

"Jane!" Caroline rose with a broad smile. She'd brought flowers. To her. At her office. In public. How sweet. ' _Yes – Caroline, in fact it is_.' Why was Kate all of a sudden having a turn? Caroline smirked at Kate's echo in her head. ' _Playing favorites, love?'_

She met the woman halfway across the floor, turned up and gave her a peck on the cheek as she admired the flowers. Early jonquils, forced bulbs bringing a welcome flash of bright yellow spring. The woman herself was like a flash of spring. Pretty, fresh, full of promise, a little ray of sunshine peeking through the chill.

"You like them?" A hopeful look from Jane.

"Yes. Yes I do. They're quite lovely. Thank you." She really was adorable, this Jane woman.

"I, em, I really enjoyed our 'tea' the other day, and I wanted to see you again. I thought about texting, but this seemed more… personal." Jane met Caroline's gaze openly, everything written right there on her face.

 _'_ _She's just a bit like Kate, isn't she? Guileless. Kind. Sweet.'_ Caroline gave her a bright smile in return. "Thank you. I, umm, I think I like seeing you here." She looked around the office, then tilted her head at Jane with a piercing, curious gaze. "It's a pleasant surprise. You're a pleasant surprise - aren't you?"

"I'd certainly like to think so." Jane bowed a bit and broke eye contact, grinning.

 _'_ _Oh what a tangled web we weave, don't we, Caroline?_ _How am I going to see my way clear of this?'_


	6. Chapter 6

"Ehhhh I guess it's better since Greg turned up. Chap around to quash the drama a bit." Lawrence polished his Newcastle and recovered the Xbox controller just in time to save Angus's ass from a nasty Doomguard.

"You're a lucky man. Not every boy has a comic illustrator hanging about his house." Angus went to scroll on and Lawrence dropped back. Rear guard let him survey the action a little before he committed. They'd been in Angus's room at Warcraft three hours at least, and Lawrence was late to get home. He was with Dad tonight, and at least he wouldn't scream at him like a damn banshee for it. On the other hand there probably wouldn't be anything to eat.

"Yeah. I suppose. I mean, mum's all right sometimes, but sometimes she's a downright wreck. You know she's always got something to say about everything. Gets so you don't even want to open your mouth. And that bloody baby. It never stops." He and scrounged in his bag. Two more. "You want?"

Angus shook his head and then ran right off the face of a cliff. Lawrence shook his can a little and let Angus have a little spray as he popped the tab.

"Bloody – fuck – Lawrence." Angus cuffed him and stopped the game. "Stop. And c'mon - you know your mum's okay. She's just like any of them, isn't she? They've all got to weigh in on this or that. And I did like Kate. Seemed nice enough. Can't be easy, and all."

"I suppose. But I wish she'd just sort herself and get on. Stop taking it out on all us. Didn't matter gran didn't want to go to that silly wedding, and mum had to go and make some scene over it. Only ones care about gay are those idiot blokes at school, no one likes them anyway. And then William, that bit of fluff, always cowing and lecturing. 'Oh mum's got it bad like this, why can't you grow up.' Thinks he's such a big university man now."

"Hey you want to go up with me next Saturday night to the Old Bell and catch a set with that band we saw last month? They were all right."

Lawrence threw himself on to the bed to stare at the ceiling and appreciate Angus's taste in posters, even if all he could muster up was the Victoria's Secret catalog. Ms. Graham would do him just fine any day. "And what've you got to say about it anyway, Angus? Your mum and dad both still here, flitting about like the world's made up of unicorns and rainbows."

"Aw c'mon Lawrence. Let's do it. Won't be any harm if we get chucked out, we can stay here. Mum and Dad are off to York to see my aunt for the weekend. Just my sister here, and she won't care long as we're back before '11 or so. She's studying like mad so she can join the ranks at University. About as full of herself over it as William."

"I don't know. Dad was going to come over, have a lads night in with me and Greg. Mum's got a _date_ , I hear. We're up to video games and takeaway. You could join."

"Nah. I know you think he's really cool, but sometimes John Boy gets on my nerves. Way he cozies up to Greg and all. It's a bit… much."

"He's just happy to have a chap to talk to. Mum's got him so whipped, Greg's good for him. And he knows it drives her mad. Makes me laugh, how he gets under her skin."

"Sometimes you remind me of her, your Mum. Sulking all the time."

"Ahhh fuck off." Lawrence chugged the rest of the can and let out a robust burp of appreciation. "Gotta get on. Stay off the Warcraft without me, you'll get massacred."

"You want a ride? It's cold as your Mum's tits."

Lawrence clapped him for good measure. "True, but only I'll talk about Headmistress Caroline that way, yeah?"

"But man it's cold. Come on, I'll ride you home."

"Nah, walk'll do me good. Gotta keep in fighting form." Lawrence grabbed his back pack and hit the window. Angus's Mum didn't exactly appreciate a nice ale on a Tuesday night the way he did.

"See you tomorrow. Idiot."

"Not if I see you first, mate." Lawrence flipped him the bird and flipped to the ground.

* * *

 _Bollocks it's cold. And dark._ Lawrence soldiered on, but Dad's seemed so much further than he'd really been up for. His last beer was wearing off. Not a best idea to rip one open in the street. He pulled his scarf a little tighter and jumped up and down to get a little more blood to his toes.

"You look cold."

Ahhhh bloody bloody hell. The law out on patrol, out to ruin a perfectly good night. He wasn't exactly drinking age, right, and he probably smelt like the inside of a week-old empty beer can.

"No, not at all. Just fine. Just headed to my Dad's for dinner. Right around the corner."

The woman pulled over anyway, and Lawrence swore under his breath. Which he checked with a cupped hand. Even in the cold it wasn't a subtle affair.

"What's the address?" The woman parked and got out. Lawrence vaguely recognized her. Long black hair and kind of tall. She'd been to the house once, or he'd seen her at the station when he'd been with Mum.

"Well, it's not exactly around the corner. But I'm fine."

"You're not quite in your neighborhood, are you?"

Lawrence looked around and scowled. Why would she say that? He was surrounded by perfectly nice homes, all stacked up next to each other, happy families warm inside. Probably with Mums making dinners and not yelling.

"Ehhh - "

"I mean, you're Caroline Dawson's son, and she's about a mile that way - " The woman pointed toward home, "And I have no idea where your Dad lives. But I don't think it's in one of these nice little cottages."

"How'd you know something like that?"

"I'm a detective. Knowing things is what I do." She came toward him, leaned against a lamp post he was standing under. Didn't seem like she had it in for him. He looked her over a little closer. Slacks, buttoned up shirt, not really any make up - yeah. Yeah she'd made a careful little study of Mum and the family, hadn't she. Well bloody good for Mum. She gave Angus's pin ups a run for it. Smart enough to, catching him without a way out. Mum either had spectacular taste in women, or it was time he revised his ideas about lesbians.

"Well, like I said. He's not far, so, off I go."

"Is that Newcastle you've been enjoying? Ale of some kind. Porter's got a little sweeter smell to it."

Lawrence didn't say anything. That was the plan of attack, when you didn't have anything smart to say.

"How about I give you a ride to your Dad's. Or your Mum's. Your choice."

It was damn cold. But - "I'm sure you've got work, officer."

"Jane. You can call me Jane, please. And since you look to be maybe sixteen, I'm going with - Lawrence?"

"Yeah."

"I take you to your Dad's. Your Mum would shoot you - and me - if I showed with you on the doorstep like this. And that's something neither of us wants. So I give you a lift, and down the road you'll owe me a chit."

Kate was nice and all, but this one he might really be able to get behind. Maybe. "You'd lie to my Mum?"

"No. She asks, you're toast. I catch up with you like this ever again, you're toast. And in fact I might even turn her on to watching you a little more closely from her on out. This isn't a pass. It's a - it's like parole. You keep clean and we have no trouble. One toe astray and it's curtains for you, Lawrence. And like I said - Detective. I'll be watching even when you don't know I'm watching."

He was beginning to see what Mum saw in her, beyond the obvious. Two of a kind. Ball busters who deserved each other. But - live to fight another day.

"Dad's a couple miles south. No cottage for him, so, you got that part."

"Get in. And - go ahead and leave that last beer here for whoever's lucky enough to find it."

Lawrence swore again, opened his bag, and left the last can on the concrete right next to the lamp post.


	7. Chapter 7

_'_ _What does one wear to a football match? I suppose if it's warm enough for Halifax it'll be warm enough for the stadium.'_ Caroline pulled a wool fisherman's sweater over her head. She tucked her necklace under, a gift from Kate, given on the day her divorce from John had been final. She walked back over to the closet. Jeans tucked into fur-lined boots. Perfect.

She paused and thought about how she'd ended up in this predicament in the first place, self-conscious over clothes, and whether someone would judge her shag-able in them. John was up for whatever, whenever. She'd stopped trying with clothes or romance a decade ago. Now, here she was, giving her boots a second glance.

* * *

" _Football?"_ _Caroline crinkled her nose. "Oh I don't think so Jane."_

"Are you sure, Caroline? When have you last been to a match?"

"It's been _ages_. Thank God. I think Joh – I think I took Lawrence a few years back." Caroline rested her heels on her desk and twirled the phone cord in her fingers.

"Oh come. Harrogate AFC and Leeds United? Just an expo match, but it was a real smash up last time they met. All tied up at the end."

"Thrilling."

"Shall we just do tea, then? Gloves and all, like proper ladies?"

"As opposed to shouting nonsense until you're hoarse and pitching about with strangers' pints tossed all down your clothes?"

"Now you're beginning to see the fun in it."

 _'_ _Listen to her, she's like a puppy - I can practically see her tail wiggling. Can't say no to that. Good thing we never got a puppy, then.'_

"Oh all right. You said Saturday night? Well the boys had already chucked me out for their ridiculous lad's night. Though I can't say I'll be able to tell the difference between that and a football match."

"Fantastic. I'll come pick you up. Dress warm."

* * *

Then, of course Caroline had made the mistake of telling her mother. Well, perhaps she'd relished the mistake. Celia could keep paying for her homophobia.

 _"A football match?" Celia crinkled her nose. "Now I know she's gone and done something funny to you."_

"Yes mum, a football match. I know. But that's how it is when you're dating. You do odd things. You make allowances."

"Eh not _likely_. Not if you're being true to yourself. I've never known you to like football, Caroline."

"You and Alan went to a match, that one time, to appease Gary."

"And look how _that_ turned out. Two hours of my life I'll never get back." Celia paused and set her teacup down. "And dating? Caroline really…."

"What mum? Is it too soon after Kate's death, my wife whom you never really accepted, or is it that I'm continuing with this bull-headed notion that women make me terribly happy?" She'd needed to tell someone about her date with Jane as soon as she'd gotten home from work, but was quickly regretting making Celia that choice. Caroline's tea was rapidly cooling on the sitting table in the carriage house.

"Now Caroline."

"Yes, mum?"

"Let's drop it." Celia frowned, turned a bit and looked away. "A _football_ match."

"Well it's a good reason to get out of the house, anyway. John's coming over to play x-box with Lawrence and Greg that night."

" _God_ \- Caroline it's no wonder you've taken up with women. That lot. I'll be sure to tell Alan we'll stay up in Halifax that weekend."

"I won't argue that point with you." Caroline looked down at her hands. "But Lawrence is all about it. For whatever reason, - well I guess I can see the reason," ' _A lesbian mum he doesn't particularly care for right now,'_ "he's thick as thieves with John."

"What happened to him moving in with his dad?"

"Well that all got off track when John went and got Judith pregnant." ' _My god that train wreck. Sometimes it's like I'm living inside Coronation Street.'_

"Seems like maybe it might be time to get that plan back on track. The boy is seventeen next month, John can't do too much more damage."

"Oh why do I think we'll both rue those words?" Caroline paused for a glance and a prayer skyward. "But I could use the peace and quiet. Stop John from stepping in all the time, at least."

"Wouldn't that be a blessing." Celia sighed, inclined her cup forward at Caroline and took a sip.

* * *

Now, here she was. Date-ready.

She stood at the mirror; ' _yep – pony tail's the thing here. God then I'll have to wear muffs. I suppose it's not a fashion show, it's a football match.'_ She tied her hair up and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

"All right boys." She stood in the kitchen and gave a firm glance about, glancing at her wristwatch. ' _Jane will be her any minute.'_ "I expect you to have a great time tonight." Not the lecture they'd been expecting. "But don't break anything. Or if you do patch it up. And at least pick up the food; I don't want to come home to a mess of Chinese takeaway stinking up the house." A bit more like it.

"No worries Caroline. We'll keep it on the level." Greg stood in the living room, Flora tucked into a carry pouch over the front of his shoulders. God she was big, though. Wouldn't be able to do that much longer. He leaned over and planted a kiss on top of her head, x-box controller in his hand and beer bottle in the other.

Caroline smiled. ' _He is something with her. He'll be a really good thing in her life.'_ "Thank you Greg." A pointed look to John and Lawrence on the sofa, only halfway paying any attention. She crooked her finger at Greg. "A moment?"

He smiled and set down his beer bottle and joined her in the kitchen.

"Don't worry Caroline. Flora and I'll be upstairs sacked out by nine pm, that's for sure."

Caroline ran a hand over Flora's head and met her grasp with a pinky. She smiled down at her. ' _She's just still so Kate, isn't she?'_ More every day. She felt a familiar twinge, pain at missing Kate and joy for little Flora. ' _Kate gave me so much, in the end, didn't she? Oh but I do miss her.'_

"I know Greg. And I wanted to thank you. For everything, really. I don't think I would have managed without you. I now I wouldn't have. I hope you know that. I hope you know I'm grateful?" Caroline gave an anxious look.

"Oh I know Caroline." Greg smiled in response right away. No unease at the compliment, no seizing of power over an exchange of favor, no attempt to balance the scales and take something in return. Just good nature and good will. "And it's been the best thing for me, too. Being able to be, you know, a father to Flora?" He met her eyes with the question.

"You're a good father Greg. She's lucky to have you. _We're_ lucky to have you." Caroline moved her smile up from Flora to Greg.

"Thanks." Another earnest grin.

She leaned forward and kissed Flora on the head. "Goodnight my little love."

She shooe'd Greg away with her hand. "Now go on, go blow something up. I'll be back late - hopefully late enough those two pigeons will have passed out on the sofa already."

A perfectly timed ring of the doorbell - which did muster John's full attention.

 _'_ _That'll be Jane.'_

Caroline's head snapped to. "Oh no you don't, mister. You stay right there." She pointed sharply, her eyes practically pinned him to the couch and he gave a wounded pout. ' _Oh that man.'_

"Have fun!" Greg seriously looked like he meant it, then abruptly turned and headed back into the living room, already shouting about the sprays of bullets covering the television.

Caroline turned on her heel, stomach flipping. ' _It's just a football match._ _My god woman – pull yourself together.'_ She wasn't sure what made her more nervous – thinking about 90+ freezing minutes bored to tears in a rowdy stadium, or her first _real_ date with Jane. Her first real date in more than a year, really. If you didn't count Eleanor.

Caroline grabbed her coat off the hooks on the entry wall and opened the door.

Jane stood waiting with a goofy grin on her face, her breath a puff of steam. Flushed from the cold, black and yellow beanie squashed over her dark hair, brown eyes lit from within. Clearly excited for the evening. ' _I can't tell if she's more excited for the football match or to see me. Both I suppose.'_

"Are you ready, Caroline?" Jane stepped forward as Caroline came down off the step and draped a brightly striped Harrogate AFC scarf about her neck, over her turned-up collar. As she did so she pecked Caroline on the cheek. "Off we go!"

Jane took her by the hand and led her over to her Jeep, an older two-doored model with mud splattered at the wheel wells. She walked round to Caroline's side and opened the door. "After you."

"Thank you." Caroline climbed up in and glanced about, tying up her scarf against the cold. ' _Off we go then.'_

* * *

"Louder. I don't think I heard you properly."

"I had fun!" An abashed Caroline raised her head and yelled for all to hear.

"Now was that so hard to confess?"

Caroline smiled and laughed. "It wasn't, in fact. I had much more fun than I thought I would."

"I know you didn't want to come at all. So any fun exceeded your expectations."

Caroline paused as they walked through the car park toward the Jeep and bowed toward Jane. "I will admit when I am wrong." She stood and took Jane's mitten-ed hand in her own as they continued on, but looked away. "Thank you for an unexpectedly good evening."

"I'll take that as a compliment, but I hope it's not all over yet. Care for a pint and some chips?"

"Sounds lovely."

* * *

 _'_ _She does make it easy, doesn't she?'_ Caroline's inner monologue continued as Jane excitedly replayed her favorite moments from the match, complete with animated hand gestures. They sat in a high back booth, the bustling warm pub around them creating an air of intimacy. ' _Easy as breathing, with Jane. Like an old friend.'_

Jane stopped. "I'm going on, aren't I? You're staring. Sorry." She dipped her head, grabbed a chip and popped it in her mouth. Speaking through the mouthful, "this'll keep me quiet."

"No. No. You're good. Fine, actually. I was thinking how lovely you are. What a lovely time I'm having."

"Good." Jane gave a bright smile, paused, and the weight of Caroline's words dissipated in the easy quiet. "Wait until I tell you what I have planned for our next date."

"Oh our next date." Caroline's eyes widened. "Fair's fair, lady. I'm in charge of our next date."

"Not tea, I hope." Jane responded only with a signature open, endearing grin.

 _'_ _God she's just a ray of sunshine.'_ "Cross my heart," Caroline mimed the gesture, "there will be no tea involved."

"Well then I'm game." Jane finished her pint, and swiveled on the bench. Feet up now, she leaned against the wall. "How's Flora? How's Lawrence?"

"Flora is perfection. Lawrence - is a sixteen year old boy who can't stand his Mum."

"Sounds about right. He goes to Sulgrave Heath?"

"Yep. He'd rather not, but it's the best place for him." Caroline couldn't quite bring herself to throw her boots on the furniture, but Jane's relaxed posture loosened her shoulders anyway.

"Good. You let me know, should he need a stern talking to. I'll wear the uniform and everything." Jane snapped to, posture straight.

"Nothing like that yet. He's got a mouth you wouldn't believe. But his grades are fine. Makes it home more often than I'd think from John's. I know he talks a big game - but I think too he perhaps still likes clean sheets and a hot meal. And I've got the corner in both those markets."

"Glad to hear it."

Caroline finished her own beer and wondered again at how easy, how calm, everything felt when Jane Hayden was within eye shot.

* * *

They pulled into the house past eleven pm. The lights in the living room were lit, all else was dark. Jane appeared on the other side of the car as Caroline stepped out.

"I'll walk you to the door?" Everything still as relaxed as a Sunday morning. "I can't believe I'm on early shift tomorrow. You kept me out late, Ms. McKenzie Dawson." Jane poked her finger into the down of Caroline's jacket.

They stopped at the landing, puffs of breath milling between them in the night air, stars sharp and clear above.

"Jane I had a really lovely time tonight. Thank you. Truly."

"Thank you for taking a chance on the football match. And on me." A shadow crossed the moon and crossed Jane's face. "We didn't meet under the most auspicious of circumstance." Acknowledgement in her eyes.

"I know. I know." Caroline looked up at the stars, at the house, back at Jane, and the night was bright and clear again. "But a friend told me that in life, sometimes all you can do is just keep going. I think she was right."

"I think I like this friend."

"Yep. I think you will like her. We'll have to have you two meet soon."

"That would be nice."

"Mmmm." Caroline paused, now with butterflies that had nothing to do with football, her own shining bright blue eyes locked with Jane's brown. ' _Go on then,'_ whispered Kate's voice.

Caroline stepped in and took Jane's hand, met her for a kiss. They lingered, the moment soft and sweet. Caroline looked down and smiled, and Jane did too. They quit the exchange of shy stares and held hands for a second, before Caroline laughed, and unwound her Harrogate AFC scarf from her coat to hand it back. Jane insisted she keep it, wouldn't take it as she turned toward her car, and gave a wave. "Good night, then, Caroline."

"Goodnight, Jane."

She watched her start up the Jeep and drive off. She turned to the house, enjoying the goofy grin all over her face that would rival one of Greg's at his most insufferable.


	8. Chapter 8

"Ahhh. John. Lawrence. Still at it? Have you saved the world yet?"

"In fact, we have not." Shockingly, and perhaps out of a novel respect for Lawrence, John seemed only partly pissed. He paused the game to focus his attention on still grinning Caroline - who was not in any mood to put up with John and his tired antics.

"So football? How was it? How was _Jane_?" A petulant tilt of the head came from John as he stuck his tongue out and flashed an absurd, bawdy, and in every way offensive a face at Lawrence, who grinned back.

"Lovely. It was all quite lovely, thank you."

John stood, with only a modicum of sway, and walked into the kitchen. Lawrence resumed the game, always with very little interest to display in the typical scene that seemed about to play out.

John lowered his voice precipitously. "Can we talk? You and I? Can we have a word?"

"It is the very last thing I want in this world right now John. But I know you will not let me rest."

"Yes, yes I see. Well," He paused and looked around, "it's just, the thing is," another pause for obvious dramatic effect, "that you going about on 'dates,' and all, rather mixed message for Lawrence, don't you think?" He ducked under as he spoke, body positioned such that he looked up at Caroline, perhaps intended to soften his ridiculous criticism.

"Oh here we go. And what 'mixed message' would that be, John?"

"Well, you know, about the family, and all?"

"The family?"

"Yes. Yes – you know, our family." He pointed toward Caroline and back at himself.

Caroline had no immediate response but to offer a blank state. She collected herself, recalled this script, and placed her palms on the counter top. "Ok ok ok. I see what needs to happen here. Yep. Yes. It's quite clear to me now." She motioned for John to sit. "Lawrence, a moment please?"

Lawrence looked up, clearly unhappy to break away from the X-box. He sighed, set down the controller and slunk over.

"Take a seat as well, Lawrence. Thank you." Caroline assessed both men.

"Now. Your father has brought up an excellent point."

"I have? Yes. Well. Of course." John crossed his arms and nodded.

"Shut up, John." She frowned and pointed at him directly before continuing. "I think there has been some confusion, lately, about the state of things around here. And it's time we put things right." Clearly neither man had an idea about the direction of this particular lecture.

"We had come to an arrangement last year, which was I think unfortunately pre-empted by a series of unfortunate events. John – we had discussed and agreed that Lawrence might come to live with you. You've got your flat in order now, and I think it's time we followed through with what we'd started."

Lawrence sat up in his seat, eyes wide. "No – really - yeah? Really, Mum?"

John looked from Lawrence to Caroline, transparently evaluating the ramifications, how the situation may or may not be advantageous to his current agenda, whatever that may be.

"So, then. Well, OK." John paused, hand on chin. "Let me just think here."

"Oh come on Dad, say yes." Lawrence looked over to Caroline, quite clearly wishing her to join his cause and perhaps even experiencing a rare moment of sympathy for her. "Not, you know mum, that I _want_ to leave you, but I think maybe a change would be good, you know."

"Yes Lawrence, I know that for a fact." _'Dear god let mum be right – that John won't damage him – further. But Lawrence is just getting angrier, the longer he stays here'_ "Now I know it's too much to ask John, that you will promise not to be pissed every night that our young son is in your home, but it is something I'm going to have to insist upon."

"Caroline – I'm totally offended you'd even think, I mean, much less say such a thing."

"Well I'm sure you are John, but it doesn't make it less a critical point. I'm going out a limb here – seeing as how it all went so badly wrong the last time. But you are his father."

"Nice of you to acknowledge that." Caroline shook her head and looked from John to their son.

"So – Lawrence – why don't you head off to bed so your Dad and I can sort this further. And lay down some ground rules."

"Sure mum. Thanks. And Jane seems nice." Lawrence, suddenly full of good will, stopped in the living room to shut down the x-box and pick up his cell before heading to his room.

"Now then." Caroline turned back to the kitchen, where John was pacing. She turned back once more to Lawrence, skeptical of his sudden benevolence, but let it go. For now.

"What's this about, really, Caroline? Kicking Lawrence out? I realize that you're having a tough time, you know, maybe sort of confused right now, but I hardly think you should take it out on the boy."

"Take it out on the boy?" Caroline could not help her rising pitch. "Asking him if he'd like to live with his _father_ , which is clearly what he wants, quite badly. You really are a piece of work."

"I mean it's not that I wouldn't welcome having him. And I do think he'd like it as well. It's just that I think it might be hard on him, in his last year, changing his living situation so abruptly."

"Well it doesn't have to be abrupt. He's always welcome here. It's his home and I'll be sure he knows that."

"And what about me?"

"What John, what about you? Please, tell me how _this_ situation, logically, revolves completely around _you_."

"There's no need to be rude. It's really, I mean, that's just beneath you."

"Oh John. I really have done you a disservice, haven't I? All these years." She lowered her voice and favored him with a deeply sympathetic look.

"Well I'm sure, Caroline, but I don't think I see exactly what you mean."

"I've really coddled you. I've just let you stomp all over the grown-ups, like a real life Peter Pan. I blame myself. I _really_ do."

"Well if there's a Peter Pan in the house it's you, Caroline – flitting about with Wendy or Jane or whoever, making me out to be the villain when I'm the one trying to keep a mature family in one piece." He stood to give his elaborate hand gestures room for expanse.

"Ah. Mmm hmm. Yep. Yes. This would be where you would bait me into pulling the entire discussion completely off track. But we're not going to do that, are we? No. I'm done with that. I'm done with you, John." Caroline's tone stayed unusually level. "And what I'm hoping here, is, is that Lawrence will actually be good for _you_. Because he's the one who's got something to offer you, John, if you'll let him. _I've_ got absolutely nothing left to give you, you've bled me dry. But if you'll give up your delusional fantasy that we're going to rewind back to the day before you decided to take up with Judith, or whatever women you used to destroy our marriage, perhaps on purpose - if you'll just give that up - I _really_ think Lawrence might help you get your own life back on track."

"Well I just don't know what to say. I mean really. I don't know how you can put any of this on me."

"I know you can't possibly know how to see your own responsibility in anything John. And that's why you're going to stop using your son as an excuse to keep turning up here. You're going to move on with your life. Because I'm sure as _hell_ moving on with mine."

"Caroline – "

She shook her head and made a sweeping motion with her arms. "We're done here. I'm done fighting with you. I'd prefer you not to be here in the morning, certainly, nor at any time in the near future. You and Lawrence make a plan, and he can keep me informed." Caroline quietly but sternly pointed directly at a stooped John.

"Now I want to be very, very clear about one thing. If you do anything, anything at all, that puts our son in danger, this arrangement will be over. I will take legal action; and you will never, I mean never, be permitted to set foot in this house again."

John looked stricken and Caroline stalked out of the kitchen. "You can show yourself out. Leave your key with Lawrence please. I do not want to see you here uninvited, by me, again."

"You really are a piece of work. You really are Caroline," John shouted down the hallway.

Caroline had plenty of oats to feel tonight. She replied with an emphasis in the swish of her hips, strutting down the hallway, and without turning back. "Why thank you. As a matter of fact, I agree."


	9. Chapter 9

"Caroline I can't believe you haven't been to any of the Oxford alumnae meet ups here in Harrogate. They're great fun."

"Oh I don't know, Eleanor. I've gotten on just fine." Heels clicking on the pavement as they approached the pub, Caroline's expression was not one of _fun._

"'Gotten on' isn't what life's about. It's about _thrive_. Besides – you might even make a new friend or two."

"Oh I don't know…. I hate strangers. Why did I ever let you convince me this was a good idea?" Caroline stopped on the pavement outside the entry. How had Eleanor talked her into this? After her date with Jane, she thought she'd made up her mind. She was quickly learning that Eleanor Strathclyde was persistent - and persuasive.

"Well when you dashed all my hopes in your office and whispered the most romantic thing I've ever heard from another woman, 'let's meet for tea in a public place,' I thought this might be a good compromise. Message received, headmistress." Eleanor stood in front of the brightly painted pub, all pantsuit and sass, hands on hips.

"Glad to hear you're listening."

"But we're here now, so don't you dare skip out on me. How would that look? Walking into an Oxford happy hour all alone - without my arm charm?" Eleanor winked. The woman's attitude ought to drive Caroline insane. Well, it did - but not in the way she anticipated. Eleanor went after exactly what she wanted, no holds barred. Her method of attack was different than Caroline's, and occasionally the saccharine coating got a little thick. But she recognized the drive. Eleanor sprinted at her goal like a thoroughbred for the finish, and it made her want to keep up - or pull ahead.

"You're a deep puddle, aren't you?" Caroline pushed through the doors, into a sea of women.

 _'_ _I had no idea… Breathe, Caroline. Breathe. You've navigated crowds like this a million times.'_

"Eleanor! Welcome." A warm smile came from a woman at a small table in the entry, quite a bit younger than both of them, pint in hand and a name tag pasted over her lapel.

"I'm Zoe Smith. '98. Classics."

"Ah yes – Caroline Dawson. McKenzie-Dawson. Class of 1985. Organic Chemistry." She smiled, instinctively and confidently matching the woman's greeting and tone. "Nice to meet you."

"Welcome – we're glad you could join us. Eleanor tells me you haven't been to one of our meet-ups yet."

"Ah no, sorry – been busy I'm afraid." ' _Eleanor tells you?'_

"Well we're glad you're here now. Jump in." The dark haired young woman smiled and waved toward the boisterous crowd.

Eleanor bent slightly, smiled, hugged the girl, and pecked Zoe on the cheek. "Good to see you. Where have you been hiding all week? I miss you." Nothing about the exchange escaped Caroline's attention.

"A drink?" Eleanor turned to Caroline, oblivious and obviously enjoying the whole thing already.

"Please."

"Manhattan?"

"Oh." Caroline frowned. She hadn't had a Manhattan since - she couldn't think when. "Well, yes, why not?"

"Come on, let's see if we can make eye contact with a bartender. Having a sharp-eyed, gorgeous, blue-eyed blonde at my side might do the trick."

Caroline tried to decide if Eleanor meant it or not. Perhaps - more tried to decide if she'd be able to manage all night another woman so clearly determined to win her over. She attempted to follow Eleanor through the mass of the crowd, excusing herself through the fray and casting polite smiles along the way. She paused in a spot just vacated and let Eleanor push on. She glanced around and tried to look intentional about standing there. Actually, it did seem a vibrant crowd of women. So many women... Certainly it was livelier than the Sulgrave Heath mixers she'd been obligated to over the years.

"Why hello."

"Yes, hello." Caroline turned and smiled tightly, reflexively.

"I see you trailing Eleanor. She mentioned she'd have a new friend in tow." The other woman – Caroline's approximate age, blonde as well, but petite - smiled and offered her hand. "Catherine."

"Ah yes – Caroline." ' _Eleanor mentioned?'_ Caroline felt her reputation preceding her, and wondered by how much. Eleanor certainly seemed friendly with a healthy number of women.

"Caroline. Pleased to meet you." Catherine took a sip from her wine. "Remind me how is it you know Eleanor?"

"Sulgrave Heath. I'm the head teacher. She's on our Board of Governors."

"Head teacher? Well good on you." Catherine raked her eyes up and down Caroline a second time. "I remember that about her – always with her hand in some good cause or the other. I know her daughters are there. Of course she's interested."

' _I never do mind introducing myself.'_ Professional confidence had never been her short suit. She'd earned it. "And you graduated -" Caroline paused and returned the appraisal, and came up short in the first impression department. "You must have graduated a few years ahead of me. How do you know Eleanor?"

"Yes. Well. Eleanor and I graduated together. After you, I think? We go back. A long, long way back."

Caroline was grateful to see Eleanor and the aforementioned cocktail appear in her peripheral vision.

"Hello Catherine. I see you've met Caroline." Eleanor stepped right through, jostling another pub-goer and planting firmly next to Caroline, who involuntarily shivered as she felt an arm go around her waist. The Manhattan appeared in front of her and she drank immediately.

"Why yes I have. She seems delightful." Each syllable of the last word was clearly articulated as Catherine replied.

"Oh indeed she is absolutely delightful. Wickedly so." Eleanor smiled back thinly and sipped her drink, full to the brim and not a drop spilled. "Well, it is nice to see you Catherine. But I was hoping to steal Caroline away for a minute to introduce to Meg and Jill before they leave, if you don't mind."

"Not at all, Eleanor." The two woman exchanged another glance. It seemed to say a lot more than Caroline ever imagined herself saying without words.

"So very nice to meet you, Caroline. I do hope to see you again." Catherine smiled broadly and Caroline wouldn't have bought her sincerity on discount.

"You as well, Catherine." She felt Eleanor's hand planted at the small of her back, pushing her on even as she finished the conversation.

"What was that all about?" She sipped her drink and turned to Eleanor.

"What, Catherine back there?"

"Yes 'Catherine back there.' You've got something against her, that's clear enough. Or she's got something against me."

"Catherine's a cad, Caroline. Look at you – beautiful, brilliant. She'd have your skirt off faster than I could fetch us another drink. She's a real collector." Eleanor cast a withering gaze at the leggy blonde at the other end of the pub, already thoroughly engaged with another guest.

"Eleanor," A look of bemused wonder lit up Caroline's face. "I think you're - jealous. You are, aren't you?"

"Do you blame me?"

Caroline considered her feelings and her options. A little flattery was going a long way tonight. Despite the fact that she laid it on thick and strong, Eleanor's tack was working. Caroline decided she wanted her to be jealous. She supposed it might be fine to soak it in, the sinful feeling of being coveted. Just a little bit. Just a little time in the sun.

"I guess I don't. But what's to say _I_ shouldn't be jealous? Clearly you've got a thing for blondes." She cast a pointed look right at Eleanor over the rim of her – ' _delicious'_ – Manhattan.

"Mmmmmmm," Eleanor paused. "Well, a little late on that front, really. Unlike you - the lucky damsel whom I've wrested from the arms of Don Juan - I had no valiant savior. Walked right into that trap. But that's been ages ago. All in all - you could say we're old friends."

"Ah. I see." ' _There you are again, Caroline. Out of your depth.'_ Had every woman in here been shagging each other for decades while she muddled along with John?

"Penny?"

"Hmmmm?"

"For your thoughts. You've gotten quite somber all of a sudden. I think I've gone and shocked you again."

"No. Yes. It's ummm, it's just." Caroline paused vacantly, scanning Eleanor's face and wondering. Listening to her own internal dialog. ' _Be honest. No don't. You don't have to share everything all the time. Yes - it's just easier that way, putting everything on the table. You owe Kate the respect of at least learning something from her.'_

"It's an old insecurity. Not being lesbian enough and all. Not having catted around."

"Catted around?" Eleanor raised an eyebrow, an affect that seemed to be a regular trademark. "I suppose I can't deny living single life, of sorts. But you're lesbian enough for me." Eleanor grinned, but Caroline continued to frown.

"I'm serious. There's no test. There are no grades. I understand the notion of wanting to excel at every endeavor, that's just in our DNA. But there's no prize for being the best lesbian. If there were a medal for best shag I'd be right up at the tallest podium, but…"

Caroline was still a million miles away, at a bed and breakfast just down the road. She realized Eleanor had stopped talking. "I suppose." ' _But there are winners, and there are losers. I lost Kate, for a while, because I couldn't be, at least I wasn't yet, the woman she wanted – needed – me to be.'_

"Listen. Hello in there." For the first time since Eleanor had started after Caroline, the other woman frowned. It transformed her merry eyes to menacing, and might as well have been reserved for Caroline announcing a twenty-percent tuition increase. It had to be effective during negotiation, certainly. Caroline decided she really didn't like the way it made her feel - that she much preferred Eleanor's laughter.

"I'm not here to judge your performance, Caroline. I'm not here for you to display your affection to and decide if it's enough, if you're worthy. I know who I am. I know what I am and what I deserve. I've seen you run that school for years now, seen you plow right through whatever, whoever, you think is blocking the path, myself included. So get out of your own way, here, please." Eleanor paused and put a hand at Caroline's side, her grip firm, thumb resting on Caroline's hipbone, fingers angled down almost to where Caroline denied she'd rather they be. She kept it there, and kept it there longer, and Caroline started feeling something other than insecurity.

Eleanor looked around as though surveying a used car lot. She smirked and leaned in close, hot breath tickling Caroline's ear. "And absolutely none of these women hold a candle to you."

Caroline allowed herself to enjoy the still-new sensation of another woman's mouth at her hairline, the smell of her rich, light, perfume. The alcohol and the welcome words and affection from a beautiful woman steadily frayed the edges of her entrenched anxiety. She turned toward Eleanor while she was still close. Her own lips trailed along the top of her jawline. When they finally connected with Eleanor's mouth, still open from perhaps preparing to whisper yet another nothing, Caroline felt the other woman's surprise, which lasted only a second. The casual contact became urgent faster than the surprise had even lasted. It was as though they each had been practicing for the kiss, preparing over and over with muscle memory, imagining and training to take the prize when the opportunity presented itself. There was nothing sweet, nothing easy, nothing relaxed to be had. There was nothing, in fact, in her world right now, save the pull of Eleanor's lips, then her teeth - then - she was abandoned. She almost growled.

"I'm beginning to feel less clear, Caroline Dawson, about what it is you want. Because I do take every word that comes out of that mouth very seriously." Eleanor drained the remaining half of her Manhattan. She leaned in to Caroline to set the empty glass on a bar rail behind her. As she moved, lavender from her hair and just a whiff of dusk from her perfume breezed past.

For her part, Caroline felt no clarity at all. She felt desire, she felt lust, and she felt a pounding insistence in every cell in her body. But she did not feel clarity.


	10. Chapter 10

"Ah hello then. Afternoon boys." John hung his coat and ran a hand over his chin. Damn 5o'clock. Manly. Too manly? Had his raging manliness been what turned Caroline, in the end? And how was he supposed to help that? Judith seemed to enjoy him. Gillian, that little vixen, too. No. His virility was an asset not to be questioned.

"Dad." Lawrence did not look up from the Xbox.

"Hello, Mr. Elliott." Angus gave a courteous glance. Insufferably sweet boy, but at least well mannered.

"All through, with studying?"

"We're just taking a break."

"But you will – finish, whatever it is you're supposed to finish? Lawrence - your mother, relentless as she is - keeps tabs on me keeping tabs on you. And well, you know, if this arrangement here, if you start slipping with your grades, both our heads will roll."

"Yep."

"It's just – um - that I need to be sure - Lawrence."

"Ah lay off would you Dad – it's fine. Really. Seriously – we've been at it like dogs, haven't we Angus? And Mum's already got your rocks in a jar, so don't worry about her clipping you now."

 _'Perhaps I did not give Caroline quite enough credit, with Lawrence.'_

"Ah, OK. Very well, then – carry on." No arguing with that. He wandered into the kitchen and to the fridge, where he was pleased to see Lawrence hadn't been pillaging the beer.

John flopped down next to the boys on the sofa. He turned abruptly.

"I'm not in your business, Lawrence. I mean, your education is somewhat my business as well. And seriously, I think you understand that I, well you and I, we will never hear the end of it from that woman if she suspects me of, you know, 'shirking my duties.'" He threw in quotes added for effect. "Good lord man she might even call the police on me. I wouldn't put it past her."

"Ya – that hot lady copper she's shagging. How can we get her at the door?" Lawrence turned to Angus for a celebratory high five.

"Dear God. The very thought." John gave a look of disgust, one which did not quite convince Angus or Lawrence of his offense.

"So what's for dinner?"

"Great question. I'm sure there's some sort of nutritious bounty to be plundered from the cupboard. Angus, you joining us?"

"Ah, no Mr. Elliott. Got to be home in an hour 'r so."

"Very good then. Just the Elliott boys, alone – together, foraging and surviving on their whiles in the urban diaspora."

"Ah, ya sure, Mr. Elliott."

"I'll be in the kitchen then. Foraging." John stood with flourish and made his way to the other end of the flat.

Angus threw himself backward on the couch. "Your Dad's hilarious. I mean, consistently."

"Yep. Always."

"Is your Mum really shagging that lady cop who collared you?"

"I dunno. Hope so. If she's going to be a lesbian. I'd move home if she were in the house."

Still no eye contact as they advanced through the game.

"Ya, right? Anyway she seems like she's not wound so tight, right now."

"Ya. It's a nice change of pace. Having dinner with her, gran n Alan, over there, sometime this week. I'm actually not completely dreading it. I mean, she can cook. Better than Dad. He fancies himself a chef – but Jesus half of everything's almost raw or way over. Anyway, you should come. Maybe we'll get the scoop on Jane."

"Cool."

* * *

Caroline's phone buzzed on her desk. Outside winter was making its way forward. But the recent dump of heavy snow was quickly melting off. The sun sparkled and gave pale light as leaf buds began to think of emerging on the trees, daring to cast off winter yet again.

"Hello John."

"Ah – yes hello, Caroline. Of course it's me."

"Of course." Caroline spun in her chair to face the window and leaned back. She took off her glasses and closed her eyes.

"Yes, well how are you?"

"I'm quite well, thank you."

"Good. Good then. I am as well."

"Glad to hear it. How can I help you?"

"Just calling about this week, I was planning on dropping Lawrence off Wednesday afternoon, he mentioned Celia and Alan would be joining you, specifically, em, for dinner?"

"Yep."

"Ah, OK, well, you know, I thought it might, might be a good opportunity to have some quality time, together. All of us."

Caroline sat up in her chair. "Yes. I see. Well, that would not be my thought."

"Ah OK. I see. Are you sure? I mean, it's been a while now, since we all sat down and 'broke bread' as it were. Shared a meal."

"I am blissfully aware of that."

"There's no need to be rude, Caroline. I was just – "

Caroline quickly interrupted. "Just inviting yourself over to my home, to serve you dinner?"

"Well, now, I don't think that's quite, quite an accurate interpretation."

"I think it's perfectly accurate, John. You are a grown man. You are capable of feeding and entertaining yourself. That's not my job anymore."

"Well then I see. I'll just, not come over then."

"Yep. Correct. Do not come over."

"Ah, OK. OK – then, I suppose, chat later."

"Bye bye John." She signed off cheerfully and abruptly.

 _'How I love not being beholden to that man.'_


	11. Chapter 11

"Well Gary, I suppose he's just Gary. A real tightrope, you know, that one. Thanks for asking, Caroline." Alan always seemed so happy to be part of any conversation.

"He does seem a somewhat delicate flower. Hope it all, stays on the level, as it were." Caroline made a balanced teeter-totter motion with her fork.

"Don't we all?" Celia smiled over at Alan. They had reached a homeostasis with Gary, set preliminary boundaries. It seemed acquiescence was the easiest way to keep him happy.

"Well Raff's sure happy he took him back for the summer, once school breaks. It was nice of him, find a place for the lad."

"Absolutely."

"Speaking of, Lawrence do you have anything in particular lined up for the summer?" Celia inclined her head next to the boy on her right.

"Me n Angus – "

"Angus and I," interrupted Caroline.

"Angus and I are thinking maybe we might hang around where Greg's comic publishes."

"Is that so?" Caroline smiled at Greg, head tilted and voice even. "You didn't mention it. That would be quite good, for the boys to learn at the publishing house."

"Well I think it'll be OK. It's just over in York, they can sort of get the 'ins and outs,' as it were." Greg looked from the boys to Caroline. "If it's okay with you, of course, Caroline."

"Seems a perfect idea." Why in the world shouldn't Lawrence take up comic books. Or firefighting, or anything. Any vocation at all, if it would get any kind of spark out of him.

"Really, Mum?"

"Really, Lawrence. Assuming your grades stay high the rest of term."

"All right. All right." Lawrence smiled, and Caroline liked the way it made him look, and the way it made her feel. She liked the feeling of many things, actually, at the moment.

"So Caroline – Gillian was telling us your date went quite well last week? Celia's tone did not exactly convey enthusiasm.

Caroline made a mental note to flog Gillian when they next met. And – which date had Gillian spilled about? She'd gone on about Eleanor, and it was recent -

"Ah, well, yes. It's good to reconnect with school chums."

"Jane went to school with you as well?" Alan's eyes twinkled and Caroline loved him dearly. Just not at the moment.

"No – no, I meant, I had another engagement with a friend from Sulgrave Heath, who did graduate Oxford my year."

"Mmmmm. No – the football date, right? I remember her. Auburn hair, makes you look like you buy your clothes off the rack – no offense, Caroline." Now Greg had something to add. Lovely.

Eleanor had stopped by last week with pastries, of all things. Which were, to be quite honest, some of the best scones she'd ever had. But Greg must have mixed them up.

"Ah, no actually, Greg, that was Eleanor." Caroline paused to take a bite and emphasize her casual response. "Em, Eleanor Strathclyde, she's on our Board of Governors, at the school. Just by for a chat and to grab a friendly spot of tea."

"Are you seeing her too, then, dear?" Celia again, now sounding enthusiastic.

"Well, again, mum, I don't know that I would put it in those exact terms. We are good friends."

"Caroline honestly. Carrying on like that."

"Like what, then, Mum?"

The men at the table fell into a particular stillness. Forks could not be heard touching plates. Even Flora seemed to sense the coming storm and ceased her happy mumblings.

"Well I don't know."

"I don't think you do know, Mum, so let's drop it." Caroline's tone had not yet hardened, but she took a generous gulp of wine.

"Now there's nothing wrong with 'making friends,' as it were, you know, if it's all out on the table with everyone." Right on cue Alan stepped in to broker a peace.

"Thank you Alan."

"So you going to keep seeing both of them, then, Mum?"

"This is not a discussion, Lawrence." Caroline shot her son an 'I mean it' look.

"Well I think it's a perfectly good question. I'm rather curious, myself." Celia did not make eye contact with Caroline as she spoke.

"OK. I see that I am not getting out of this." Caroline set down her fork and picked up her napkin. "In an attempt to be respectful to all parties, I will say that I enjoy spending time with both of them. They are each wonderful, vibrant women, and that can be that." Caroline drank again, for emphasis.

"Well Jane, she's a police officer, what's the other do?" Unlike her mother, Caroline believed Alan's interest to be genuine.

"Eleanor is the Chief Operating Officer at Anadyne, a pharmaceutical company headquartered here in town."

"Pharmaceutical? Whip smart I'll bet." Alan nodded and smiled, offering approval.

"She is rather brilliant, I think. I've actually known her most of the time I've been at Sulgrave Heath. She has two charming girls at the school."

Celia didn't look up from her salad as she spoke. "Must have been a shock to her, when you took up with Kate."

Caroline closed her eyes, briefly. "I did not, 'take up with Kate,' mother. But yes. I think she was surprised. And she's been chasing up my skirt ever since." _'Oh shit. Why did I say that? My goddamn temper.'_

"That was indelicate. I'm sorry boys. That is not to be repeated." Caroline cast a warning glance at Angus and Lawrence.

"That's oaky Ms. Dawson. No worries." Angus's voice was a little high as he responded.

Lawrence elbowed him and laughed.

"So, Jane. She was the one who nabbed those bastards that ran down Kate?" Again, Alan nimbly shifted the conversation.

"Yes, we met at the precinct."

"Well she did seem nice. Very polite." Celia did her best to muster a compliment, for which Caroline was grateful.

"She is. And really a breath of fresh air." Caroline smiled.

"Plenty of fresh air at that football match she dragged you off to."

"Yes there was, Mum, and it was really a good time."

Alan nodded, brokering on. "Don't mind a match myself, now and again. Just not up in those insufferable boxes. Everyone putting on airs. Not there for the match, just showing off to each other."

"Quite." Celia smiled at Alan. No one could really forget the morass of misery Gary had foisted on them in an attempt to buy Alan's love.

"Well I haven't met Jane, yet, but I will say Caroline, that Eleanor, she's a looker." Time for Greg to join the fray once again. He smiled at Caroline, gave a hint of a wink.

"Can I repeat, for the record, that I find this conversation extremely uncomfortable."

"Ah c'mon, Mum, can't have it both ways. Mad we don't care enough about your love life, mad when we do." Lawrence did not make eye contact.

Caroline's temper flared and she prepared a scathing rebuke.

 _'He does have a point, Caroline.'_

 _Seriously, Kate, you pop into my head at the oddest of times. Well he's completely inappropriate, but - completely correct.'_ Caroline extinguished her flare.

"Alright Lawrence. Point made."

"So then. Yes. Fine. I, ah, I am 'seeing,' all very appropriately, mind you, Jane _and_ Eleanor." Caroline looked down at her plate. "And, you know, to be quite honest I'm having a hard time with it all. I like them both very much. And this dating thing, well, it's not my forte."

"An embarrassment of riches?" Celia actually gave a warm smile, genuine. Alan reached across the table to squeeze her hand.

"Well it's just that I don't know what to do. They're both very different."

Again the men kept quiet.

"Well, if I can offer a piece of advice," Celia looked over to Alan. "Just follow your heart, love."


	12. Chapter 12

_'I know this is not the most insufferable faculty meeting of the year, but it has got to be top three.'_ Happily Caroline's phone buzzed as another Dean chimed in. Really piling on whatever point was being beaten to death.

She picked up her mobile. A text from Eleanor.

 _'Brunch – Saturday? My place. The girls are with their uncle. We'll have the place to ourselves. Don't think about it. Just say yes.'_

A completely uninvited smile played on Caroline's lips, though her first conscious thought was that this would give her a chance to call Eleanor off, once and for all. Friends, fine, that's it. She did like Eleanor, had enjoyed meeting her friends and expanding her world beyond home and work. It would be nice to have a peer to get her out of her own rut. But there was something special about Jane. There was something _manageable_ about Jane. And Kate seemed to have made her opinion clear. So she'd just meet Eleanor for breakfast, and call it off.

 _'Yes, OK. 11am?'_

 _'Absolutely. See you then.'_

* * *

Caroline hoisted a bottle of champagne as Eleanor opened the door to greet her. "Bubbles?"

"Always. Come in, Caroline."

As she stepped into the entryway Eleanor greeted her with a brush of lips on her cheek and a hand at her waist. "Good morning."

Caroline returned the kiss, lightly, along with a smile. She would control herself – it was natural to feel wired when any attractive woman kissed you. Natural as breathing. Nothing special to it at all.

"Morning." _'Just like old friends – nothing to it. Just call her off. Just be clear about things.'_

"I hope you're hungry. I've made waffles. And bacon."

"Yes - sounds good." If her waffles were half as good as her scones, she was already in love with them. Caroline smiled and followed Eleanor into the sunlit kitchen. The house wasn't large, but it wasn't small. Modern country feel, open floor plan, bright yellow walls and big windows opening out into modest and a neatly manicured garden off the living room. "Have you lived here long?"

"Ah, six years I think. Since the promotion at Anadyne. Perfect spot for me and the girls. We moved up her from London and into a flat after Emma left, but that was entirely too cramped."

"Yes I suppose - I've been lucky to keep the house." Caroline glanced around again. "Really beautiful home, Eleanor." She realized she meant what she said. She pictured Eleanor, feet up on the sofa, reading a book – a magazine. Music playing in the background. Maybe a sunny Sunday morning – or with the fire lit and a cold February night, rain at the windows –

The pop of the champagne cork pulled Caroline back to the present.

"Thank you. We do love it here." She offered Caroline a glass over the counter.

"Cheers." Caroline tipped her flute and they clinked lightly.

"You mentioned that Lawrence is moving in with John? How's that going?" Eleanor laid plates at the table and brought the waffles out of the oven. The smell of bacon and coffee mixed nicely and Caroline's stomach rumbled.

"Actually good. Really good. Both of them are on their best behavior. I think they're afraid I'll change my mind. It's been blessedly peaceful at the house. Lawrence has been a lot less cheeky too."

"Good. You needed a change, Caroline. Divorce, death – they're not kind."

"I rather think I did. And – no, they're not, are they?" Caroline smiled as she watched Eleanor bustle in the kitchen. Her movements from place to place were efficient, relaxed and comfortable. She'd known what she was doing, asking Caroline in instead of out.

They sat down and tucked in. Caroline meant to speak more, but she was more than half-way through her waffle by the time she realized she hadn't really more than a few words. She finally looked up and waived her fork. "Mmmmmm. Completely perfect. I can't remember the last time anyone cooked for me like this. Thank you."

Eleanor smiled and Caroline anticipated and enjoyed the arch in her brow. "My pleasure. I've long hoped to have you enjoy breakfast in my house." A quick wink followed, but she looked down before Caroline could chastise her.

Caroline's posture stiffened. She'd put this off too long already. Through a tight smile, "Eleanor. The innuendo. I know it's just, sort of your way, I suppose. But I don't want to lead you on - "

"Stop Caroline. Just stop." Eleanor put down her fork, stood, and walked over to the French doors leading on to the garden. She half-way turned back to Caroline. The sunlight framed her silhouette. "Come here."

Caroline put down her own fork, but paused.

"I won't bite."

Caroline rose and set her napkin on the table, slowly walking across the living room, muted footsteps in the weighted silence. Heartbeat just a little fast.

She stood next to Eleanor, who took Caroline's hand and placed it gently in the middle of her chest, eye contact unwavering. Caroline tried not to show it as her breath caught and her heartbeat quickened further at the solid feel of Eleanor's chest.

"Can you feel that?"

In fact Caroline could feel Eleanor's heartbeat through her thin cashmere sweater, going strong and fast.

"My pulse speeds up when I see you." Eleanor kept looking her right in the eyes. She took her own hand and placed it on Caroline's chest. She didn't need to say what Caroline's heart pounded out, just kept looking at her. _In_ to her. "And there's a reason for that. It's because yours speeds up as well – when you see me."

Caroline's feet betrayed her, inching forward until there wasn't space between them any longer. She still felt Eleanor's pulse under her palm.

Eleanor whispered, and Caroline remembered how she'd felt at the pub, just before they'd kissed. "Just exhale Caroline. Just let go. It's okay. You won't break me."

 _'If only it were that easy. It's not you I'm worried about breaking.'_ Caroline's mind spoke, until her body shut it up. _'But it's been so long. So impossibly long. And I've been so lonely.'_

She closed her eyes and smiled. She traced her lips over Eleanor's collar bone, her body humming along with their heartbeats and readying herself to pull back.

Eleanor responded to the touch of her lips with a tiny gasp.

Like a light switch, the rest of Caroline's world snapped out of being. In reflexive response she nipped at Eleanor's neck, and the resulting stifled moan buckled Caroline's knees. She grabbed Eleanor by the waist to compensate.

"Right now, Eleanor. Please. Right now."

Eleanor pulled back. She looked at Caroline directly, then took her firmly by the hand, not looking back, leading her quickly up a flight of stairs, presumably to a bedroom Caroline hadn't even see yet.

It was easy enough to tell herself she was following her heart as it jackhammered out of her chest and pulled her up the stairs as she followed Eleanor. She studied her from the back. Her neat ankles in those low-heel Ferragamos. The slope of her hips, the fall of long dark auburn hair over athletic shoulders. She studied the way her thighs moved against her chocolate-brown skirt as she climbed.

She did not want to make love to Eleanor. She wanted to consume her. Totally. Immediately. She had just been so lonely for so long.

They came together again into the bedroom, shoes flying off and hands everywhere. Eleanor worked Caroline's buttons as Caroline's hands worked all over Eleanor's body. Her own shirt on the floor, she pulled Eleanor's tan sweater up over her head, binding her, and paused to kiss her shoulders before it came all the way off. Her own skirt dropped before Caroline even thought about being self-conscious about her body, everything a blur and nothing at all present but what was happening between the two women. Caroline felt drugged.

Eleanor's body as a whole registered in Caroline's mind briefly. Creamy, full, and completely edible in matching burgundy bra and briefs, hooked to garters. _'Oh for god's sake woman, did you have to rub it in?_

"Bed?"

"Yep."

They crashed into a downy pillow, sunlight and bodies and desire tumbling everywhere, endlessly.

* * *

"This is _your_ cat, I think – I hope?"

"Mmmmm. Yes. What? Stewart?"

"Good. I hoped you'd say yes. Anyway. It seems very friendly."

Eleanor shifted around in Caroline's arms and barely squeezed open her languid brown eyes.

"Sorry to wake you, but it was either you or – Stewart here," Caroline inclined her head, "and I need to start on my way home."

"Mmmmm. Yes. Right. Wait." Eleanor shifted around further. "Hello."

"Hello." Caroline reached over to tuck away stray strands of hair from Eleanor's brow.

"That was nice."

"Mmmm hmmm." Caroline studied Eleanor's eyes, nose, mouth, hair, chin, ears, all of her. The waning afternoon sun cast an orange glow in the room, softening Eleanor's profile and the mood. Caroline lingered in bliss. ' _Ah right – endorphins.'_ She was completely drained, yet instead of a sense of emptiness, she felt full and consumed by light.

Eleanor squirmed up under Caroline's arm. "Can this be the end of you acting like there's nothing? Between us? Because I'm happy to let you walk out of here – watch every inch of you walk out of here – if I can know for sure that it won't be the last time. I need more of you Caroline. A lot more. I don't want to keep going back and forth." Eleanor's eyes were dark, her pupils wide as she pleaded. "Please."

"Yes. I suppose that ship has sailed, hasn't it?" Caroline smiled at Eleanor, leaned in and kissed her temple. For the past few hours she'd been oblivious to everything but Eleanor's body. Now, consequences started to line up in her head.

Eleanor frowned. "I see what's going on under all that messy gorgeous blonde hair. All the trouble brewing. I've watched you make that face at the conference table whenever Kent dodges a pointed question and lets you take the brunt of things. Stop Caroline." Again, she took Caroline's hand and placed it at the center of her bare chest. Her skin was warm, and her heartbeat was still strong. Now it was slow, full and steady. Her placid, confident gaze challenged Caroline to take a breath. "This. Right here Caroline. Just think about this."

"Yes. Okay." Caroline smiled and laid back, Eleanor tucked into her arm. "But I do need to get home."

"Already? It's only been all day."


	13. Chapter 13

"Oh Flora's sleeping. She's just fine. I'm sure it will be fine, Jane." From her prone position on the couch, Caroline glanced over at the monitor. Toddler naps were a two hour thing in the afternoons right now, and Flora was powering through, thank God. She'd been on the ropes all weekend. Kidney stones. The world's most agonizing reminder of aging. But she refused to give up tea or chocolate. Some things were worth the sacrifice.

"I'm sure it will be fine Caroline, but that's not the point." Jane's perky tone came right through the line. Shockingly, it didn't make Caroline want to strangle her. But she just didn't want to face her right now, even if she could use a cheery face.

"There's really no need to bother, Jane." _'How can I wriggle out of this bind? I just can't face her right now. Not after – Eleanor.'_ "Ah, yes, well, in fact, Gillian is coming down, so no need to bother." _'Oh shit – why did I say that?'_

"Well perhaps – but in the meantime."

"You're such a dear. Really Jane, though, you don't have to."

"I know that – I want to."

Caroline didn't have the stamina to keep warding her off. She'd deal with the consequences as they came. "Alright. I'll be here. Flora and I will be here. Thank you."

"Not at all Caroline – it's my pleasure. I've missed you, anyway. I'll be over in a bit."

"Very good – just let yourself in. Thank you."

* * *

"Well you've got to get down here. As soon as you can. I know I'm asking a huge favor, Gillian, but I really need your help. I mean seriously. Urgently." As soon as Caroline hung up, she'd dialed Gillian and prayed she'd pick up.

"She's just coming over? Right now? Well that's sweet, isn't it? Is Florence Nightingale bringing chicken soup?"

"Oh I don't know, Gillian. Yes it's very sweet. But she's on her way, and I simply can't have her here, 'caretaking,' until I have a real talk with her. After what's happened with Eleanor. I can't see what to do, yet, and I just can't be penned up alone with her until I know what I'm going to _say_. And I _told_ her not to bother coming over, you know, that you were on your way already, but she wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Yeah. I've been in your shoes, when it comes to a sticky situation. Well maybe not your shoes, exactly. Don't think I've ever owned a pair of shoes like yours. But in a bind and all. But alright, Caroline. I suppose I might owe you, you know. In this department."

"Yeow." A particularly hot shot of pain screamed through her, front to back, and back again. "I'm far too grateful to say anything at all but thank you. I'm completely miserable and she's said she'll only stay until you get here. So please hurry."

"Well just to the other point – are you going to be all right? In all seriousness, are you OK?"

"Yes. Yes, thank you. I'm fine - the doctor said it's just a kidney stone. It'll pass, I'll be perfectly fine. But I'm in total agony and I can't deal with Jane right now. So thank you Gillian - I mean it. But please, just hurry."

"OK. Cool off. I'm already headed down the driveway. I'll be there as soon as I can. You've really gotten yourself in a pinch."

Caroline draped her arm over her eyes. "Yes Gillian, I rather have. I'm going to hang up now, unfortunately, and deprive you of any further opportunity to gloat."

"Bye then."

"Bye bye."

* * *

"Oh just look at you Caroline, you're completely miserable. I'm glad I came over. Everyone needs some TLC now and then." Jane set down on the couch and laid her hand on Caroline's hip. Caroline didn't exactly flinch, but at least Jane could attribute any discomfort to the current state of affairs.

"I am miserable. You're very sweet. Thank you." Caroline admired the bright arrangement of tulips Jane brought, which led her to think of the fresh sunflowers that had been sitting on Eleanor's kitchen table, which led her to think about

"I am sorry – seems wretched."

Caroline smiled. "It is. But it's nice to have company." 'It would be, actually.' If things were different – had developed differently, it actually would be quite nice to have Jane here.

"Now I'll only stay until Gillian gets here, but since you're laid up is there anything I can get you?"

"I would like a cup of tea, to be honest."

"Coming right up."

Caroline provided minimum instruction on finding tea, cups, and biscuits, which she could also muster the strength to nibble. It wasn't long after she gave up on her anxiety over Jane knocking around her house unsupervised, and fell asleep.

* * *

"Hullo?!"

 _'Gillian. Thank god.'_ Caroline hauled herself awake and grimaced at Gillian, standing over her and smiling like she'd just caught her cousin in a wicked bind.

"What's this, our Caroline completely helpless? I guess there's a first time for everything." Gillian smiled as she came through, setting her bag on the kitchen counter and turning toward Jane, who was on the couch opposite Caroline reading a paperback. "You must be Jane. I've heard plenty about you."

"That's good news." Jane spared a pleased glance at Caroline before she shook Gillian's hand. Caroline shot Gillian a withering frown – before wincing and closing her eyes again.

"I think you're the friend she might have mentioned to me the other night, after football. The one with the good advice about moving forward."

"She's the one, alright," piped in Caroline.

"I've been telling Caroline she ought to take my advice more often."

Caroline did not open her eyes in response. "Alright. You two have a nice chat. I think perhaps whatever it is I've taken has started to really take effect. Yes. yeah. I'm just going to nod off now." Caroline heard her speech began to slur and decided further conversation was precarious and possibly dangerous.

* * *

"She's adorable. Comes off gruff but she's just a teddy bear, isn't she?" Jane turned from Caroline to Gillian, black eyes twinkling.

"You might be the only one in this house to say that, but I do find her quite pleasant, when she's sleeping."

"So you live up in Halifax?"

"Yup. With husband Robbie and my boy Raff. And granddaughter Calamity. Well she's Jane, actually, like you. And then Alan and Celia from time to time. We're a handful."

"Sounds like it. Love to meet everyone sometime."

"Ah yes. Yeah – that'd be great." Gillian bobbed her head and looked away.

"Well you're here now, I'll pop off – she's in good hands. Let me know though, if I can do anything, if she needs any help."

Jane gathered her jacket, walked over to the couch, gave Caroline's brow a gentle touch and bent to give another kiss on her forehead and murmured something inaudible.

"Bye then, Jane." Gillian smiled and made skirting eye contact as Jane walked toward the door.

"Bye Gillian – nice to meet you!"

Gillian turned to a sleeping Caroline on the couch. "You little minx, Caroline. What you going to do about all these women?"


	14. Chapter 14

"We're in trouble here, aren't we?" Eleanor had followed Caroline out of the senior governor's executive meeting. The two stood facing each other at the far end of the great hall of Sulgrave Heath. Furtive glances assured they were quite alone.

"Yep. We sure are in trouble." _'I am, at least.'_ "It's the garters, Eleanor. I mean _really_. The garters. I look over and I can just see you – in them – like x-ray vision. And then, you know, I just completely lose my train of thought." Caroline smiled and fussed with the woman's lapel.

"Well I can't help that. A girl has to have her – charms."

"But do you have to have them here?"

"How do you know I'm wearing any underwear at all?" Eleanor couldn't look more innocent.

Caroline turned and continued out the doors into the car park. Eleanor followed her to the Jeep.

"Well we'll figure it out, somehow. I'd rather step down than anything – else."

"Oh I'd hate to lose you. You drive me completely batty, but you're doing what a board member is supposed to do. Challenge me – the school – to do better."

"I can always just whisper it in your ear."

The way her brow formed that perfect little triangle over her left eye... Caroline stood at the door of the Jeep, carefully apart as they lingered in the open.

"Mmmm." Caroline cocked her head and looked right into Eleanor. "I wouldn't mind that."

"I have at least an hour, a bit more, before the girls are home."

"Greg's away to York with Flora. Two hours, at least. Depending on traffic and when he leaves."

"Your place, then?"

"As quickly as you and your garters can get there." Caroline's eyes were on fire, openly appraising Eleanor head to toe, just an arm's length away - but already colliding with her, in her mind. _'The whole bloody meeting, all I could think was, 'I want her I want her I want her – right now.' All I could see was her. Tangled up in my sheets._

Caroline watched Eleanor walk away and climbed into the Jeep.

* * *

"Next Saturday – what are you up to?" Eleanor looked at Caroline through the mirror as she replaced her earrings and fixed her hair.

"I'll have Flora – to myself, all day long. All weekend long. Finally. I can't wait." Caroline smiled at the thought as she slid back into her skirt and zipped up. "Greg's off to York again to meet with his partner. They're having some sort of intensive work session, some publishing deadline."

Eleanor smiled. "Lily loves his comics."

"Does she?" Caroline inclined her head. "I took her to be a bit – well, more of an egghead."

"She is. But I can't really box her up. She's got her hands in a bit of everything."

"Well good on her."

"Anyway – I was wondering if you might join us – the girls have a football match, the weather's finally turning, it might be pleasant. I'd like to introduce you. Casually –but more – formally. Not that you don't know the girls, just perhaps we might spend some time – all of us – together."

Caroline watched Eleanor fidget with the buttons of her shirt. She seemed unusually tentative, though an air of defiance hung about her too.

"Well - I will have Flora." Caroline gathered and clipped up her hair.

"Caroline of course that's fine. Of course I hope you'll bring her." Eleanor put her hands on Caroline's shoulders. "I think – I've started to think - not that this," she gestured quickly at the bed, "all this isn't good. Well, divine, actually." A mischievous smile turned serious. "But I'm getting the impression that you think of me as all good looks and great sex. Which isn't a bad thing. But there's a lot more to it – or more to me, than that."

"Eleanor that's an oversimplification of the situation. I know your depth as well as anyone – I respect you. I'd say I even look up to you." _A full-time professional woman successfully raising two healthy, happy girls on her own for ten years. Involved in their lives and in the school? Of course I look up to her._

Eleanor flushed. "Thank you. I know – I know Caroline. Let me keep talking this out for a minute." Eleanor's focus seemed to become inward, pensive and serious, hand on her chin as though she were solving an equation.

"Hold on." Caroline moved over to the sitting area at the window. Twilight was coming in over the garden. Eleanor following a step behind, and they sat.

Eleanor spoke first. "I think we moved faster than I had anticipated, when you came over for brunch. And I'd certainly been hoping we'd have a good romp, you know at some point. But I don't want it to just be sex, Caroline, fantastic as it is. Not with you. I'm happy with my life – happy with our lives, just the way they are. You don't need any more change right now, and I'm not looking to get married. I'm not looking to create some new big blended menagerie of a family – but I'm quite serious about you, and I haven't been serious about a woman in a long time. I want you to know that."

Eleanor stood and began to pace as Caroline responded with silence. "I've gone and shocked you again."

"No. Yes. You do have a way of leaving me at a loss for words."

"I'll put that on my CV – 'additional skills include leaving Caroline Dawson speechless.'"

"Oh you should. Academia will be quite impressed." Caroline paused. "And yes, Eleanor, you do leave me speechless, sometimes." She stood and grabbed Eleanor's hand, stilling her.

"Thank you. But I am serious – about being serious. Not right away. Neither one of us is ready for that. But down the line. I want there to be the possibility of a down the line."

"Eleanor."

"Oh I hate it when your body tenses up. I hate the headmistress look. I mean, it's sexy as hell when you're getting ready to take a crack at someone else. But it really is a forecast for bad weather."

"Eleanor." Caroline took her hand, placed it on her chest. "I need to think. That's all. I need to think, and catch my breath."

"You think too much." A small smile from Eleanor. "I won't push you anymore. I've leaned as hard as I should. I don't like to make mistakes, and I know that would be one, to keep pushing you. But I don't want to feel like I'm competing anymore. I want all of you, Caroline."

"I know. I do overthink things. Me all over, isn't it?" She took Eleanor's hands in both of hers, brought them to her lips for a kiss before letting them go. "But you know – you _knew_ about Jane when you set this whole thing in motion. And - Kate - she's still with me sometimes." Caroline's tone strengthened. "And yes, I'll admit – it takes two to tango. But Eleanor – I said no and you pushed. You can see where I'm coming from here?" There was no question in her mind that Eleanor was the woman who'd captured her imagination. But more than that - it terrified Caroline to think past tomorrow.

"I won't say this is the first time I've used sex to get closer to a woman. But that's not what I wanted with you. Not where I wanted it to end. I've been right under your nose for a decade now, and while the thought had crossed my mind - you never came off as love sick over men, and I couldn't help but dream, sometimes day dream…. But I never believed that you'd give up John – finally, that prat." Eleanor rolled her eyes. "And I was happy for you, really happy for you and Kate. But I have to be honest, I've always been a little bit attracted to you. A woman can't help but notice you. And when you started seeing Jane, well, I thought, 'why that's just not fair, I should get first crack at Caroline.'"

A touch of fire but a touch of amusement crossed Caroline's face. "First crack?"

"It's an expression." Eleanor smiled, the tension in the air diffusing just a bit. "Don't blame me Caroline, for going after what I want. What I want very badly."

"Oh Eleanor I don't really blame you." Caroline exhaled up through her bangs. "I just don't _know_ what I want. What I want to do here. It's a lot."

"I get it. Just say you'll come with us next Saturday. Don't think about it. Just say yes."

"Okay." Caroline rested her brow on Eleanor's. "Yes. I do like saying yes to you."

"Oh I know that." Eleanor's cocky grin returned. "You said it _very_ convincingly, over and over in fact, just about thirty minutes ago."


	15. Chapter 15

"So next Saturday no, but tomorrow yes?"

"Mmmmm," Caroline still hadn't fessed up to Jane about what had happened - what was happening - with Eleanor. Mostly she dreaded it would mean an end to seeing the other woman. Jane just made Caroline – happy. But she'd turned a corner with Eleanor. This situation wasn't fair to Jane - to any of them.

 _'Say yes, Caroline.'_

 _Kate- really. I've got this._

"Yes. Yes Jane. It's been ages since I went riding. We're on."

"Excellent! I'll be around for you about eleven."

"Good. Great. Looking forward to it." She was – and she wasn't. She couldn't bear the look she knew she'd see on Jane's face when she confessed what was going on with Eleanor. But she couldn't deny herself, either. Eleanor was already a compulsion.

* * *

"Steeplechase?"

"Yep." Caroline laughed. "A couple of ribbons, actually, when I was younger. It was a sport where I could be 'unladylike,' I suppose? Aggressive as I wanted to be without some man telling me to calm down. But really, Jane. Ages. Since the boys. Didn't have the time anymore."

"You fit right in up there. Natural posture for it." Jane smiled and laughed as she swayed back and forth in the saddle, in time with the gait of her bay.

She'd put Caroline on a tall, yellow mare who'd nipped at her twice, then settled in. It had been a minute since Caroline had mounted up. She'd been only slight embarrassed but more than happy to accept a hand up from Jane as she swung into the saddle.

"Your sister, this is her land, all of it?"

"Yeah," Jane replied. "My parents, they're just over the rise. Well, over the rise and maybe another few acres east." It had taken them almost two hours to get out to the headlands near Preston, then up high enough with the horses to find this view.

"You grew up - here?"

"Yes. I was really very lucky. Look at this." Jane gestured out as they loped along, surrounded by vibrant green rolling down to the white caps along coast.

Caroline relished the breeze and the crisp air, a welcome change from the concrete-covered world her life had become. "We were just outside the city when I was young. Best of both worlds, I suppose."

"I can see you're not all white gloves and pearls, Caroline, though you make a good show of it." Jane nudged her horse over closer and laughed.

"And maybe you're just a bit more than you let on? DCI, Hayden?"

"Guilty as charged. University, it was more icing on the cake. I knew I wanted more than handing out parking citations."

"Always a woman of the law, so to speak?"

"I guess."

They continued on in silence for a while, the horses' breath steaming a path before them through the early spring afternoon.

"How's Eleanor?"

"Mmmmmm?" To her credit, Caroline did not shift in the saddle.

" _Detective_ Hayden, Caroline. Remember?" Jane pointed at herself and smiled.

"Eh, yes. Right. Well. Easy to forget. I suppose that makes you even better at your job."

"I'm no slouch."

"Clearly."

"Anyway – all's well with you – and Eleanor?"

"Jane I'm sorry, you've really got me at a disadvantage here." Caroline disliked being put off guard, caught out. She was frustrated but couldn't be angry, exactly.

"Sorry. Habit." Jane grinned, paced ahead and reigned up her mare.

Caroline pulled up next to her.

"Jane I've not mislead you."

"You haven't. I know that. But people are rather transparent to me – it's a hallmark of the trade. You're a good egg, Caroline. I don't waste my time with people who aren't." With that Jane pivoted and took off at a cantor across the slope.

Caroline followed at an easy distance, matching her pace and gaining a bit. _'She's having me chase her.'_

Jane pulled up again at a rise, just ahead of Caroline, and dismounted. She draped her reigns at a hedge and waited for Caroline, who trotted up shortly and pivoted easily off her own mount.

Jane took her hand and led her over to a nearby clearing, overlooking a gently wedged valley leading to the distant coastal lands.

"You warm enough?"

"Certainly – the ride got my blood up." Caroline was flushed and ruddy, smiling.

"Let's walk." Jane took her hand.

"This is perfect." The spring sun was just warm enough, the air fresh.

Jane paused. "Caroline – you're a brilliant woman, all the way around. I'm not foolish enough to think that there aren't other women who agree."

"I think you're giving me far too much credit."

"Maybe. Not really. But underestimating women like you, forcing things, forcing you where I may or may not want you to be - it isn't the smart play. I've felt you back off, and it seemed to have more to it than being a widow."

"You've been making the smart play this whole time, haven't you – since we ran into Eleanor that day?"

"Guilty as charged. I saw the way you looked at her, the way she looked at you." Jane gave a sheepish smile. "Dating someone like you, Caroline, it's not easy. It takes a load of guts, and patience."

"I'll agree with you there." Caroline studied her boots before looking back up.

Jane stopped again at the crest of the rise. "This is our destination."

Caroline marveled at the vista, twin hills narrowing down to the sea. Spring was starting in full here, sharp and cold, saline mist rolling in and churning into the smell of warming damp sod.

"Thank you, Jane." Caroline turned and favored her with a grateful smile.

"Caroline I like spending time with you. That's not a bad way to pass the day, with good company."

"It's a splendid way to pass the day."

They stood quietly at the headlands, hands mingled.

"Are you, getting anything here?" Jane turned to Caroline.

"I'm sorry?"

"The two of us. Are you picking up anything, you know - ?" Jane gave an adorable wiggle.

Caroline devolved into peals of laughter, relieving her own anxiety.

"Oh Jane I don't know. You're just rather, you're a bit like sunshine, you know? I can't seem to grasp it, but you keep me warm."

"Well Caroline, you're just intimidating. At least you put on a good show. It can be a fair amount of work to keep up with you."

"Intimidating? To you? 'DCI Hayden,' master of the hardened criminal?" Caroline mustered a satirical frown.

"That's just my day job."

"I see."

"Here, let's try something." Jane turned and put her hand on Caroline's waist, pulled her close and kissed her. They didn't rush it, and Caroline felt warm, pleasant, calm. They pulled apart and studied each other.

"That was lovely." Caroline smiled.

"Mmmm. Lovely. Now, em, tell me. Are you ready to strip my clothes off, right now? Just right here, have a good shag? Because I can't imagine a more perfect moment for it."

Caroline stared. _'Yes? No?'_

"I'm going to take that as a no." Jane smiled at a stricken Caroline. "Don't panic. Chemistry goes both ways. It's – as you say – lovely being with you. But I eh, I'm more of a firecracker when it comes to love? Passion and lust and teenage angst? You're hotter than hot. But there's no spark. You of all people should get it. You know. Science. Two elements have to be reactive."

Caroline raised her brow, earnest. "Jane I really, really like you. I've been in absolute agony, thinking about you, about Eleanor at the same time. You call, you text, and I smile. I can't tell you, I actually looked forward to the football game, to this. That's not like me. I think it's good for me. I think you're good for me." Caroline looked over to the horses, grazing, and out to the valley.

"I really, really like you too, Caroline. I look forward to spending time with you. I feel incredibly lucky we met. You make me laugh, you make me think, and it amuses me to no end to see you put off your game. I like hearing your perspective, it shakes mine up. And we get on together without a lot of fire and ice. Kind of like, say, friends?"

Caroline stared.

"Friends, Caroline. It's a good thing. One needs friends."

"I'm sorry, I just, this is all, it's new. It's overwhelming. I don't get – women."

Jane took Caroline's shoulders and steered her back toward the horses.

"Lesbian 101. We're very much like the other folk. We don't all want to shag each other all the time. You know that's what dating is? Figuring out if there's a 'there,' there. And sometimes it just ends up that you've met someone who's going to be a fantastic friend."

Caroline smiled and nodded. Jane smiled back. They mounted up and paced easily back toward home.

* * *

 _'Celia told you to follow your heart, Caroline. It really is good advice.'_

'Oh you're going to pipe up, now, Kate? Whispering in my ear this whole time to follow Jane?'

 _'Jane's good for you, Caroline. Why isn't my job.'_

'Ghostly privilege, I suppose?'

 _'Call it that, if you want. You need light in your life. It's alright to have lovely friends.'_

'Well fine then. Just try to be direct Kate, when you can. It's nice having you pop in, here and there. It's hard, too. It makes me feel wonderful, and so lonely, at the same time. I miss you.'

 _'Like I said. It's good to have friends. It helps with the lonely parts of life.'_

'So this silence, with you – with Eleanor. Am I to take that as a sign as well?'

 _'Caroline do you honestly want me hovering as you rip off her knickers? And watch those teeth, by the way. Her lingerie looks expensive.'_

'Point taken, then.'


	16. Chapter 16

Outside in the quad, students rushed through the gates after the final Friday bell. Caroline, for the first time in many months, felt just as eager to get home. She shifted her phone to her shoulder and packed a load of papers into her bag as Eleanor's smooth, rich voice filled her ear.

"The girls' matches start at ten and two. It's a split schedule so we can grab a bite in between."

"Do you want to come around and collect me? I think I'm on your way in to Harrogate."

"Oh absolutely, it'll keep the girls on their best behavior – the headmistress in the car."

"Eleanor – I – "

"We've talked, Caroline. They're good girls. If there are rumors at the school it's not their doing. They've had a lesbian mum long enough that the thrill has long worn off."

"Are there rumors? At school?" _'I swear to god I really have no idea what happens around here.'_

"They've mentioned that a few of the boys have made innuendos, which the girls find completely droll."

"Ah well, I suppose the cat's out of the bag then." Caroline, disappointed, frowned. Her mind churned up that rainy morning with Lawrence in the car, chastising her ineffectual internalized homophobia, paired with arrogant and unnecessary prudishness.

"Yes, fine, good, then, Eleanor. Text me when you're on your way." Caroline smiled. "I'm looking forward to it."

"We're all smiles here over it. See you tomorrow morning." Caroline could hear Eleanor's approval at the other end of the line, and she liked knowing she was the cause of the lilt in her voice.

* * *

The wind had howled most of the night, punctuated by fitful bursts of rain showers tapping at the windows. It brought a wonderful effect to the late April morning, however, angry howl stilling to a soft breeze and clearing the air for an impossibly crisp and sunny start to the day. The green on the trees and the red on the flowers popped as Caroline stepped outside, car seat with Flora in her arms and wrapped in overcoat and scarf against the morning chill.

She waived as Eleanor turned the land rover in the drive, girls in the back, smiling at Caroline. Lily and June – 15 and 16, both earnest and sweet, mirrors of each other but impossibly different as only sisters can be.

Caroline clicked, strapped, and buckled Flora's car seat next to June, climbed in the front and turned, acknowledging the girls, wide eyed, who replied in unison. "Good morning, headmistress."

"Mmmmm." She looked at each girl and let them look back, mischief in her eyes. "That seems a touch formal for the occasion. Let's go with Caroline, for today." She smiled as she fastened her own buckle. _'I don't know - how am I this nervous in front of these girls – pupils… Eleanor's right. They're lovely, really. I'm sure it will be fine. It'll be just fine….'_

Caroline, eyes bright and cheeks rosy, turned to Eleanor. "Good morning."

Eleanor leaned over and pecked her cheek, causing even more of a blush to rise in Caroline. "Morning."

"Are we ready?" Eleanor looked at the girls in the rearview.

"Yeah mum – let's go, let's not be late!"

The girls bickered amiably in the back, once in a while leaning over to play or giggle at Flora, with whom they seemed quite taken already. At one point the volume rose, catching Caroline's attention.

"Well June I don't care how smitten you are with Harry. That song is just ghastly."

"It's not – it's sweet. And besides. I don't like Harry. I like Louis."

"Oh for _pete's sake_ , it's a boy telling a girl how much he loves her because of her low self-esteem. Ghastly." Lily rolled her eyes in disgust at June.

"Well it's not if you change the words, in your head. When I hear it he says, 'but when you smile right at me it ain't hard to tell, you know that you're beautiful.'"

"That's lyrically and rhythmically abominable, but at least it's not insulting."

The girls continued on as Caroline returned Eleanor's grin.

"It makes a real difference, to have you as headmistress at the school, you know."

Caroline tilted her head and Eleanor continued. "To have a woman at the helm who doesn't take anything from anybody. It sets an example for the girls."

Caroline stared out the window. "I'd hoped so. It's so hard to tell with the students. They're full of piss with each other, but it's usually impossible to get a full sentence out of the teenagers. They're closer with their teachers, but with me it's all 'yes headmistress this, no headmistress that,' - it makes it hard to know what they do and don't take away."

"Well I can see it in the girls – it's to your credit, Caroline." Eleanor reached over and squeezed her hand as they pulled into the car park.

"Everybody out."

The girls piled out ahead of the two women, both running to the other side of the car to see if they could help with Flora.

"She's totally adorable –" Lily paused – "Ah, Caroline."

"Yes. She is. And we were madly happy for you and Ms. McKenzie." June bit her lip and looked down at the pavement. "I'm really sorry about what happened."

Lily chimed in her agreement, her sad expression earnest in the way that only a teenager's can be, when they're honest - beginning to grasp adult emotions but still as transparent as a child.

"Thank you girls. I appreciate that."

"Now you two head off – don't be late. We'll see you on the field – we've got this."

"We've got this, eh?" Caroline tossed a mocking look at Eleanor.

"I raised two of them, Caroline. Girls are their own breed. I'm so far ahead of you, why when you catch up your head will spinning."

"Oh I don't like the sound of that. She's a handful already." Caroline plucked Flora out of the car, bundled head to toe in fuzzy baby gear.

Eleanor smiled. "Here." She pulled Flora from Caroline without waiting, grinning down and gathering her closely, as Caroline put on the carrier.

"Let me remind you, before you become too impressed with yourself - that was sixteen years ago you were full-time Mum. Things change. And I don't think my back is cut out for this part anymore." Caroline finished prepping and Eleanor snugged Flora into the carrier.

"Well you two _are_ positively adorable. I mean, seriously Caroline, I could absolutely devour you both."

* * *

"Is that Caroline Dawson, standing next to Eleanor Strathclyde? I haven't seen her turn up for a club match before. And what is that baby Eleanor's holding?" At the other side of the pitch two mother from Sulgrave Heath had noticed Eleanor and Caroline.

"I expect it's the headmistress's. She was married to one of the languages teachers, Kate McKenzie, I think – not sure how all the technicalities went," - the two exchanged a glance – "but the one, Kate, had a baby."

"Well where is she now?"

The taller of the two turned and gave an overly piteous glance. "Well she died, actually, last year. Knocked down on the high street. Right after they wed."

"Oh how tragic." The shorter clutched her pearls and clucked. "Imagine."

"Seems like she's getting on fine."

Across the way Caroline had one fisted hand raised, cheering on Lily advancing with the ball on goal.

* * *

"Oh they're talking, alright. I've spent enough of my life with public school parents scrutinizing me to know when I'm the subject of discussion." Caroline chatted with Eleanor on the sideline, her full attention focused on Lily and the pitch, clapping. "Get it Lily – go!"

"Well I hope you don't mind." They'd exchanged the carrier and Eleanor clapped awkwardly over Flora, who simply could not be happier, eyes darting about the field and taking in every bit of the commotion.

"Well I'd long ago learned to dismiss gossip, most of it anyway. It bothered me quite a bit, though, with Kate." Caroline winced as Lily slid into an opponent, just a moment late; a yellow card appearing from the official's belt. "Oh now that was perfectly timed!" Shouting at the referee.

"Who could have possibly imagined you to be so competitive, Caroline?" Dripping in sarcasm, Eleanor gave her an amused glance.

"You're a captain of keen insight, Eleanor." Caroline turned her attention back to the field as Lily walked to the sideline opposite. She clapped her off and shouted over the pitch. "Next time, Lily."

She turned back to Eleanor. "Anyway, it bothered me with Kate. Because unlike all the ridiculous things parents dream up to whisper about, it felt true."

"Hit close to home?"

"Yes, I think so. It got under my skin."

"But you've turned a new leaf?"

"It took time, it took, it took losing a lot, to realize that it just doesn't fucking matter."

"Wise words."

Flora waved a hand at Caroline, who absently clutched it in return, solemnly looking into Eleanor's eyes. "That's the trick in life, isn't it? Figuring out what matters?"

* * *

"OK. What can I get you lot?" The young waitress smiled down at them all, crammed into the booth at the pub, Flora in high chair at the end and banging her hands on the wooden tray.

"Fish and chips," from both girls.

"Ah, burger for me please, with a salad. Medium, all the produce, Havarti cheese – two slices." Caroline handed her menu over.

"You're a bad influence." Eleanor raised her eyes over the menu. "Club sandwich. Rye, toasted. Chips."

"Up in a bit."

"So girls, I promise not to pry. But you're well – at school?" Caroline's kept her tone inviting, she hoped, but it was impossible to keep the headmistress out of her voice when she spoke about Sulgrave Heath.

"Yes ma'am – Caroline." June set down her water and evenly met Caroline's inquiring gaze.

"You're getting on fine, ready for mid-terms?"

"Well mostly. I'm behind a bit in the sciences." June diverted eye contact.

"The sciences? You don't say?"

"Some of the chemical equations are giving her trouble. The longer ionic compounds." Eleanor leaned over to elaborate. "I've helped her quite a bit, but honestly it's been quite a while since I had my own nose in a laboratory beaker."

"Mum – !" June objected to the disclosure.

"Well I'm glad your mum said something June. I mean, I happen to know a fair bit about chemical equations. I'm sure I could help."

"Oh thank you Caroline. But, that's very generous, but I…." June trailed off and looked back at her mum, _'you got me into this.'_

"I don't think June feels comfortable – accepting help from the headmistress."

"Nonsense." Caroline dismissed the objection, but could see the intimidation written all over June's face. "I was a teacher myself once, June. Before I was a headmistress. And before that I was a student – and a tutor – a good one if I do say so."

Still nothing but veiled skepticism from the older girl, but waning.

"I promise that I'm quite patient. We'll try once, and you can tell your mum here if it works. If not, that's that." Caroline crossed and uncrossed her arms across the table. "It's been a while since I actually got to work with a student. You'd be doing me the favor."

"Ehm, OK. Thank you, ma'am – Caroline."

"Monday? Come to my office after classes let out. Give us an hour or so?" Caroline turned, asked permission from Eleanor.

"Sounds good to me."

Lunch arrived and they tucked in.

* * *

The afternoon turned warm and pleasant. Caroline and Eleanor were returned to the sideline, this time robustly cheering June.

At half Eleanor touched Caroline's shoulder. "Can we talk?"

Caroline and Flora turned, both wide eyed, curious, and earnest. "Of course."

Eleanor gestured off toward the edge of the park to a stand of trees.

"I've really, really enjoyed the day Caroline. I think the girls have too."

"Well Flora and I are quite content." Caroline smiled, waving Flora's hand.

"The other week – when I – 'stopped over for tea?'" Eleanor smirked.

"Yes," Caroline, returning the smirk and covering Flora's ears.

"I don't think safety muffs are necessary for this conversation," Eleanor quipped.

"Ah."

"I'm not pushing, Caroline. I'm not. But we're here with the girls." Eleanor paused. "That means something to me."

"Ah."

Caroline nodded. Of course - Eleanor had every reason to be insecure about her commitment. "I did see Jane last weekend. We had a really lovely ride in the country."

"Ride?"

"Horses."

"Ah."

Caroline snuck a hand over to Eleanor's side and took hold.

"We – we're going to call it a good friendship, Jane and I."

Eleanor returned Caroline's hold on her hand and fully faced the other woman, smile creeping onto her face - and a shine starting in her eyes. "I'd say I'm sorry Caroline. But I'm really, really not." She leaned up on her tip toes over Flora to kiss Caroline.

"Hold on." Caroline took Flora out of her carrier and handed her to Eleanor. "Shift her over to your hip, then, Ms. Strathclyde." Caroline gave a fiery wink and stepped directly up to Eleanor, who shifted Flora over and leaned up against Caroline as their lips engaged, growing forceful before Caroline remembered where they were and stepped back.

"Mmmmm hmmmm. I do like winning, Caroline."

"Come on." Caroline took her hand and let her back to the pitch as the second half of the match started up.

* * *

"Good job all." Caroline turned and smiled back at the girls as they pulled from the car park.

"Thank you." Matching smiles beamed forward from two smelly teenagers.

"Ok I've just got to stop at the off-license and grab a bottle of wine for dinner, then I'll drop you two off."

"Sounds good. I'm absolutely exhausted. We'll be glad to get home." She looked back to Flora, who was passed out in her carrier.

A moment later they were pulling into Caroline's drive. She leaned over and kissed Eleanor with a shocking lack of self-consciousness. She patted her shoulder and turned, climbing out and collecting Flora from the back. "Well done today girls." She smiled and grabbed the car door.

"Mum – what time is Zoe coming over for dinner?" Lily leaned up toward the front seat.

Caroline's smile froze cold against her cheeks as she closed the door behind her.


	17. Chapter 17

"Come right through, June." Caroline looked up as Beverley closed the door behind the girl, with a smile and a nod. She looked down at her watch. "Classes wrapped already?" She closed a binder on her desk and came over to her conference table. "Have a seat."

"Thanks, miss." June gave a deferential nod.

"I think we can find a happy medium here." She peered over her glasses, then looking up at June directly. "When it's just the two of us – or when we're with your Mum and your sister, it can still be 'Caroline,' OK?"

June smiled. "Sounds good."

"Now. Those ionic chains still giving you trouble?"

"Loads."

* * *

Caroline, coat draped over her arm, bag and keys in hand, walked out with June, hoping to catch Eleanor.

"Thank you.. I - well - I mean I was definitely intimidated." June grinned. "But you helped me heaps." She stopped and turned toward Caroline at the bottom of the steps leading to the car park. "I hate to ask – but – would you mind just one more hour or so next week? I'm completely nervous about our mid-term exam. And like, really, this really helped. You know a ton." In her very transparent nervousness at asking, the girl forgot to formalize her language.

"I would love to, June." She smiled and placed a hand on the girls shoulder. "Where's your mum?"

"Oh Zoe is picking us up this week – Mum's got some sort of major budget revision deadline that's stressing her out."

"Ah. I see." Nuance lost on the teenager, Caroline's tone iced over and she stood straight. "That would be em, Zoe, I think?" She inclined her head at the young dark-haired woman pulling up toward them behind the driver's seat of Eleanor's Rover. "Have a good night, June."

She waved and turned back toward her Jeep, mumbling to herself. _'Zoe's picking us up this week….'_ She added pantomimes and exaggerated head gestures of June talking as she strutted up to the Jeep and ripped open the door. Who the hell was this girl, anyway?

* * *

 _'Thanks for taking time with June this afternoon – sorry to miss you.'_

 _'Not a problem at all. Glad to.'_

 _'Can I see you this week?'_

 _'I'll be over your place next Tuesday after our faculty meeting, working with June, we can chat then.'_

 _'I was hoping to see you before then - ? Please? ;-)'_

 _'I suppose you were. Booked solid, sorry.'_

Caroline set her phone down on the counter top, picked up the glass of wine she'd forgotten to bring out with her dinner plate and rejoined Greg and Flora at the table.

* * *

"Oh God Caroline, you're just a complete and total idiot sometimes." Jane and Caroline strolled arm in arm out of the library, Celia and Alan behind them.

"Well that may be true. But I don't see how it applies to this situation."

"Have you asked her about Zoe?"

"No." Caroline's chin jutted forward and her pitch rose. "But the two of them at that Oxford thing. Plain as day. 'Good to see you girl,' Ugh."

It was a very Saturday evening in April, sun just beginning to set. Blooms were already blowing off some of the trees and the air smelled pleasant.

Jane stopped and turned Caroline by her shoulders. She gestured over to Celia and Alan to continue on toward the car. "We'll be right there."

She had followed up on Jane's offer of friendship. They'd gone together with Alan and Celia to a community slideshow at the library, a travelogue featuring New Zealand. Some of Alan's pictures had been included, and the older couple was quite excited about the whole thing. Despite the slightly (very) slow pace of the show, Caroline had enjoyed it, and enjoyed seeing her mum and Alan's eyes alight at revisiting their trip from last summer. Alan had taken a particular liking to Jane. Mostly tales of her police adventures, and asked Caroline if she might invite her to come along.

"Caroline you are your own worst enemy."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Chin still angled up, she didn't feel a particular need to hear about reasonable responses.

Jane grabbed Caroline's head in both her hands. "Sometimes I could just shake you, woman. What is rattling around in that blonde head of yours?!"

"Jane."

"Caroline. You have to give people a chance not to let you down. Talk to her. Like a grown adult."

Silence met Jane, who flopped her hands at her sides.

"Is that what I should do?"

"My god look at me. How long did you agonize over trying to tell me you were desperate for Eleanor, when it was written all over your face the whole time, in your body language? And what now?" Jane gestured quickly between the two of them. "Fast friends."

Silence.

"I think you're doing this on purpose. You are completely impossible." Jane gave a mocking frown, poked her shoulder, and turned to join Alan and Celia.

Caroline let her take a few steps and started to follow. "Sometimes. Perhaps."

Jane responded without looking back.

"I don't think I heard you."

"Yes. I've been told that before. Impossible. It may be true. Sometimes." Caroline looped her arm back through Jane's as she caught up. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Caroline."

* * *

"Catherine I'm sure you have no idea what you saw." Eleanor gave her oldest friend a dismissive look and turned back to her Manhattan. Catherine had made a beeline to Eleanor as soon as she turned up at the Oxford cocktail hour, brimming with excitement to deliver her gossip and revel in Eleanor's discomfort.

"Well, I really don't know what to tell you. Because there they were, right out in front of the library. Full blown lover's spat. I've been in the middle of enough of them to know a lover's spat when I see one with my own eyes."

 _'She did seem a bit distant this week.'_

"Nothing else to add? No passionate defense of Caroline's honor?" Catherine chewed the end of her cocktail stick and tilted her head.

"No, Catherine, because I'm sure it's not warranted." She was constantly wondering how she and Catherine ever became friends, and now how they stayed that way.

"Okay then. Don't say I didn't try. Ta."

"Ta…," she shot back in a mocking tone. She turned to the bar and contemplated Caroline Dawson – a woman she'd never picture going behind her back. Not after spending the day with the girls. Surely as a single mum she understood what that had meant to Eleanor. And Caroline had dealt with that dolt of a husband John making a fool of her. She'd absolutely agonized over their affair before she and Jane had even gotten off the ground.

Perhaps Eleanor had pushed too hard. Perhaps she ought to have given Caroline a chance with Jane. Perhaps Caroline was wondering what-if.

Doubts and questions, two things Eleanor abhorred, swirled in her mind.

"Another Manhattan, ma'am?"

"No. Thank you." Eleanor threw cash on the bar and stalked out of the pub.


	18. Chapter 18

"Caroline – come right through. June is at the dining table." Caroline and Eleanor exchanged exceptionally professional smiles.

"Very good." She set down her coat and handbag as she breezed inside.

"You've been busy?"

"Positively slammed."

"Ah." Eleanor followed Caroline into the dining room and continued on to the kitchen, ending the exchange.

Caroline sat down next to June and smiled. "Now – what have we got this week?"

* * *

"Lord I've got to get home. I've been having so much fun I lost track of time." Caroline checked her watch and realized she'd already stayed past time to be home to Flora, while tutoring June.

June rolled her eyes. "I don't know how you can enjoy chemical equations, Caroline."

"Because they're perfectly orderly and systematic. You follow the rules and they do exactly what they're supposed to do."

Eleanor rejoined without looking up from her laptop, perched on the couch in the living room. "And where's the fun in that?"

Caroline stood. "Great job today June. Really. I think we'll make a chemist out of you yet."

"Not likely, but I think at least I'll have a fighting chance at midterms. Thanks." She smiled, collected her books and headed upstairs.

"You're off? Not even a kiss goodbye?" Inquired Eleanor, still at the couch.

"Yep." She took three steps toward the entry and stopped. "Nope." She'd let John get away with far too much for far too long, before she'd confronted him. Not this time.

Eleanor looked up.

Caroline walked toward her and gestured out the French doors toward the patio. "A word?"

"Okay." Eleanor rose, slowly. Her eyes traced Caroline's progress across the living room.

Caroline was looking over at the budding lilacs when Eleanor joined her. "What's this – with Zoe? What's going on between you two?"

"Zoe?"

"Yes. Zoe." She waved her hand. "From Oxford. 'Zoe Smith, class of '98. Classics.' Zoe" She did an animated impression of meeting the girl, looked away and looked back as Eleanor stood, hands clasped, and surprise all over her face. John had looked equally caught out when she'd confronted him about Judith. "Zoe. Coming to dinner. Picking up your kids from school. That Zoe."

"Am I understanding that you're demanding to know about some made up affair when you're carrying on with Jane behind my back?" Eleanor's hands were now balled into fists at her sides.

"'Carrying on' with Jane? I most certainly am not." Caroline's anger became tinged with surprise.

Both women stood, eyes locked and argument raging silently between them.

Caroline's shoulders lowered, very slightly. "Made up affair?"

"Yes. Made up affair. In your head. Crafted from whole cloth. Imagined."

"Eleanor I saw how you greeted her at the cocktail hour. You stopped and got wine to have her for dinner. She's picking up June late from school. What am I supposed to think?"

"That being a single mother is a very hard job that needs a helping hand from a friend, on occasion."

"Ah." Caroline felt her face cool and pale, knowing full well her temper had yet again landed her in a fix, and now unsure of how to make her way back. _Good at getting into trouble, but not as good at getting out, am I?_

"Ah." Eleanor turned her back to Caroline, and the heavy silence resumed. Momentarily she spun back. "And while we're talking about you being a heel, what exactly happened between you and Jane in front of the library last weekend? Catherine was all cheeky at the monthly Oxford gathering, couldn't wait to tell me about the 'lovers spat,' she observed between the two of you."

Caroline was back on the offensive, momentarily. "You're taking me to task over a bit of gossip from that letch of a woman I met the other month?"

"I am."

"Well it wasn't that at all. It wasn't a silly 'lovers spat.' She was chastising me, Eleanor. For being an idiot – about you. Telling me not to fly off the fucking handle about Zoe before I talked to you. Properly."

"Jesus Christ, Caroline. Seriously." Eleanor leaned on a patio chair and shook her head. "You enjoy a good tempest at home as much as you do at the school, don't you?"

"There's no need to use that tone with me. I don't appreciate it."

"Isn't there? Isn't there? My god I can't believe you." Eleanor stalked past her toward the edge of the patio, turned, and walked back to face her. Finger pointed directly at her chest, punctuating the monologue as she delivered it.

"You strut through my life like a bloody duchess. Year after year antagonizing me at every turn. Married to John but giving me those oh-so-appraising looks at meetings and social mixers. You go and fall in love and marry Kate, not another glance my way. And then -"

That frown Caroline didn't like was back. And now all she wanted was to see it gone. To see Eleanor look at her the way Eleanor looked at her. As though she were both an expensive bottle of sinfully good wine and a new puppy, delivered in one beautifully wrapped box.

Eleanor paused and began to pace. "And then – you start noticing me again. You're not as proper and coy as you give yourself credit, Caroline. Do you think I can't tell when you're eyeing me up and down? Sneaking looks? You start all that up again last month, and when feel that I'm going to absolutely explode - you come over to my home and give me the bloody shagging of my life - and then you tell me to _back off_."

Eleanor turned her back. "And you know what – I did. I backed off. I let you wring your hands over another woman. Because nothing's clearer than the fact that one will play by Caroline's rules, or face the bloody consequences." She turned, looked down and fell still. "I have caught on to your tricks. Ten years, Caroline. You forget that I have known you for ten years."

Caroline stood in timid and chastened silence, feeling as though she had been struck. Terrified because she couldn't deny what Eleanor had said. Any of it, really.

"Caroline. Say something."

A response formulated in her mind, and she pleaded for patience with her eyes. But her mouth could not yet shape the right words.

"Do you know - I mean Caroline - do you know what you do to a woman?" Eleanor shook her head, shoulders down.

"I am - at times - I can be self-centered. Self-absorbed. I know that."

Eleanor did not offer acceptance or a response.

"And I can't use the same excuses I did with Kate. I know that."

Still no change. Still that frustrating frown.

"I'm not looking to repeat my own stupid mistakes. It seems, though, that I'm doing just that." Caroline turned to look back out at the garden. "I don't want it to catch up to me, this time. I don't want to muck this up. You've already told me to get out of my own way, and I haven't done that at all, have I?"

Eleanor closed the physical gap but a charged chasm remained. "The worst part of it is, Caroline, that I've already forgiven you. I don't know why. I was done being angry right in the middle of yelling at you." Eleanor's tone was not as soft as her words were. "You're still angry - aren't you? About John. About Kate. I shouldn't have tried this. I should send you packing. Right now."

"But you won't?"

"I should. But I won't let you get away again. I can't."

Silence hung in the descending gloom. ' _Time to be brave, Caroline.'_

"I'm sorry. This – fighting – it's what I know how to do. But it's not what I want to do." She crooked two fingers over the top of Eleanor's navy trousers and pulled her forward, expression serious. "'Bloody shagging of your life?'" The corners of her mouth twitched upward.

"Is that what I said?" Eleanor's tone was softer but her eyes were wary.

Still hooked into the waistband of the other woman's trousers, with the other hand Caroline fidgeted with the collar of Eleanor's starched white blouse, fingers sliding down the placket to the top button and stopping. Caroline Dawson had been making decisions with her head her whole life. Her heart and her body wanted Eleanor, and they were going to win this round.

"I've a good memory, and yep. That's what you said." Caroline still pushed Eleanor toward good humor and acquiescence, demanding victory and consent.

Eleanor's expression opened, her own doe-brown eyes softer and a grin beginning to form.

"I would like to know more, Eleanor, about what exactly it is that I can do to a woman. Specifically, to you." Caroline tugged her even closer as she looked down into Eleanor's cleavage, undoing the top button of her blouse and pressing her index finger into the gap at the center of her pale, butter-yellow bra. She looked back up into Eleanor's lost expression.

Eleanor tilted her forehead onto Caroline's brow and closed her eyes. She wrapped Caroline's hand in her own and placed it over her chest. "Have dinner with me. This Saturday night. Don't make me wait any longer to _know_ , Caroline. Please. Just say yes."

"Yes."


	19. Chapter 19

Caroline stood in silhouette, backlit by the sunset. She'd actually turned to check the light. Her midnight black dress fell straight and curved over her hips and stopped just below her knees, mandarin collar and capped sleeves covered on one side by the drape of a deep burgundy pashmina, the color almost exactly matching her three inch heels. Pearl earrings and blonde hair in a tight French twist, only a few wisps loose at either temple. She'd taken quite a bit of care with her outfit for the evening. Whatever happened later with Eleanor, today's objective was very, very clear in her mind.

Eleanor inhaled sharply as she opened the front door. Every second Caroline had spent agonizing in front of the mirror was redeemed. She caught the pause and took advantage. "Was black too formal?"

Eleanor smiled. "Not at all. Come in."

Caroline collected the small overnight bag at her feet. She crossed the threshold, and roasting meat and root vegetables filled her nose. "It smells divine in here."

She stepped forward and they kissed. And then they kissed again. _'She smells divine - I'd like to wrap myself up in her like a blanket.'_ She would have caught her own breath to see Eleanor at her front door - deep v-neck chocolate brown cashmere sweater, camel slacks barely flared at the ankles, brown suede loafers with golden bows and low heel. Her rust-brown hair hung in loose waves and broke at her chest and shoulders.

"I was just springing dinner from the oven."

Caroline set her bag down in the entry and paused while Eleanor continued on through the dining room and into the kitchen. Eleanor looked back across the counter as Caroline started forward, bottle in hand.

"Lagavulin – 16?" Eleanor put a hand to her heart. "You should have."

"It's always been my favorite. I imagined you might have enjoyed a wee dram or two yourself." Caroline touched her words with a little brogue, and laughed.

"I have." Eleanor picked up the bottle, lingered over the label. "Thank you."

"Thank you, Eleanor. For having me over tonight – for dinner. And for looking past my mistakes." She leaned over the kitchen counter and smiled at the roasting pan. "Osso bucco?" The medallions where browned to a deep sheen and surrounded by carrots, celery, onions, and potatoes.

"My Dad taught me to roast. My Mum taught me to bake."

"Lucky me." Caroline smiled.

"I've just brought it out now – it needs to rest." Eleanor placed a bit of foil over the pan and gestured to two empty wine glasses on the break front next to a full bottle of cabernet. "Shall we?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

"That was – an experience." Caroline replaced her napkin and sat back from the table, having polished the majority of what had been a full plate.

"Thank you." Eleanor stared directly at her over her wine glass. "Just warming up your palate. Tell me the roast wasn't overdone."

"I'd tell you that, but I think you know perfectly well it wasn't."

"Mmmm." Eleanor scowled, and Caroline realized she'd been quite transparently fishing for a compliment. She was an odd mixture of ego and insecurity wrapped up together, leading her into one-way conversational avenues as though Eleanor couldn't have cared less about the response, but needed to hear Caroline praise her all the same.

"Is this your favorite dinner to cook, or did you just think about what I might like best, and savory, tender red meat came right to mind?" The wine was as delicious as the meal had been, and she was feeling inspired by both. She had brought her overnight bag, after all. And no one cooked a meal like that without a goal in mind. Caroline decided that she very much liked being the goal.

"Well the veal was savory and tender, yes - but you left out cruel, Caroline."

"Have I been cruel?"

"At times."

"How so?"

"Why, aside from the obvious, being sexy, brilliant, and unavailable, just this evening you told me James is your favorite mystery mistress."

Caroline laughed - not the turn of conversation she'd expected. "I'm sorry - I think?"

"Yes you should be. While your love of the craft is admirable, it terrifies me you're going to become quite maudlin when the shine of all this has worn off." Eleanor gestured to the kitchen, the wine, and finally to herself.

"Let's let the shine prove itself, and leave Mr. Dalgliesh out of it. I suppose you're going to tell me you're all about the Wimsey? As if I couldn't guess?"

"How dare you. I'm an Alleyn woman through and through. More than that, I'm an Agatha Troy woman. What's life and death without art?" Eleanor punctuated by refilling Caroline's wine glass, catching a drip down the side with a finger - which she promptly dispatched right between her lips.

"Maybe I simply always had a thing for - " She waved a hand at Eleanor. "Tall, dark, and handsome?" She concluded with a licentious stare. This was _much_ better than fighting.

"You're the one who waltzed in here carrying an overnight bag. Presumptuous."

"What? We're hardly blushing virgins."

Not a twitch of a brow in response. Then, Eleanor tossed her napkin on the table. "Care for a dance?"

Caroline looked up through her wine glass and stilled, frozen smile as the candles flickered in Eleanor's eyes, almost black in the waning light. The sun had long set and it was dim in the dining room. "I. Yes. okay." A flood of feelings flowed through her veins and arteries. She smiled, dismissing the memory. "Sorry. Just thinking about – another time."

Eleanor sat back in her chair swirling her wine glass, tracing the rim with her fingertip. "What's the expression – 'the first cut is the deepest?' You never get over your first time with a woman, Caroline. Particularly when you marry her. I get it. It's okay."

Caroline paused, dipped her head shyly and tilted it forward. What was it Gillian had said, about moving on? "Alright. A dance would be nice."

Eleanor took her hand as they stood and moved into the living room. She held it firm as she picked up the ipod at the stereo and scrolled through. She looked up directly into Caroline's timid eyes. "Yes, I think this will be right."

The first strains of the music began, faintly surprising Caroline.

Eleanor looked up. "Lily, our little poet. It's always either Motown our soul or do-wop right now, pouring out of her room. This caught my attention. I think of you when I hear it. I think of – us, maybe?"

The volume picked up. Eleanor moved just off to the side. It created space to step even closer. Caroline looked down to the floor. Their shoes were almost toe to toe. Eleanor's long hair fell forward and tickled Caroline's hand as Eleanor placed it on her waist. She led with her right leg just on the other side of Caroline, pushing her backward a half step with her hip, keeping an intimate distance as their heels slid over the hardwood.

 _… when your baby, leaves you all alone …_

 _and nobody calls you on the phone …_

 _don't you feel like crying …. don't you feel like crying …_

The weighted downbeat kept Caroline's attention on Eleanor, her whole body and how it moved, to meet her rhythm as she moved expertly, confidently, in the space between them.

 _… well come on, and cry to me …_

Their heads side by side, Caroline smiled over Eleanor's shoulder. Still hesitant in her movements, but she matched her pace, following in a small circle as the other woman led. The music played on. She had a firm hand pressed into Eleanor's lower back and the other resting on her shoulder blade.

 _…. when you're all alone, in your lonely room …_

 _and there's nothing, but the smell of her perfume…._

 _… don't you feel like crying …. don't you feel like crying … come on, and cry to me_

Caroline wasn't sad, she wasn't happy. She was both – she was intensely both. Gutted and joyful. Everything, all at the same time. Any distance between their bodies had evaporated.

 _… don't you feel like crying …_

She moved both her hands around onto Eleanor's back, rested her head on her shoulder, soft cashmere. She smiled and closed her eyes as tears did appear. Because she felt everything all at once, fear, safety, hope, loneliness, lust, stillness - smashed together and overwhelming.

 _… come on, come on, cry to me …_

 _nothing can be sadder, than a glass of wine alone …_

 _… loneliness, loneliness, such a waste of time …_

Eleanor lifted her hand to Caroline's head and pulled loose her bobby pins, teasing out her twist with her fingers. She turned her face into Caroline's hair.

 _... don't you see … come on, take my hand … baby won't you walk with me …_

They moved more slowly now, behind the rhythm as the volume of the music swelled.

 _… when you're waiting for a voice to come, in the night …_

 _but there's no one …_

 _… don't you feel like crying … come on, come on … cry to me …_

Eleanor sighed and whispered her despair as the music quieted. "Oh Caroline. I think I might have gone and fallen in love with you."


	20. Chapter 20

Caroline woke just as the sun was beginning to glow over the tree tops, face in Eleanor's soft hair, snugged up to her back, arm over her waist. She lay still for a while, eyes closed, absorbing her place and trying to swim through a haze of satisfaction to get a handle on how she really felt about the situation.

 _'All in all I think this is good. Yep. Yeah - I think I could get used to this dangerously quickly. Question though; is this just about not feeling lonely, right now, or is this about Eleanor? Is this about – oh dear god – love – or endorphins?'_

Eleanor snuffled in her sleep, sighed, and pulled herself tighter into Caroline. Caroline remembered the feel of Eleanor's body moving with hers last night – as they danced, as they made love, as they slept, every moment more in tune that the last. She remembered the feel of Eleanor's mind moving with hers – over past years, out in the world, alone and surrounded by others.

 _'I don't think this is just about not feeling lonely. I think – I feel – that I could really rather enjoy going down this road – whatever road it is – with Eleanor. Well, actually I know I would really, really enjoy it. So enjoyment's not at question here. Perhaps I'll just keep up with the mind-blowing shagging and see where it goes. Live in the moment, as it were.'_

Caroline smiled to herself at whimsey of her thoughts. She tightened her hold on Eleanor before gently rolling toward the other side of the bed to escape to the loo, leaving Eleanor to chase her beauty sleep.

Stepping back into the room she quietly lifted a robe off the door of the en suite. A touch snug, but it was soft, warm, and smelled just like Eleanor. Faintest traces of perfume. She cinched it at the waist and tip toed over to the bed. Still not even a stir.

Silently she made her way into the hall and down the stairs, into the kitchen where she'd left a box of pastries she'd brought with her and left on on the counter. She opened it, and opened two cabinets before remembering where to find plates.

 _'Here I am –rummaging through another woman's kitchen. Nothing more indulgent than that.'_ The clock ticked on the wall in the faint morning light. A mix of emotions ebbed and flowed through her. She felt comfortable, already knowing some of the landscape and where to find plates and cups. She felt like an intruder, knowing the same things. She felt excited, the rush of lust and anticipation that came with knowing that more than likely this wouldn't be her last morning sneaking about this kitchen. Knowing she might soon be familiar with this kitchen.

 _'Where would tea be…'_ She put the kettle on to boil as she hunted, knowing that Eleanor would be delighted to see her making herself at home, still at odds with all that implied. She moved away from the heart of the kitchen and opened a couple more pantry-looking doors. At eye level on the third try she discovered a full cupboard of loose leaf teas in matching individual glass jars. A staggering variety, with a tiny crate of reusable silk tea bags adjacent. _'I had no idea she took her tea this seriously….'_

She browsed until she heard the kettle come to a boil. Frankly overwhelmed by choice at 6.30 in the morning, she played it safe and filled a bag with Scottish Breakfast and a bag with Lady Grey, poured the water over, collected the tea and pastries and carefully made her way back upstairs. The house remained silent and peaceful around her.

* * *

Eleanor had turned onto her back, still sleeping heavily and now splayed out across the bed. Caroline set the pastries and tea down on her side table, slipped out of Eleanor's robe, and gently snuck back in beside her. She nudged up under Eleanor's arm and kissed at her neck and hairline until she stirred, smiling.

"Hi there."

"Hi there." Caroline wrapped her arm around Eleanor's waist, pulled her tight, and continued moving her mouth along Eleanor's body.

"So you're awake."

"I am. And I have tea. And pastries."

"Mmmmm okay." Eleanor smiled wider, finally opened her eyes, and turned to Caroline. "Good morning."

"Good morning." Caroline beamed at a mussed and sleepy Eleanor, waiting for her to regain her wherewithal.

"Tea. Pastries. Yes. I'm famished."

She gathered the sheets up to her shoulders. She motioned with her arm for Eleanor to join her.

"Caroline – "

"Yes?" She looked over with what she hoped would be the right amount of concern based on Eleanor's tone.

"Last night – I mean dinner, and – well not just the end of last night – it was all fantastic. What I'm saying is that I really enjoyed spending the evening with you. And, um – I just – wanted to say that."

"I loved every minute of it – the first and second halves."

"Okay." Eleanor smiled and a look of tension dissipated. "What do we have for tea?"

"Scottish Breakfast or Lady Grey."

"Lady Grey, please." Caroline handed her a cup and a plated croissant.

"I would like you to know, and I'm quite serious, that you are officially invited to sleep over at my house, in my bed, at any time you'd like."

"Is that so?"

"A woman who ravishes me all night and hand delivers tea and pastries in the morning? I'll have a contract drawn up. I may even legally obligate you to sleep over, on a very regular basis."

"You might not need a contract, you know, to make that happen. In fact, if you can agree, contractually of course, to, ehm," Caroline pulled Eleanor up closer to share some of her favorite details of the previous evening.

"You certainly don't need a contract to make any of that happen. We can even make a couple of those things in particular happen again, right now."

* * *

The sun was full-up when they woke again, light pouring into the room.

"OK I must use the loo. Immediately." Eleanor pushed off of Caroline and tumbled out of the bed. She hunted around the room for a moment for her robe before Caroline pointed it out.

"See now that – that right there." Caroline smiled and gestured to a naked Eleanor with a wave of her hand. "That is entirely the problem. You – you and that bloody body. It's all completely undone me."

"Oh I know." Eleanor winked, grabbed her robe, and stalked off.

* * *

Caroline was up and dressing when Eleanor returned.

"No. Don't go. Yet."

Caroline smiled. "It is the last thing I want. But I've had a whole," she checked her watch, "Sixteen hours off. Time to return to the real world."

Eleanor came up to her, again an uncharacteristically earnest look on her face. "I want to be a part of your 'real world,' Caroline. I don't want to own it, I don't want to control it, I don't want to change it – right now – but I want to be a part of it. I meant what I said, last night." Eleanor looked away and thought about what it meant to talk about love with someone like Caroline. "I don't need you to say anything. I just need you to know I meant it."

"I know – I know – Eleanor that's not what I meant. I do want something with you." Caroline took Eleanor's chin and turned it back to face her, looked at her with serious blue eyes. "I mean, I also want lots and lots of whatever it is you do to transport me to somewhere completely unreal," she pointed to the bed. "But I also want you a part of my 'real' life." Caroline smiled and ran her hands down Eleanor's arms, leaned in and kissed her cheek. "But time and tide have escaped me already this morning."

Eleanor smiled, reassured. Her mantle of assurance returned. "I do have my – what did I call them? Charms?"

"Oh you have loads of charms." Caroline smiled, reached out and pulled Eleanor close, kissing her and then kissing her on the brow.

"Thanks."

Caroline finished dressing and Eleanor followed her downstairs.

The lingered in the entrance.

"So what's on for the rest of your day?" Caroline held her bag primly with both hands in front of her as Eleanor fiddled with an imaginary puff of lint at her shoulder.

"Well I've already missed morning yoga. I'm already breaking rules for you."

Caroline inclined her head.

"I do have rules. About women. And a strict one involves never missing Sunday morning yoga."

"Well it's only a rule if I've made it." Caroline adopted a haughty look. "And this 'morning yoga' thing seems like it's going to be rather intrusive."

"Is that so?"

"I don't know - I think it sounds like something I'd say." Caroline smiled and the two women leaned into each other for a long goodbye kiss.

"Bye, then."

"Bye. You will call me, Caroline."

"Yep."

* * *

Caroline smiled as a mélange of images of last night stole through her mind. She leaned over to click in her safety belt and yelped as she sat up and caught sight of Kate in her rear view.

'Kate! Jesus you gave me a start!'

 _'Hi Caroline. I thought you'd never leave. I remember you being insatiable, but really.'_

'Well. I, um. Kate.'

 _'I still love making you uncomfortable.'_

'Yes - people in general seem to enjoy that. I don't.'

 _'Are you happy?'_

Caroline looked down at her hands and fiddled with the keys. 'I think I am, actually.'

 _'Caroline. Be happy. Let that be what I helped you learn how to do. Be truly, unselfconsciously happy. I want that for you. It's all I ever wanted for you.'_

'I know. I – thanks. I still miss you. I mean, I don't feel like I'm misleading Eleanor. But you're still there, sometimes Kate. I can't help it. You left so suddenly. I'm still mad at you, for leaving me like that. Without warning.'

 _'I know. It's OK. But be happy. Be in love. Be true to yourself, Caroline.'_

She closed her eyes and Kate was gone. She started the car and headed home.


	21. Chapter 21

"A dinner party – at Gary's? At that monstrosity of a house, with him and that monstrosity of a woman? Oh mum really?" Caroline's pitch rose through each sentence.

"He says he likes to have an annual 'spring fete.'"

"Dear god."

"Well I know Caroline – but you know as well as I that the best way to keep peace with that boy is to just say yes, muddle through with your chin up, and carry on."

"I suppose."

"What about it, you two back there?" Caroline looked to the back seat where Alan and Gillian maintained intense focus on the passing landscape.

"Sounds lovely, if you ask me." Gillian smiled.

"Oh you're a funny one." Caroline shot daggers back through the mirror.

"Well Gary did seem very excited about it."

"Gary seems excited about everything, Alan." Caroline propped her elbow against the driver's door and leaned against her hand. They were headed into Halifax to meet Gary for a pint presently. Celia had waited to the last minute to spring the event on Caroline. "And when is this 'fete' supposed to occur?"

"At the end of the month."

"You know I'm leaving on 2nd July to go to New York."

"Oh don't you worry love, I think he mentioned it being the last Saturday in June." Celia's wry toned dried out further. "You've no excuse."

 _'Damn. I'd hoped I'd be gone.'_ "Well I'm bringing Eleanor. And that's that." ' _This might work.'_

"Oh fine love, I'm sure he'd be delighted to add another audience member to his show."

 _'Damn.'_

"Eleanor? So Caroline you've a filly that's broken from the pack, then?" _'Oh count on Gillian to stir the pot.'_

"Classy, Gillian. Very classy. Speaking of heading the pack, how's Robbie?"

"Oh just fine, as always, of course." A sullen gaze and a challenge from Gillian "But I so liked dear, sweet Jane."

"Well mum told me to follow my heart, so I did." Caroline and Celia exchanged tight-lipped smiles.

"Good for you then." Alan absently piped up from the back seat.

"Thank you Alan." Caroline returned her attention to the road.

* * *

"A spring garden party? Sounds lovely. Of course I'd love to go, Caroline."

"Oh I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into." Caroline shook her head and waved her fork.

"Enlighten me." Eleanor remained visibly nonplussed.

"You do remember Gary?"

"Your mum's husband's youthful indiscretion? Who could forget?"

Caroline gave Eleanor her stern headmistress look, which seemed to have no chastening effect. "Yes – Gary is Alan's – unplanned – son."

"Well didn't you say he has a grand house? As a rule I never turn down a good party, Caroline."

"I said he had a monstrously huge house. And you seem to have a number of rules of which I was previously unaware."

"An index of them, in fact."

"Well I look forward to learning more about your index of rules."

"Happy to enlighten you. At the right time."

They were just finishing a late dinner at Eleanor's favorite local Italian bistro. Caroline had 'snuck out' after putting Flora down for the evening with Gary at the monitor. Spring was just beginning to really make its way into the air. Stars just out in the mid evening, trees in full, grass lush. They'd had a quick stroll, hand in hand, before dining.

Eleanor sipped her glass of wine and reached over to grab the last forkful of Caroline's tiramisu.

"You're quite welcome!" Caroline did not entirely take offense at the theft. _'She's actually welcome to my tiramisu any day. Just to watch her – yep – do exactly that…'_

Eleanor slid the fork between her pert lips and replaced it on the table. "Don't want you too full." Arched eyebrow and plenty of subtext. Eleanor tucked back a strand of hair behind her ear and plucked her diamond solitaire from where it hung on her neck, played it between her fingers.

"Anyway. Gary is, to put it lightly, a handful. And his wife - Jesus Christ, Eleanor, that woman is an absolute train wreck. I mean it."

"Oh Caroline you're actually convincing me I can't possibly miss this mess of a floor show. Other people's families can be highly entertaining when the champagne is free."

"You are impossible." Caroline did not feign exacerbation.

"Thank you." Eleanor smiled and finished her wine and set the glass on the table. "Now. It's getting rather late. Past my bedtime." More eyebrow and more insinuation.

"Mmmmm no such luck. I'm Flora duty first thing tomorrow. Then 'mummy and me' at the library. Can't. I'm sorry."

Eleanor gave her poutiest pout Caroline had seen to date.

Caroline held her hand up palm first. "Stop. Just don't." She shook her head, and in perfectly serious tone, "You cannot pout at me every time you don't get your way."

"But Caroline," – Eleanor switched tactics; parted her lips, tilted her chin down, looked up at Caroline and traced her finger over her the rim of her wine glass. "You, me, Lagavulin, my big, soft, bed - complete with me - just me - in it."

"Eleanor." Desperation softened the stern edge of Caroline's tone.

"Oh I know. I'm not serious. We both have responsibilities. It's that I just hate it when you tell me no. I like to think you can't refuse me anything. And I do like waking up to your messy blonde bed head; thinking at some point we might not be dashing around."

Still the stern face in reply, but agreement as well, as Caroline bowed her head.

"You ought to think about having Flora over with you sometime. The girls would love it." Eleanor paused and seemed very absorbed by her next bite. "I'd love it."

"Would you?"

"I would."

"Ok then. Yes." Caroline smiled and reached across the table to take Eleanor's hand. "Thank you."

"'Mummy and me' tomorrow at the library? I remember taking the girls."

"Yep. Every it's Wednesday morning in the summer."

"Might I – join you – sometime – in a few weeks, maybe – when you're back from New York?" Uncommon uncertainty came from Eleanor as she continued to ask permission to access to Caroline's inner world.

"Would you?"

"I would."

"OK then. Yes." Caroline held Eleanor's hand fast across the table. "You keep making it harder for me to say no to you."

"That's the point." Eleanor smiled, winked, and polished the last of her wine.


	22. Chapter 22

"Hi. It's me." Caroline made an anxious face as she prepared to let Eleanor down. They'd planned a weekend away in London before Caroline left for New York next month, an attempt to move their relationship out of the bedroom. Caroline was lukewarm, but London was, apparently, one of Eleanor's favorite cities. They'd have to days of grown up time - or had planned it that way. And now, she had to break the news - grown up time was down the drain. Greg had been called away to care for his mother, deathly sick in Manchester. Alan and Celia were already gone on some holiday in the south, Robbie was on shift all weekend, and Gillian already had Calamity while Raff and Ellie were out of town. All backstops collapsed.

"Hi you. Are you ready for our cosmopolitan adventure?" Eleanor practically purred on the other end of the line.

"Yes. Yes, I'm ready. But, em, I'm afraid that I'm running at least an hour late – and I'll have Flora. With me. For the weekend." Caroline waited, walls up, to hear the disappointment in Eleanor's reply.

"Oh. Well - that's unexpected." No hint – yet – of disappointment or disapproval. "But hardly unpredictable for a single mum. She'll fit right in. Tons of room in the flat. Don't forget the monitors."

Caroline stopped her dash across the bedroom mid-step. "Oh." Her look brightened and her anxiety evaporated. "Okay. Thank, you Eleanor."

"Flora's a value-added to your already substantial benefits package, Caroline. And – em – single mum talking here. The line of ladies willing to date a woman who was constantly late and usually had one, if not two, vociferous young girls in tow was always very short. It's fine. Really. I understand."

"Okay. Yes. See you here at thee then?"

"I'll be there with bells on."

"Ah, so..." Caroline stood in the middle of her sunny bedroom, slacks in one hand at her side and mobile in the other at her ear, a perfectly blank expression on her face as her heart began to pound erratically. She looked down at the floor.

"Yes?"

She stared at the floor and didn't say what she wanted to say. "Can't wait."

"I'll see you and Flora at 3p then. Ladies take London!"

"OK. Bye bye." Caroline slowly lowered her mobile and clicked off.

* * *

They had not quite made it to Huntingdon when the traffic began to pick up, substantially. They were at Huntingdon when Flora began to vomit, enthusiastically.

Caroline looked back, alarmed. "Oh Jesus."

Tears were just beginning to form and momentum was building. Caroline reached back and gently placed her hand on Flora's head. "Bloody hell," said Caroline quietly.

"Fever?"

"Yep"

Flora began to wail.

Both women wince. "Exit's up there. Pulling off. Poor thing." Eleanor glanced in the rear view.

Caroline did her best to soothe, but to little avail. "Shhhhh. It's Okay. It's all right Flora. It's Okay. Just a minute. Give mum just a minute."

Flora's watery dark brown eyes met Caroline's but she did not indicate that she believed it would be 'OK' and continued crying – at a somewhat lower volume.

Eleanor turned from the exit ramp into town and pulled into the closest car park, a Brampton Hut that was surprisingly packed.

Caroline piled out and trotted around to Flora, tucked behind Eleanor's seat. She opened the door to a fresh and foul mess.

"Oh dear." Gingerly she unbuckled a snuffling Flora, seemingly appeased that the car had stopped and Caroline was front and center. Caroline lifted her out at arm's length.

Eleanor stood next to Caroline and took in the unhappy little girl, then peered into the Land Rover.

"Might want to give that a second to air out."

Eleanor grimaced.

Flora decided that now would be an excellent time to vomit down the entire front of Caroline.

Caroline closed her eyes and Eleanor stifled a laugh before stepping forward and grabbing Flora and replacing her in the car seat. "Can't do much more damage, so you rest here, Flora. I think I need to help your Mum." Eleanor turned back, covered her mouth with her hand. "Okay. This is. Ummm. Okay. Give me a minute."

Caroline saw her almost crying not to laugh.

"Yep. I can see the humor in this, Eleanor. Absolute laugh riot." Caroline scowled and stood rigid with her hands in midair looking down at her yellow-green sweater and jeans.

"Oh Caroline I'm so sorry. I am. You go into the restaurant – see what you can do. I'll grab Flora and a fresh sweater for you, a change for her, and I'll be right in."

Caroline nodded, winced, and started across the car park.

Eleanor turned back to Flora, who had tears still streaming down her face and occasional sniffles.

"Now, little one. What are we going to do with you?" She'd fetched a tissue from the glove box and held it gently up to Flora's nose. "Blow." Flora complied. She tucked it back into her pocket saving it for later and ran a hand over the little girl's head. "Just hold on," she gestured toward the congealing remains, "and hit pause while in the Land Rover, yes?"

Eleanor closed the door and went around and opened the hatch. Flora's bag was on top and she grabbed a change of clothes. She shifted the bag and opened Caroline's in search of a fresh top. She plucked a lightweight sky-blue sweater from under a pair of slacks and noticed the white corner of an envelope tucked underneath and tugged it loose. "Eleanor."

She quickly tucked it back in and pulled the slacks back over it and added a camisole for good measure. She pulled the hatch closed, stuffed the roll of clothes under her arm and went back around to Flora. She pulled a band from her pocket and quickly tied up her hair.

"OK. Let's you and I make a deal, young miss." Eleanor again lifted Flora, who of course had escaped the worst of it. "No more of what you did to your lovely mum, at least until we get somewhere… safer." She hiked her to the side of her hip, bumped the door closed with her other hip, and started out to rescue Caroline.

* * *

It was almost dark when they emerged from the restaurant, and Flora was still feverish and fussy. Her stomach at least seemed to be empty, but she was inconsolable.

Eleanor had done her best to clean out the SUV, but it was not pleasant when they opened the door.

Caroline turned to Eleanor after replacing Flora and buckling her back in. "I am, so, so sorry."

"Ah the good old days. This was my first mess-free car in several years." Eleanor smiled nostalgically. "Now though, we ought to go have her looked at somewhere?"

"I'm afraid so." Caroline smiled in apology.

"OK but let's stand outside the car while we look it up?"

"Absolutely." They exchanged smiles.

"OK – here we go. Clinic just a few miles over." Caroline pointed back at the motorway.

"Off we go – windows down." Eleanor wrinkled her nose.

* * *

In a turn of good luck they only had to wait an hour and a half to see a physician. A blood test and strep test were run; Flora was certainly not enthusiastic, but on the whole was exceedingly well behaved. It seemed Eleanor still carried a few tricks up her sleeve when it came to 18 month old girls, and a little after 9pm they were on the way to the local chemist with a vague diagnosis and prescription. Caroline was wiped and over the whole thing, but Eleanor and Flora seemed to have built quite the rapport. By 10pm they were all buckled back into the Land Rover.

Caroline leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "oooof"

"So – some good news." Eleanor, mirroring Caroline's repose, turned against the headrest, reached over and took Caroline's hand. "I was productive during our brief wait at the clinic. I've booked us in town, not too far from here. A quiet B and B. I think a nice soft bed and a nightcap would do us infinitely better than another hour and a half in the car."

Caroline's eyes remained closed. _'How am I possibly this lucky? And who uses lucky to describe my night?'_ She opened her eyes and gave a tired and grateful half-smile. "Who are you, Eleanor Strathclyde?"

"Current girlfriend of one smart, sexy, and amazing Caroline Dawson. Wait – did I say beautiful? That too."

"Current?"

"Current."

In the hazy blessing that can be fatigue, Caroline only gave a passing thought to their accommodation. Her memory of that Caroline from years ago brought a bemused smile to her face. _'Sometimes we worry about the silliest things, don't we? Until they seem quite insurmountable. Sometimes being worried about people's expectations, about how you might disappoint them, makes it all the easier to do so.'_

She looked across the lobby from where she'd sprawled in an arm chair - Eleanor with wavy brown auburn hair now tumbled down her back, cardigan askew, Flora on her hip and signing in to their room. Flora was still fussy but was also too tired to put up much of a fight about anything. She had clearly decided though, that one or the other of the women would be holding her at all times.

Eleanor sauntered slowly back to where Caroline 'stood' guard over their bags. She held out a hand. Caroline did not stand, but raised a tired arm and took it.

"Let's go then."


	23. Chapter 23

Caroline frowned as soon as she woke, completely confused. Were there actually cows lowing outside the window? Had they stayed that far out of town? Last night was such a blur, it was entirely possible Eleanor had driven them further than Caroline thought. She looked into the first purple-pink light of dawn glowing at the window and listened carefully. _'Yep. Definitely cows.'_

Flora had started to stir but was not yet up. She must have been exhausted. Poor girl.

Caroline turned to Eleanor, who, she'd discovered, was quite fond of sleep. _'I'm not human without my 8 hours, Caroline. You don't want to see it.'_

She laid the side of her head back against the pillow with her face in Eleanor's hair and worried over what they were going to do. Eleanor was so set, so excited about London. _'But Flora – there's no way. Should I hire a car and just get home? Yes. That makes the most sense. Eleanor loves London, she's got friends there, that'll solve it for both of us.'_

"I feel you thinking." Eleanor murmured at Caroline through closed eyes.

"Is my core processor clunky?"

"No. But your body language is that obvious."

"I apologize for interrupting your beauty sleep," Caroline jested in a non-apologetic tone.

"Tell me that my beauty sleep is not completely worth it." Eleanor rolled under the sheet to face Caroline, eyes slivered open.

"Every minute." Caroline adopted a ridiculously earnest expression and Eleanor clumsily put a hand over Caroline's face and pushed her over.

"So smart for so early." Eleanor reclosed her eyes. "mmmmmm. More sleeping."

"Alright. Sleep away. As if I could stop you. I'll see about some tea and pastries." Caroline's voice wasn't quite condescending.

"Delightful. We've a good contract." Eleanor's eyes were half-closed, and she was already drifting off again.

* * *

An hour later Caroline had procured breakfast, rousted, fed, and dressed Flora, who was happily engaged with a favored stuffie.

Caroline placed a tray at the side of the bed opposite Eleanor - who had already started to toss about and now sat up, eyes heavy but open. "Now, your royal highness. Tea and scones served."

"Lovely."

After a moment Caroline set down her tea looked at Eleanor, anxious at having to leave, but resigned. "I've been thinking about what to do – since our initial plan is so clearly derailed."

Eleanor calmly sipped her tea and raised her brow. "And what unilateral solution have you come to?"

"I'll hire a car in Huntingdon, and you can drive on to London. I'm terribly sorry to break up our weekend like this. But that way you can keep your appointments." Caroline's face was businesslike and she was pleased at herself for so neatly solving the puzzle.

"Mmmm hmmm." Eleanor nodded. "Or, we can simply stay here together, another night, and let Flora sleep and rest, and head home together tomorrow, refreshed, and a nice weekend saved from the whole thing."

"Oh." Caroline frowned at a solution she had not conceived. "Well. Okay." She took a moment to adjust to Eleanor's plan, turn it over and be sure she approved. "That's fine, then."

"Oh is it 'fine then?'" Eleanor copied Caroline's tone and grinned.

"Yes."

* * *

Flora's fever and fitfulness had subsided, and they'd decided on a walk around the grounds of the B and B and a casual charcuterie picnic at the edge of the great lawn. The sun was high and the last of spring was favoring them with blue skies, fresh air and a gentle warmth.

"We all lost everything, essentially, when my sister June died. The center collapsed. Mum got very angry, dad got very quiet. Jonathan, my brother, went off to University, and there I was, sixteen and alone in a great, empty house."

"I'm sorry, Eleanor. What happened?" Caroline had not even known Eleanor had a younger sister, at one time. She reached across the blanket and took her hand.

Eleanor squeezed it and leaned back with a sad smile. "Leukemia. It was quick, I mean, we fought it, but all the same, we lost her in a year - a year that was too long for her but passed too quickly for us. She never quite made her 14th birthday."

Eleanor gave a genuine smile in recollection. "I'm sorry too. I loved June. To pieces. We fought, all the time, be we were the very best of friends. It left a mark when she was gone." She sighed. "You can still see the price we paid, somewhere, in all of us. It's just that some of us have worked harder to heal."

She continued, shading her eyes against the sun and rambling with her train of thought. "Mum took it the worst. And now she's taking it back out on anyone within reach." Eleanor thought about her mum, how she'd been before June, and after.

"And then I went off for summer session before University. And there was - Emma - my first girlfriend, my ex-wife, now. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I fell instantly in love. Well - I suppose was the red hair and green eyes. And the way she just took charge – of me, of everything. I didn't have to pretend to be in control of myself or anything else. All I had to give was loyalty, and rewards would be apportioned. I followed her about like a puppy."

"You – followed – Emma – anyone – around like a puppy?"

"Many of my rules about women were inspired by Emma." Eleanor smiled ruefully. "Her coming or her leaving. Not everyone is nice to puppies. But it doesn't make them any less loyal once they've imprinted."

"So this is the infamous first girlfriend you'll never get over?" Caroline's eyes fired and her lips set. "Can't wait to meet her."

"Caroline." Eleanor gave her a dead eyed stare of seriousness. "Emma – and your complete lack of resemblance physical or personal – is the best thing you have going for you - in that respect."

Caroline nodded. "And the girls? What happened?"

"They're both mine. I think it's the only thing I've done that actually pleased my mother." At this Eleanor did truly seem sad; her manner became heavy. "Emma walked out of the girls' lives as quickly and easily as she walked into mine. I'll never forgive her for that."

"How could you?" Caroline thought of John, how close she had come to letting him abdicate the consequences of his selfish cruelty. Thought again of the blessing Kate had been in so many ways.

"June and Lily and I worked hard to put our family back together. I don't even have words for how proud I am of them, the girls – women, really – that they've already grown up to be."

Caroline sat up from a reclined pose parallel to Eleanor and crossed her legs, facing. "It's no mean feat, what you've accomplished, Eleanor."

"I see a lot of my sister in both of them - her kind spirit, and there's mum there too. Mum and her strength - before. I think I was terribly lucky."

Caroline looked over at a sleepy Flora, half-heartedly pushing bright and oddly shaped blocks around the grass. "You can't imagine what they're going to mean to you until they're right here, can you?" She reached over and ran a hand over Flora's head, who looked over and smiled in response.

Eleanor nodded her head in agreement and they both paused in introspective quietude.

"So Caroline – Oxford? How did you end up there? I mean I was born to go – the Strathclydes have been attending Oxford since time immemorial."

"Wait a minute." Caroline gave Eleanor a piercing and curious glance as a memory flickered. "Wait. Wait. The – the lower reading room at Bodleian – that ridiculous bust at the entry…" Caroline trailed off, unbelieving.

"Great, great, grandfather. He was a 'distinguished patron.'"

Caroline made a hilarious face. "I see."

"In any case, Caroline, you're quite fond of talking about yourself. So how do we keep getting off track?" Eleanor gave a smug grin.

Caroline was not amused but continued on. "Actually I very much wanted to go to Yale. The states seemed like such an adventure. I was admitted, and to LSE as well. But dad was an Oxford man, and I think mum would have been crushed if I'd gone abroad. In the end, I suppose I wanted to please my father and not disappoint my mother. Oxford wasn't a bad choice, but it was a choice."

"But you had wanted to follow your own path."

"I did. I tried, at Oxford. But, mum, she, you know, she just couldn't let me. There was – there was someone. A girl. At Oxford."

Eleanor looked up abruptly from playing with Flora. "Caroline, no. Really? At University?"

"Well, I mean, it's not like this lesbian thing just appeared out of the blue at age forty-five."

"It's been known to happen."

"Her name was Jackie Lassiter. Oh she was perfect. In my mind. For a minute, I thought…" Caroline was instantly transported back in time, some twenty-five years. Then her eyes cleared and she was present again. "I don't know what I thought, I suppose." She looked down and plucked a blade of grass and rolled it between her fingers. "But Celia wasn't having any of it. And then I met John – and it seemed like the answer to a lot of difficult questions."

"So there you were at forty-five – still stumbling along?"

Animation crept back into Caroline's voice. "Yep. And honestly, if John hadn't gone and did what he did with that pathetic woman, and lord knows who else, I don't know what would have happened." Caroline shook her head.

"I think Kate was meant for you, Caroline." Eleanor's tone was somber but confident and her eyes were kind. "I really do. The right people have a way of being there at the right time."

Hands folded in her lap, Caroline looked down with a thin smile. "Perhaps."

"None of us will make it to fifty without scars to show for it. On the outside or the inside." Eleanor turned on the blanket with her flank toward Caroline, and pulled up her thin brown sweater to her bra line.

Caroline thrilled for a moment, in embarrassment at the public display - mixed with lust at Eleanor's creamy skin so unexpectedly exposed.

"You've seen the appendix scar. From back before they were dainty about it. And then the C-section scar from Lily."

Caroline laughed at Eleanor's transparent attempt to change the subject – and cheer her up. "You do not need to show me that - at the present moment." She couldn't help herself from grinning. "Though I'm sure everyone is amused by your show and tell. Enough." She gave a very false look of disapproval and took Eleanor's hand. "We have been through the wars, haven't we?"

* * *

"Will you finally spill it then, this 'rules' business?"

"Seeing as how I've broken every single one of them for you, I might as well. At least the top five."

"The top five?"

"The founding list. From University days themselves, forged in fire and battle tested through girlfriends untold, with the very best wisdom the women Oxford had to offer. Present company excluded, of course."

Caroline frowned, bemused. "Of course."

Eleanor held up her index finger. "First - the cardinal rule. The deadliest of sins. And the first I broke for you." Eleanor pointed her fork at Caroline before spearing an asparagus, chewing and taking her time in continuing.

"'Never – never want a woman you can't have.'" Eleanor placed both her forearms on the table and gave Caroline a look of complete frustration. "That one went out the window years ago with you, as you know. But I'd resigned myself that you were tragically wasted on men."

Embarrassed, Caroline looked down and reached for a roll. She split and buttered it clumsily. After a quietly pleasant day they'd put Flora down, grabbed the monitor, and headed to the dining room at the B and B for dinner. It was only six tables, but the pre fixe was exactly what they'd wanted and the wine list had been even more enticing. The service had been slow but the meals were lovingly crafted, and they were in no mood to rush the conversation.

Eleanor continued. "The immediate and related follow up. 'Never want a woman who doesn't want you.'" She arched her brow and swirled her wine while Caroline refused to make eye contact. "Two down, under the impressive heel of Caroline Dawson."

She held up three fingers. "'Never make yourself too available.'" Eleanor ducked her head. "Are you sensing a theme, here, or do you think I wander about Harrogate looking for any woman I might throw myself at in the middle of her office?"

Caroline waved her knife back and forth while she chewed, but would not yet look at Eleanor. Secretly, she was enjoying herself too much. It was still new, and thrilling, to be the obvious object of Eleanor's affection. She put on a dismissive face and tone. "Who made these silly rules, anyway?" She took another bite of her roll, eyes cast off in the distance, as though unimpressed.

"Oh we were all the grandest of pals the four of us. Still are, in fact. You've met Catherine."

Caroline finally looked up, scandalized and blue eyes wide. "That Catherine?"

"Indeed. We have what you might call a 'love-hate' relationship."

"Don't take this the wrong way, Eleanor, but between Emma and Catherine you display a shockingly poor choice of friends." Caroline's face was serious.

"We all make mistakes when we're young - that we have to live with."

Caroline tilted her head in accord. "Fair enough. You can continue."

"Why thank you." Grin from Eleanor. "'In life and in love, confidence always wins.'"

"Well I think you'd have a hard time arguing that one. You were hardly self-conscious." Still seriousness from Caroline as she rebuked what she considered specious claims.

"Externally. My mind was an entirely different matter."

"Did I really put you so off balance?" Caroline made a dubious face.

"Caroline you spent the first six weeks we were 'dating,' - I suppose I'll call it - telling me you that were more interested in another woman. Hardly a confidence booster."

"Mmmmm. You might also have me on that one." The intimate setting at the B and B, the wine, the simple but perfectly prepared dinner, and most of all Eleanor's ability to somehow make herself endlessly interesting to Caroline were combining into a hypnotic cocktail within Caroline. She felt practically light – almost disembodied. She imagined standing off to the side and observing herself – with Eleanor - at the table. Oblivious to the rest of the world. Smiling and flirting and acting almost girlish.

"And finally, rounding out the core commandments, 'Never forget – you're always the hot one.'" Eleanor pointed her fork back at herself. "Clearly chucked overboard when you and those long legs walked in – in those damn skirts that fit just right."

"Now you're flattering me." Caroline gave Eleanor a very skeptical look.

"I won't deny I've used flattery – well, use flattery. On occasion." Eleanor gave a sly grin. "But honestly, Caroline, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known. The smartest, the most self-assured - and you deserve to be - and the sexiest." Eleanor finally looked down, at last introspective and tentative. "I can't believe it sometimes, when you kiss me, that you're actually kissing me." Eleanor leaned in close and Caroline mirrored her. Eleanor he lowered her voice and her eyes, and Caroline leaned in even further, their heads inches apart. Locks of auburn spilled on to the table.

"You know it's not just to seduce you, when I call your name in bed." Eleanor looked up, brown eyes earnest, into Caroline's surprised gaze. "Sometimes I just can't believe it's you I'm making love to. When I call your name - it reminds me that the intensity is real. That we're real." Eleanor looked back down to the table.

Caroline blushed to her roots, immediately sat back and folded her arms across her chest. It was not completely in embarrassment, but mostly disbelief. She tilted her chin down and met Eleanor's eyes at an angle, assessing. After a moment she favored her with a small smile.

"You're being serious, aren't you?"

Eleanor recovered herself, sat upright and finished her wine. "I am serious. And - well - I also know it drives you mad."

Caroline was catching on to Eleanor's pattern. The confession - followed by, or sometimes concealed in, the provocative jest. She put on an earnest and serious face of her own. "You drive me mad Eleanor. You do. I love it. I - " Caroline tapered off. She cleared her throat. "I think it's time we went upstairs."

* * *

They slipped into the dark room, lit by the late August moon. All was peaceful with Flora. Caroline quietly stepped out of her shoes and tiptoed in to unnecessarily re-tuck blankets in the crib. She leaned over for a moment, then turned and walked back to the sleeping area, gently shutting the French doors to the sitting room.

"Whatever the chemist – or the doctor – gave her is a miracle. Fever still down and she's sleeping like a rock."

Eleanor placed her palms together in a prayerful gesture, glanced piously skyward and mouthed the words _'thank you.'_

Caroline chuckled quietly.

Eleanor turned and walked across the room to the en-suite, pulling her sweater over her head. "Mmmm. Let's have a bath." She walked on without waiting for Caroline, who pulled off her own top steps behind.

"Fantastic idea." She followed Eleanor in and closed the door behind them.

Eleanor reached down to turn on the faucet.

"Hold on." Caroline grabbed the waistband at the back of Eleanor's trousers and pulled her upright and turned her facing. She grabbed Eleanor firmly at her sides and kissed her intently; insistently. Caroline's eyes were on fire and her face was deadly serious. "I promise not to make you wait any more for me, Eleanor."

Silence descended as Caroline hastily unbuttoned Eleanor's trousers and let them slip down, Eleanor returning the favor. They were bare in seconds and Caroline had Eleanor locked against her in a kiss that was endless, and continually built in momentum. She tugged Eleanor down at the shoulders and they sank to the ground.

Caroline gently pushed at the center of Eleanor's chest and she laid back, one palm against the cool bathtub and one on Caroline's hot shoulder, which momentarily moved out of reach as Caroline nipped and kissed her collarbone, stomach, both hips, and finally, Eleanor.

Eleanor drew her breath in sharply and brought one foot up to Caroline's shoulder. Caroline firmed her grasp at Eleanor's hips to compensate. She struggled to stay slow, soft, and managed it for a few minutes, but Caroline's own body raged at her to consume everything Eleanor had to offer, as Eleanor, silent except for ragged bursts of breath, first relaxed and then began to tense. Eyes closed, Eleanor's other palm fell to the bathroom floor in an effort to hold on to something.

Eleanor's body tensed again and she shuddered, whimpered softly as Caroline refused to stop. Caroline finally yielded, her own body humming at a frantic, fevered pitch in response to Eleanor's. She was electrified and very nearly over the edge herself as she kissed all of Eleanor's skin on her way up to nuzzle her neck.

She shifted her body over top of Eleanor's, and brought her gaze up to lock with Eleanor's, who was hypnotized, paralyzed.

She felt Caroline's searching wide blue eyes reach in and pull out every piece of her, bold and never wavering, demanding to own all of her. She saw, she felt Caroline blatantly examining every inch of her inside and out, and struggle to grab even more of her, all of her, a naked dissection to discover what exactly Eleanor was doing to her. More importantly asking, eyes demanding to know as the intensity built - _why? How?_

Caroline moved gently against her, once, twice, three times, already sailing to oblivion, never breaking eye contact. Eleanor let out a tiny cry and shattered into a million pieces as disbelief, despair, joy, and release all passed across Caroline's face, pouring all of Eleanor back into her through Caroline's impossibly blue eyes, which had never disengaged. As a shy smile came to Caroline's face she finally released Eleanor.

Caroline melted and exhaled. Voice deep and face buried in Eleanor's neck, she whispered what she'd been trying to say for days. "I love you - Eleanor."

Eleanor turned her head away and covered her face with her hand. She squeezed shut eyes that were already filled with silent hot tears, spilling through her fingers. "God, I love you, Caroline. I wish I didn't. But I do."


	24. Chapter 24

There was a tectonic shift in the relationship by Sunday morning. Something had engaged. The two massive continental emotional plates of Caroline and Eleanor had collided violently and settled into each other as the ground beneath others shook.

Eleanor had sent the Land Rover out to be completely detailed on Saturday, and they were relieved to find it odor-neutral on the ride home.

By the time they'd reached Grantham, Caroline knew Eleanor's favorite album - well, current favorite - Eleanor had insisted the question simply wasn't fair. That her all-time was of course Rosemary Clooney, Jazz Singer, but for the entire summer she simply couldn't stop listening to Amy Winehouse's Lioness.

Caroline had admitted that ever since she'd seen Fleetwood Mac live - Rumors had been her very first concert - that she'd been impossibly in love with Stevie Nicks, even though she was a homewrecker and of course Christine McVie had the far superior voice.

A shared favorite visual artists took some digging, but they settled on Julia Margaret Cameron and Paul Klee. There was a significant and vociferous falling out between them over the relative merits of post-modern art, Caroline insisting that 99% was absolute rubbish, and Eleanor aristocratically informing Caroline that she lacked context in her evaluation, and Sarah Maple was simply brilliant.

They were not quite an hour from dropping Caroline off when Eleanor asked after William. "I didn't know him very well at Sulgrave Heath, but even so, and from your characterization of him, Caroline, he seems very quiet to me."

"Yes – he's been uncharacteristically introspective this summer. He says he's just preoccupied with getting ahead of his studies before term, and catching up with mates, but you know you're right." Caroline gazed out the window. She'd spent several long days with William, but had not recaptured the closeness they'd shared before he left for University. She'd accounted for it as him wanting to cut the apron strings, but Eleanor's comments renewed her unease.

"He leaves next week to head back. I'll see if maybe he's be up for a last mother-son bonding." She smiled. "Thanks for asking."

They approached Harrogate and Caroline turned in her seat to face Eleanor. "I've had a wonderful weekend. I know it wasn't what we planned – she spared a glance back at the sleeping Flora – but it was really – good."

Eleanor reached over and took her hand, eyes on the road for a moment before glancing over. "It was perfect. Just perfect." She grinned and, on cue, winked. "And remind me that I'd like to take a bath with you more often."

"Ah. Caroline snatched her hand away playfully and swatted Eleanor on the shoulder. "Stop."

"Only if you want me to."

"Nope."

They rode on in silence through town and pulled into Caroline's street, both women resonating with the fundamental change between them. Eleanor pulled over a block short of Caroline's.

"I wanted one more minute alone."

Caroline unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over into Eleanor for a long and needful kiss.

"That is exactly what I wanted out of that minute."

* * *

"Girls – I'm home!" Eleanor exclaimed in excitement as June and Lily poked their heads up from the couch.

"Hi mum!" They got up and strolled in for welcome home hugs.

Zoe came out of the kitchen with curiosity all over her face. "Well. How was it?!"

"Entirely not what I – or Caroline – expected. But it was fantastic." She nudged Zoe with an elbow. "I'll fill _you_ in later."

Lily, always earnest. "Well you're home in time for dinner. Zoe's made pesto for pasta and fresh salad." Eleanor wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed Lily on the top of her head. "Sounds perfect. Let me take my things upstairs and freshen up, and I'll be right down."

"OK. And Mum – we want stories." June's eyes were insistent.

"I've got them, I promise."

Eleanor grabbed her luggage and proceeded upstairs. Out of nowhere a vision of herself, Caroline in chase, the morning she'd returned from the states, sprung to memory. She lifted her bag onto the bed and opened it to take out her toiletries.

She was surprised as the little white envelope she'd totally forgotten about looked back at her from the top of her clothes. _"Eleanor."_

She picked it up and turned it over, slowly, savoring the anticipation, wondering what Caroline had slipped in to her bag on the sly. It was heavier than she expected.

She slid her finger along the seal and under the flap, carefully, not wanting to tear it too much. Inside was a pretty, but unremarkable card, a favorite watercolor of Caroline's. Inside was a house key, and a brief note.

 _"I've an empty drawer in the bureau with your name on it, if you ever feel like making yourself more at home – love, C"_

Eleanor looked down and closed her hand around the key. She turned her head and gazed out the window toward Caroline's house as the sun set over the horizon.


	25. Chapter 25

Gary's house was in full peacock glory as Caroline's loaded Jeep pulled into the drive, Gillian and Robbie in the Land Rover behind them.

"Let me review. We'll have your family, Caroline, - Alan and Celia," In the passenger seat of the Jeep, Eleanor turned to smile at Alan, whom she'd already told Caroline she adored 'like a caricature of everyone's favorite grandfather.' "Gillian and Robbie of course, and then Gary and his wife – Felicity."

Caroline nodded. Eleanor smiled as Caroline reached over, tucked a strand of auburn hair back and adjusted Eleanor's necklace, which didn't need it.

"And Felicity's brother Henry and his wife, Lacey."

"That's the big bloody lot." Celia's lip crept up and she shrugged. "Can't wait to see what he's got planned."

"Well it's Gary, after all. Who knows what might happen." Caroline shrugged herself. She was soon headed for New York and two weeks all to herself with Flora, and with Ginika. Her spirits could not be ruffled.

She jumped out, then noticed Eleanor waiting in the passenger seat. She laughed and skirted the front of the Jeep to open the door for her.

"At your service, my lady." She curtsied and waved a hand toward Eleanor.

"Yes you are." Eleanor tugged at Caroline's jacket and returned her laugh and her smile as they walked toward the house.

Bistro lights hung across the entire the front. The main doors where open all the way through to the garden, similarly adorned with strings of warm yellow lights. Strains of music made their way to the front of the house as Felicity and Gary stepped out onto the entry landing to greet everyone.

"Welcome!" Gary stepped forward toward Alan and embraced him warmly, before hugging Gillian and shaking Robbie's hand. He turned to Caroline, who indicated a hug would be acceptable, and then to Eleanor, who put her hand out immediately. "Eleanor Strathclyde."

Gary took it and the charm in his smile stepped up a notch, and he put a second hand over hers as they shook. Caroline had seen him to it to with several new acquaintances. "Glad to meet you."

Felicity followed suit, but curiously appraised Eleanor up, down, and back up again. "Strathclyde, you said," emphasis on the name, pronounced perfectly. Eleanor seemed abashed and nodded as she shook Felicity's hand. "Yes."

"As in – "

Eleanor cut her off abruptly. "You must be Felicity's brother, Henry" nodding over to the couple just appearing on the landing "and – wife Lacey." She walked past the other woman – almost rude, and it was the first time Caroline had ever seen her act that way.

Awkward pleasantries continued until Gary called them out to the garden. He'd clearly spared no expense, and though Caroline wondered if it was really the best use of money, it wasn't hers, and the result was admittedly magical. Sunset was just coming on and everything glowed, accented by subtle landscaping lights and ambient jazz. Behind the formally-set dining tables on the lower patio were a staffed bar and buffet. It was all exceptionally – pleasant.

Celia and Alan frowned. Gillian and Robbie openly stared. Caroline stepped forward as the rest of the Buttershaw-Dawson clan paused. "It's all quite lovely Gary – I can't imagine the work."

"Why thank you Caroline." Felicity stepped forward and motioned to a woman who was approaching with a tray. "Champagne?"

'Yes. And keep them coming.' Caroline grabbed two glasses and handed one to a serene Eleanor, the only one of them who seemed completely at ease. Though Caroline did notice her eyes flick more than once to Felicity.

* * *

As darkness fell the evening rolled on, the champagne and ambiance fulfilled their duties and it was impossible not to give over to air of conviviality. Dinner passed uneventfully.

"Say, Caroline, can you help me out for just a moment?" Felicity set her champagne glass on the buffet next to Caroline who had been chatting with Gillian, and hooked her elbow into Caroline's. "Just a moment – in the kitchen." She began walking and Caroline stumbled after her, perplexed expressions on her face and on Gillian's.

"Ah – fine." She scowled at Gillian, who only waved and smiled.

Caroline had seen Felicity put back at least a full bottle's worth. Her posture was loose but her steps sure as she led Caroline up the garden stairs and into the kitchen just at the left of the entry.

"You look ravishing, tonight." Felicity walked to the back of the kitchen and turned to Caroline, who set her own champagne glass on the counter, waiting to discover the purpose of this surprise expedition. "That black cocktail dress – little evening jacket. Wicked heels, as usual. Flawless."

Caroline narrowed her eyes.

"We're a rare breed, Caroline, women like us. Confident. Competent. Married to the wrong men."

The hair on Caroline's neck stood on end and she looked about the kitchen. "Felicity is there a point to this rather odd interaction? And – I'm not longer married to John. And – that's not really any of your business in the first place, is it?"

"What am I supposed to do with you, my new sister in law? I mean, it's hard enough putting up with Gary - without you strutting around my home." Felicity waved her hand in Caroline's direction. "I was terribly curious when Gary mentioned that you're Gillian's sister in law. I had a close friend who put her son through Sulgrave Heath. Your reputation precedes you. Well, curiosity satisfied."

"OK I think this conversation is over." Caroline turned to leave and Felicity grabbed her arm.

"Don't. I need someone to talk to – about these, feelings, I'm having." Felicity released Caroline's arm but advanced, forcing Caroline backward and around the kitchen island.

"Felicity I really think you need to see someone – professional – about your problems. Take it from me, staying in a marriage if you're not sure if it's, em, the right fit? It's a recipe for disaster. And so is this conversation."

"Well it's just that I'm not sure, Caroline – if it's Gary that's the wrong fit. That's where you come in."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes. Who better? You're just the woman to help me get it all sorted out. You've been in my shoes."

"Well, um, be that as it may – or not – I don't think I'm the right person at all. In any way."

"You don't give yourself enough credit. I mean, you're more than easy on the eyes. And sooo – passionate. Underneath it all." Felicity smiled lecherously and slid her finger under the strap of Caroline's dress.

Caroline snatched her hand and threw it back at Felicity's side. "This is absolutely not appropriate. For so many reasons. And you're drunk, Felicity."

"Oh come on. It's not as if we're related, at all, really."

"That would be very far down the list of reasons why this is totally unacceptable."

"But isn't that part of the fun?" Felicity was practically chasing Caroline about the kitchen island. "Caroline stop playing hard to get. Kiss me now or I'll just go ahead and tell everyone you did anyway."

Caroline stopped in front of the subzero and set her heel, pulled her shoulders up and back, and leaned toward Felicity, reversing the momentum of the interaction. This had gone more than far enough.

"Now you listen to me Felicity. First," Caroline raised a finger in the air to demonstrate, "You will do no such thing. You will not touch me. Second," finger number two raised, "You will walk out of this kitchen right now, go upstairs, and sleep this off. And third," third finger to finish the point, "If, and only if, you do the first two things, will I consider not telling Gary that you are a completely out of control train wreck of a drunk. And I have a sneaking suspicion he'll believe me."

"Now there's that passion I was talking about." Felicity charged Caroline, backed her against the refrigerator – and kissed her.

* * *

"Looking for something? Someone?" Henry emerged from the great room to the right of the patio doors as Gillian wandered in, wondering if Caroline might not need a little help with Felicity.

"Just looking for Caroline."

"Oh I think I saw them go into the kitchen. Looked somewhat," Henry gestured across the hall with his beer bottle and tipped it back and forth in a teetering gesture. "But since you're here, do you have a second?"

"Sure?" Gillian turned slowly and curiously toward Henry who had returned to the great room. She walked down the half stair and joined him at the far end next to the piano. Henry sat his bottle at an end table and then himself down at the piano bench. He slid over for Gillian as he plinked out a few notes. "You play?"

"No. Not much use for it." She stood hesitantly near the bench, unsure of the direction of the conversation, but intrigued.

"Shame. Slide in."

Gillian knew it wasn't an invitation just to sit. But it wasn't exactly a proposition. She sat and Henry continued to pluck out part of a melody.

"How long have you and Robbie been married?"

"Just over a year now. Newlyweds, I suppose."

"Doesn't look that way to me."

"Robbie andn me have been together off and on for a couple decades now."

"That seems more the case."

"What business is it of yours?"

"I don't know Gillian. What business do you think I have?" Henry looked up from the piano and at Gillian.

"None."

"Is that so?" Henry placed both hands over the keys and began to play.

"What's that?"

"Oldie but a goodie. Handel. Water Music suite."

"Lovely."

"It is." Henry turned and looked at Gillian again.

* * *

Gary and Eleanor walked into the kitchen almost simultaneously, he from the patio entry and she from the dining room. Felicity had an unwilling Caroline pinned in an extremely compromised position against the freezer, shocked and temporarily frozen.

"Bloody hell." Gary stopped in his tracks.

"Caroline." Eleanor's hand flew over her open mouth. She whirled and flew back out the way she'd come.

Caroline was finally shocked into action and pushed Felicity away with both hands. The woman stumbled and barely caught herself on the kitchen island. Gary had come round the side but did not make an effort to steady her.

Caroline, eyes narrowed, pointed a trembling finger directly at Felicity, unable to articulate anything. She turned to follow Eleanor, and as she was leaving she whirled back. "If you have fucked something up and it cannot be fixed, you will not want to be around for the consequences." She looked up at Gary. "You and that waste of oxygen you call your wife really need to talk about some things."

She followed Eleanor through the dining room, where Celia and Alan stood, startled expressions on their faces. Caroline took in their look and shook her head as she followed the sound of Eleanor's heels. She came to the entry in time to see the back of her disappearing up the stairs to the second floor.

"Eleanor." Her tone was level but lined at the edges with desperation. She did not expect a response, but Caroline at least hoped to pause her on the landing. Eleanor continued and disappeared into the hallway off the mezzanine. Caroline flew up the stairs and made up ground.

Eleanor had made her way as far as possible and was paused in the entry to a large bedroom, facing Caroline, fists stuffed into her trouser pockets.

"Eleanor." Caroline stopped feet away and caught her breath, scared blue eyes locked with angry brown.

"It wasn't what I think it was? Let you explain? Don't jump to conclusions? It didn't mean anything?" Eleanor's tone was cold and disaffected. "Which are you going with Caroline? Or perhaps a combination? I've heard them all before. Every single one."

"Eleanor." Caroline took a small step forward and Eleanor held her ground, as though daring her to approach. Caroline stopped, unsure how to continue.

 _'Oh this is a real bloody mess.'_


	26. Chapter 26

As he watched Felicity gained her footing in the kitchen, Gary set down his beer bottle on the counter. "I mean, what the _hell_ , Felicity. She's my sister in law."

"Not what you think Gary. That woman is off her nut. She was all over me."

"That didn't seem the tone of the interaction, at least the end of it."

"Well obviously she was terribly embarrassed at being caught in the act."

"Is that Caroline, or you, dear?"

"Oh Gary you know me better than that."

He grabbed his beer and left the way he came, crossing the hall and stepping down into the great room - where he promptly interrupted Gillian and Henry, heads together at the piano.

"This whole party was clearly a bad idea." He turned right back around, and, meeting Felicity in the hall, pushed her back into the kitchen.

"Gary we really need to talk."

"We can talk in the kitchen."

* * *

Celia and Alan stood in the dining room watching the tennis match. They'd escaped for a sit down and a quiet moment together, and just concluded a totally enjoyable conversation with Eleanor about her girls. Not seconds later, they'd gotten a view of the kitchen doors swinging violently, Eleanor and Caroline flying through, and Gary's about-face in the hallway.

"Now what do you suppose this is all about?"

"Oh lord knows – but it's not bound to be good." Celia shook her head and took Alan's hand. "Come on, let's escape this side show and see what Robbie and Lacey are doing with themselves outside."

* * *

"Well we really seem to be the odd ducks out." Lacey and Robbie clinked glasses across the cleared dinner table.

"Must be something terribly exciting going on up there." Robbie looked up toward the house where Alan and Celia were just emerging, headed down the walk and toward the lower patio.

"Say Alan – what's the big deal at the house? We were just going up to investigate."

Celia piped right up. "Oh nothing at all, dear. I think there's some question about things in the kitchen."

"Well I can be handy."

"No need dear. I think it's all under control."

Alan sat down next to Robbie. "Now let's us all have a chat then. Lacey, we don't know the first thing about you." He nudged Celia, who smiled.

"Yes. Yes. I hear you cross-stitch?"

* * *

"I am going to start slowly. Because we are going to handle this just right, Eleanor."

"Are we?"

"We are." Caroline inclined her head toward the bedroom where Eleanor had holed up. "May I step in?"

Eleanor tilted her head.

Caroline came through and shut the door behind her.

She stood in front of Eleanor. Calm, waiting and assessing. Caroline did not want to make a tactical error. "Now you've not left me much to start with, so why don't you begin this conversation." She paused. "But before you do, let me just say that we are going to leave here more in love than we started out."

"I never expected this – from you, Caroline. I mean, you're a lot of things. But – but – whatever that was, I never expected it of you. After – everything you've gone through yourself. I never." Eleanor paused, head shaking. "I know we're new. And I don't know what I thought I was to you, you weren't terribly clear, or open, at all – but whatever it was, I thought it was more than that."

"I wasn't ready to have this conversation, with you." Caroline's tone was still strong and clear.

"I can't imagine." Chin high, Eleanor crossed her arms, an errant tear occasionally spilling down her cheek that she quickly wiped away.

Caroline raised a hand, but bowed her head before engaging Eleanor's eyes again, unashamed and confident. "I wasn't finished." Still quiet and calm. "I wasn't ready for any of this Eleanor. You. Us. I was terrified. I was conflicted. I was feeling guilty, and unready to let go of that guilt." Eleanor's arms remained crossed, but she was willing to look Caroline in the eye.

She took a couple steps further into the room, skirting Eleanor and leaving her be for the time. She crossed her own arms protectively, now perpendicular to Eleanor, who was gazing at a muted watercolor on the wall.

"Eleanor you have - something. You are - I don't know how else to say it - you are like a compulsion to me. When I'm near you I feel completely out of control. You don't have to seduce me, ever. It's already done." Caroline turned to look at Eleanor, whose skepticism flashed on every inch of her face, unabated.

"That's where it starts. But it ends with me thinking you are exactly the best thing that could have happened in my life this year. That you were more than exactly what I needed to get my shit together and decide that maybe I might be happy again." Caroline continued evenly, eyes on Eleanor, but tone softening and eyes now shining brightly. "Can I tell you the middle of the story?"

Eleanor remained silent, but it seemed her mood had shifted. Anger had yielded to sadness.

"In the middle – that's all the rest of you, and how I am when I'm with you. When we're with Flora. When I'm with you and the girls. When we're talking about nothing at all, or when you're railing at me about what I'm doing wrong at the school. And then there's all the time I've started spending wondering how things might be with us in the future. Trying not to absolutely panic and run screaming at the concept of being a part of an 'us' again.'"

Caroline took Eleanor's hand in both of hers and placed it in the center of her chest. "And when I feel like I can't breathe for the fear, I close my eyes and I can feel you. And I can hear you telling me to stop, and think about this – right here." She held Eleanor's hand over her heart and held her gaze.

Eleanor looked down and closed her eyes as more tears spilled out. "What happened, Caroline? What happened in the kitchen?" Eleanor looked back up, fear in her eyes. She kept her hand clutched tightly in Caroline's.

"Really, honestly, your guess is as good as mine. But I will tell you right now - and Eleanor there's only one way forward for us – you have got to believe me, all the way - when I say I had nothing to do with it. I wanted nothing to do with it." Caroline pleaded for trust. "Eleanor I want there to be an us. I want there to still be the possibility of an us."

Eyes closed, Eleanor nodded vehemently, silently.

Caroline continued. "I know you said you thought you were falling in love with me, once." Caroline took Eleanor's chin and waited for her to open her eyes, because this was an eyes-open kind of confession. "You said you were falling in love with me. And I hope that's still true, I really do. Because Eleanor I am so in love with you. You know I am."

* * *

"It's past time to leave this bloody house." Gillian shrugged into her jacket as Robbie held it for her.

"Barely seen you all night – everything alright?" He frowned down at her, gave her shoulders a rub.

"Oh just fine. But I'm ready to be home." She'd only touched Henry's hand. That's all. It was more than she'd wanted to do, but she'd done it anyway, and she needed to get some bloody air.

"Sounds good to me. I don't know how much longer I could have pretended to be interested in Lacey's stories about cross stitch. Great hobby and all but not really my cuppa tea."

Gillian smiled and reached up to place a kiss on Robbie's cheek. "You're an angel." He was. And she remembered that. She had – and remembered herself. In time.

He smiled. "Thanks. Now where's the rest of the crew? Aren't we supposed to scoop up Alan and Celia and take them with us?"

"Think so, yeah. I think they're still outside talking to Gary."

"Wait here – be right back." Robbie shuffled off, waving at Celia and Alan, who turned and made their way inside, Gary and Felicity in tow. Henry and Lacey had already said their goodnights, Celia making excuses for an absent Caroline and Eleanor. Felicity was unusually subdued but a touch nasty about it.

"Lovely party Gary, really – thanks." Gillian hugged him, tried not to feel awkward at having been attracted to him. She and Robbie walked out to the Land Rover as Celia and Alan said goodnights.

Robbie shrugged his shoulders. "Kind of a snooze fest, eh?"

"Kind of."

* * *

"Well darling it's –" Caroline favored Eleanor with a sympathetic look. The make-up had held through the tears, but not well.

"Lord, Caroline - look at me. I'm an absolute mess."

"Come on – I think the guest bath is just down the hall."

Eleanor snuffled and smiled, nodded, and followed Caroline.

"We'll just splash some water on your face, you'll be right as rain."

Eleanor gave her a very skeptical look after taking a second with her reflection in the mirror. She leaned against the sink and allowed Caroline to run a cold washcloth over her eyes and cheeks.

"It's not perfect, you certainly aren't your usually stunning self. But you're still the most beautiful woman in this house."

Eleanor smirked as Caroline ran the washcloth under the water again and continued her ministrations.

"I think this is the best we're going to do."

"Thank you." Eleanor looked down. "I was terrified. I really was. More than anything. I thought I was going to have to leave you. And I didn't want to. I didn't know if I – would – leave you. And I was terrified at that too."

Caroline put down the wash cloth and leaned against Eleanor, foreheads together. "I know. Now don't say anything more, because you're going to start crying, and then I will again too, and we'll be right back at square one."

Eleanor laughed and smiled, took Caroline's hands and gave them a quick squeeze. "You're right." She shook her head again, brisk this time, and shook her arms as well.

Caroline had turned to go, and Eleanor grabbed her arm.

"What's clear here, then, is that Felicity kissed you – and you didn't want her to?"

"That's about the size of it."

"I'm sorry. That's not right - it's appalling. I don't care if she was drunk. Are you alright?"

"I - am. I am. It's not like I haven't dealt with it from men my entire life. But it's a peculiar feeling, isn't it? Every time. Like you're not worth what you thought you were."

"I know. The place I was at, before Anadyne." Eleanor sneered and looked at the carpet. "The CEO let the old boys run wild. There's more than one reason to wear a well-shaped high-heel."

Caroline laughed. They both laughed, and were quiet for a moment.

Eleanor glanced down at her well-shaped heels. "Anyway. I guess being a total shit isn't reserved for men. I think it's best if I don't cross paths with that woman on our way out."

"No worries on that front. I'm planning to fight my own battle."

The house was quiet and Gary stepped out of the kitchen as they came down the stairs and into the foyer.

"Time to head home ladies?" Caroline watched his eyes flit nervously between Eleanor's swollen cheeks and Caroline's sternest countenance.

"Gary I hope you and Felicity have had a discussion this evening." Caroline seethed, but reserved her outrage for her next encounter with Felicity. Which she fervently hoped would not be tonight. Because one of them wouldn't leave whole.

"We exchanged a few choice words. She had some things to say about you."

"I'm sure she did. And I'm sure I couldn't give a fuck." Caroline's look and tone were level. "I'm sorry Gary, but what she's done is unforgivable. And I think you know who's on what side of what here. And for that I am truly sorry."

Gary looked over toward the kitchen, at Caroline, and then down at the floor. "I know. I know. I am sorry about all of this."

"I am too. But not your fault. So, I'll just say thank you for hosting, and wish you a good rest of your night. And if you do need to talk, well, I suppose you're family. And we've all lent an ear once in a while for people who's spouses make abominable choices."

"That's gracious of you. Thank you Caroline. Good night."

"Goodnight Gary." Caroline turned and stalked out, Eleanor at her side.

Caroline turned over the engine, and clicked in. She turned her head to Eleanor, who'd already been looking her way.

"I'm sorry about - my family."

"Don't be, Caroline. They're your family. They're not you. And you haven't even met my lot, yet."


	27. Chapter 27

"Caroline I know you're leaving this weekend. But please? Pretty please?" Jane Hayden had been begging Caroline to join her for dinner for two days, harassing her over text, and finally calling on the hour until Caroline gave in. Apparently she had her eye on a girl, and somehow Caroline's presence was supposed to improve Jane's odds.

"Oh Jane you are hilarious. Fine. I need to eat. Of course."

"Oh good. I need a wingman."

"A wingman?" Caroline wiped a dollop of smashed peas from Flora's adorably pouting lips, and handed her to Greg. She pointed at the mobile and made a face, and he laughed.

"Yes – I need a wingman someone with me to make me seem cooler and more unattainable."

"Why in the world would you want to seem more unattainable?"

"It's how it works, Caroline."

"Ah. I see. Fine. I will be this unattainable wingman."

"That's not exactly how it works. But great!"

"OK and when is your wingman required to be on duty?"

"She chefs Wednesday – Saturday."

"Well it's going to have to be Thursday. Because I leave on Saturday morning."

"Great! Perfect! I'll pick you up – because you can't back out."

"I wouldn't dare."

"Caroline seriously you are going to die. She's absolutely gorgeous. And the food."

"And did I get this kind of adoration when you were chatting with your other 'wingmen?'"

"Absolutely."

"Mmmmm hmmmm."

"Thursday night. 7.30. Dress kind of more casually – than you do. Sometimes. But still hip."

"Mmmmm hmmmm. Any other requests, Jane?"

"Be hungry. We need to really tuck in. Her food is amazing, so don't be doing something ridiculous like dieting. Which you don't need to be doing, in any case."

"You are too much, Jane."

"I know."

"And by the way – this friend thing – glad we stuck with it."

"Me too. Ok – see you then!"

"Bye bye." She clicked off and threw herself on to the couch next to Flora, next to Greg explaining to her why Top Gear was the best show ever to grace the telly. She pointed to a bright red '57 Bel Aire trolling across the screen and giggled.

* * *

"OK say it again, one more time, slowly. I'm not dense. You just need to slow down – with all of it." Caroline laughed at Jane, practically vibrating in the seat next to her, on their way to dinner at 'Phoenician' – home of Jane's seemingly deadliest crush.

"Alikhanian. Eva – Eva Alikhanian. She's Lebanese."

"Okay, okay, I think I've got it. But we'll start with Eva. And how did you run across her?"

"At the restaurant! I popped in for dinner on a Friday night and there she was. And then there was her food. Caroline I fell instantly, madly in love."

"I think I'm seeing what you were talking about with that lovesick madness you were looking for." Caroline smiled and couldn't help but laugh at Jane's enthusiasm. She'd even really laid on the fashion, for Jane, which included black slacks and a off the neck black sweater. Still just hair down and casual, her constant m. o.

"Caroline, I didn't even ask, because it's not important, but I hope you like Lebanese. Because if you do, you are going to positively die."

"Well I do, Jane, as a matter of fact. And are you in love with this woman - or her food?"

"Both!"

"I see. OK."

"Right this way, ladies. Chef is expecting you."

A young woman greeted Jane and Caroline at the door and ushered them to a table near the kitchen. Wine was waiting for them at the table.

"Dinner's all set – please enjoy. We've arranged everything." She smiled and gave the slightest of bows as Jane and Caroline sat.

"Well I think perhaps you made an impression, Jane." Caroline was suitably impressed - and excited for an evening of fine food and company.

"I'm taking this as a good sign." Jane squirmed with anticipation in her seat as she poured glasses of wine for the pair. "Caroline seriously you are going to love the food."

"I'm sure." They clinked glasses of the dry white. "I'm liking it already."

"Caroline you've been evasive about Gary's highly anticipated dinner party. I expected a ton of quotable moments. Spill."

Caroline took another sip of wine. "Jane you won't even believe it."

"Sounds even better. Try me."

"Well I've told you about Felicity."

"Ahhhhh - yes." Jane's eyes sparkled in anticipation.

"Well she showed up in fine form. She cornered - and subsequently made a pass - at me in the kitchen. She kissed me."

"No."

"Yes."

"And then what happened?'

"Eleanor walked in."

"No!" Eyes wide, Jane covered her mouth in shock. "Do I need to file assault charges?"

"Yes – and if you add a good dose more of 'pissed-off,' yours is about Eleanor's reaction."

"I'll say…"

Their server appeared and they quickly grew silent.

"We have our first course – an amuse bouche to get your palette warmed up."

He placed two small plates at their settings. "Bird's nest of feathered Armenian string cheese, toasted atop a muhamara mousse and zaatar toast bread at the base. Enjoy!"

"Jane – " Caroline gave a delighted appraisal. "I caught a little of what we have here. This looks amazing. Walk me through it."

"The Armenian string cheese –salty cheese with caraway seeds. The muhamara is like a hummus but made with roasted onions and peppers, pureed with walnuts and olive oil. The zaatar is a seasoning on the pita."

"Sounds marvelous." They sampled simultaneously and Caroline gave a scowl of complete approval. "I see how you fell in love."

"This is just our starter." Jane gave a wink. "Wait until you meet Eva." They began in earnest.

"So, I'm sorry, ummmm, Felicity – Eleanor – comedy of errors?" Jane paused, at a loss for words.

"Yes, Eleanor and I ended up having quite a talk that night." Caroline's expression was almost as stern as it had been on the evening in question, as her extreme distaste for Felicity resurfaced.

"Yeah, I'll bet. Is it all squared?"

"Well I think so. We've texted and chatted just for a moment since, but I haven't seen her, and I won't until I return from seeing Ginika in New York with Flora."

Jane started to respond - and Eva and their server appeared from the kitchen.

"Jane! I saw your name on the reservation book and I was so excited! I have put a special menu together." Eva smiled with full lips and giant midnight brown eyes matching the color of her hair – styled in a ridiculously cute and closely cropped pixie, framing her face and accenting those ridiculous doe eyes – possibly the most beautiful Caroline had ever seen. They were like giant pools of dark chocolate that made you want to dive in and completely submerse yourself. She spoke with the faintest of an Armenian accent layered under her English, which only amplified her ample charm. Her chef's apron was a perfect white background covered in a rainbow of stains.

Jane was uncharacteristically silent, but smiled shyly and nodded. Caroline offered her hand and a smile to Eva. "Wonderful to meet you. I'm already in love with the food."

"Thank you!" Eva sat down next to Jane as their next course was set. "Now this, this I am very excited for both of you to try. I make it myself fresh, the meat is delivered in the morning. I make it for special guests." She looked over to Jane, mute, who again gave a dazed but adorable smile.

"This is my kibbeh nayeh. The freshest of ground raw lamb sirloin. I puree mine with olive oil, garlic and parsley and a little this and that. Then we top with minced onion and more parsley. If you are a veteran – or a brave one - I encourage you to thinly spread this garlic puree – " she pointed at a paste at the side of the plate – "on the fresh pita with the kibbeh."

Caroline pulled open a steaming pita – which was more like a pillow pocket of flatbread than anything else. It did not even resemble the lifeless flat approximation of pita from the market. Eva took in her surprise. "We brought the oven from Lebanon with us. Every brick. It is the only way to make the pita the way it is supposed to be." Eva's hand gestures were almost as expressive as her face and tone.

"It may be the only way I eat it again." Caroline noticed Jane in the corner, dutifully spreading the paste across the bread. "Jane – am I right?"

"Oh absolutely. This is like, just the best." She nodded with her mouth stuffed, but had yet to really make eye contact with Eva, who was eying her with a doting grin, big brown eyes alight.

"This one – she is quiet but you can tell. What is not left on the plate never lies." Eva inclined her head and pinched Jane's shoulder, who blushed.

Eva stood and paused at the end of the table. "Eat. I will be back out with desert and we will have coffee and talk more."

Caroline and Jane both smiled, mouths full.

Caroline swallowed hastily and waved her hand, nodding her head. "Okay - I see what you're saying. That woman is entirely edible."

"I know!"

"But what's with the silent treatment? It's as though you forgot how to talk."

"What do you mean?"

"Jane you were silent. Absolutely silent. And – in fact, you were shy."

"You saw her Caroline. I mean, what do you say to a woman like that?"

"You tell her she's fantastic and ask her to marry you immediately."

"Easy for you to say."

"Believe me – it's not." Caroline hadn't really told Jane her history with Kate, but the pale of her face probably spoke volumes.

"Fair enough." Jane waved her fork as she polished off her kibbe nayeh. "ANYWAY, Caroline, speaking of - so you've dropped the L bomb with Eleanor?"

"I did."

"And it's now like part of the daily routine? Or are you being completely thick headed about it and pretending it never happened?"

Caroline remained silent and made a process of finishing her own dish, eyes on her plate.

"Caroline you are the worst girlfriend on the face of the planet."

"Now that's simply not true."

"It might be an exaggeration. But if you leave for New York and don't tell her you love her one more time – you really are the worst." Jane was quite serious - before grinning. "Or you're looking for the best make-up sex of your life."

Caroline looked up, shocked - and intrigued.

* * *

The main course arrived. Braised lamb shank and roasted veg with a lattice of labneh.

"Uh, Jane we are going to need to have a serious talk about Eva."

"It will be a good talk, I hope?" Eva appeared and placed her hand on Caroline's shoulder.

"The best talk, in fact. Eva I may never eat anywhere else ever again." Caroline looked up in extreme admiration.

"Oh that works for me. Just bring with you the beautiful woman who is lucky enough to be eating with you every night."

Caroline narrowed her eyes, smiled, and toasted Eva with her wine glass. "Agreed."

"Because it is clearly not our sweet Jane here, and I do not understand why. But it is definitely to my benefit."

Eva took her leave, and Caroline practically threw herself over the table to get Jane's attention.

"Jane. Are you listening to me? You need to find your words and speak to her. Because I swear to god if you don't, I might. And after a bite of this lamb shank Eleanor would completely understand."

"I know. I know. But she's soooooo..."

"Well now typically I'd be the last person to make any kind of advance. But she's practically holding the door open for you."

"You're so right. I just need to think of the right thing to say."

"You're one of the most honestly charming women I know. Relax and I'm sure cupid's own words will come to you."

Jane blushed again and they set in to the final course in earnest.

They finished their lamb, fork tender and running with aus jus, and the last of the bottle of red that had appeared with it. At the end of the meal they sat back, each as content as is possible on a Thursday night.

"I can't decide what I liked more."

"I can't decide if I'm ever going to eat again."

Eva appeared one last time with two beautiful and ornate silver cordial dishes.

"A digestive to finish. A spoonful of house made olive oil gelato. Armenian coffee - of course - to complement."

Jane smiled and placed her hand over her non-existent stomach. "Ohmygosh Eva."

"Oh you don't speak Jane. You are a tiny wisp of a girl. Eat."

Jane smiled as Eva placed a silver dish at her place and their waiter followed with petite cups of espresso. Jane started her gelato and Eva grabbed a spoon from the table behind and stole a bite from Jane's dish. She closed her eyes and made a face. "So good. So good. My mother, she taught me this almost first. She says to me, 'Eva the last thing you eat is the first thing you remember about a meal.'"

Jane looked at Caroline - who widened her eyes and subtly pointed her fork. _'go on'_

"Eva, the olive oil gelato – hard to forget. But it's not what I'll remember most about this meal." Jane finally made eye contact.

"Now there she is our Jane. I knew there was fire there." Eva tossed her hands in the air before she took another bite from Jane's dish. "Good for you. You come back again. I'm going to make you a whole new menu. You need some curves on you."

Jane blushed. "How about tomorrow night?"

"Good. Tomorrow night. This table. You eat early and after we will have coffee. And Pernod."

Caroline looked from woman to woman, both of whom had completely forgotten her presence.


	28. Chapter 28

_'Have you just sent me the text I think you've just sent me?'_

 _'Yes.'_

 _'I am here with my young daughter and her grandmother, you are aware of that fact?'_

 _'Yes.'_

 _'Not that your new Kate Spades aren't phenomenal – because I'm salivating with jealousy – and you do make them look even better with those lovely ankles. But someone's going to think I have a fetish.'_

 _'Beautiful shoes deserve to be admired. Particularly when they have pink polka dots.'_

 _'Well I can't wait to admire them in person. On you and on the floor beside the bed.'_

 _'Now who's sending inappropriate texts?'_

 _'You bring out the worst in me.'_

 _'No. I bring out the best.'_

 _'Fine. Ta.'_

 _'xxx'_

They'd been in New York for a little over a week now and Caroline was surprised at how she'd begun to miss Eleanor. They'd exchanged a couple texts but had not spoken; only a couple times since that debacle of a dinner party. She wanted to see Eleanor and tell Eleanor things – and hear her warm smile and humor on the other end of the line;

The way Eleanor took in pieces of Caroline that were heavy and made them seem manageable; made them seem assets rather than burdens. Made her feel on top of her life and desirable and powerful. This woman who was so capable and sexy and savvy – telling Caroline that, in fact, she was also all those things. When a woman like Eleanor said Caroline was amazing and sexy and savvy too, Caroline believed her.

She wanted to tell Eleanor she loved her again. It felt new and foreign and terrifying, and took her from an articulate professional to a fool searching for the right words. But it felt thrilling. The perceived high stakes of the moment at Gary's had propelled her into action; made the otherwise weighted confession nonchalant. But the desire was beginning to become compulsive. She imagined saying the words again and seeing what happened to Eleanor when she did.

She wanted to share with Eleanor – and June and Lily - Flora's first time seeing fireworks over the Hudson on fourth of July. How excited Flora had been with the show lighting her eyes, clapping as each shell burst.

She wanted to tell her about time spent in Ginika's expansive garden, pulling weeds with Flora and letting her sample strawberries off the vine. Pointing out deer on the other side of the fence and Flora's eyes wide with silent wonder. Laughing with Ginika and really enjoying her company. Delicious meals fresh each evening, corn and tomatoes and potatoes and cucumbers all fresh from the plant. She wanted to tell her how it felt to be here, with Ginika caring for her and caring for Flora as though doing so made her joyful.

She wanted to tell her about walks with Flora down to the river and messes as she plowed right down to the bank to splash her palms in the cool mud. Laughing as they both ended up drenched and giggling.

She struggled with how Eleanor didn't fit with being here – how moving forward was a square peg in this round past. But she couldn't help but think about how joyful she was here, and how she wanted to share that joy with Eleanor. How Kate's love, and now the gift of Flora and Ginika in her life, had contributed to who she could be in the future. How it felt safe and made her feel brave.

But then sending 'I do love you' in a text seemed cheap and wrong. Waiting to tell her in person seemed unnecessarily formal and wrong. But she'd recognized the slow burn in Jane's eyes when she'd looked at Eva, the lust mixed with respect and awe and need. 'That must be how I am when I look at Eleanor. Perhaps it doesn't have to be forever, or, more to the point, that I don't have to think about it like forever. Perhaps it can be for right now, and that can be its own road. And perhaps I don't have to know where that road will end. I can just follow what makes me happy. Very happy.'

Caroline smiled and set her phone on the dresser, pulling a t-shirt on over jeans – and donning, of all things, flip flops. Greg had somehow convinced her of their merit – and after all it was the states. They seemed to be far more casual about footwear. She had to admit they had their benefits, flip flops. Upstate New York was not as cool as Harrogate in July. The humidity alone was destroying her hair – she'd abandoned hope and was almost constantly in a ponytail. Maybe she was quite glad Eleanor wasn't here to see her so disheveled.

Still mastering her footwear she slapped her way down the hardwood stairs and into Ginika's kitchen, where Flora was busy giggling and pounding her palms on the countertop.

"Pancakes hot and fresh."

"Ginika seriously I feel like I'm at a spa. You do not have to spoil us like this."

"Of course I do. You and Flora will soak up all the spoiling I can dish out while you're in town."

"I won't complain."

"That's right you won't. Now sit." She gestured with the spatula to the stool adjacent to Flora at the kitchen island.

"Besides, I miss cooking for a full house. It's usually just me rattling around in here. And the occasional gentleman caller."

Caroline adopted a look of faux outrage.

"We all need some sugar, honey." Ginika gave a smile and a wink and set a plate down in front of Flora, who reached right in and grabbed the entire pancake in both chubby paws.

Caroline just looked over and smiled. Amazing how Flora completely dismissed any sense of propriety in Caroline. Who didn't want to eat a pancake like that at one time or another, after all?

"I'll assume _you_ want silverware."

Both women looked up from Flora's pancake revelry and Caroline nodded at Ginika. "Please and thank you."

"There you go." Ginika fixed Caroline with a plate and flatware and poured her a cup of coffee.

"The coffee is really growing on me. I think I might go native."

"Best part of waking up."

Caroline clinked mugs with Ginika over the counter, who stood with her own plate.

"Now no more stalling. Give me the down low on your girl."

Caroline swallowed with difficulty and dabbed her mouth with a napkin.

"Come on. You've been here a week. There's only one reason a woman looks down at her phone and smiles."

"Well -"

"Caroline I might have been born at night - but it wasn't last night. Love is love is love, and it's all good. And I think I should know a little bit about any woman who's going to be a part of Flora's life. I assume that's the case, that this woman is significant enough to meet Flora, because you don't strike me as a player."

Caroline narrowed her eyes. "Yes I think I understand what you're saying. But forgive me Ginika, it's a touch awkward."

"What it is - Caroline - is hard. And it's always going to be hard. But I like you, and I'm going to keep liking you and this amazing little girl for a very long time. So let's do hard things together and see if it makes it easier."

"I see how Kate was so wise." Caroline paused and sighed. It was hard talking about Eleanor here, and thinking about Eleanor here, because Kate was everywhere. It had been a painful balm last summer, but it had helped her heal in so many ways; to be surrounded by Kate's memories and family and traces of her everywhere. It made her feel less gone; which made everything worse and better at the same time. But at least it felt like she'd had some way to say goodbye.

Now it simply made her content. Sharing memories with Ginika and seeing evidence of Kate and her life everywhere kept her alive in a different way – a way that made Caroline smile instead of cry. It made her want to linger. Eleanor didn't feel exactly right in the context. But she also seemed just right in the context.

"You still with me, honey?"

Caroline smiled and Ginika came back into focus. "Yes. Yes I am. Sorry. Wool gathering."

"My favorite past time. Now let's hear it."

"Yes, in a moment. But Ginika, you're OK? You're still doing OK?"

"It's hard everyday Caroline. You know that."

Caroline nodded. "Yes."

"But it's getting better, isn't it?"

Caroline nodded again.

"I have lots of family here, they take care of me. And lots of friends who do the same thing. It takes a long time to learn this, but friends are probably the best part of life." Both women smiled in introspect.

"Now – we're done with me. We've been talking about me all week - because that way you don't have to talk about you. So get on with it."

Caroline smiled reflexively. "Her name is Eleanor. We met via Sulgrave Heath – she's been on the board of governors for several years. Two girls, June and Lily. She's a VP, the COO at a pharmaceutical company. Has been for about five years."

"I like the sound of her already. Raising girls isn't for the faint of heart. Raising smart girls will turn you gray." Ginika inclined her head.

"I can imagine."

"So far you haven't told me anything I can't get off of google."

"Well. She's irreverent. She's posh. She's brilliant. She doesn't take any of my shit." Grin.

"Right on. And?"

Caroline was warming up to it now. "She's got a sense of authority – confidence - about her. It makes you want to trust her with important things. She's braver than I am – she's willing to say things. She can talk about her feelings. She wants me. But she doesn't want anything from me. Does that make sense?"

"It sure does." Ginika, as wise as Caroline suspected, resumed her silence and waited for Caroline to continue.

Caroline had started to forget about Ginika just a little bit as she continued on and turned inward, answering some of her own questions as much as answering Ginika's.

"She's terribly forward, but I think it's just how she goes about getting what she wants. And she's not afraid to get what she wants." Caroline smiled wickedly on the inside.

"But I'm afraid I was rather rough on her, in the beginning." Caroline blushed.

Ginika put on a sympathetic face and remained silent.

"You see there was another woman that I was sort of thinking about – and I told Eleanor that I wasn't sure if perhaps I wouldn't rather be seeing this other woman."

Ginika shook her head and clucked, still silent.

"She was really very understanding about it all. I think she knew I was a little mixed up. I think she understood why; and it must have bothered her, how I couldn't commit. But she was just so self-assured about everything. I suppose in some ways we're rather similar."

"And why Eleanor and not - ?"

"Jane?"

"Yes."

Caroline's blush deepened and a grin snuck in. "Chemistry. Well, fireworks really."

"It's the one thing you can't fake and you can't replace." Ginika finished her coffee and offered Caroline a refill, which she accepted. "And now what a girl really cares about – size her up for me."

Caroline's eyes narrowed again. "Ah. Well. She's my age. Both of us at Oxford, but no overlap as far as we can remember. My height. Very properly English in some ways. A little bit slighter of build but still – " Caroline paused.

"Don't stop at the good parts."

"Well she's rather attractive – I think she works at it. She's all curves and no angles. And we CAN share shoes."

"Hallelujah."

"Em she's fond of trousers – mostly wears trousers – pressed down the middle. Low rise, flat front. Terribly sexy. Usually cuffed, heels so it works. And button-down shirts. Tucked with a belt. Lots of cashmere when it's cool. Soft in ways you don't expect."

Caroline paused as a fashion show of Eleanor flashed before her. The garters she would not be sharing with Ginika. Her train of thought became perilously close to derailing. "Actually she's a bit into labels. But she's not pretentious. I get the sense she's rather used to money but it's not that important to her." She was really on a roll now, talking more to herself than anyone else. "She's just full of sass all the time. Smart mouth. I can't always keep up with her and she doesn't really wait for me, and I think I like that."

"Gorgeous and lush auburn brown hair. Wavy, it curls naturally if she doesn't brush it out. Long – almost to her elbows. Wears it down but with clips or barrettes at the sides or in the back to keep it out of her face. Occasionally braided, but soft. Up for formals but with long strands hanging down past her shoulders, you know, old fashioned. Brown eyes. Not big, not small. Intense but warm. Glasses for reading."

Caroline snapped to and saw Ginika smiling at her. "Oh Ginika I'm sorry. I was carrying on. And on. And on."

"It's what you like to see when someone's in love."

"I think I am. I knew I was – I mean, I've told her. And I meant it because it's an easy feeling to recognize. When you don't want to think about a time when someone won't be in your life. When that possibility makes you desperate. But sometimes it can take a while to really accept it in your heart, you know? To let it in and - to let it make you vulnerable." Caroline gave a frighteningly honest smile. "I hate being vulnerable."

"Our brain will tell our hearts a lot of things that our hearts are afraid to accept, and the other way around, too. And the more fearsome they are the longer the heart takes to get to the honest part of things."

Caroline reached over and took Ginika's hand. "I'm glad you're in my life, Ginika."


	29. Chapter 29

Celia and Alan fetched Caroline home from Leeds late in the afternoon. She returned ecstatic to see William back from Oxford for the summer, even to see Greg and particularly his abject joy at Flora's return. 'She's gotten so big, hasn't she?'

They settled in for a comfortable dinner, Lawrence even managing to hold his tongue and a respectful tone. He and Angus simply loved hanging about with Greg, and she knew her was unwilling to jeopardize her favor.

They settled into the living room with the first decent tea Caroline had had in days and shared stories of summer adventures. Underneath it all Caroline couldn't help but wonder what Eleanor was doing at each minute, wondering if she should have asked her over.

William was the first to ask after Caroline's feelings. "Was it hard mum, to go back? To stay with Ginika?' He'd been uncharacteristically quiet that evening, and Caroline was glad to hear from him.

"It was. But it was also rather comforting. Thank you for asking, William."

Celia leaned back next to Alan and studied her cup. "I can't imagine. Losing a daughter. I know we have our challenges, Caroline, you and I. But I couldn't stand to lose you. I couldn't stand it." Celia gave a trademark tight smile, approving - but never unrestrained.

"I know mum. I'm lucky to have you here – right here. Close. Really." Caroline leveled a serious gaze at Celia.

A comfortably awkward silence descended and Caroline took the moment to yawn and exit. "It's been a terribly long day. I hope you don't mind if I head up to bed."

Greg smiled and joined her, Flora a sleeping dead weight on his chest. He had jealously hoarded her all evening. "We'll be off too then. Don't worry about the morning or tomorrow Caroline, I've got her."

He smiled down and Caroline came over to plant a goodnight kiss on her head. "We really forged some new ground together, this little one and I."

"Well I'm at a real deficit for toddler snuggles. You're going to have to let me make it up." Greg smiled and walked off down the hall with Flora.

"Good night boys. Mum – Alan." Caroline smiled and passed out hugs all around.

"Night then love." Celia smiled after Caroline who set her cup in the sink and made her way upstairs.

* * *

She plucked her vibrating phone from the dresser as she pulled on her nightshirt.

 _'Glad you're home safely. Text me when you can. Dying to – em – see you. - E'_

Caroline smirked. The truth was that she was burning to talk to Eleanor, curious, tentative, and terrified to sort out whatever was in her head. And to – 'see' her…

 _'Heading to bed. Wish you were here. When can I see you?'_

In fact Caroline ached for Eleanor to be there. But it still felt as though having separate space was the right move, that instantly conflating their lives, tempting as it was, might be something she regretted. And that perhaps, just perhaps, she rather enjoyed the extra raw power and emotion that forcing herself away from Eleanor created.

She padded over to the bed and slipped between the sheets. _'There's just nothing like your own bed, is there?'_ Caroline luxuriated in familiarity as she waited, phone in hand, for Eleanor to reply. She was actually nervous that perhaps Eleanor was vexed. Perhaps she'd changed her mind about her depth of feeling – perhaps she'd sensed the way Caroline had backed off again and was ready to mirror her uncertainty. Uncertainty made Caroline anxious.

 _'You've flustered me and I can't pretend I'm too busy to be bothered and made other plans. Please be here in the morning. Don't make me wait for you, Caroline. ;-)'_

Caroline smiled at herself and exhaled as she kept learning to trust Eleanor. _'There's nothing I love more than saying yes to you. See you then. Xo"_

 _'xxx'_

She replaced her phone at the side table and smiled, wondering how in the world she'd be able to get any sleep that night.

* * *

Caroline stepped up to Eleanor's door and her finger hovered over the bell. Her stomach somersaulted in equal parts anticipation and anxiety. She rang and waited, lips and heels pressed together.

Eleanor answered – positively stunning in bare feet, faded jeans turned at the cuff, barely loose white t-shirt and messy ponytail spilling hair over her shoulders. "I thought I'd dress appropriately to welcome you home from America."

"Um. Yes. Well – well done, then. Yep."

Eleanor stepped to the side and motioned Caroline through. Dressed in jeans and t-shirt herself, they were a casually comfortable mirror image.

"I've made scones - rosemary – which I mean to teach you how to do properly someday, since you've bragged that you're quite adept at baking. Though I've yet to see supporting evidence."

"Of course I'm good at it. It's all just chemistry." Caroline rejoined but was still having trouble with eye contact.

"Ah. Right. Reactions, following rules and all. Things you're quite fond of."

Eleanor closed the door and turned back with a smile. "Well don't be shy about it. You know where the kitchen is. Let's get you a good cup of tea and a real scone and start setting you to rights." She stepped forward, and resting her hand on Caroline's arm gave her a lingering kiss on the cheek.

The hair on the back of Caroline's neck stood on end as Eleanor touched her, and her heart beat double at her kiss. Images of previous visits whipped through her confused thoughts. Her mind was slow and her feet were rooted to the floor.

"Hello – then – Caroline?" Eleanor took her by the shoulders, so close Caroline could see each strand of auburn at her hairline. She had two or three flecks of grey sprinkled in.

Abruptly Caroline snaked her arm around Eleanor's waist and pulled her in for a kiss. She took her face in her other hand and locked her close.

"I've missed you Eleanor. I've missed you terribly."

Eleanor exhaled softly and closed her eyes as Caroline murmured in her ear. "I rather think you have."

"You're a smart ass." Caroline kept her mouth as close to Eleanor's skin as she could as her hands began to move down her sides.

"You love it." Eleanor moved her own hands up and under her t-shirt to Caroline's shoulder blades.

"Actually, I love you." Caroline's voice was tentative but she smiled.

Eleanor gasped quietly at the confession, a reflexive sound, involuntary, so much like so many times she'd done every time Caroline surprised her with bare honesty. Once again Caroline felt her entire body flood with adrenaline, lust, fear, love, need, desire, anger, sadness, joy, all coursed through her system and her mind cleared of conscious thought.

She pivoted Eleanor sideways and back to the wall. They made the most of missing each other, and Caroline was halfway home when Eleanor slid her hands around her waist and up the length of the bare skin of her back, pulling on her shoulders as their chests expanded and contracted in time together, breath coming in great gulps.

Eleanor flattened against the wall barely away from Caroline's body. "I'm not ready."

"You're not ready?" Caroline was too out of breath to do anything but smile. At some point Eleanor's shirt had ended up on the floor. Caroline rested her forehead on Eleanor's bare shoulder and exhaled.

"Mmm mmmm. I mean, I know you are. But I'm not." Eleanor smirked and ducked under Caroline's arms, heading straight for the stairs without a look back.

Caroline shot up after her.


	30. Chapter 30

"Ahem." Standing by the dresser, and intending only to locate a hair tie, Caroline caught site of an envelope addressed very curiously, and adopted her most formal tone and posture. "Is there a Lady Eleanor Ann Strathclyde here? Calling for Lady Eleanor Ann Strathclyde?"

Barely wrapped in a towel, Eleanor shot from the en-suite and ran over to the bureau to snatch the offending letter out of Caroline's hand. "That is – that is - a joke."

"A funny joke?"

"No."

Caroline waited.

"It is a very not funny, tired, and unwelcome joke. It is how Emma, my ex-wife, chooses to address me." Eleanor's damp and wavy auburn hair was dripping wet and creating small puddles of water on the carpet.

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"And why is that? Your general princess-like demeanor?"

"This from the duchess herself?

"Yep"

"It's because she knows I hate it - it's salt in a wound." Eleanor ran her fingers through her wet hair, and studied an end. "I have met your Mum, Caroline."

"Yes?"

"You have not met mine. Or the rest of my family."

"Nope."

"There is a reason for that."

"Okay?" Caroline tilted her head in amusement and curiosity.

"We're going to do this sooner or later." Eleanor gave an exasperated sigh.

"Yep."

Eleanor set down the letter, straightened her posture and adjusted her towel.

"Well I am simply loathe for you to meet her. 'Eleanor _Margaret_ Strathclyde,' as she prefers to be addressed, is more than I can handle, and more than any woman I've dated can handle. Caroline seriously, Celia is a regular Pollyanna compared to mother. I am not exaggerating for effect, nor for any other reason."

"Eleanor – Margaret - Strathclyde?"

"Yes. My mum. My mother. Eleanor Margaret Strathclyde, daughter of Eleanor Victoria Strathclyde – of, em, Cayton Bay, if you please. Where they have the, em, family manor. Estate. Whatever you'd like to call it."

"I – how did – excuse me, Eleanor? Who are you?"

"Just Eleanor. COO at Anadyne, happy mother of two, snugged quietly in Harrogate, and current girlfriend of one very sexy, smart, crazy, frustratingly impossible Caroline Dawson. I work very hard to keep that as the one and only narrative."

"Current girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm." Caroline genuinely needed a minute to process. "Eleanor the school has done extensive research on you."

"I know. I've done my best, paid quite a bit, to befuddle the internet results, you know, to keep any search returns on my name bountiful – so you have to absolutely dig to find the family stuff. Which you will find if you keep going. I hate it when people do." She sighed, puddles growing beneath her. "If you know what you're looking for it's easy to find. Grandfather, great grandfather, great great grandfather, they were all titled and all that bullshit. We have – land."

"No shit."

"Yes."

"Do you have like a family crest or something?"

"Actually, yes."

"So an estate – a manor?"

"Yes."

"I'm just going to keep going with this."

"Fine. It had to happen sooner or later."

"So I assume your family is rather 'comfortable?'"

"In all honesty, yes. Quite."

"OK what I really, really want to know – is – is there – is there a life size oil portrait of you hanging in a great hall somewhere?"

Eleanor did not reply.

"Oh I see." Caroline had the good sense to look abashed.

"God Caroline I do not want to do this with you – not yet. I'm sick about how this is going to work. With Mum – the family – and us. I've been ignoring it, willfully." Eleanor's tone was stern and touched with anger – more with frustration.

"The first thing you need to do is put on some clothes. Because I'm really having a hard time keeping track of this conversation." Caroline gave her a look over, Eleanor's skin and hair still damp from a steamy shower. "Then we're going to fix some tea and you're going to start talking."

"I suppose. Or - " Eleanor pulled off her towel and gave Caroline her most dazzling smile. "Or we could just completely forget that this even ever came up." She stepped forward into Caroline and grasped her hips, pulled her close and moved her mouth down her jaw, into her neck line. "There are so many other far more important concerns I have right now."

"Mmmmmm – being?"

"Getting these silly clothes off of you, as quickly as possible." She bent at the knees and she pulled Caroline's jeans to the floor and looked up, pausing to kiss both thighs as she stood. "Were you honestly planning on going anywhere except my bedroom today?"

"Leaving is beginning to seem like a terrible idea. Any other concerns?" Caroline smiled as Eleanor planted kisses all down her neck and collarbone.

"Oh I've got a very long list – and we've just barely started."

* * *

"So the note? From Emma?"

Eleanor frowned "Oh but I thought I'd done such a good job of distracting you."

"Mmmm you certainly did. I was very distracted. All day, almost." Caroline looked out into the waning afternoon sunlight. They studied the ceiling, Eleanor tucked into Caroline, who was drawing lines up and down her arm as they murmured at each other.

"Emma. Yes. We all have a past. We all have people we carry forward with us. You for better, me for worse." Eleanor shook her head.

"She's pretending to politely let me know that she and her family will be staying at the house at the end of the summer. Totally unnecessary to send the letter, but she just can't help herself. It's always cat and mouse with her." Eleanor closed her eyes in a genuinely pained expression. She had her own ghosts, it seemed.

"My brother – older brother - Jonathan, is holding an engagement party for my niece Elizabeth. At the family estate. Next month."

"Oh how lovely. Congratulations."

"Yes, I suppose. But it's just everything that goes with it."

"Such as?"

"Such as notes from Emma, calls from Mum, pomp and circumstance. Emma loves it all. I hate it all. She knows it. She found my unease at off of it quaint, when we started. But the novelty of my boredom with the landed gentry wore off."

"I'm sorry."

"We were young. Our families dealt with us as though we were simply spoiled, bored heiresses, and I think for Emma that was true. She knows I hated it, still do. Hence the 'Lady Eleanor.'"

"She sounds charming."

"Rather." Eleanor looked over at Caroline. "And between the two of us, I think you'd make a much better Lady of anything. You've got the attitude for it."

"Oh don't start with me."

"Well once I start I usually can't stop." Eleanor turned under the sheet and began kissing Caroline's chest.

"You've well and fully played that card. I'm completely un-distractable."

Eleanor flopped over on her back and sighed. "Come with me, to Cayton, next month?"

"Eleanor I don't know. It all sounds intimidating and unpleasant."

"It is. Believe me. But at least I'll get a gorgeous new gown."

"Mmmmmm. A definite plus."

"Oh let's get you one too, Caroline."

"Should we do a bit of shopping next weekend?"

"Ah."

"Yes?"

"Well usually mum just selects some dress she likes for me from some current line, calls wherever in London," - Eleanor waved her hand - "with my measurements, and I have a fitting a couple weeks beforehand. At least I can pick out the shoes. And the jewelry. Mum started insisting she dress me when I showed up in something off the rack for her 50th birthday. I refused to yet again spend a month's salary on a gown I'd wear once. She said she wouldn't have me seen that way, and here we are. At least the girls are still allowed to wear something fiscally appropriate."

As had quickly become customary for Caroline during this conversation, she was silent for a while before responding.

"Eleanor, I mean, seriously, really, seriously, who are you?"

"Oh Caroline I know. All of it. It's ridiculous. I'm so sorry. You don't have to come with me. I want to imagine none of it exists, keep it out of our lives. When I met that Felicity woman – last month, at that awful dinner party – I knew she somehow knew the family. I saw that look in her eyes, the appraisal and the machinations, wondering what I could do for her or how I might provide her access to some social occasion. It always completely throws me hopelessly off my game." Eleanor sighed. "People who know my family see my name and wonder what, or where, I can get them."

"Well I hope I've been clear about what I want from you." Caroline grinned.

Eleanor smiled and swatted her chest. "But really, I want you there. I'm sick of pretending to be the 'what must be the matter with her' un-wed spinstress at these things."

"I want to be there with you – for you, Eleanor, I really do. It's all just rather – unbelievable."

"I know. I know. Caroline - I haven't had a woman home in years, and no one's made it more than one go with the family, with mother. I'm the black sheep and she lets me know it. She's awful. Emma was honestly the only one who could navigate it, because her family is equally atrocious and caught up in it all. It's just too much. And it ends up ruining things one way or the other – I can't let anyone near enough to any of it, or I do and then she just can't manage the whole thing, and she decides I'm not worth the trouble. I don't want to lose you like that."

Caroline had never known Eleanor to ramble. "I've never heard anything of so ridiculous as you being a black sheep." She kissed the top of her head. "An 'unwed spinstress?' Hardly."

Eleanor just sighed deeply, then pouted at Caroline.

"Oh don't you pout at me." Caroline gave her a stern look in reply.

"But it works every time, love." Eleanor began to grin.

"And don't 'love' me either."

"But darling that also works every time."

At this Caroline raised a finger and pointed it as a warning, expression still stern but balanced with a smile.

"Did I mention that we can stay at the family flat in Kensington – pop into London to pick up something for you? A couple weeks from now if you're up for it. I'll figure out what pound of flesh mum will want to extract in exchange – because an entire weekend with you Caroline, it's just too delicious to imagine."

Taking a page from Eleanor, Caroline raised an eyebrow.

"Just the two of us. All weekend. No dashing about." Eleanor's tone was suggestive. "Even if Flora needs to come, perhaps we can make it all the way this time."

"Mmmmmm. Just the two of us… all weekend?" Caroline could not help but envision how it would be, days and nights blending into each other, the momentum of it all. Knowing they would wear themselves out talking all day, late into the night - because she was endlessly curious about Eleanor. Knowing they would fall asleep and wake up together, and then do it all over again the next day.

"And the house staff."

Caroline's expression fell.

"Kidding." Eleanor smiled and bit her lip. "Well, I mean, we can dismiss them."

"Eleanor."

"What?"

Caroline smiled and pulled Eleanor's mouth to hers, pausing the discussion for time spent more pleasurably before she had to return home.


	31. Chapter 31

Caroline winced as Gillian replied exactly as predicted to her current 'predicatment.'

"So your ridiculously rich girlfriend is in a twist because she's worried her family won't get on with someone who isn't also ridiculously rich?"

"Well she's not _rich_. Her family is. I get the impression she's told them she wants nothing to do with it."

"How civilized of her." Gillian seemed less than impressed. "You have the most ridiculous problems, sometimes, Caroline."

"Well but they're not ridiculous to her. I think she's rather put out about it all."

"Eh well, families, they're all the same, you know, underneath."

"Yes that's true." Caroline looked off over the hills and watched the windmills turn. She and Gillian and Flora had taken a sunny moment for a walk around the back side of the farm. Caroline felt wired – she couldn't quite stand to be still and she couldn't stand to focus on any one thing. Since returning from New York she'd begun to respond 'happy' when people asked how she was.

"Well. And in the end it's none of my business. There's really nothing I can do about it." Flora held Caroline's hand tightly at moments and then wobbled off on her own, babbling. It considerably slowed their progress but that wasn't the point. Caroline had taken her for a girl's day out and she'd driven right up to Gillian's, missing Ginika and a bit of open space.

Gillian had announced she wouldn't be able to get anything done in the barn with Caroline prattling on, so she'd suggested they wander.

"You see Caroline, there it is. There's you all over. You know, thinking that if it's not your problem, it's not a problem. And it's a ridiculous problem, but it means something to her, your Eleanor. And technically you don't have to do anything about it, but it would be a nice gesture."

"I suppose she is my Eleanor." Caroline studied the tall grass.

"You do it to all of us." Gillian met Caroline's gaze defiantly. "Anyway she's clearly worried about this thing, and you 'ought to be more sympathetic."

"Well it is a bit insulting. I mean it's not as if I can't hold a civilized conversation. I have a doctorate."

"You're the rare air in this family, that's for sure."

"Oh you know what I mean. Don't be smart."

"Caroline I think you're wound 'round the axle because you've encountered someone you can't look down your nose at."

Gillian forestalled Caroline's coming storm of retort. "What I mean by that is, is, it's how you get on, in the world. We're all just commoners, to you, 'til you decide we're safe, not going to bite or whatever, and then you know, it's fine." Gillian followed Caroline's gaze off to the windmills.

"I suppose you're right. I mean I _know_ you are. I'm self-absorbed. I don't like it about myself. I don't always see it." Caroline turned to her abruptly and smiled. "Forget the love advice. I ought to just hire you as my analyst."

"Well your posh girlfriend can foot the bill."

"What's new with you and Robbie? Are you getting on alright?" Caroline picked Flora up off her bum and dusted it. "You are a big one now, aren't you?" They smiled at each other and Caroline put her back down to toddle off to a patch of daisies. "It was just a moment, I mean I was chasing after Eleanor, but I thought I saw you for a moment with Henry – at Gary's."

"Eh that wasn't anything. Just some champagne." Gillian wrapped her hand around a stalk of hay and tugged a little. "Yeah, Robbie's fair enough. Raff's happy to have him here all the time, and it's a real help with Calamity. And the farm." Gillian gestured homeward.

"You know I'm glad for you, Gillian. I really am. I know that you and Robbie don't have a fairy tale ending yet, so to speak, but I hope you feel happy. Like you've got someone you can trust. Share the load. When it's working right, it's a rather nice thing to have in your life."

Gillian's mouth twitched upward. "Yeah. 'reckon you're right about that. I suppose it ought to be 'hell and high water' and all that, but you know I still worry," she bit at her thumb, "I worry about Eddie. 'And Raff."

"It's always going to be between you, isn't it?" Caroline walked over to pick up Flora again and held her against her shoulder. _'Won't be able to do this much longer.'_

"I s'pose it will." Gillian kept at her thumb, still staring off. "Don't know how to square that."

"Yeah." Caroline set down Flora, who'd begun to squirm, and who she refused to admit was simply too big to hold for very long anymore. "Funny thing is, secrets have a way of coming out, don't they?"

"Yeah that's exactly the point, 'innit it?"

"Yes. Any thought at all, I mean, I don't see how it could work out, but could you tell him?"

"No. He'd never be right with it. It's not in him."

"I see."

The wind whistled by and Caroline turned up her collar. The midday sun was lean as fall came on, but bright white and hard, staring right at them. The hills were still rolling vibrant green and segmented far as the eye could see with grey-green walls off into forever, patches of land that meant a lot to somebody. If not for the turbines and occasional mobile tower it would be hard to put yourself exactly in the right century.

"So you goin', then, to this party in 'Cayton.'" Gillian gave the last a special inflection.

"I think I have to." Caroline shook her head. "And I think you're just pleased someone is looking down their nose at me."

"Mmmmm. Maybe. Well, study up, I s'pose. Is there a book or something you can reference?"

"Not exactly."

"Eh."

Flora plopped down and raised her arms to Caroline. "Up."

Gillian gave a delighted smile. "Words, then yeah?"

Caroline beamed down at Flora and picked her up as they turned home. "Just one or two here or there. But it's on the way. Lord help me."

"Well you had it easy with sons. They don't sass much. But I hear daughter's will give you real hell. And she's learning from you, so yeah, 'reckon you're really in for it."

"Well no helping her along with the smart mouth, Auntie Gillian."

Gillian raised her hands. "Wouldn't dream of it."

"Right."


	32. Chapter 32

"William." Caroline took advantage of a rare quiet morning, William at the couch with coffee and Caroline in the kitchen. He looked up from his worn book, toward her, and gave a hazy smile, but did not speak. The sky outside was charcoal grey and rain was imminent.

Caroline walked over and sat next to him. "Care for some breakfast?"

He shook his head, smiling but still silent.

Quiet from William, Caroline was used to. Silence less so.

She reached over gently and plucked the book from his hands. _'The Winter of our Discontent.'_

"Studying up on Ethan Allen?"

He didn't respond.

"William." Caroline studied him, his hair and his eyes, his body and his manner. It was all familiar, changed, with the time apart, he'd grown, but differently than she'd anticipated. The same. But sad.

"Yes mum?" He gave a wan smile that could have been easily attributed to early morning lassitude, but Caroline felt that wasn't accurate.

"William you're different." Caroline could not think of another way to break through his façade.

"Am I?" He gave a half-smile.

"Yes. You are." Caroline reached out across the couch and fingered a curl of his hair.

"University is different than I expected."

"How so?"

"I don't know." He smiled over at her. "You seem happy with Eleanor."

Caroline smiled back. "Yes. I feel happy. Thank you. But I'm more interested in you right now."

"That's sweet, Mum."

"Well that's my job. To wonder and worry and care about you. And I'm worried about you."

William put his hand on her knee. "It's really okay, mum. It's going to be okay."

"Alright then." Caroline was more concerned than ever. William stood and plucked his book from her hands.

"Just, just be – just be my mum, okay?" He smiled crookedly and bent down to kiss the top of her head.

'That is not my William. Like him, but not my William.' Caroline frowned after him and then frowned out at the gunmetal sky.

"Sure. But first you've got to let me. You do know I love you?"

"Love you too Mum."

"Okay then." Caroline smiled. "William."

"Yes?"

"Come here." She put her hand on the couch next to her. "Just sit with me?"

"Sure." He smiled reluctantly, but was never one to refuse his mum.

"You can keep reading, I won't disturb you. But even if we don't talk, I'd like to be with you a while, yeah?"

"Okay."

He sat, and Caroline picked up one of Greg's comics from the coffee table. She chuckled. 'Probably a good idea to read one of these at some point.' William leaned back against the couch and continued his book. Caroline reclined against him, head on his shoulder, and opened the comic.

An hour later Caroline had read three of the comics on the table. The words they brought to mind were fascinating and horrifying. But also well-crafted and imaginative. She'd certainly a new appreciation for Greg and his – art form – she supposed he might call it.

William had not really stirred, but his body language had relaxed and opened up to her a little more.

"Would you ever consider taking your Mum to lunch?"

He looked up and smiled. "Yes." All the communication skills of a petulant teenager without the aggressive attitude.

"I think I know just the place. Jane introduced me. Lebanese. Seems right for the sophisticated University man."

He smiled but there wasn't a lot of sentiment behind it, more of an automated and expected reaction. "Sounds good."

* * *

"Two of you?"

"Yes, thank you." Caroline smiled at the girl who'd first sat her and Jane on her first visit.

She lead them to a table halfway back and against the wall. "Would you like menus, or just let Eva send something out?"

Remembering her last experience Caroline did not hesitate. "Chef's choice. Absolutely."

"Very well. Mint tea?"

"Please."

William followed along and gave perfunctory smiles throughout the exchange. They managed conversation through one course, echoing Caroline's experiences with him all summer.

The next course arrived and they tucked in, still silent. Caroline started, but sighed and put down her fork. She sat back and crossed her arms.

"Listen, William." He looked up warily. "I am your mother. You can lie to me, however you can't fool me. I know something's wrong, and I know you won't tell me. Which is fine. But it's awfully hard to know that something's wrong and you won't talk to me about it."

"Sorry Mum." He pushed his moussaka around the plate with his fork.

"Are you in some kind of trouble? Because if you are it's fine. Really, it's fine. We can sort it."

"I'm not in any trouble, mum. Really."

"Okay." Caroline stared him down, head tilted and eyes drilling through him, but expression assessing and not hostile. Had he not grown up with it, it might have been intimidating. But he knew Caroline as well as she knew him, knew she wasn't going to keep pushing, wasn't going to be mad.

"Fine. No more from me. But I'm here William. I'm always here. And I'll always love you."

He did look up and meet her softened gaze and urging smile. He offered her a genuine and grateful smile in return. "I know Mum. Love you to."

She picked up her fork and resumed her meal. "The food is amazing, isn't it?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "Totally solid. I'd definitely come back."

"Right then. Let's do that, okay?"

"Definitely."


	33. Chapter 33

"Why hello John." Eleanor stood at the kitchen island snug and warm in Caroline's robe, two cups of tea in hand that she set down as the ghastly creature slunk in.

"Ah, it's eh, Eleanor, yes? From Sulgrave Heath? Governors? We've met, before, I think, here and there?"

"Yes, it's Eleanor. The one and only."

"Right. Why are you here at Caroline's, then, so early?"

"How about you tell me - I'm standing half naked in her kitchen at seven in the morning. I'd heard you were a bit more clever." She paused and raised her eyebrows. "The better question is - what are you doing here? I'd also heard that you're not welcome."

The man stopped, at least had the sense to close his mouth, and shoved his hands in the pockets of jeans that quite possibly could have stood on their own. "I em, well I'm here with Lawrence. Picking up a couple things. I've a right to that." He pitched his head to the side, grimaced and narrowed his eyes. "Well this has been pleasant."

He turned to leave, but Eleanor wasn't nearly done having fun.

"Cup of tea? Coffee? Orange juice perhaps? You look a little peaked. Rough night?"

"No. No more than usual."

"Well you could certainly use a shave. Need to borrow a razor from Greg? I'm sure he'd lend you one."

"No. No, no, I'm fine."

"You don't look it. My god did you sleep in those clothes?"

"I did not. And you're a cheeky one, aren't you?" He made a face, eyes darting as though scavenging for a way out. "Is Caroline about, then?"

"She is, but I'm afraid she's still sleeping. In bed. _Dead tired_." Eleanor gazed at the second floor, grinned suggestively, met John's eyes directly, and took a sip of her tea. "Long night."

"Was it?" John had the look of a lightweight fighter ready to lose in the tenth round.

"Since your publisher's dropped you forever ago and you've been paddling around for work, what's turned up?"

"My god woman are you always like this first thing in the morning? I mean, I don't think it's polite to insult strange women in my kitchen, but, I mean, my God." He skittered around but couldn't seem to stop staring at Eleanor. "And for your information, I've had some very promising, well, some very good conversations with another publisher. I've even considered self-publishing, that's a thing now, if you must know. And, actually - it's actually none of your business."

"Good on you. But you might want to get that drinking problem under control before you get earnest about anything. The whole 'charming rascal' routine wears thin as you're pushing fifty, you know, with only one real success under your literary belt. Makes publishing houses leery." She emphasized the last word.

"Really, I – I – I don't understand exactly what reason, what right, really, you think you have to em, stand there, in my kitchen" he gestured emphatically, "and insult me. Or speak to me in that manner at all. Anywhere. And frankly I don't know where this vitriol is coming from."

Eleanor reluctantly drew her eyes up and down John's deflated posture and finished with a look that clearly implied she found him lacking. This was fun.

"It's certainly not your kitchen. And it's not vitriol, John, it's pity. You'll know vitriol when it comes from me." Dazzling smile. "And in fact yes, I'm like this every morning - and I get even better as the day wears on."

Caroline padded in and walked over to Eleanor, leaned in for a kiss and grabbed a waiting cup of tea. "I wondered what had kept you." She leaned against the counter facing Eleanor. "And yep. You do get better as the day goes on." She turned to John. "Help you with anything?"

"Ah. No. I was, just, I just brought round Lawrence to grab something from his room. We, ah, I should go then and see if he's ready. To go. Now." Looking dazed, he wandered out and down the hall.

Eleanor smiled and waved after him. "Always nice to see you, John."

"How was all that? Sorry he turned up. He can be a real charmer. Hope he didn't ruin your mood. It was a rather good one, if I remember correctly." Caroline let her eyes linger on the V of Eleanor's robe, and played with the tie.

"Oh it was nothing. I think John and I will get on just fine, when required."

"Good. Now. Let's talk. Are we really going to London next weekend?"

"I hope we are. I have my heart absolutely set on it." Eleanor pulled at the buttons of Caroline's thermal, opening them one by one.

Caroline swatted her hand away and moved over to the fridge. "Stop with that." She leaned in and pulled out a dozen eggs, cream, spinach and parm. She opened the freezer. "Yes here we go. I knew I had a crust in here."

Eleanor let out an offended sigh. "Caroline is that a store-bought pre-frozen pie crust?"

"Yes. Is there a problem?"

"Now I know you were full of it when you claimed to bake."

"In fact I do bake, and I was about to put a quiche in the oven for us. To bake. That can change."

"Mmmmm. Fine. Never argue with a woman who's about to cook for you. But once it's in the oven we're starting scones. This cannot go on."

"I think I'm starting to catch a glimpse of Lady Eleanor." Caroline knew she'd shot a dart and quickly apologized at Eleanor's hurt expression – which did not fade. She set down the pie crust and came over to lean against her. "Really. I'm sorry." She kissed her softly and pulled back as she felt Eleanor smile.

"I know. It really doesn't bother me when _you_ say it. But it was a great way to get you to kiss me. And you looked so contrite. Adorable."

Caroline stepped back and poked her in the shoulder. "Impossible."

"Thank you."

* * *

"These scones are to die for. Seriously Eleanor. I can't stop." Caroline slathered her last bite with cream and popped it in her mouth.

"Here's what you need as fatty, fresh, and cold as possible - the cream and butter. Then attention to detail – which I think we have in spades - and snap. Easy as pie. Or real pie crusts."

"No, no, I'm sure you've worked some sort of magic into here. But what we need to figure out is how I can bring your scones over and serve them to you in your bed. Per our contract." She pinched the crumbs off her plate. "Because, the problem is, that you cannot leave any of these in this house. I will eat every single one."

"I'm happy to make you more. Any time." Eleanor perched on the couch with her legs tucked under her next to Caroline. "Now let's talk details. Not to ruin the spontaneity, but there are a few things I want to do with you in London. Some of them outside of the flat, even."

"You never stop, do you?"

"Only if you ask me to."

"Mmmmmm. Nope. Not yet."

"Fine. Anyway. Friday night. Indian. There is one particular place near Covent Garden that will blow you away. But you have to be good at dinner, because my sticky toffee spot is right near. Odd follow up, but it's so good you won't care at all."

"I'm on board so far."

"Then home we go to - sleep. Because we have an early morning. Unfortunately we have to get out by noon to get to Bond Street for appointments I've made."

"Oh Eleanor I don't know. Appointments?" Caroline wrinkled her nose.

"Trust me Caroline."

Caroline did feel trusting - about this.

"Trust me."

"Fine." Caroline narrowed her eyes and her furrowed brow, a look that did not match her words.

"Then off to drinks and a show, I think – if there's anything you want to see?"

"Mmmmm let's find out what's good. And Eleanor I'm already exhausted."

"You only live once Caroline. And I loathe anyone who goes to London and doesn't stay out at least until midnight." She leaned in to Caroline's ear and whispered. "I'd have you out all night – if I didn't want to have you up all night."

Caroline smiled and kissed Eleanor. "Well I hope I can be entertaining enough for you."

"Oh you're more than entertaining, Caroline." Eleanor winked, stood, and grabbed their breakfast plates. She put them in the sink, returned and took Caroline by the hand. "Come on."

"Eleanor seriously. I can't."

"Presumptuous. You are terribly presumptuous. We've got to get dressed because I need to get to the grocer at some point this weekend. And judging from the looks of your pantry, so do you."

Caroline followed her up the stairs, shaking her head.

* * *

Their second attempt at a London escape was far less eventful, but just as wonderful. Greg was still catching up on his Flora-time from Caroline's New York trip, and took her with him down to his Mum's.

The Strathclyde family flat didn't disappoint - Caroline would be hard pressed to even imagine a stay at a hotel in the future. Eleanor made her rounds, but Caroline wedged her own highlights in here and there, including a favorite little tea emporium tucked into an alley up in Camden. They sipped tea and talked until early evening, when they strolled until they found another little alley alive with jazz, which Caroline's plan all along. She didn't know if Eleanor could really sing, but Caroline's toes tingled when she did catch her humming along with a tune in the kitchen or in the car.

Fittings were not an experience she ever desired to repeat. Eleanor enjoyed it even more than she let on, though. For her part Caroline couldn't see why you'd waste an hour perched on uncomfortable settees, no matter how sparkling the champagne or rich the espresso. She didn't mind so much the one private appointment they'd had, away from women with tight faces who made Eleanor's attitude seem completely unprepossessing.

But seeing London through Eleanor's eyes - watching them light up at the nights of the West End, chasing her as she gleefully navigated busy train stations and idling while she window-shopped, was more than enough to make up for a few hours of discomfort. All in all the weekend was far too short, though she couldn't have managed another hour more of the city or Eleanor's energy. She slept almost the entire ride home, head filled with bustle, buskers, and food she'd miss until the next time they visited.


	34. Chapter 34

"Alright. Eleanor will be here in five minutes." Caroline wrestled her luggage down the stairs and piled it at the entry. She walked into the kitchen, Gillian, Alan and Celia gathered around the island.

"Look at you, Caroline of the manor." Gillian smiled. "Have fun, yeah."

"Yeah." Caroline made a face and smiled back. "You lot have fun with Flora. And no new words, right Aunt Gillian?"

"Right."

"Now. Mum." She turned to Celia. "Are you feeling better?"

"It's just a bit of indigestion, love." Celia smiled and waved a hand. "It'll pass."

Caroline's look was not sympathetic nor patient. "A bit of indigestion for the last two weeks? I don't think so." She pointed directly at Celia and shook her head. "Did you call to make an appointment to be seen?"

"Oh it's nothing. But I'll call on Monday."

Alan stepped around and laid a hand on Celia's shoulder, looked at Caroline. "You know she won't. And she won't listen to me, Caroline."

"Oh I know. That's why I've already set it. Mum you don't have to call on Monday, because you have an appointment on Monday. At 11am. I'm sure Alan will be _happy_ to drive you."

"Sure I will. Thank you Caroline. She's a stubborn one."

"You two can stop talking about me as though I'm not in the room." Celia looked from Alan to Caroline. Gillian smiled at all of them.

"OK then. I'm back on Sunday evening. Ring me on the mobile if you need anything. Thank you. And wish me luck."

"You don't need luck Caroline. You'll do just fine." Alan smiled over at her and Celia nodded.

A knock at the door. Caroline's eyes brightened. "That'll be her."

"Do you have time for a quick hello?" Alan smiled and Celia grimaced, but he elbowed her and she nodded and smiled.

"Of course."

They followed Caroline through to the entryway and lined up around her as she opened the door.

"He –" Eleanor started, visibly surprised by the welcome wagon. "Oh. Hello everyone." She smiled warmly.

Caroline cleared her throat and gestured to the party. "Hello Eleanor. You've a crowd that's come to send us off."

"Wonderful." Eleanor stepped in as Caroline moved aside. She turned to Celia first.

"Celia it's always lovely to see you. You're looking very well."

She turned and hugged Alan, which was most people's natural response. "Alan. How are you?"

"Just fine love, just fine."

"Good. Gillian?" She turned and narrowed her eyes in friendly conspiracy. Their relationship had been blessedly circumspect, and Caroline believed time spent together would not yet be a bonus for that particular relationship.

"Right as rain."

"Alright then. Time we got moving, wouldn't you say, Eleanor?"

"Yes darling." Eleanor grinned indulgently and winked at Alan. She favored the entire assembled Buttershaws with another brilliant smile. "Wonderful to see you all. I hope we'll get together for a proper meal again sometime soon." She glanced pointedly, who followed Eleanor out and smiled back at the crowd as she shut the door.

* * *

Caroline stared out the window, mouth slightly parted, as the giant edifice of Eleanor's family home reflected in the Land Rover's windows. They had skirted the main drive and were headed down a gravel lane, staying in one of the converted guest houses.

"Wow. Eleanor. I didn't think people still lived in places like this."

"People don't. My family does."

"So what – I mean, like how - did it all happen?"

"The keystone was laid by Sir William Edgar Strathclyde in 1780. He and his wife – Eleanor Mary Strathclyde, came down to London from Speyside in 1770. Sir William cared very little for politics but a great deal for profit. They were already very well off when they landed in London, and by the end of the war with America, The Strathclydes had a large pile of money and the favor of King George."

She rambled on with a story that sounded well-worn. "He was not exactly in a position to return to Scotland, so our Sir William settled on the cliffs in the 'wilds' of Cayton Bay. And the rest – is – well, history."

"Oh." Caroline had felt confident, after twenty years facing down school children and their even worse behaved parents, that she was prepared for anything. But suddenly she felt quite out of her depth. _'OK then.'_

"It's fine, Caroline. Seventy-five percent of the people in attendance tonight live down among us commoners."

"And the other twenty-five?"

"Mum's insufferable and other long-time family friends."

"I see."

Eleanor reached across and squeezed Caroline's hand as they pulled up to the guest cottage, which was thankfully modest, though even from the outside seemingly very well appointed.

They parked and packed their various garment bags and suitcases inside. Indeed it was significantly more subtle than the main house, quite charming and comfortable. Caroline smiled as Eleanor showed her into the master suite.

"Voila." Eleanor tossed her garment bag onto the king size bed and turned to Caroline. "This is where I stay when we make our pilgrimages. The girls in the guest room. I refuse to have them in the main house."

"Ah." Caroline opened the closet and hung her gown – walked over to the bed and gathered Eleanor's and hung hers as well.

The September sun filtered in through a giant Dutch Elm outside the window, brightening the warm brown hues in the room. At the bureau were pictures of Eleanor and the girls in various stages of growth. All in all the place did have a sense of Eleanor about it.

Eleanor let Caroline ponder her surroundings for a moment before placing her hand palm down at the center of Caroline's chest, curling her fingers over the neckline of Caroline's dress. "We have ages until we have to be up at the house – and I could really use some quality time with you, before we engage the masses."

"Hmmmm." Caroline unwrapped her scarf and took off her jacket and considered Eleanor, face carefully neutral. She dropped her hands to her waist and began to unbuckle the chunky belt looped over her dress. "That might be nice."

* * *

Caroline set to smoothing the front of her dress as she finally emerged from the master suite.

Eleanor tumbler of scotch in hand, stood watching, eyes plastered on her, as Caroline picked and plucked her way to what she hoped would be perfection.

"Oh we should have done black tie months ago." She met her halfway across the room and grabbed Caroline by the waist.

"Don't start, Eleanor." Caroline smiled tolerantly and stepped back, hand against Eleanor's chest. "You'll smudge me. Though I do appreciate the sentiment."

"It's just the heels. Always the heels. And the glacier blue eyes. And the warm blonde hair framing your face just… right. But wait," Eleanor looked to the window and placed a finger over her lips, brow drawn, "And what else? Yes that's it - your, ehm, décolletage." Eleanor took another sip of scotch, offering the last to Caroline who accepted gratefully.

Caroline, unsure of exactly what the evening might hold, and who might be in attendance wearing what, had stayed with all black. A Greek-inspired silk dress that wrapped over her shoulders on either side and cut a low but modest V, subtle matte black brooch where it gathered high at the waist, loose and flowing down to her ankles, just a suggestion of a train at the back. Impossibly tall pointed matte black heels. She draped a midnight black cashmere pashmina over her bare shoulders; hair up per usual for formals in a wispy French twist. As most women do when they need a boost of confidence, she wore her mother's pearl necklace and earrings.

"This is delightful." Caroline sipped and gave an appreciative glance over to the bottle.

"Balvenie 17. Peated Cask. House scotch of the Strathclyde clan." She held up the bottle in illustration. "Speaking of – I forgot to tell you – Mum goes by 'Margaret' in the family, to avoid confusion."

Caroline nodded and finished the scotch. "My compliments." She set down the tumbler. "Speaking of compliments," She gestured at Eleanor as she walked over to fetch her clutch from the banquette. _'She's used to this isn't she – it's old hat to her.'_ "You're stunning." She turned back to admire her date for the evening, who'd struck a runway pose, hand on hip.

She truly was. Starched white tuxedo shirt unbuttoned dangerously low with high collar turned up, French cuffs and diamond cuff links. Complementary diamond necklace that must have been in the family because it was made up of more carats than Caroline had collectively seen in her lifetime. Deep scarlet and very plain cummerbund-style sash at the waste, incorporated into the black ankle-length skirt of matching dupioni silk, with pockets - Eleanor firmly believed in pockets - full and flared with a toile underskirt. Scarlet heels to match her cummerbund. Her hair was loosely braided around the sides and the rest flowed down her back. Usually spartan with make-up, Eleanor had applied a skilled hand and added a smoky grey eye shadow, just enough blush, and a deep scarlet lipstick matching her cummerbund.

"Seriously, Eleanor. Who _are_ you?"

"You know who I am, Caroline."

She did, and she was glad for it. Hand in hand, they set off into the night and uncharted waters.


	35. Chapter 35

The entire expansive house was awash in light. Every room on all four stories blazed at their approach. As they entered the great foyer it was impossible to miss Margaret. She had all the look of Eleanor as she must surely be thirty years on. She was an inch smaller in stature, and her hair was straight, short, neat, and blonde, but there was no mistaking the profile. Nor was there mistaking the way she held court in a magnificent silver ball gown, raw silk, off the shoulders and floor-length, a diamond necklace the equal of Eleanor's draped at her neck. Her charisma was palpable.

At her side was a tall and distinguished man in a well-cut tuxedo. He was also reminiscent of Eleanor, with a full head of wavy brown hair and warm, kind chocolate eyes that matched hers. More so for the kindness in them.

Both smiled broadly as Eleanor approached, Caroline at her side. George greeted Caroline first, who held out her hand. "Mr. Strathclyde." He paused, as though this were unexpected, but his smiled deepened and he shook it firmly, meeting Caroline's eyes as he did so. "Ms. McKenzie Dawson. A pleasure." His voice shared the deep and lyrical quality of Eleanor's.

Caroline and Margaret exchanged kisses on the cheek. Margaret finally turned to Caroline as George greeted Eleanor with a hug. Caroline held out her hand again, "Mrs. Strathclyde," but Margaret took her by the shoulders and planted kisses on either cheek. "Oh we can't be so formal, Caroline. Handshakes and last names. Call me Margaret. After all, Eleanor's told me so much about you, I feel that I practically know you."

Caroline's eyes narrowed imperceptibly before she smiled again, having in no way anticipated the seemingly warm greeting. "Very well Margaret. Lovely to meet you."

"Likewise. Now do come through." She took Caroline by the arm and led her through the soaring foyer, flanked by two great stairways, and into the grand ballroom.

Champagne was everywhere and a jazz ensemble played from the upper balcony surrounding the ballroom. Caroline had to admit she felt a little breathless.

* * *

"Ah. The night is already complete. Emma. I did wonder when we'd run into you." Even as Eleanor spoke, Caroline could see her shoulders creeping upward.

"Wondered with anticipation, I hope?" Emma stepped away from the tall, lithe, younger blonde woman she'd been talking to, at very close range.

"Absolutely." Eleanor rolled her eyes and with flat inflection continued. "Emma, this is Caroline. Caroline, this is Emma."

Caroline sized the woman up without any attempt to hide it, and she saw Emma do the same. Though she judged them different in every way, they were similarly unimpressed and unintimidated. Caroline did have to admit she was compelling. Shorter than she by a couple inches, she made up for it in regal posture and unbridled attitude. Her hair was naturally a deep and dark red, falling in a classic straight line just to her shoulder and curling under. Her skin was the color of rich cream with just enough freckles to soften the stunning effect. Her eyes were the emerald green of her gown, an absolutely simple and sheer number that managed to be loose while still clinging in all the advantageous locations.

Emma turned to Eleanor, placing a hand on her arm as she stood on her toes to kiss Eleanor's cheek, who refused to meet her halfway.

She stood back with a smug smile. "You're looking – well, Eleanor. Curvaceous, these days, I see."

Caroline bristled, ready for it right out of the gate. "Are you trying to be clever?"

"Your girlfriend here always seemed to find me clever - enough." Emma let her eyes rake Eleanor, who still seemed completely disaffected and strangely - absent.

Caroline narrowed her eyes. "And yet, in the end, lacking the good sense God gave my cat, treating Eleanor the way you did." Caroline turned and planted a possessive hand on Eleanor's waist. "Wouldn't you say, darling?"

"Mmmm – Eleanor - now this one I like. Usually you have such pedestrian taste in women." Emma sipped her martini and gave Caroline a second and far less condescending appraisal. "But I suppose I must have set the bar rather high."

Caroline stepped forward toward Emma, mouth open for the next observation, but felt Eleanor's hand at the small of her back.

Eleanor smiled blithely and guided Caroline away firmly. "Really – lovely to see you as always, Emma."

They walked immediately to the bar and Eleanor sighed. "And there you have the Ex."

* * *

Caroline was quite happy to meet Eleanor's brother, his wife, and their glowing daughter, who was clearly star struck and madly in love with her tall and ruggedly good-looking fiancée. They had met, of course, at Oxford. It seemed Eleanor's family was inseparable from the institution.

They turned away from the happy family and neither could hide the shock on their faces as they came face to face with Felicity – and an older woman who was clearly her mother.

Eleanor concealed her surprise quickly, though her tone was magnificently icy. She held out her hand. "Felicity." She did not wait for a reply before turning to the older woman. "You must be Felicity's mother." She smiled in recognition and then self-deprecation. "And of course how dense of me to have missed it previously. I was not connecting the two last names."

Eleanor turned to Caroline. "Caroline, this is Ms. Ethel Thompson, a very old friend of my mother's. Ms. Thompson, this is my girlfriend, Caroline."

Caroline smiled and offered her hand. "Very pleased to meet you." She continued to ignore Felicity.

"Likewise, Caroline. Felicity has told me so much about you." The older woman smiled.

Caroline and Eleanor exchanged a very quick glance and Eleanor nodded. "You must excuse us, I'm afraid I'd promised my father a chance to speak with Caroline at some point this evening."

"Of course dear. Always nice to see you." Felicity's mother smiled, and Felicity nodded, eyes all over both Caroline and Eleanor at this point.

* * *

"Dance, Caroline?" Emma took her hand without waiting for consent and lead her on to the floor as the band started a Cole Porter melody.

"Ah. Well, Emma. I don't - okay." Even with her doctorate Caroline lacked the words to even describe to herself her extreme discomfort, dancing with this distasteful woman, surrounded by a room full of strangers. Every fiber in Caroline screamed in embarrassment and objection, but grooming won out and she plastered a bright smile on her face. She matched the rhythm as Emma fluidly stepped into the lead. Caroline was intensely aware of the woman's hand at her hip and wolfishly appraising smile leveled directly at her. At appropriate turns she cast about with her eyes for Eleanor, only to see her engaged in conversation at the other corner of the floor with Felicity, of all people.

Emma expertly guided them, careful to maintain momentum as she passed as close to Felicity and Eleanor as possible.

At the second pass Eleanor smiled innocently at Caroline and raised her hand in a friendly wave. If she in any way took further notice of Emma's possession of Caroline – moving closer into her and hands drifting lower with each step, it was imperceptible.

The tune had barely begun to fade and Caroline broke step as they neared Eleanor and Felicity, who had been joined by Margaret.

"Well then. Thank you Emma." Caroline stepped off the floor and offered a tight smile. She walked toward the very odd trio. Emma trailed her, still uncomfortably close.

"You two were quite the pair out there. I couldn't take my eyes off of you." Felicity made unabashed eyes at Caroline.

Caroline did not bother to play along and considered Felicity with open boredom. "I'm sure, Felicity."

Margaret raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Finally, to Caroline's great relief, Eleanor placed her arm around her waist and gave a quick kiss on the side of Caroline's head. "Lovely, darling."

Caroline turned to her and smiled. "Thank you."

Emma piped up. "Caroline I understand you and your family are also in Harrogate – that you and Eleanor met while she was doing service at Sulgrave Heath?"

"Ah. Yes. True on all counts." Caroline inclined her head.

Margaret spoke up. "Yes. You have two boys, is that correct?"

* * *

A sliver of dark unease slithered up Eleanor's spine. She mentally stepped back from the scene and allowed herself to observe objectively - the sudden and coincidental cluster of these four particular women - Emma placing Caroline completely off guard as they joined the conversation. Her mother's unexpected interest in or even memory of anything at all having to do with Caroline. All just one degree - off.

Emma made a vague noise of interest to move the conversation forward.

Felicity chimed in. "Yes – William and Lawrence – lovely boys." She smiled at Caroline who still refused to even make eye contact, and still felt one step behind.

Margaret rejoined, again surprising Eleanor, who was used to her extreme disinterest in anything intimate in her life. "Oh yes that's right. I remember. Your older boy – William? He's at Oxford?" Margaret feigned a casual demeanor but her eyes sparkled as she sipped her Manhattan.

Air raid sirens roared to life in Eleanor's head. Absolutely a bridge too far from mother. She quickly raised her champagne to take a sip. She coughed as she did so, choked on the bubbly and started, spilling her entire glass down the front of Felicity's dress.

All of the women made appropriate exclamatory sounds and stepped backward.

"Oh I am _so_ sorry." Eleanor managed to choke out an apology between fits of coughing as her eyes began to water.

Caroline turned and placed a hand at her back. "Are you alright?"

Margaret narrowed her eyes, tightened her lips, and crossed her arms at her chest. Emma held a hand to her mouth to conceal a smile of total approval directed at Eleanor.

"Yes Caroline." Eleanor placed her hand on her own chest. "Just down the wrong pipe. But I think I need to grab some water and air and compose myself." She was still slightly bent and coughing intermittently.

She grabbed Caroline's hand and led her off to the back of the ballroom and into the service passages leading down to the kitchen. As they had left they'd just caught Emma's voice trailing off. "Oh Felicity this is tragic. We must get you out of that dress..."

* * *

Caroline paused Eleanor's flight with a hand on her arm. "Eleanor, seriously. Are you alright? What was that all about?"

"I have no idea. But I twigged to mother just in time. Her teeth were absolutely at your jugular."

Caroline, nonplussed, stared at Eleanor, who was still catching her breath. "Oh I am out of my depth then. Why in the world would you say that?"

"Mother would never be chatting with me and with Felicity. With me and with Emma perhaps. But it was so odd that she stayed when you and Emma then both joined us. She prefers to have people one on one. And she – she had _that look_. I can't explain it. But she was about to do something very wicked."

"I'm a babe in the woods, here Eleanor. You're going to have to lead on." It was quickly becoming apparent the short work Eleanor's family made of interlopers. Then again, Celia hadn't exactly _warmed_ to Eleanor quite yet. And Gillian - well, that relationship might also be described as a work in progress.

"Well we can't just leave." Eleanor placed her hands on her hips and stared at Caroline. "Got it. Back out we go. But we're finding my brother and his wife Bella, or my niece, or any and all of them. You are not to leave their side, even if I'm peeled away, until I figure out what Mum is up to."

Caroline simply nodded, dumbfounded

Eleanor leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I am sorry. I never should have let my guard down with her. Just – just stay with my brother or his wife, got it?"

Caroline nodded again and Eleanor took her hand and led her back upstairs, where the party had continued unabated.

* * *

Caroline followed instruction the rest of the evening, and from that point on actually found herself having a wonderful time. Jonathan, Eleanor's brother, looked of and had the kindness of his father. Bella was absolutely outrageous and uninhibited, and seemed to genuinely enjoy having Caroline as her charge. Eleanor had been at Caroline's side for a moment, but was invited away by her father to say hello to other acquaintances. She left with a very meaningful look at her brother and sister-in-law and simultaneously placed a protective hand on Caroline's shoulder. They smiled and nodded as she was whisked away.

"Judging by Eleanor's missive to keep you close, it seems that you've already encountered Margaret's wrath." Bella clinked her glass against Caroline's. "Impressive."

"Honestly I have no idea – what I've done – or even what's happened, which according to Eleanor, was about to get quite nasty."

"Oh you'll never see it coming dear, that's how she operates. Like a puma." Bella made a slight jumping motion and extended a claw-like hand. "Before you know it's even begun, it's all over."

"You've been on the receiving end, then?" Caroline was wide eyed with curiosity.

"A bit of advice, darling," Bella leaned in close in a conspiratorial stage whisper that wasn't so whisperish. "If you're serious about Eleanor at all – and judging from your adorable little expressions back and forth and unmistakably suggestive body language, I'd say you are – you'd do well to prepare yourself for an absolute shit-storm."

She clinked Caroline's champagne once and again and finished her glass. She hooked her arm around Caroline's. "Come on. Time for a refill."

"Yep."

* * *

"Well Felicity and Emma have both become conspicuously absent." Eleanor gave another cursory glance. "It suits that abominable woman right. Emma will devour her whole and spit out her bones." They stood off to the side of the grand foyer waiting for their wraps, Caroline exhausted but feeling relatively unscathed.

"She seems as atrocious as you lead me to believe. How did you _ever_ survive her?" Caroline couldn't imagine how they'd even been together in the first place. She just seemed all wrong for the Eleanor she'd come to know.

"You know, I'm far more like my father, as is Jonathan. But mother's in here with me too, Caroline, and you shouldn't forget it." Eleanor's eyes were dark, her expression troubled.

Now Caroline appraised her girlfriend as one would a crouched game cat. Wary but unsure of the best way to proceed.

Margaret waltzed up, arms wide, just as their wraps were brought to them. Eleanor's father George followed in her wake. She took Caroline by the shoulders again and kissed both cheeks, then moved to embrace Eleanor.

George took Caroline's hand and kissed her on the cheek as well, a genuine and warm smile on his face. "Lovely to meet you, Caroline."

"You as well, Mr. Strathclyde." Caroline beamed.

"I think just George will do." He returned the smile and then wrapped Eleanor in a great fatherly hug.

Margaret's warm-goodbye expression became one of concern and she gave Caroline a piteous gaze. "It really was so lovely to meet you, Caroline. And please," she placed her right hand over her heart. "Please do accept our sincere condolences for all that happened with William and that poor girl last semester at Oxford. Heartbreaking. I can't imagine."

Eleanor's stomach plummeted to the floor and then jumped to her mouth as she paled. The other shoe had finally dropped.

To her very great credit Caroline only let a shadow of confusion pass over her face before she smiled. "Why yes. Thank you Margaret." She nodded to both of them and took Eleanor's arm, leading her out at a leisurely pace and completely silent until they were well past the spill of other exiting guests.

"Eleanor?" Caroline's voice was ice cold but absolutely panicked. They walked on, arm in arm, until they were well away from the main house, where Caroline stopped and whirled Eleanor to face her. "Eleanor what the fuck was that? What does any of this have to do with William? I don't even understand what she said."

"Truly I have no idea what she was alluding to, Caroline. Truly." Eleanor frowned and her right hand came up to finger her necklace. "I knew - I knew she was up to something. But honestly this is out of bounds, even for her."

A light came on in Caroline's mind and her expression became black. She studied Eleanor for a moment, then turned abruptly and stalked down the path to the cottage.

Eleanor, approaching panic herself, remained silent and followed a step behind. Nowhere, and not at any point in the past, had she ever seen _that_ expression on Caroline's face.


	36. Chapter 36

She followed Caroline into the house, shutting the door behind her. Caroline wheeled immediately and advanced, eyes on fire and finger pointed directly at her chest.

"You. Knew." She spat the words. "You knew. You knew Eleanor, don't lie to me. Oh for fuck's sake, do not lie to me." It was hard to tell if the tears in Caroline's eyes were of hurt, rage, or both.

Eleanor rocked back on her heels, physically struck by the force of Caroline's anger.

"Caroline I had no idea what mother was doing – or saying in there. I have no idea what is going on."

"Oh don't you fucking lie to me, Eleanor." Caroline was crackling with anger. "You knew. That's why you asked about William. In the car – on our way home from Huntingdon. I thought you were just concerned. But you knew something. And you didn't tell me."

"Caroline." Eleanor exhaled. She paused and collected herself mentally, physically, spread her fingers wide, palms to the floor, and relaxed her shoulders. She closed her eyes, opened them, and refocused on the bundle of rage in front of her. "Caroline. Please. Stop for one moment. Stop and listen to me. Hear what I have to say."

Caroline had begun to pace. She stopped in front of Eleanor. "I'd _quite_ like to hear what you have to say."

"Thank you. Can we sit? Please?" Eleanor shrugged off the sarcasm in Caroline's tone and gestured to the sofa.

"I'd rather not."

"OK then. But I will." She walked over and sat. Caroline remained standing, now towering over her.

"I had no idea what mother's game was. No idea. When I spoke to her last, about a week after I'd told her you'd be coming with me tonight, she mentioned both your boys. She asked about the school, she even asked about John. She'd clearly studied up on you."

Caroline did not respond.

"She did ask about William specifically – and mentioned Oxford. You've met the family. You can see why mentioning Oxford's hardly cause for notice."

"But you did notice, didn't you?" Caroline narrowed her eyes and again, her tone bordered sarcasm.

"I did. And so I asked after William, to see if maybe you knew something you hadn't yet shared with me. Mum – I never know with her. It could have been nothing. But it could have been something. And I didn't know if you'd think it was any of my business. But I just wanted to - I don't know. I wanted to see if I could help without putting my foot in it."

Eleanor's fingers continued worrying at her necklace. "But I had absolutely no idea there was anything like – like whatever it is she's talking about." Her eyes had wandered while she spoke but came back up to Caroline. "What was she talking about, Caroline? What happened with William at University?"

"I wish I knew. I mean, I clearly need to speak to him as soon as possible. In fact, I think I'll drive down tomorrow."

"Of course. We can leave first thing."

"I'd rather I could just leave tonight, but that's entirely impractical. I wish I had my own car." Caroline she stared blankly at Eleanor.

Eleanor was wounded by the remark, more by it than Caroline's anger at her. She had been very honest in her explanation, but she could see how events had not played well for her. _'Oh mother. You've done it again, haven't you? I won't lose this one.'_

Caroline stood rooted where she'd initially confronted Eleanor, so Eleanor rose and took two steps toward her. "We had a conversation not so long ago, where you asked me to trust you. Where you told me, in fact, that trusting you was the only way to move forward. Despite events that cast you in a very poor light."

Caroline was still, silent, her eyes steely blue and unyielding. There was a storm of doubt and a million calculations per second flying around behind them.

Eleanor continued forward and stopped in front of Caroline, the heat of her anger pouring off her in an invisible but air-tight buffer.

"It's becoming clear that you're not currently willing to give me the benefit of the doubt here. And I will say that you're absolutely crushing me right now. I'm on the verge of becoming very angry myself. That you willfully refuse to believe me – I don't really know what to do with that."

Eleanor disregarded instinct and placed her palm on Caroline's chest, gaze locked and never wavering, her brown eyes dark and confident, and equally unyielding. "I'm going to change and go to bed. I love you Caroline. It's the best I can do. Okay?"

"Okay."

Eleanor turned and headed toward the master. She did not wait for, nor expect, to be followed.

* * *

 _'What is the fuck is going on here? I just need to know one thing – one thing - that's immutable about this situation. I honestly – I think Eleanor's telling the truth. Probably. I mean, it doesn't seem like her to lie like that. I mean surely she'd understand I'd never be able to forgive her if she had been. I just need time to think. And I can't think clearly, with her close. I can't be objective. She muddles me. And William. William. What could have possibly happened? What's happened with my sweet, sweet boy….'_

Caroline turned out the lights in the sitting room and headed into the guest room. She hunted through the drawers and found a shirt that would work for the night. She shrugged out of her dress and hung it in the closet.

She struggled to find sleep but finally did so, totally exhausted. She awoke briefly, but not fully, at some point in the night. She felt Eleanor beside her, close but with her back to Caroline, curled into herself at the far edge of the bed.

Caroline woke with a start in the morning and saw that there was an impression at the other side of the bed and rumpled sheets, but no sign of Eleanor. She rose and walked into the sitting room. There was a note on the coffee table.

"At the main house. Back by 9am. We can head out straight away."

* * *

Eleanor stalked into the vast dining room. Her father rose in greeting but her mother stayed seated. She pecked her father on the cheek. "Dad could you give us a minute?"

"Of course darling."

Eleanor watched her father leave. He'd long ago removed himself from negotiations between mother and daughter. Neither ever won, and staying would put him in the same boat.

"Good morning Eleanor. Did you sleep well?" Margaret looked up from her breakfast with a smile.

"Like a dream, mother."

"Good. Join me?" Margaret gestured to the small buffet at the side.

"No thank you."

"Very well." Margaret resumed her breakfast.

"Quite clever, your trick with Caroline last night."

"Hmmmm?" Margaret looked up querulously.

"I won't go back and forth with you Mum. But what you've done, or tried to do, has not gone unmarked. So we can have a détente, and you can let me patch this up - with your agreement to treat Caroline with respect in all ways moving forward. Or we can start something neither of us wants to see finished."

"I've no idea what you mean, dear." Margaret looked up innocently.

"Very good then." Eleanor sighed. "This, I think, might be how we finally fall out, Mother. After all these years."

Margaret waved a hand. "You've said that kind of thing in the past. Don't be dramatic. It doesn't suit you."

"I know I have. And I've meant it. And you've found a way back to me, through the girls, or father, or Jonathan. But I don't see a way clear for you this time. You've gone all the way out of bounds, and I'm just too old to keep doing this. You've driven good women out of my life, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being someone I don't like when I'm around you, of having this great Achilles heel of incompetence when it comes to this." She gestured to the house and grounds. She shook her head at Margaret's disaffected stare, her auburn hair waving as the morning sun bounced off the high sheen on the great mahogany table in front of her.

"And frankly mum, Caroline's worth about six of you. So I'm going to try and make this right with her. I hope that I she'll let me. It's not her first instinct to trust, you of all people should recognize that trait in someone. So I think it'll be a tough bit of work for both of us. And I hope she's up to it." Eleanor looked down again, looked up and gazed for a moment about the dining room, a small smile on her face. "And you're going to lose another daughter. And if that can make you any smaller of a person, I don't possibly see how." Eleanor frowned at her mum with great sadness and a good deal of regret. She walked over, placed a kiss on her cheek, turned on her heel and walked out.

Margaret looked up in surprise. She followed Eleanor out with her eyes, dark brown and sharp, Eleanor hoped she was seriously assessing her daughter and their conversation.

* * *

As they packed, Caroline orbited each other silently, until there was a knock at the front door.

Eleanor appeared at the entrance to the master, clearly abashed. "Ah, it seems my father's come around to chat."

Caroline tilted her head down, and followed her into the sitting room. She favored George, whom she did already consider with some affection, with a tight smile.

"Caroline." George nodded in greeting. "Ellie was up at the house this morning. I believe she had a discussion with her mother about something that transpired last night. And I think perhaps Margaret has been up to her tricks. To predictable result." Hands clasped behind his back, he looked down.

"I'm not quite sure what the lay of the land is here, Mr. Strathclyde - George."

He nodded and stepped over toward the couch. He gestured for Caroline to sit opposite, which she did.

"Ellie hasn't given too many details, but from those she has, I gather that Margaret has done something which she deems clever and the rest of the world cruel." He gave Caroline an apologetic look.

"Caroline I'd like you to know something about my daughter." He looked up at Eleanor who stood off to the side, working hard to maintain a sense of confidence. "She is many, many things. But none of them resemble the callous nature her mother can affect. I won't tell you what to think, and this is between the two of you. But I'm going to ask you to give her the benefit of the doubt."

Caroline nodded. "Alright."

"Good." George stood. He leaned over and kissed Caroline's cheek. He looked over to Eleanor who seemed smaller than usual - but she smiled back at him with a great deal of love in her eyes. She would not yet look at Caroline.

"For what it's worth, young lady," he turned on the way out, his eyes twinkling at Caroline as he addressed her, before he inclined his head to Eleanor. "She's quite smitten. And I think Margaret's none too keen about that. And we're not all like my wife, in this family. I think you can see that for yourself."

Eleanor walked him out and returned, shutting the door behind her.

Caroline stood at the couch, expression a million miles away and posture stiff. Head tilted she followed Eleanor across the room with her eyes as she walked toward the master suite. Eleanor returned her look but said nothing.

She paused at the door to the suite, hand on the frame. "I'll be ready in the next ten minutes and we can head home."

"Okay."

"Okay."

* * *

They loaded the car in silence. Caroline was a proper mess of confusion. She had come around to believing Eleanor, or at least believing that Eleanor had done her best by Caroline. But at this point, when so much had passed between them, she had no idea how to right the ship. She didn't know where to start.

She'd finally gotten a text back from William, whom she had called and texted first thing in the morning. In her message she'd been solicitous, but made it clear to William that she'd be down by mid-afternoon. _'OK Mum see you then,'_ came the response.

 _'Whatever it is, he must be suffering terribly. I can't imagine. I can't. What couldn't he tell me? William what's happened?'_

Caroline and Eleanor both spent the entire ride back to Harrogate encased in their own turbulent thoughts and very still. Occasionally one of them would snuffle and quickly turn her head toward the window. It hadn't been an angry silence. It had been worse than that.

Finally, Eleanor pulled to a stop in Caroline's drive. They both sat for a moment, Eleanor hands on the steering wheel, staring blankly forward and Caroline with her hands in her lap, eyes cast downward.

"Let me help you with your things." Eleanor unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her door.

"Okay."

Silently they shuttled Caroline's luggage into the entry. They'd returned much earlier than expected, and the Buttershaw clan was still in Halifax. Caroline had texted with Gillian to ask if they could keep Flora while she went to Oxford, that she would not be returning until very late that evening, perhaps early the next morning. The house was still, empty and silent.

Eleanor turned at the doorway, hands jammed into her trouser pockets and tears in her eyes that she blinked back. "I've only ever done my best by you Caroline. You'll believe that or you won't." She held Caroline's eyes, also bright and shining, by the force of her will. "And I do love you. Madly. And that will either be enough or it won't."

Caroline looked down and nodded, her own tears of frustration at Eleanor and fear for William and what she might learn at Oxford spilling over and falling to the ground. _'This is such a mess. I feel again as if I'm fraying at the edges, that things are out of control – again. And that I have no idea how to put them right - what I want, what I need, is out of reach. Or just too hard. Just as when John left, Kate left, mum left, all of them just leaving me to figure everything out on my own. Walking out and assuming that I can just handle whatever they dish out. Assuming that because I don't go to pieces over every little thing, because I've saved them over and over when they were too weak to do the hard thing, or needed someone reliable, that I won't ever be the one who breaks first.'_

Her shoulders shook and her head remained bowed as she began to cry in earnest.

* * *

Eleanor was gutted to see Caroline's pain. Watching her struggle, she felt it ricochet through her own body. She knew the only way to ever stop it for herself would be to hold Caroline until it was right. But what would be the result? Eleanor felt unsure. She felt the stakes here were higher than those she'd wagered before. During the drive, as she'd tried to put herself in Caroline's shoes, she began to understand that this probably wasn't about her – Eleanor. It was, in fact, about Caroline. It wasn't about whether she could trust Eleanor, or if she were worthy of Caroline's trust and love.

It was about whether or not Caroline trusted herself – that she'd made the right choice with Eleanor. It was about whether or not Caroline believed enough in herself to know that she'd selected a partner who was trustworthy. And it wasn't about whether or not Eleanor loved her, conceptually – it was about whether or not Caroline believed, or could come to believe again, that love and trust were ever actually going to be freely given, no-strings attached, stable, and reliable pieces of her life that wouldn't be taken away when things got hard, or used as tool against her.

This wasn't about Eleanor. At the very bottom of all of it, this was about Caroline and her fear. So then, was it right to go to her? Or was it right to let her figure this out on her own, to come to Eleanor on her own? To force her to actually, finally, ask for help?

 _'Eleanor do you really think trying to force Caroline into anything is ever going to be the right answer?'_

She stepped forward and pulled Caroline tightly into her arms. She placed her hand over her head as it came to rest on her shoulder. Caroline sobbed. Eleanor closed her eyes and kissed her hair. "I'm sorry. I am so _so_ sorry. But this is all going to be alright. William will be alright. He will. I promise you it will. I promise you, Caroline."


	37. Chapter 37

"Text when you're home? Call if you – need – want – to?" Eleanor looked past Caroline rather than at her, and toward the Jeep. Both women were still sore and tender with spent tension.

Caroline nodded. "Yes. Thank you." Her eyes were still rimmed with red and her expression humble. She gave Eleanor another hug, absent the words and hoping gestures might fill in, and opened the door to the Jeep. "I'll be glad to have this time – to collect myself."

The air had cleared between them while Caroline collected herself for the drive, but it had not warmed considerably. Caroline wondered if she'd let her anger, her recalcitrance, go too far. Do too much damage to their fledgling sprout of a relationship.

Eleanor nodded. "Drive safely. And - I hope it goes - as well as can be expected with William."

"Thank you."

"I - well. Just - drive safely."

Caroline closed her eyes, face in Eleanor's hair. She whispered, barely audible. "I love you."

Eleanor's chest hitched. "Love you back."

"Okay then." Caroline firmed her grasp and tensed, smiled and closed the door to the Jeep.

Eleanor nodded again. Caroline watched in the side mirror as she headed to the Land Rover, waited and waved as pulled away without a glance at the Jeep.

* * *

 _'What could have possibly happened? Why wouldn't he tell me? What couldn't he tell me? That Strathclyde woman mentioned a girl…'_

Caroline's internal monologue continued as she ticked off logical 'girl problems' in her head and followed each to their unhappy but likely conclusions. By the time she reached Oxford she'd put together some of the most likely scenarios and begun to firm her resolve.

The sky was swirling grey and autumn was previewing in full, wind consistent and trees swaying. Leaves covered fading grass.

It was quiet, midday on a Sunday, but students still circulated and the energy of the place remained unchanged to her. The geography was eternally familiar, but time had blurred the edges in her mind. Nostalgia warmed her heart as she made her way up Woodstock and searched for a spot near William's flat.

* * *

Resigned to the fact that telling his mum the full story of spring's events was unavoidable, William felt a lifting of some of the weight he carried, even as he waited. An inevitability took hold and engendered freedom and lit an anger he'd been previously unaware of. He embraced it as a welcome change from sadness. But he smiled as he greeted her and accepted a hug so strong it was suffocating. He admitted to himself that no matter his age, perhaps a hug from his mum would always be the most comforting feeling on earth. He couldn't help but also feel that perhaps things would be okay, in the end.

"William." Caroline took him by his shoulders and examined him fully, her familiar blue eyes dissecting all aspects of his person, inside and out.

"Mum." He met her eyes for a while before looking down and turning. "Come through, then."

They made their way through a small entry and upstairs to his shared suite. The common kitchen was predictably but not excessively messy. A flat mate waved and smiled and Caroline waved back. Introductions seemed unnecessary at the moment.

* * *

William's room had a definite feel of a very recent tidy. Caroline felt sure that opening a closet door would be revelatory. William had never been overly fastidious, but mess was not his natural state. 'He's struggling.'

He'd dragged a second armchair in. Caroline unwrapped her scarf and overcoat, draped it on the chair opposite William's at the window. She sat and he followed suit. The silence was heavy.

"First of all – William – are you okay? I mean, like, as of right now, are you okay?" He would tell her everything, now that she was here.

"Yes, Mum. I think I am."

"Alright. Good. So I'll just start with what I know, and you can fill in what's missing?" Caroline was stern but certainly not unkind.

William nodded.

"To be quite honest, it's very little. But I know that something requiring condolences happened with, or between, you and a girl this spring. I know that someone thought it was something that might be preferred kept secret. And I know that your summer was very, very difficult. Am I on the right track?"

He nodded again.

"So then this would be your part."

William sat back and exhaled.

"Just start at the beginning. It will get easier as you go. I promise."

He ran his hands through his hair. "Her name was – is – Annie. We'd been friends, had classes together, since we were freshers. We knew - know a lot of the same people. That is, we ended up together quite a lot, and I think that we had, you know, become good friends. We got on well."

Caroline nodded, eyes never leaving William and certainly with no intention to interrupt until he'd had a chance to expel the entire tale and the troubles that came with it.

"Last February – there was a party. It was themed, it was for Valentine's day."

'Ah.' Dominoes quickly lined up and tumbled in Caroline's head.

"I suppose, perhaps, you can see where this part of the story goes."

Caroline's pony tail swung down to her shoulder as she nodded and leaned forward, elbows on her jeans and hands clasped together as she looked at her trainers.

"Well, it was late March when she came to me." William went away for a moment.

She saw him buckle, a little, recalling what she could imagine was a very angry, sad, and shocking conversation that would change his life forever. Perhaps tucked in the corner of the noisy and oblivious dining hall. Perhaps under blossoms on a bright spring day. Perhaps in this very room.

Caroline got up, smiled at him quickly, grabbed a box of tissues from the desk. She offered one to him and he accepted, before sitting back down with the box. She blew her nose and swiped at her eyes, nodding for him to continue.

"It's alright William. Really. I'm sorry to be a mess already."

"It's okay, Mum." He snuffled and blew his own nose. "So, she came to me in March. She was pregnant. She'd done a test. A few tests." He looked out the window. "We were both dazed. In a shock, you know. For a few days. We didn't say much to each other, just kept turning up together and sitting in silence. Like if we waited it might all of it go away. Or something."

"No such luck." Caroline could not help her sharp tongue, but her tone was soft.

"Yeah. So we talked about things. You know, options. She wasn't sure if she wanted to keep it. I wasn't sure – what I wanted, you know, or wanted for her. But that didn't really matter, it was her decision in the end. But I – I. Ummm, it's not that I don't want to be a father. But mum, you know, not now. I couldn't. It was overwhelming. I felt like my head was full of cotton. It was all I could think about, but the more I thought about it the more I couldn't think about it clearly at all. I was just paralyzed."

He blew his nose again and was clearly catching momentum in his tale as the relief of telling, the act of saying the words always giving perspective to a magnitude of pain.

"So she said she wanted to tell her parents. And I said, yeah, yes, of course. You should tell them. You know, if that's what you want to do. That's the right thing. Of course."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Caroline's posture tensed by a millimeter and she tried not to plead with her eyes. Possibly to no real success.

William nodded vigorously. "Well I was going to, you know, after she spoke to her parents. I suppose, you know, that I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. I knew you'd be disappointed. So disappointed. That was the worst of it. I mean, I knew you'd understand, at the end of it all, but I just knew how disappointed you'd be. And sad, mum. You've had enough sadness. I thought I could handle it. Like a man, you know, a real man. Not like dad. Not like some sod who came and laid all his troubles at your door and waited for you to fix them all. And I was - handling it. I am handling it."

"Oh William. I feel as if I've really, really let you down. It's my job. It's my main job, it's my biggest responsibility, to be here for you. Always. No matter what happens, no matter how old you are, no matter what's happening on my end." 'Just handling it all himself. Just like his mum. Won't ask for help, no matter what.'

He nodded again. "Well she told her parents. And they were livid. Just, like, completely livid. They're first generation from India and they hadn't wanted her at Oxford in the first place – they're – like – religious. Anyway, this was almost April, now, nearing end of term. But they pulled her out of University. They didn't really give her a choice, just told her it was home or nothing. And we both, I mean, neither of us was ready for that. To make a go of it together. We – it's not as if we were in love." He looked down, clearly ashamed.

"Okay. I mean I get it. I totally get it. I might've done the same, in their shoes."

"Yeah, probably." William worried his tissue and studied the floor. "So she left. She was gone. One day she was here, you know, and then she was gone." His voice become rough and he trailed off.

"I'm sorry." Caroline was becoming increasingly anxious about the outcome. Whether there was a little William running around she'd no idea even existed. Joy and terror were at loggerheads.

"Well it was for the best. That she went home, I suppose. Because, ummm. Because about three weeks later." William was struggling visibly now, as the story came to a close and his emotions peaked. "Because she lost the baby. It wasn't, umm, it wasn't because anything, really. She lost it, was all. I guess that happens."

He took a ragged breath and continued. "At least you know that's what she said happened. And I believe her. I mean, there's no reason she'd lie. So that was that. And it was over. And then term was over. And I just didn't even know what to do with all of it. It all happened, and then all of a sudden it was as if it had never happened. It was unreal but there was still this aftershock. And then I came home. I – I didn't know what to say. Or where to start. I just, I thought it would get better on its own. But it didn't. And the more time that passed, the harder it was to say something."

Caroline nodded as her son's actions, his approach to those closest to him, again echoed her own. Carrying something that you desperately wanted to share but had no idea how to unload on the people you loved. 'You never stop seeing yourself in them, do you?'

"We can do this together, William." She blew her nose a final time and straightened in her chair. Now she was in familiar territory – now was action and dealing with consequences and forward. "I'm glad you finally told me. I'm glad this isn't a secret between us. Because it wasn't all your dad's weakness that did me in. Because we're all of us weak, at some point. I mean, sure, yes, he was pretty spineless, when it came to it."

She smiled and gestured with her tissue. Her anger at John, and the collateral damage he continued to dish out got the better of her tongue. "But you know it was the lies. It was the lies he kept between us, that really really did it in the end. Lies, they poison things. They create great chasms between people, and sometimes they're just too big to cross. I don't want to have a chasm between us, William."

"Me neither mum." He shook his head. "I'm glad you know now. I'm so, so sorry it all happened, sorry for what I've done. And I'm sorry for Annie, most of all. Because I don't think she's going to be the same. And I don't know how to make up for that. I don't know how to make it right. Because I'm just going to keep going, and I don't know, I don't know how I'm going to be at the end of it all. But I think it's harder on her. And I wish it weren't. That's not fair. I don't know what my responsibility is here, my atonement."

Caroline stood as tears she thought she'd finished renewed. She opened her arms, because she needed to hold her son as much as she instinctively knew he needed to be held.

"Oh my good, good, _strong_ boy. Where in the world did we go right with you? How did you go so right? How am I so lucky?"

William sobbed. Sometimes kindnesses cut sharpest at the shame. "I love you mum. I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm sorry."

"William I love you so much. From the day you were born until the day I die, you will be the thing I love the most, and the most amazing thing I've ever done."

He nodded, face in her shoulder, and held on to her more tightly.


	38. Chapter 38

_'What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Just call up her family? 'Oy, hi - Caroline Dawson here – my son, your daughter – yes well, so sorry.'_

She leaned her elbow and cradled her head against the car door as she sped home. The fuel light blinked on.

 _'Shit. Right.'_

She'd been intent on arrival on the way to Oxford that she'd delayed stopping. Now it was late, dark, and unavoidable. She pulled off the M40 and into the station. She fueled up and pulled into spot at the café attached. She piled out of the car, crooked her purse in her elbow and clicked the alarm. _'Coffee. Tea. Whatever.'_

She ordered an earl grey and made her way to a plastic table near the windows. Her tea was scalding and she sat expressionless waiting for it to cool. No one surrounded her at half seven on a Sunday at a random motor stop. The quiet was disconcerting, leaving her alone with the events of the past day, weeks, months. She worried at a napkin in her lap and listened to the buzz of the fluorescent lights.

Cars pulled in and out. People came through and left. Caroline sat and mused, tears at one moment and smiles at the next. It had been 20 minutes before she noticed her tea, half-drunk, had gone cold. "Right then." She stood, collected her purse and herself and made her way back to the Jeep.

* * *

"Oh. Wow." Gillian's eyebrows raised and she made a face at Robbie, pulled the phone away and mouthed _'holy shit.'_

"Caroline – I – I'm sorry."

"Well yeah. Yeah. That's the whole of it. And what I'm really at loose ends about is that the fuck is supposed to happen next?"

"And you think I'm the go-to for this sort of thing?" Gillian turned back to the sink and the dishes, phone crooked at her shoulder.

"No. I think you're the 'I have no idea what the hell is going on, I can't do worse than Gillian's advice' go-to."

"Ah. Well then. Pressure's off." Gillian looked at the window and the reflection in the winter dark. "Honestly this 'innit exactly in my wheelhouse, you know. But I 'spose I'd leave it up to William. Not that you can't, you know, push him here 'n there. But honestly Caroline I think you keep your nose out of it." She looked over to Alan and Celia nodding off on the couch. "Not that you'll take my third rate advice."

* * *

"Gillian I wouldn't have bothered to call if I considered your advice third rate." Caroline watched the cars roll by in the southbound lane, headlights fracturing on the windshield.

"Mmmm. OK. Anyway. Flora's good. Your mum's good but her stomach's bothering her."

Caroline frowned. "It's been bothering her. She's an appointment on Monday to have it all checked."

"Good then."

"Yes. Well."

The conversation stalled out and Caroline was too exhausted to keep it moving.

* * *

"You alright, then?" Gillian had finished the dishes and was drying her hands. She stepped over to the kitchen table and sat, forefingers and thumb rubbing against her forehead.

"I'm good. I'm fine. Yeah. Not really sure about things right now."

"OK." Gillian wasn't sure what to say. Maybe she didn't need to say anything. Sometimes Caroline just needed to talk at someone, rather than with someone.

"Thanks. Gillian. Really. I think I just needed to talk."

"Sure."

* * *

"Thanks for keeping Flora tonight." Caroline placed a smile on her face.

"Yeah. Yeah. All good here. She and 'Lam are really starting to strike it up."

"Mmm. That's got to be a handful." Caroline gave a genuine smile.

The conversation lagged again, but Caroline appreciated having Gillian on the other end of the line. Realized how she'd come to count on it, actually.

"Thanks, then, Gillian."

"Ya. Sure. And Caroline – really, that's a rough patch there with William. Sorry."

"Yep." Caroline nodded. "Thanks."

"Yeah. Have a good trip home."

"Will-do. Bye bye."

"Ta."

Caroline barreled on toward home, leaving behind something broken and headed onward toward more of the same.


	39. Chapter 39

"Zoe can you stay a minute? I want the whole of us in on this one."

After a few hours with the girls, dinner, and desert involving chocolate ice cream, Eleanor's nerves finally settled. She started the dishwasher and wandered into the living room, where the girls and Zoe were absorbed in various passions. June looked up from the table where she'd been studying, Lily from the couch where she'd been composing in garage band on her ipad. The girls had marked Eleanor's change in demeanor when it came to Caroline. This morning when she'd returned, but before that, as they'd watched the two get close. Certainly they had less an idea the outcome, but felt the shift in the dynamic nonetheless. There were unsure of what that meant in the adult world, and therefore for them. They were of course anxious for their mother to address it, and she was ready.

"So - I wanted to talk about - Caroline." Eleanor knew where to begin, but not exactly.

Zoe, June, and Lily all sat in a row on the couch, facing Eleanor in the arm chair. They were similarly cross legged and all equally expectant.

"Mum we can tell you really like her." June smiled and leaned forward, face full of swooning teenage girl.

"It's pretty obvious. You two are cute." Lily joined in, her face serious with the weight of the information she conveyed.

"Well, yes I do - like her very much. I've come to really enjoy spending time with her. And I think I need to tell her that, I think I need to be more available, I suppose. And I feel that's already started to impact the time I'm spending here, with you, and it might more, and I don't like that." Eleanor looked to the girls, then over to Zoe. "Zoe you've really been here for us – for me and for the girls. And I'm starting to feel like I'm taking advantage of that."

"I don't mind Eleanor. You know I don't." Zoe looked over to the girls, braid of her long black hair swinging, eyes twinkling through the bright red frames of her glasses. She'd been the best thing to happen to Eleanor, perhaps ever. She was like a second Mum to the girls - well, more like an eccentric aunt.

"But that's not the point. The point is that we're a team. It's how we've always been, it's how we've made it all this way, and right now I'm not pulling my weight. And I've started to make commitments to Caroline. Not – not in the traditional sense. More - just more commitments to her about who I might be in her life, down the road. If that happens. I think I mean for that to happen."

Zoe looked as though she were following, but the girls were plainly lost.

"What I'm saying is that I'm serious about Caroline. And I want to talk about bringing her on board, so to speak, with the rest of us." Eleanor gestured to the assembly.

June and Lily looked at each other. Eleanor could feel them rolling their eyes, though of course they wouldn't dare. They looked at Zoe and smiled. June looked back at Lily.

"Mum." Lily let out a huff. "We kind of saw this coming. So we did talk about it a little bit." Lily, pious, looked back over at Zoe and June again, then over to Eleanor, who was trying her very best not to smile at Lily's earnest nature.

"June and I really like her. I mean, we have known her forever. And she's kind of mean, at school, but she's always really nice too. And really nice to us. And you." Lily paused – another glance back at her comrades to confirm she was still accurately relaying the consensus. "So we think that would be really great."

Eleanor smiled. The 'team' had started as a sort of joke among her, June, and Lily, when the girls had been much younger. She'd been desperate for a way to bring them back together after Emma left, and a way to bind them in the face of the emotional and sometimes even more difficult logistical problems to come. It had stuck, and when Zoe had come around, they'd 'officially' inducted her as a way of transferring authority and eventually love into the relationship with the Strathclyde girls.

"I'm so glad girls. I really am. I think she's going to be a good thing here, if I can convince her of that." Eleanor smiled broadly.

Zoe smiled back. "Eleanor I'm really happy for you – about this ." She inclined her head to the girls. "They are too. You're a little different, these days, you know."

"I won't even ask. But I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should."

"So mum, what's the deal? Can Caroline come over now lots more, and bring Flora too? She's soooo cute. I mean I would love to babysit or something." June's big green eyes were wide and dreamy. "It's not like I have any kind of life to speak of, keeping up with school." She slouched dramatically back against the couch.

Eleanor smiled. "I hope it will mean that. And I think it might mean me staying over there too, sometimes. You girls are old enough now, I expect you can start handling yourselves for a few hours here and there?"

"Oh Mum. Seriously? As though you're worried about us – what – not doing our homework or throwing some stupid party?" This time Lily did roll her eyes, and Eleanor shot her a warning glare.

Lily made a contrite face. "Sorry. But _seriously_. Mum."

"I trust you girls completely. But I think maybe we'll keep asking Zoe to pitch in?"

"Of course Eleanor. And you're right about the girls. I'd say they do more of keeping me in line."

"Oh no Mum really, you ought to hear her on the phone sometimes. She's an absolute idiot when it comes to girls. Even I know better than half the things she says." June looked at Zoe in complete exasperation.

"She's my official advice column." Zoe smiled at the die-hard romantic of the family.

"OK it's settled then. Caroline's in, if she'll have us. Full rights and responsibilities. Equal time and equal share of the load." Eleanor stood. "Thanks, ladies."

The girls exchanged fist bumps on the couch with Zoe.

Lily was droll as she returned to garage band on the iPad. "It did take you long enough, Mum."

"Enough from you, or you'll be in charge of dinner for the rest of the week, young miss."

June interjected. "Oh no Mum I'm making dinners. I want to try something I had over at Lannie's house the other night. It was awesome."

Eleanor nodded. "Alright. Lily - keep it together."

Eleanor gestured for Zoe to join her upstairs.

* * *

"So it was a real knock-down with mother, and then with Caroline this weekend. And on top of it something's going on with her son William. I have no idea what it's about, but Caroline's gone down to Oxford this afternoon to see him." Eleanor had relayed the highlights of additional events of the weekend to Zoe as she unpacked her luggage.

Zoe stood, arms crossed, at the foot of the bed. "Eleanor that sucks. I'm sorry."

"Yes. Well, we left it alright, but the water's a little cool right now."

"She seems like kind of a tough nut to crack."

"That's an understatement. We're not exactly easy, either one of us."

"Also an understatement." Zoe grinned. "What? You're not the most approachable person all the time. That's all."

"Hmmm. I suppose you might have a point." Eleanor tucked her bag into the closet and slid the door shut.

"It's a miracle you two have made it this far. Really, Eleanor, she's outlasted anyone and it doesn't look like she's going anywhere anytime soon." Zoe gave her a 'tell me I'm wrong' face.

"I hope not." Eleanor crossed her own arms and kept her doubts to herself. "Speaking of. Zoe do you mind staying with the girls tonight?"

"No that's cool. I had a suspicion you might want to head over." Zoe's face was open and earnest. "Sounds like she had a rough go today."

"Rather. I'd like to be there for her. If I can. If she wants me."

"Totally."

"I'll stay for dinner, until the girls head off to bed. I'll let them know you'll be here, but I'll be back first thing to get them to school."

"That works. I can head into the office from here. You know I basically have a second wardrobe in the guest room, so no worries."

"Thanks Zoe. And you know it's not the guest room – it's your room."

"Right." Zoe smiled as they headed back downstairs.


	40. Chapter 40

Caroline's face lifted into an unexpected smile as she pulled into the drive to see Eleanor's Land Rover. 'She's here?' She parked adjacent and paused. She closed her eyes, relieved and fatigued. She checked herself in the rear view. _'At least it's dark and late. Eleanor's probably already sleeping.'_

She poured herself out of the Jeep, grabbed her bag. The house was dark but the porch and entry lights were on. A warmer welcome than she'd anticipated and her spirits rose further. Tired as she was, she was excited to see Eleanor. The distance between them had underlined her dour mood on the long drive home. She wanted to close that gap. She snuck in the front, unwrapped her scarf, hung her coat, and deposited her bag.

An unfamiliar new mix of feelings passed through her, knowing that Eleanor was upstairs, waiting in her room. In her bed. As though she belonged there, had some claim to ownership. _'Well you did give her a bloody key. And don't lie to yourself, Caroline. You're more than a little – happy? Yes, happy about it. Because it gives you a claim over Eleanor, too. If you want it.'_ Feeling the interminable horror of a day become a little less horrible knowing Eleanor would be in her bed at the end of it - Caroline wanted it. Every night, maybe. If she were honest.

She slipped off her shoes and snuck into the downstairs loo. Momentarily she made her way up. She held her breath and opened the door to the master, preparing to see a woman, Eleanor, sleeping alone in her bed.

Eleanor was sacked out completely, spread almost cross-wise. _'I think she'd rather gotten used to sleeping alone.'_ She navigated by weak moonlight and memory, hanging her clothes over the armchair. She slipped under the sheets and letting need override discomfort at their rough parting, wound herself into Eleanor, who smiled and wrapped her arms around Caroline.

"Mmmmmmm you're back." Eleanor smiled and did not open her eyes. She was totally pajama'd up, cotton button down shirt and matching pants. Caroline had become familiar with her many sets - slug over chairs, bed posts, and picking them up off the floor in the morning.

"I am. This was a nice surprise." Caroline lay quietly, comfortably snugged in, arms around Eleanor and eyes already closing.

Eleanor grasped Caroline's arms tightly around her. "I missed you."

Caroline smiled against her back and kissed her shoulder.

Darkness ticked on. Caroline shifted. Eleanor shifted.

"I'm having a hard time finding my sleep again," whispered Eleanor.

"Sorry I woke you." Caroline kissed her neck.

"That's not helping."

"Sorry." She kissed her neck again.

"Are you?"

"No." Caroline sighed, exhausted.

"Do you want to talk?" Eleanor squeezed her hand.

"No. I do. But I'm too tired now." In her sadness she ached for Eleanor physically. To feel connection and oblivion, to forget her hurt over William, to be comforted. Within that sadness, she was afraid to ask for what she wanted. Her loneliness made her vulnerable.

Eyes still closed, Eleanor shifted slowly around under the sheet onto her back. She pulled Caroline up and under her arm. She kissed the top of her head softly and ran a hand over her hair.

Caroline kissed at her jawline. "Eleanor." _'I suppose I don't have to ask, exactly.'_

Eleanor smiled as Caroline came up over her and demanded her full attention. "I didn't want to push... mmmm ... okay." She trailed off as Caroline's insistent hands roamed.

 _'Please Eleanor. Make it better.'_ She wondered at her own emotions while Eleanor flowed confidently and skillfully under her now, as she sat back and undid the buttons of Eleanor's pajamas, pulled them off her arms and watched the moon filter onto her creamy skin and square shoulders. Wondered what is was about her and her skin and her body that affected her like this. Wondered what happened to her when Eleanor moved against her, on her, with her. How it could make her calm. Make her passionate. Make her centered, and make her completely off-balance. She wondered at how this woman was beginning to feel like an addiction - and a cure.


	41. Chapter 41

"So how was your weekend? Hate to say it Caroline but you look knackered."

"I feel it." She hung her jacket and Beverley handed her a mug of Ceylon, her preferred pick me up for just such mornings.

"Well, full boat today. Faculty Executive midday, you've a talk with the seniors in the afternoon about University applications, and then you finish up with Janet. She wants to talk about the Governor's quarterly. Wants to talk about Dr. Strathclyde. Apparently she's got a replacement candidate for her that she wants you to meet, a Diana Poole, from a school in Sheffield?"

"Of course Janet wants to talk." Caroline had let Janet Grisham, current board chair, know that Eleanor would be stepping down when she finished her term in December, to be formerly announced at the meeting next Monday. Janet was not at all pleased. Apparently the rest of the Board was similarly dissatisfied.

She donned her robes and walked back out of the office, Beverley in tow. They chatted on as the clatter of life in the school swelled on around them.

"You've the independent inspector's prospectus due at the end of the week, and the bursaries are still on the lag."

"Yep. Tell Kent that I'm still in carrot mode, but the stick is coming."

Caroline strutted on, notebook tucked at her elbow and Beverley at her side, sipping at tea that had finally cooled. She wished she could tap an artery directly. Her heels clacked above the din as they stepped into the portico.

"Janice Beardsley, absolutely no running!" Her voice rose and she gave a withering glance to the ten year-old, who abruptly stopped, abashed. "Thank you." She smiled and walked on.

"And I hate to bring it up, but you need to schedule a meeting with the family from Cayton that wants to enroll the two boys mid-year. They expected a meeting last week at the latest. Admissions has their nose way out of joint. They came highly recommended from Evan Crenshaw. I think that with the ability to pay full freight for two young boys, and a recommendation from a current Governor - who used to be chair - they regarded the interview with you as a formality."

"An interview with the head of school is never a formality." _'The last thing I want at this school is a very wealthy family from Cayton who are intimately familiar with Evan Crenshaw, passing God knows what gossip on to God knows who with the last name Strathclyde.'_

"Well you and I might know that, but I don't think they do."

"I'll be sure to impart that clearly. Schedule it for this week. Let's get it done." Declining the family might not please Evan, but it was already her inclination.

"Very good." Beverley took Caroline's mug as they arrived at the great hall. "See you in a bit." She nodded and headed off.

"Thank you." Caroline stepped through the double doors and proceeded up the aisle of the great hall. She never tired of people standing when she entered a room.

* * *

Caroline was glad to see her mum and Alan's ridiculous red car as she pulled in at home that afternoon. _'She better not have missed that appointment I scheduled.'_

She set her bag at the entry and shrugged off her coat. She was dying to lose the shirt. The high collar of the button down kept rubbing at her earrings. But she'd developed an anxiety over Celia and her indigestion, and instead of changing made her way directly through to the guest house.

She knocked as she opened the door. Celia and Alan were each absorbed in a book, Flora intent on a pile of multi-shaped blocks. "Hulloooo."

Celia looked up and smiled. "Ah. Hello then love." Alan smiled up and nodded. Flora piped in. "Hi. Hi Hi." She raised her arms and Caroline scooped her up, covered her with kisses, and set her back down.

"Thank you for taking Flora to Gillian's for the weekend."

"Was nothing, Caroline. She and Calamity are so close now. Kept each other mostly quiet the whole time." Alan smiled over and waved at Flora, who waved back with the hand not holding Caroline's.

"If you consider a constant low-level din 'quiet.'" Celia put down her book, rose, and came over to hug Caroline. "They're a joyous noise, those two."

"I can only imagine." Caroline looked down and smiled at Flora who looked up in mirrored response and began swinging Caroline's arm.

"Good trip home? Made it on time to see the doctor this morning?"

Celia remained quiet and Alan filled in. "Oh yes. No problem. Greg left just about an hour ago, had Flora with him while we went out."

"Good. Good. And how did it go, with the doctor?" Caroline gave Celia a loaded stare and a tight smile.

"Oh. Well. You know." Celia waved her hand.

"I don't know. Enlighten me."

Alan skirted the coffee table and took Flora's other hand. "I think we'll just pop into the house and see what other toys might be on offer for this one."

Caroline frowned as Alan and Flora departed. "Mum?"

"Can I fix you a cuppa tea, love?"

"No. You can tell me what's going on." Caroline's unease became concern.

"Well, have a seat then." Celia did so and Caroline sat with her knees touching Celia's on the adjoining couch. She leaned toward her mother, wearing what she intended to be an open expression as her own stomach churned.

"Okay. What's up?"

"I suppose, to start, they don't think it's indigestion." Celia tilted her head to Caroline.

"No shit, Sherlock. No one did mum, except you."

"Yes, Caroline, you were right. As usual. In any case, they don't think it's that, but they've given me a prescription for some antacid. They want me to come back for more tests, to make sure it's not an ulcer. And they also want to do a biopsy."

"A biopsy Mum? Oh." Caroline's face lost expression as she sat with the thoughts now racing through her head. "Okay. I see. Then. When do they want to do the tests? And the - "

"Later this week. I've an appointment for Thursday afternoon."

Caroline took her mother's hand. "Do you want me to come with you?"

Celia covered Caroline's hand in her own. "Oh no. It's fine. Thank you. Alan will be with me."

"Good. Okay." Of course Alan would go. Celia had someone like that. She looked into Celia's eyes, concerned and scared. She saw her own emotions reflected, the fear in her Mum looking so much the way she held her own. "How are you feeling today?"

Celia smiled. "Just fine dear. Just fine. Alan and I have had a very nice afternoon together, took a stroll on the high street in Harrogate before we got home. Flora's been very good." Celia stood, signaled an end to the intimate conversation. "I reckon we should see what mischief she and Alan have got up to."

"Mum." Caroline, kind but stern. "I'm worried about you. I love you. Don't leave me out of this, okay?"

Celia touched her arm. "Oh how could I, dear. Don't you worry about me."

"Okay." Caroline sniffed quietly as she followed her mother into the main house, Celia searching for Alan's comfort, she for Flora's.


	42. Chapter 42

Caroline stripped off her shirt, leaned down and picked up her mobile as it buzzed on the duvet.

 _'Are you up for dinner later this week? The girls and I want to have you over. June plans to cook.'_

 _'I'd love it. Long week already.'_

 _'Sorry. Tell me if I can help.'_

 _'What night for dinner?'_

 _'Friday?'_

 _'Yep.'_

 _'Will you and Flora plan to stay over?'_

 _'Yep.'_

 _'Divine.'_

 _'Yep.'_

 _'xxx'_

 _'xo'_

She smiled and tossed the mobile back on the bed. She sat next to it and removed her heels. She stared blankly at the wall and worried about Celia.

* * *

"And how are you?" Eleanor sat at her desk, legs crossed and playing with the phone cord. She looked out over Harrogate toward where she knew Caroline sat at her desk, miles away at Sulgrave Heath. She wondered what power suit she'd donned that morning. Skirt and separate, or dress?

"Good. Fine. I'm _fine_. I'm worried."

"Of course you are. And I think you're probably less than fine. How's Celia?"

"She's good. She's fine. They'll know the results Monday. She seems calm about things. Alan's in pieces, but he's chin up about it for her."

"Of course he is. Alan is the most loveable man I've ever encountered."

* * *

Across town from Eleanor, Caroline stared out her window at the grey September sky. Leaves were piled in the quad, the annual week that the grounds crew was unable to keep up with their fall. "Yes he is, isn't he?" Caroline smiled in spite of herself, imagining Eleanor in her office. It had been cool that morning. _'She's got to be wearing some impossibly soft sweater today.'_

"You still good with dinner tonight?"

Caroline smiled. "Absolutely."

"Good. June's so nervous."

"No need. If she cooks half as well as you I'm in for a treat."

"She's better."

"Can't wait."

"6pm?"

"Perfect. See you then. Love you."

"Love you back."

* * *

Lily greeted Caroline at the door on Friday evening. "Hello – Caroline." She gave a small smile. "Hello Flora."

"Hi." Flora stood at the door, hand in Caroline's, and peered warily into the house.

Caroline squeezed her hand and looked down into her curious eyes. "Are you ready to join Eleanor and the girls for dinner, Flora?" She nodded her encouragement, hair clipped up in a twist over the collar of the faded chambray button down she wore.

"Yep."

"Good then. Let's go in and say hello."

"Okay."

Flora led Caroline in and past Lily. Caroline smiled. "Hello Lily. Thank you for having us over."

"Sure. We're excited. June's excited. She's been fussing over what to cook all week."

Lily followed as Caroline and Flora wandered through the dining room and into the kitchen where Flora finally smiled as she spotted her friend Eleanor, who turned and smiled back. Caroline handed her a bottle of wine and they exchanged a shockingly chaste, for the two of them, kiss.

"Hello Flora." Eleanor reached down for a high five, which was enthusiastically given.

"Hi. El. Hi. El." Flora rocked up and down on her toes.

Eleanor smiled down before looking up at Caroline, mouthing, "How is she that adorable?" She pointed down in an awestruck expression.

"Oh I know. You're not the only charmer in this kitchen right now." Caroline smiled and lifted Flora up to a stool at the island.

June finally turned from the stove. "Hello Caroline!"

"Hi. You look industrious."

"Absolutely. We're having Dijon roasted pork and spinach salad - and sherry shallot vinaigrette. With cavatappi. My favorite."

"Wow. I'm suitably impressed. Totally impressed." Caroline smiled and her stomach did as well.

"Thanks. Mom's recipes."

Eleanor smiled at June and winked over at Caroline. "Vastly improved for June's attentions."

* * *

"So, we're stoked that you finally brought Flora over with you. Like you've finally decided we're cool enough to hang out with her." Lily's expression was serious.

June smiled and nodded. "Totally."

Caroline was used to teenagers being very forward. Less used to them being so forward about her personal life. She set down her fork and took a drink of her red wine. "I don't think it was a matter of 'cool enough to hang out with you.' She made air quotes. "Maybe deciding more that we were cool enough to hang out with you."

Eleanor sat back, quiet.

"Whatever. You're cool. We like you." Lily, still serious but expression open.

"Well I'm glad to hear that." Caroline nodded and resumed her pasta. She leaned over to swipe an errant drop of sauce from Flora's chin with her napkin.

June dabbed her own napkin at her lips and put it down on the table. "So, I mean, did mom explain to you how this is all going to work? With the team?"

Caroline looked over to Eleanor, who only returned a reassuring smile.

"She neglected to do that." Thoroughly enjoying herself, she smiled indulgently at the two girls.

Eleanor leaned in to the table, glass of wine in hand. "I thought I'd leave it to you two."

"OK. Thanks Mum." Lily acknowledged Eleanor before continuing. "So we're a team, all of us. With Zoe. And we've voted you in."

Caroline was floored. She was totally unsure how to respond with enough enthusiasm, without overwhelming the sentiment; clearly this was momentous for the household. Clearly she'd been assessed and accepted, not just by Eleanor, but by her teenage daughters. The feeling of belonging was almost heartbreaking.

She smiled broadly and laid a hand on her chest. "Thank you June, thank you Lily. I'm beyond honored. Can I assume this means Flora, as well?"

"Definitely!" June smiled and Lily nodded.

"And can I ask, since teams usually imply shared rights and responsibilities, how I can be a contributing member?" Eyes lively, she tilted her head at Eleanor, who met her gaze, grinned, and let the girls keep talking.

"We're all just responsible to each other. That's how we work." Lily responded and June nodded in agreement.

"I think I can handle that."

"Good. Mum's awfully glad about it." June smiled between Caroline and Eleanor.

"I am quite glad about it." Eleanor stood, started clearing the table. She walked over to Caroline, bent and kissed the top of her head as she picked up her plate.

* * *

Eleanor stood shirtless at the bureau, removing her jewelry. Head tilted and working on an earring, she looked at Caroline through the mirror. _'Bringing files to bed already? On a Friday night? I must be losing my touch. I suppose she needs a vivid reminder of what beds are for.'_

Caroline spoke from the bed, eyes glued to her files. "Well Janet Grisham gave me an earful on Monday afternoon. About Evan making noise. About you quitting the Board."

"Mmmm hmmmm. I wondered when the chatter would start."

"She told me we're making a mistake." Caroline looked up, expression stern, over the rim of her readers.

"I can imagine they're upset. I'm an asset. _'Seriously. How does she do that…. that headmistress look…. Okay maybe files in bed aren't the worst idea ever…'_ "But I've got my replacement hand-picked. You're absolutely going to fall in love with Diana. She's twice as qualified as I am and twice as smart. I'm leaving you and the board in good hands."

Eleanor shimmied out of her skirt. "Now. Enough about all of that."

* * *

Caroline calmly removed her glasses. _'Damn. The garters again. Oh and with the heels. How is it that's exactly how I pictured her while I was supposed to be paying attention while Dean Jacobson prattled on this afternoon?'_ She began to regret her decision to catch up on work and laid the files aside primly.

Eleanor's smile in return was dazzling. "Now that's much better. You can't possibly know how it feels, Caroline, to have you more interested in silly pieces of paper than your adoring girlfriend."

"Files in bed are not a mistake I intend to repeat any time soon."

Eleanor slipped out of her heels and slid under the covers. "It's a mistake you should never repeat. Now exactly how sorry are you?"

"Oh terribly."

* * *

Caroline woke to the sounds of Lily and June whispering and giggling in the hallway as they passed the master and clomped downstairs. Eleanor, apparently quite used to it, breathed softly and steadily at her side.

She gently reached over for her phone. By the morning light she placed it about 7am. It was almost 7.30. 'Off we go.'

Eleanor rolled toward Caroline, wrapping her arm around her midsection, face in her side.

"Eleanor - " Caroline ran a hand gently over her hair.

"No."

"Yes. Good morning."

"No."

"Yep."

"More."

"I'd like to be flattered but I think you're referring to sleep."

Eleanor smiled and began clumsily kissing at Caroline's side, eyes closed and slowly making her way up and over her chest. She arrived at Caroline's throat and finally opened sleepy brown eyes. "Always more of you."

"When can we get an entire day all to ourselves? I don't want to have to tell you to stop." Caroline's thoughts were flooded with all the charges in her life.

Eleanor laid a hand at Caroline's bare, freckled chest and sat up. "Hey you. Come back to me. Right here."

Caroline returned and smiled into Eleanor's eyes. "Yes. Right."

"Are you leaving straight away for Oxford this morning?"

"Yep. Well, no. I'm dropping Flora with Greg and Jenny at the house. Then onward. William's expecting me for lunch."

"I'm glad you're going. I know he'll be glad to see you."

"I rather think he will. We talk more often now. He used to be rather monosyllabic once he settled in to being a University man. No time for coddling mum and all. But I think he's been lonely."

"Boys will always need their mums."

Caroline smiled and nodded and pulled Eleanor up over her. "I know I've said this before – but last night – all of it – was wonderful."

"Mmmmmm."

"Eleanor the girls are a miracle."

"They are, aren't they?" Eleanor turned over to her back, laid an arm over her forehead. "I don't really believe it. I keep waiting for them to turn on me."

"Don't tempt fate."

Eleanor crossed her fingers and smiled.

"OK I'm up. I'm moving." Caroline ordered herself up, stood and walked into the en-suite, turned on the shower.

* * *

Eleanor turned her head and smiled over at the door, listening to Caroline shuffling.

Flora chose that moment to stir. Eleanor looked over at the monitor. She was standing at the edge of the crib. "Hi. Hi. Hi."

Eleanor laughed. _'Who's she talking to?'_

She got out of bed and shrugged into her robe. She headed in to grab Flora and see if breakfast might be a thing she'd agree to with her new best friend.

* * *

"Thanks for your hospitality, ladies. We've quite enjoyed it – haven't we Flora?"

"Yep." Flora copied the tight smile that accompanied Caroline's affirmatives.

The three Strathclyde girls were lined up by height at the entry, in what seemed to be their natural formation. June stepped forward and handed Caroline a tupperware of dinner leftovers. "It'll keep until Monday, if you want it for lunch."

Caroline smiled. "Sounds good. I'll look forward to it. Thank you June."

"And thank you, Lily."

"You're welcome Caroline. We're glad to have you on the team."

Caroline gave a two fingered salute. "Still honored."

Eleanor walked them out to the Jeep and lifted Flora into the car seat as Caroline watched and smiled at the new friendship that had kindled between the two. She snuck behind Eleanor and the door before she closed it, grabbed at the lapels of her cardigan and gave her with a long kiss full of nasty intention.

She pulled back abruptly as she sensed Eleanor's growing distraction and smiled mischievously. "Do you miss me yet?"

"Right now? With every cell in my body."

"Good." Caroline patted her shoulder and stepped back.

Eleanor turned, rolled her eyes, and closed the car door. "Drive safely, Caroline."

"Yep."


	43. Chapter 43

William was in much better spirits as Caroline spent more and more time with him. His academic schedule kept him much too busy to dwell, and it seemed that unburdening himself had done the trick it usually did, providing perspective and the relief of the lessening of a load that he no longer had to shoulder alone.

They walked hand in hand down Catte street to the Bodleian, where Caroline had every intention of snapping a pic of the Strathclyde bust for strategic use in the future. They made a good time of it, William coaching her in taking a fantastic selfie, Sir Strathclyde draped in Caroline's scarf. She got a good one of William beside him, a replica of the bust's dour countenance on his own face.

They laughed and walked on to The Chequers on the high street, which was terrible, but nostalgic for Caroline and a perfect spot to blend into the world and chat casually. It was bustling when they arrived and they jostled through for a table. Caroline felt someone bump abruptly into her back and turned around, eyes lit. "Excuse me?"

"Terribly sorry. Crowded in here. Couldn't help it." A tall woman in flats had a good three inches on Caroline in heels. Her close cropped doe brown hair fell over her brown eyes. She pushed up the glasses that fallen to the bridge of her nose and smiled apologetically.

Caroline's ire slackened. "No harm done." She paused as she actually looked at the woman for the first time and her eyes widened. "Jackie?" _'My god she's just as striking as she was twenty-five years ago. More so.'_

The woman narrowed her big brown eyes and studied Caroline, lingered unselfconsciously on her eyes, as though the answer to her question would be found there, then finally on the blond hair that broke just at Caroline's shoulders. She smiled again with an open shyness that was clearly second nature. "Why, you're Caroline. Caroline – Dawson - wasn't it?"

"Yes." A memory shoved its way forward in Caroline's mind as Jackie said her name aloud. A dark pub, just like this one. Noisy and anonymous. A night that had included more than her fair share of pints. A choice to stay behind as all of her friends had moved on to the next pub. A long conversation with Jackie in a corner snug. A very hot kiss on a very cold night that made any other act of passion pale in comparison for years to follow.

"You broke my heart, Caroline Dawson."

William blushed, smiled, and placed his hand on Caroline's arm. "I'll just grab us a table – over – there. Take your time, then."

Caroline did not look at him really, nodded slowly, and turned the intensity of her full attention back to the intimate stranger. "Did I?"


	44. Chapter 44

"Why yes you did. You did break my heart. I remember that now. Huh." Jackie smiled and held out her hand to Caroline. "Well, you know it's very good to see you. After all these years. You look the same. But older."

Caroline took her hand with a warm smile and nodded. "You look absolutely the same." She was beginning to remember now Jackie's great bumbling shyness and intellectual intensity. The gangly but beautiful teddy bear of a woman who had unknowingly enchanted her two decades ago.

 _'You never get over your first time with a woman, Caroline.'_ Eleanor's words came back to haunt her as she stood, rooted, completely distracted by Jackie Lassiter's magical apparition at her feet. Not that it had been a 'first time' - with a woman - it had never gone that far. _'But I did want it to, didn't I? Wanted to do things I had no idea about – then.'_

Caroline quite uncharacteristically stared, off her game and off her guard. Never the social master, Jackie just stood in the uncomfortable silence and waited, absent grin on her face.

 _'God she's probably finishing a lit crit essay in her head right now. She's probably already totally somewhere else.'_ She savored her memories of the other woman. It was like tasting an ice cream flavor again that you'd loved long ago while traveling, at a restaurant you never expected to return to.

"Jackie what in the world are you doing here?" In Caroline's world things revolved around her; it did not occur to her that Jackie might wonder the same thing.

"Oh well I teach here of course. Not here. In the pub. That would be hilarious." Jackie laughed at her own joke. "At Oxford. St. Hilda's. I'm a literature professor. Tenured, finally." She tilted, gave a roll of her eyes over Caroline's shoulder, and touched her glasses again. "19th century English women writers, that's my bailiwick. You know, the Brontes of course. What most people think of. But I sneak a little Virginia Woolf in there for comparison, because I'm in love with her." She made a quick sneaking motion with her hand, coat draped over her forearm. "Well not her. Not her actual self. Of course."

 _'She's not even nervous. This is just her. Just her completely. She hasn't changed a bit.'_ Caroline smiled. "I should have guessed. You've loved Virginia Woolf since 1987. I remember when you first read Orlando. You went on and on about it for weeks. You even named your car Orlando, if I remember correctly?"

Jackie threw her head back and laughed heartily. "The old Citroen. So I did. Good memory, you!" As if out of the blue it seemed to strike her that it was odd to be talking to Caroline. She became seriously curious and looked down earnestly to meet Caroline's amused eyes. "Oh, so, then, why are you here?"

"My son – William – who sequestered a table over there on our behalf. He's at Trinity." Caroline gestured over and William waved, an indulgent smile on his face.

"Handsome fellow! Favors you. Trinity - good on him." Jackie gave an enthusiastic, toothy smile and waved.

"Yes. We're proud. I'm very proud."

"You and your husband then. Is he about? Love to meet him. Shake the hand that shook the hand, so to speak." Jackie laughed again at herself, at her attempt at a suggestive joke, which could never be so because of the ridiculous innocence that cloaked her.

 _'I might have – I think I might have used her badly.'_ Caroline's memory fired, unbidden. Jackie had long adored Caroline, she'd known that even then. Followed her about, 'like a puppy…' Eleanor's words for Emma surfaced.

She had led Jackie on terribly that second year, and that one night. Had dropped hints and used body language to suggest things she knew the woman would never deny her but would never initiate. Caroline had been the one to pull Jackie close that night, in a dark corner of the cold foyer of their hall. To kiss her in a way she'd wanted to all year but couldn't. Pulled her close, held her firmly, and let her hands roam inside Jackie's winter coat. Felt herself begin to melt into another woman and come alive in the heat of it.

"So – your handsome husband then – lurking about anywhere?" Jackie waved a hand in front of Caroline.

She snapped back and smiled up. "Ah. No, actually. We're divorced."

"Oh I'm sorry. What an idiot he must be."

"I'm afraid so." Caroline nodded, glanced over at William.

"Well of course you need to be going. It was something else to run into you, of all people. Here. Of all places." Jackie gestured with her coat.

"Yes. Indeed. Anyway – do you have a card, or something? Love to catch up sometime."

"Oh. Umm. Yes." The shy smile returned and she dropped her coat, bent to grab it and looked up at Caroline. "Still a bit clumsy."

"Yes I see that." Caroline offered her a hand up and Jackie took it.

"Thanks. So anyway, yes, a card. I know I have one here somewhere." She reached to the right back pocket of her trousers and pulled out her wallet. She opened it and rescued a worn card that she handed over.

Caroline opened her purse and silver card holder, placed Jackie's card inside and handed over a card of her own.

Jackie looked it over and raised her eyebrows. "Head of school. Sounds rather posh."

"In reality, hardly. But I love it."

"That's good. It's a good thing to love what you do."

"It is, isn't it?" Caroline gave a curious and adoring appraisal once more. "It's been lovely to see you again Jackie, really."

"Oh you too Caroline. Really. I mean, do ring me up, if you're ever in town. You must promise. We'll take tea and stroll down memory lane."

Jackie opened her arms, abruptly, awkwardly, for a hug, and Caroline accepted. She smiled at the dusty but familiar feeling of being wrapped completely. Jackie's imposing and comforting physical presence surrounding her. She heard quiet echoes of the many 'friendly' hugs they'd exchanged at University before Caroline had let her guard down and made a mess of things.

"OK then. Ta." Jackie waved and Caroline waved back.

"Ta."

* * *

Caroline's thoughts on the car ride home were much more animated than she'd anticipated. She'd kept drifting back to Eleanor on the way down, and found herself drifting into Jackie on the way home.

 _'Stop it, Caroline. You're like an oversexed teenager.'_

It was true, to a certain extent. Something that had been dormant a very long time in Caroline had awoken with Kate, and was now roaring through her. She'd never really noticed men at all, her entire life, and had trained herself not to notice women. Now she did. Now she marveled at women and their skirts, and shoes, and hair; their bodies and mouths, and makeup and carriage, as though they were a new and undiscovered species. She was fascinated by what they said and how they said it – and most importantly why they said it. She wondered at women now, if they had stories similar to hers, experiences in common that she'd never considered a shared collective but to which she now felt a new belonging.

She'd wondered at Eleanor so much recently, and today she wondered at Jackie. Her conscious mind resurfaced as she neared her exit to Harrogate, and she took the steering wheel in both hands. _'That was unexpected.'_


	45. Chapter 45

Days had begun to pass very quickly for Caroline. She intentionally stopped at least once a week to give her full time to Flora, and was glad for the quiet Saturday they had to look forward to today, particularly after the rush of events in the past week.

Things were beginning to turn serious with Eleanor. There was no room for doubt about that, and Caroline's misgivings were ever-present. Her body and her heart worked around the clock to silence her mind, but to no avail. She was not unsure about Eleanor. She was unsure about herself. She was unsure about accepting any more change in her life. She was spread thin, and she did not want to repeat mistakes she might have made with the boys when it came to Flora.

She felt the weight of responsibility for Flora differently. She was not a single parent. She knew that she'd really created a shared custody arrangement with Flora's father, in all reality. And he wanted to be her father. But she and Greg were not equal partners in it. She was lead and she knew it. And it scared her. Lawrence was certainly happier with John, and that made Caroline happy for him. But he clearly preferred his dad, and that evoked a terribly lonely feeling. How would Flora be with Caroline, so many years from now? Would it turn out as it had with Lawrence – or as she had with Celia? So close, and yet so far apart.

With the rush of everyday events that created a life, Caroline wasn't sure where Eleanor would fit in. A full-time demanding career, five combined children between them, an aging mother, a large mortgage, and a handful of a girlfriend seemed a mountain of priorities she didn't know how to scale.

On top of it all, the small things seemed to take up so much time and that frustrated her. Her worry over Celia, whose biopsy had come back miraculously negative, but who was still scheduled to have a small tumor removed early next month. Janet, buzzing at her like a fly over the board of governors' discontent. The approach of the holidays and the impossible picture of trying to blend the motley crew of her life.

Caroline's pace accelerated daily. Flora was a visual marker of progress that could not be ignored. From the perspective of forty-seven, Flora's growth was staggering to Caroline. Her vocabulary was multiplying exponentially by the day. Caroline recalled the blitz of development in the early years and tried her best to capture a memory at every milestone.

Flora alternated between states of great chattiness and great quiet. She was silly, serious, and kind. It was now possible to see three very loving parents in her. Even in her absence Kate seemed to exert influence over Flora, most notably in her smiling brown eyes and infinite patience with Caroline, whether it was accepting her choice in books for reading time, meal selection, or listening intently while Caroline carried on completely one-sided discussions with her about being a competent professional, the nature of elements, the merits of certain wines, or most particularly Flora's attention while Caroline described Kate, and how Flora came to be with Mum, and Dad, in the first place.

Flora enjoyed music immensely. This was a joy for Greg and a burden for Caroline. She had not done much singing with the boys. In fact John had done it – John had done most of the silly, really. Not that Caroline hadn't been able to relate, per se, to Lawrence and William. Just that she'd done a much better job once they'd reached school ages. At that point in time she had naturally begun to excel.

Still, Caroline found herself singing along to Flora's made up tunes, animated fluffy stuffed animals, toys, and the occasional video she was allowed. It was plain that it just made Flora so happy. And Caroline felt she owed Flora a little more - happy. Felt that she'd always be making something up to her; that she'd always be trying to catch up to the ghost of Kate's love that would always be missing.

Flora created a bond between Caroline and Greg, the original odd couple. For Flora they turned an unlikely pairing into a friendship that revolved around the tiny girl toddling between them. Having him in the house was work for Caroline. He'd moved the comforts of home into the spare bedroom and slept over at least weekly. While he'd been at the house always in early days, it became clear for both that full-time occupancy, while convenient, wouldn't be a viable solution long-term.

Caroline evaluated the newest evolution in the family dynamic as she loaded Flora's car seat into the Jeep. Mummy and me time with Flora was sacrosanct, a time when they could chat properly.

"Now Flora I need you to tell me honestly your impressions of Jenny. Because I'll hold them in highest priority when we're deciding what kind of presence she'll be having – or not – in your life."

"Jenny." Flora enjoyed summarizing and repeating conversations.

"Yes. Jenny. She seems nice enough. But I'm going to need you to expand on that assessment."

Greg had started seeing Jenny Cotton casually over the summer; they'd met at some sort of comic book convention that he was often attending and struck it up. He'd told her right up front about Flora, but had waited until something more serious developed to talk to Caroline about introducing the two. Jenny had come over to the house for dinner at the beginning of the month; it had gone well. Caroline was optimistic but even more cautious than usual about a new comer in her – and Flora's - life.

She glanced in the rearview as they pulled out of the drive. "And don't hold back. If we're to come to the proper conclusion we need to take into account all the variables."

"Dog." Flora pointed out the window.

"Excellent. Yes. What color, Flora?"

"Brown."

"Very well done. Brown dog. You're quite smart, aren't you?" Caroline smiled back at Flora, now absorbed in the mobile attached to the passenger headrest.

"Da bum da. Bum da bum. Fa da bum. Fa da bum." This had become one of Flora's favorite compositions, and Caroline joined in on the second round. Each word had a different tone associated, and Caroline was rather proud of Flora's original works.

"Oh very well done, darling. Has your dad been working with you on that one?"

"Dad." Having two toddlers before, Caroline was quite prepared for the sting of Flora's natural development of 'da da da da da,' before moving on to 'mu mu mu mum,' a month or so later, but it still hurt. And it still made her ache for Kate, and the joy that they would have shared together when Flora finally met Caroline's eyes one day and managed a 'mum.'

They pulled into the carpark and Caroline started unclicking a restless Flora from the car seat. "Go go go."

"Yep. We are go go going. But not unless you stop stop stop wiggling."

"Stop." Flora did as instructed.

"Thank you. That's much better." Caroline lifted her up and out. "Take mum's hand, let's go see what they've got on offer today. I think I read something about a Snowy Day and Frog and Toad. And I'm sure there'll be something developmentally appropriate for you with colors and shapes."

They made their way slowly across the parking lot. Caroline helped Flora up over the curb, and then slowly up the main steps. She made it about halfway before she stopped and her arms rose. "Up."

"Okay." Caroline smiled, bent and tickled under Flora's arms until she giggled and lowered them, and then grabbed her up. "You did very well on the stairs. Very well. Mum's proud of you."

At reception they unbundled from the autumn cold, stuffing coats and scarves into a cubby. They proceeded to kid's, where they took up cross-legged positions on the floor together in the growing circle.

"Good to see you ladies." While it was a mummy and me program, or so named, fathers often joined in, as was the case with Tom, one of Caroline's favorites. Tom and Henry – Henry, of a similar age to and also being one of Flora's favorites. They'd already exchanged "Hi hi" and settled in to browse a nearby book together. Henry turning pages and Flora pointing and naming what she recognized. Though a suspicious number of pages seemed to include "dog."

"Good to see you Tom. How's things?"

"Well. As you can see Henry's on the grow right now. We're still struggling with words, but he's got good sounds. Lucy says we won't worry about it at all until at least 18 months."

"William didn't spit out a real word until almost two." Caroline paused as long-term and recent memory collided. "He was a quiet one. Still is. But brilliant."

Tom smiled over at Henry and Flora. "Well she's turned into a chatty one."

"I think she takes after her father."

"Ah."

They gathered their respective charges as the librarian appeared and pulled up his stool to begin. Flora wriggled but settled in as he started in on "Little Owl Lost." Owls were currently a very popular animal in the household and beginning to eclipse dogs. Flora started to make tiny "hoot hoot hooo hoo" sounds along with the book, and Caroline kissed her head and whispered. "Quiet Flora. We'll hoot later OK?"

Flora nodded and whispered back. "Okay."

* * *

In fact there was a rousing chorus of hoots all the way home. Flora began alternating her pitch and Caroline mimicked it, which delighted Flora to no end. There had been a brief stop at the grocer, where Caroline had managed to hit pause on the hooting, promising Flora peas, potatoes and a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner in exchange for compliance. The deal had been accepted willingly.

Now early evening Caroline pulled into a full driveway as the sun set orange and blue. There was hardly room for the Jeep. Everyone had settled into 'usual' spots, which kept the double parking to a minimum. However with five, sometimes six cars in the mix, Caroline wondered if she ought to just pave and stripe the drive and be done with it.

"I see you have a host of admirers for the evening, Ms. Flora."

"Yum."

"Yep. Yum. Cheese sandwich on order. But we have a number of things to accomplish before dinner."

"Yum."

"Yum." Caroline smiled and blew into Flora's face as she pulled her out of the car seat – it had amused Flora to no end as a baby, and still got a smile and a giggle every time. Flora pranced around the Jeep as Eleanor appeared at the door and Caroline went around and swung up the hatch to the Jeep and began piling canvas grocery bags over her arms.

Flora ran forward. "El. El. El."

"The one and only." Eleanor bent to her knee and offered Flora a high five, which she gave enthusiastically, and then a hug, before running through the open front door. "Dad dad dad!"

Eleanor stood as Caroline approached and held out a hand to unburden her.

Eleanor took two bags and kissed Caroline on the cheek. "And how was your afternoon? You look more like a tired pack mule than a feisty head of school at the moment."

"Wonderful. We learned all about owls."

"Fascinating. I'll look forward to the dinner conversation."

"Oh she'll give you an earful about it if you ask."

"Well she'll have a full house for the lecture. Your mum and Alan, Greg and Jenny. Lawrence scowling in the corner. And of course yours truly and the girls."

"Sounds perfect." Caroline stopped in her tracks, just for a moment, to take in the day and feel her contentment at the right now. Worries could wait. She followed Eleanor into a warm house echoing with laughter as Flora continued to hoot.


	46. Chapter 46

_'Hey girl.'_

 _'Yes – hello Jane. What's up?'_

 _'Where have you been all my life?'_

 _'Excuse me?'_

 _'Expression. I haven't seen you in eons. I hate that.'_

 _'So let's get together?'_

 _'Okay!'_

 _'Dinner?'_

 _'Absolutely – can we go to Phoenician?'_

 _'Of course. Hey - you should bring Eleanor.'_

 _'I should. How's Eva?'_

 _'Great. We broke up like ages ago, but we still adore each other madly.'_

 _'Okay. So – dinner – won't be too awkward?'_

 _'Nope.'_

 _'Let me coordinate with Eleanor.'_

 _'Sounds good. Hit me back. I'm pretty open next week.'_

 _'Perfect.'_

* * *

"So, let me get this all lined up correctly." Eleanor furrowed her brow. Her assistant Jeffrey handed her a stack of quarterly prospectus for review, amused expression on his face. He stood, question in his eyes, waiting for direction. She held her finger up to him, _'hold on.'_

"Dinner with Jane, who's quite good looking and to whom you had a really hard time saying 'no', and her ex-girlfriend?" Eleanor sat back in her chair and crossed her legs. Her curiosity was piqued. Not that she'd let old jealousies derail anything. That path was a dead-end.

"When you put it like that, it sounds more complex than it really is. But really, Eleanor, I think you're going to like Jane. Really." Caroline put a finger up to Beverley as she waited for Caroline, paper in hand, to deliver a message. _'Hold on.'_

"Is this you trying to test my trust and fealty again in some way?" Eleanor grinned. "Going to show in disguise and lay a honey pot next?"

"You're a clever one." Caroline narrowed her eyes. "The answer to that is no. You're going to have fun. I promise."

"I am quite clever. And and a pro at relishing the awkward. I'm always game for a bit of fun. Next Thursday?" She smiled at Jeffrey and mouthed, _'one sec.'_

"Yep."

"On the books."

"Good. Bye then."

"Good-bye, Caroline." She drew the words out syllable by syllable.

* * *

Despite assurances from Jane to the contrary, Caroline couldn't help but feel a touch apprehensive as she and Eleanor parked and walked to dinner the following Thursday. It would be good to see Jane. But the set up was potentially tricky. _'That's why there's wine.'_

Eleanor seemed plenty excited. She'd explained in the Jeep that the whole set up would doubtless provide bountiful opportunity to see Caroline blush. Which had caused Caroline to, well, blush.

The hostess gave a warm and familiar smile to Caroline as they entered, and Jane turned to them in excitement as they approached the table at the back of the house. She stood and threw her arms around Caroline. "Hello, long lost friend!" Typically Jane, she wore a Harrogate FC football long sleeve and had her dark hair up in a ponytail that swung back and forth with her animated movements.

Jane turned back. "Well no mistaking you, Eleanor," she held her hand out and they shook. "You're gorgeous as ever."

"Jane. Good to see you. And - likewise." Eleanor smiled right back and caught Caroline's second blush.

"Okay then. Is there wine?" Caroline looked at Jane pointedly as they sat.

"On the way. A bottle of red and a bottle of white."

"Oh you are my kind of girl. Why haven't we dined as a threesome before?" Eleanor winked at Jane, whose eyebrows rose as she gave a silent thumbs up and sipped her water. "Now what's for dinner? Caroline simply goes on about the food."

"I have no idea. Eva's sending something out. I think she said three courses."

"Well that's a relief. Last time you had to roll me out of here." Caroline glanced skyward at the memory.

"I saved room. Someone remarked recently that I was starting to lose my girlish figure." Eleanor smiled and rolled her eyes as Caroline's jaw dropped.

"Who would say such a thing?" Caroline was aghast – and angry at whoever the culprit might be. _'Eleanor is perfect.'_

"Oh Catherine, of course."

"She sounds like a prize." Jane laughed and gave Eleanor an intentionally exaggerated up and down look. "And I give you an A+."

Blush number three.

The wine arrived to the acclaim of everyone at the table, along with the first course, a reprisal of Eva's lamb kibbeh.

After the first course and the first glass of wine, Eleanor, seated opposite Jane and Caroline, leaned across the table and dropped her pitch. "So Jane, you and Eva dated?"

Jane leaned in to meet her, pitch equally low and exaggerated in its confidential delivery. "Yes. For two months. It was amazing. Mind-blowing shagging."

"You don't say?" Eleanor shot a glance over to Caroline. Blush four.

"Completely. But we weren't really compatible – outside of that. Apparently hot sex doesn't really cut it over the long-haul. Plus, eight year age difference - it was starting to catch up with us. My fault. I'm not the most mature kid on the block. Head in the clouds all the time. Not that we aren't still good friends."

"Caroline, why have you been keeping Jane all to yourself? I like her already."

Eva appeared with their next course, large portions of lahme generously surrounded by babaganoush and a bright green tabbouleh. She set down their plates and stood for a moment to examine Eleanor, without the exaggerated humor of Jane.

"And _you_ are definitely Eleanor. Your name fits perfectly." Eva smiled and sat next to her, leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I just had to do that. You're beautiful as the sunrise. I could make dessert out of you. Something warm with lots of honey."

Blush five from Caroline.

"No need to blush, beautiful Caroline. Smile when someone compliments your good taste. You could spent years on the hunt for someone so divine." Eva winked and poured herself a glass of wine. She raised it in toast. "Wonderful women and delicious food. I love it."

The table met her toast, all eyes alight.

* * *

"That whole meal was fantastic. This night has been fantastic. And Jane, I can see now why Caroline was so caught up on you. We have to do this again." Eleanor enthusiastically hugged Jane as they stood and began putting on coats and scarves against the October cold.

"Uh - yeah. Same. Eleanor you crack me up." Jane looked over to Caroline, who was on much better footing after a couple glasses of wine and the realization that Jane and Eleanor had been ganging up on her intentionally. Jane cocked a thumb at Eleanor. "She's a catch. Watch the line doesn't break."

They left the restaurant in a group and Eleanor turned to Jane. "So really though - why didn't it work out with you and Eva? She's phenomenal. She's gorgeous. And I'd stay just for the food."

"No epic tragic tale. Just got too serious too fast. I think the initial animal attraction blinded us." Jane waggled her eyebrows and winked at Eleanor.

Eleanor winked back. "Fair enough. You won't catch me blushing over that."

Caroline and Eleanor, arm in arm, walked Jane to her Jeep. They waved her off and walked on.

"Caroline you were absolutely right. That was great fun."

"You can't help but smile around Jane, can you? Always a breath of fresh air." Caroline gave Eleanor's arm a tug and smiled herself.

"You really can't help but smile. I'm so glad you met and became friends. And I do remember that I owe her – for trying to knock you straight all those months ago. I repay my debts."

"Well - send her flowers. The way you packed up on me in there, tossing your little javelins back and forth. I barely made it out alive. I don't need you two conspiring over anything."

"I would never."

"Mmmm hmmm." Caroline's tone was _very_ skeptical.

"And I think I've already got something else in mind for her. Perhaps we can cut short Jane's odyssey for the perfect girl." Eleanor's eyes lit, sly smile on her lips.


	47. Chapter 47

Janet Grisham, Chair of the Board of Governors, rushed through Caroline's office door as the last bell of the day rang. Beverley came through behind her and paused, anticipating instruction.

"Tea?" Caroline met Janet's uneasy gaze.

"Em, no, thank you." The petite senior brunette pulled off her gloves and sat herself at the head of the conference table in Caroline's office.

"Thank you Beverley." Beverley nodded to Caroline and closed the door on her way out.

"Well. This seems very formal. What's up?"

"I'm sorry. But it is a formal matter. I am here officially as Chair, and I already have to apologize. You and I have always enjoyed a very strong working relationship, and that's been to my benefit. As well as the institution's." Janet's tone was cut as close as her salt and pepper hair.

"I agree. And I don't think that I like where this is going." They were now both seated at the conference table, Janet at the end and Caroline adjacent.

"I certainly don't, Caroline. Not one bit. But I'm afraid there's no way around it. I warned you when we spoke before the meeting last Monday that this wouldn't go over well with the Board, this Eleanor thing. Unfortunately, it's played into some already troubling momentum. You know how things can snowball, when they're given a little help getting started."

"Around what? Janet what the hell is going on?"

"It's Evan. He's back on the war path."

"Evan? What's he got to be on the war path about?"

"You."

"Me?" Caroline was nonplussed. All had been quiet for ages with the board.

"Well." The older woman undid her jacket and sat back in her chair. She folded her hands at her lap, looked down, out the windows, and back over at the headmistress, who at this point seemed alarmed. "We make no secret that Sulgrave Heath is a – traditional – school. Conservative."

"Yes?" A glimmer of suspicion appeared in Caroline's mind.

"Evan has raised the point, in Executive Session after you and Eleanor left Monday's meeting, and unfortunately he has garnered support, for the assertion that you do not currently embody that set of values. He wants to terminated your contract early."

"Oh. I see." Caroline tugged at the French cuffs of her pinstriped button down, studied them momentarily and looked Janet squarely in the eye. "Janet there should be no whiff of impropriety, with Eleanor leaving the Board."

"Yes, well, for some of the board members, undue influence isn't the issue."

"I see. The issue being?"

"The fact of your personal relationship with Eleanor in and of itself." Janet shook her head. "For Christ sake, Caroline, I couldn't care less. But I'm a little more with the times than some of the governors. And even if it weren't about - that - it - it doesn't look well."

"Well I hardly see how one conflict of interest, which will be resolved shortly, could move the board to vote on my contract. It's a disproportionate response. It'll be quite expensive for the school, and hardly in our best interest."

Janet began to look uncomfortable. "It's not just the matter of Eleanor, Caroline. I'm afraid the effects have become cumulative. It's your relationship with Kate. Once is - once. Twice - it's made some board members uneasy. It's what's happened with William at Oxford– that's gotten back to some of the governors. You turning down that family from Cayton. The thing with Eleanor on top of it. Taken in whole the Governors – some of them, are uncomfortable with your leadership. I think they're hoping you'll decide for yourself that your time here has reached a natural conclusion."

"Oh. Well then." Caroline's haughty air fell away, replaced by a resigned dismissal tinged with disapproval. For herself or for Evan she was not sure. Perhaps both. She looked down at her hands, also folded on the table, before fixing her eyes on the wall just over Janet's shoulder. Old fears came flooding back.

"I don't want this, Caroline, I don't agree with it. But you need to take it seriously. Evan's enough juice to get it to the table. I can't stop him from getting the vote called." Janet took off her glasses and primly set them next to her notebook. She reached over and placed a hand over Caroline's. "This isn't right. It certainly doesn't reflect the debt we owe you, for your leadership and the current success of the school."

"Well you've got the right of one thing, at least." She looked over at the bank of windows, beyond which late October had come on in full. Trees were bare and the sky was deep blue.

"I'm sure you're angry. You have a right to be. But don't be rash, Caroline. You've got a temper. Don't be tempted to do something – foolish." Janet smiled, just a little turn of her thin lips. "I'm here today out of respect for you, and to find a way to make this go away."

"And how are we to work that, Janet?"

"Use your friends on the board."

Caroline gave a sarcastic laugh. "My friends? I rather think my friends are what have created this current nightmare."

"You do have friends. With the ability make things happen for you."

"Okay." Caroline removed her own glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Fuck." She sighed and looked up. "Janet thank you. For bringing this to me. To my attention. I appreciate it."

"I'm not in the best position to prove it, but I'm an ally in this. I'm behind you Caroline."

Caroline stood, and Janet did as well. She placed a hand on Caroline's arm. "Use your assets. Count your votes. I'm one of them. This is ridiculous. It's simply Evan being a prat. He can't stand that you aren't beholden to him – he just wants to bring you in line." Janet picked up her handbag and notebook and turned to leave. "I'm sorry."

"So am I." Caroline sighed and turned back toward her desk as Janet let herself out.

Beverley popped her head in, but didn't linger. "Ring if you need me." She did not wait for a reply and quietly clicked the door shut.

"Oh bloody fucking hell." Caroline reached for a tissue and sank heavily into her chair.


	48. Chapter 48

"I'm still on the board, Caroline. I've a vote. And leverage."

"This is not _your_ problem to solve, Eleanor. So, you know, don't worry about." Caroline stood in her entryway hanging her camel overcoat, dying to get out of her heels and feeling unusually constricted by skirt and jacket.

"Don't worry about it? Caroline _this_ whole thing," she gestured between the two of them, "isn't exactly disconnected from that whole thing."

"I've survived worse."

"You have. You can. But this time you don't have to go it alone."

Caroline scowled and shook her head. "I don't have to go it alone. But it's what I want to do. You getting any more involved in this, it will just make it worse." She tossed her keys into the valet, looked up, and sighed. "I mean I know the culture of the school, I know the whole thing is that we're 'prestigious.' Above suggestion or reproach. But I do feel that I've been a role model for the children. And I've sure as hell made them enough money. Well they can choke on it, for all I care." She waved a hand in punctuation, the other on her hip, as she stalked down the hall toward Eleanor who'd gone through to the kitchen.

"No one's sacking you from Sulgrave Heath. It's not going to happen. And neither of us carries blame in this situation."

"Well I've just got to think. There is a solution to every problem."

"Wine?"

"Yes." She took the offered glass and plunked down on a kitchen stool opposite Eleanor, who was leaning against the island on the other side, hair halfway down in soft waves covering her starched white shirt, collar turned up.

"Oh this is a real cock up."

"What time's your lot home?"

"Alan and mum in Halifax. Greg's over at Jenny's with Flora."

"So it's getting to that point, then, with Greg and Jenny?"

"Yes. Yes. He's almost splitting his time equally, here, there, his apartment. I suppose _that's_ the next thing to deal with."

"Greg's solid. He knows better. But he is Flora's father. And you've made him an equal in the whole arrangement."

"And whose side are _you_ on, then?" Caroline shot a pissed off expression and clinked her glass as she set it down to favor Eleanor with wide eyes and rank disapproval.

"Flora's. And yours, Caroline. Always yours. Don't take your anger out on me." Eleanor's voice remained calm, but edged downward, and she raised an eyebrow as she paused, took a breath, and followed up. "Here's a thing that I've noticed, which you tend to do, that's not going to keep happening. You get scared – and then you get mad. And then you get mean. Let's not do that here."

Caroline tilted her chin down and her eyes up before leveling a scorching frown and lowering her voice precipitously. "Don't lecture me. Don't tell me what to do."

"Mmmm hmmmm. There she is. Angry Caroline. I will, lecture you, when you're behaving like this." Eleanor's brown eyes sparkled.

Caroline's mouth parted but she stayed silent.

Eleanor put down her wine glass, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and walked around to Caroline. She took her by her tight shoulders and turned her facing. She remained passive to Caroline's livid expression. "You're angry. It's fine. It's normal. I'd be in the same state. I can't imagine, well I can, what you have at stake here. And how terrifying this is."

"Don't patronize me." Caroline was almost shaking with anger.

"I wouldn't dare. You've worked yourself into a real state, which is perfectly understandable. But it's not my job to stand here and let you rage at me until you feel better. Or spent." Eleanor's tone was still kind. Barely.

Caroline's was not. "No? Isn't it? What is your job? Because I'm sure as hell not clear on that. Is it getting me into impossible fixes at the school, distracting me from my children until I completely let them down, or watching your mother bat me here and there like a cat with a string?"

"Oh good shots, darling. You're hitting home on all fronts. Truly well placed. But I cut my teeth on far worse." Eleanor ran her hand down Caroline's arm, kissed the top of her head and kissed her cheek. She took her head in her hands and bent down to look into her raging watery blue eyes. "My job is to love you."

"I'm not sure I know what that means."

Eleanor stood and sighed. "You're being nasty. It's not you. I know it's not you, so I'm not going to try very hard not to take it personally. What I am going to do is stop this train before you say something you really can't take back." She turned and placed both palms on the counter top, then turned back to a silent Caroline. "Let me re-frame. This conflict you've created between us has nothing to do with me. You're scared you're going to lose your job. And I'm the closest thing around. But that's not good enough, and it's not how we're going to be together. I'm going to ask you to stop pushing me away every time you get scared. Or to stop testing me, or whatever the fuck it is that you're doing right now." She took a breath and visibly reeled herself back in.

Caroline stood abruptly and moved to the other side of the kitchen island, adding physical distance between them. She was not often at a loss for words. She'd become a skilled fighter over the years with John, picking him apart with the precision of a surgeon until he slinked away or threw his hands up in surrender. Eleanor was something entirely different, and she wasn't sure how to _win_.

Eleanor sat at the stool Caroline had vacated, reached over for her wine glass, took a sip and waited, watchful.

Caroline switched tactics and replaced heated delivery with a cool and disaffected tone. "Well you've figured all of this out very neatly, haven't you? Got me all boxed up, decided all on your own that there's actually going to be a future 'us'. And that _you're_ going to define it. That you'll just _change_ me into some model of the girlfriend you want to have?"

Eleanor narrowed her eyes, gaze and posture assessing and still. She took a sip of wine, looked over, out the kitchen window and back again as Caroline waited, coiled and ready to retaliate as soon as Eleanor spoke.

"I'd never think about changing even one hair on your head. You're what – 47 now? I'm 45. And 46 next month. Neither of us is about to change our spots. Give me some credit." Eleanor's tone was mild at the start, but it changed and the pain and anger in her eyes intensified. "I'm terribly cross with you right now. Terribly. You've already said some very, very hurtful things, and against my better judgment I'm still sitting here." Tears had appeared at the corners of her eyes. "Because I think that you so want to be right that you'll do just about anything to piss me off and have me stomp out of here. Have me leave you and prove yourself right about the nature of people and stew in your own fix. But I've no intention of doing that."

"Well you don't have to be the one who does the leaving." Caroline's tone was still icy. She was mad, really mad at Eleanor's persistence, and didn't know how to stop being mad. Maybe she was mad at a lot of things. Maybe not all of them Eleanor. But her anger had momentum, and the power to protect her. Her temper had gotten the best of her and taken on a life of its own.

"Oh Jesus Christ." Eleanor finished her glass of wine in a gulp. "Now you're just being simple, and it's beneath you." She stood and walked around the island in front of Caroline. She planted her index finger in her sternum. "You can leave me all you want, any time you want. You're perfectly free to do so. You're perfectly free to do anything you please, and don't forget it. But so am I – and I'm going to stay right here. I've decided I quite like it, that I quite like you, and Flora. And what's all the better is your fantastic wine cellar. So walk out on me. Go for it. I'll be here right here waiting when you decide you've acted like a proper idiot."

With that Eleanor grabbed the half-full bottle of wine from the counter along with her glass and made her way over to Caroline's sofa. She sat and rummaged through her work bag on the floor. She pulled out and opened her laptop, as though Caroline weren't even standing in the kitchen, dumbfounded.


	49. Chapter 49

Caroline stalked down the hall and up to her bedroom. She threw herself down on the bed, stared at the ceiling for a while before sitting up again.

 _'Well you've gone and done it now, my love.'_

 _'Jesus Kate. I'm glad you're here. I don't know what to do with that woman, camped out on the sofa as though she owns the place. Telling me what to do, lecturing me.'_

 _'Oh you are in desperate need of sorting.' Kate's expression was one of tired, tried disappointment. 'Is that the way you treat people you love? Insult them, refuse to let them help you, and sulk out like a teenager when they behave like a sane adult?'_

 _'Kate.'_

 _'Don't 'Kate' me. You've made a mess, haven't you?'_

 _'I think I have. I mean, it's not like it's entirely my fault, though.'_

 _'Oh get over yourself. You've hurt that woman. Deeply.'_

 _'I don't know if I'm capable of that. And I'm in rather bad shape myself.'_

 _'You're capable and you know it. You're not thick Caroline, but you really act it sometimes. Don't pretend Eleanor's got no feelings for you. That your actions happen in an emotional vacuum. That no one could love as deeply as you, and therefore be as hurt or scared as you.'_

 _'Kate. Please.'_

 _'Oh no. I'd expected more from you,. After all that rubbish you and I went through. I thought you'd grown. I thought I'd left you better off than this.'_

 _'No. Yes.' Caroline's thoughts drifted back to losing Kate the first time, so long ago now. How she'd driven her off, how she'd used Kate, and finally come to understand the fool she'd been. How it had crushed her when Kate wouldn't take her back. 'I did that to you, too, didn't I? I'm sorry.'_

 _'You sure did. But don't apologize to me. Apologize to Eleanor – whom you'll be awfully glad for in your life if things don't right themselves at school.'_

 _'I don't think she wants to hear from me.' Caroline pouted._

 _'And what did she say to you to indicate that's the case? That she loves you? Or that she was going to take root in the living room until you came to your senses? I think you don't want to be wrong. I think you're too proud to go down there and apologize.' Kate's tone had become kind again. She took Caroline's hand, her patience with Caroline's tantrums still evident._

 _'Kate.'_

 _'You're lonely right now, aren't you?' Again a mixture of kindness and frustration._

 _'I am.'_

 _'Do you think there's nothing you can do about that? Let it bend before it breaks, Caroline.'_

Caroline remained silent. Kate kissed her cheek and departed.

She picked up her mobile and typed a text to Eleanor. _'Are you terribly angry with me?'_

Despite her prolonged stare, her mobile remained still. She got up, changed into jeans and a pullover. She almost missed the buzz of the phone on the duvet.

 _'Yes. I'm terribly angry with you. And I'm hurt.'_

 _'Justified. I was an ass. I'm sorry._ ' Removed from the situation, she regretted hurting Eleanor, knew she certainly had done so. And she hadn't deserved it.

The mobile stayed silent for another interminable period.

 _'You were. And unfortunately for you, I'm going to need you to come down here and look me in the eye like a grown woman when you say that.'_

Caroline smiled tightly. Not smoothed over, but better. 'Fine. Let me make it up to you.'

 _'I like the sound of that. Now come say it in person.'_

* * *

Eleanor was preparing dinner when Caroline appeared downstairs. She approached the woman in the kitchen with body language as tentative as a feral cat scoping an unattended saucer of cream.

Eleanor smiled. "You're really very predictable, aren't you? You and your temper." She looked up at Caroline expectantly, not unkindly, knife in one hand, wine in the other.

Caroline walked up next to her. Hooked Eleanor's starched collar in her fingers and looked down at the ground for a moment before meeting her gaze.

"I'm sorry."

"I know it. And Caroline I'm sorry about everything at the school. About your mum. About William. I know it's been hard. And I'm so sorry for that." Eleanor put down the knife and took Caroline's hand, kissed it, held it in hers and placed it over her heart. "I do love you. I do. I love everything about you. I love your temper. I love your fire. It's mesmerizing. I had a pretty good idea what I was walking into, and I did so with my eyes open. I can take it. Whatever you can dish out. But I don't want us to be like that. So let's not do that – " she gestured behind her with her hand – "Unless I deserve it. And then feel free to unload. Yes?" Eleanor's look was expectant of accord, not retort.

"Okay." Caroline closed her eyes and looked down.

Eleanor took her chin and tilted it back up, kissed her briefly before turning back to dinner preparation. "Roast chicken and root veg. I'm starved."

* * *

"Caroline?"

"Mmmmmmm?"

"You didn't pick a fight just so that we could have mind-blowing make-up sex – again – did you?"

Eleanor was snugged up to Caroline's back. She nuzzled her face into Caroline's blonde hair, which had grown longer, and blonder, through the summer that had passed and become a distant memory as winter now closed in.

Caroline grabbed Eleanor's hand as it rested on her stomach and pulled her tighter, mumbling into her pillow. "I did not. But that's a fantastic idea. I'll catalog it."

Eleanor's popped her head over the top of Caroline's. "It is not a fantastic idea, at all."

Caroline stirred and turned onto her back, hand over her eyes. Eleanor studied her and swept a strand of blonde from her face. "The alarm is going off in," she glanced over "two minutes." She bent down and kissed Caroline's strong jawline. "And while your apology was – memorable - you still owe me."

"It is a mathematical impossibility for me to give you a total of one million kisses in the course of one month."

"That doesn't mean you can't try."

"Very well." Caroline smiled, parted her mouth and started a kiss that became quite promising.

Eleanor indulged her, then pulled back. "I'm due to pick up the girls in twenty. Raincheck on that -" she leaned in and kissed Caroline again, "- particular sentiment." She rolled over and out of bed as she began to dress. "I meant what I said. Let me help you with the board."

"Fine. I accept your help. In whatever form you deem best."

"Now that's what I was hoping to hear. I'm sure I can get Lenore to see things my way. Possibly Julie."

"Thank you."

"Thank you for asking for my help. That means a lot to me."

"It wasn't easy." Caroline looked down, pouted at the sheet and refolded it unnecessarily.

"I know. And it makes me want to say this - I love you Caroline."

Caroline looked up and smiled confidently. "Love you."

"Good start to the day. Text me, darling." Eleanor smiled and bent again to kiss her one more time before breezing out of the room.


	50. Chapter 50

"Hi Evan. It's Eleanor Strathclyde."

Eleanor stood in her kitchen, phone crooked in one ear and filing her nails, steaming cup of jasmine green cooling, curls of tea leaves unraveling in the hot water. She'd left Caroline this morning with a promise to do what she could to help. And she was intent on doing _whatever_ she could to protect her. Currently she was tackling the root of the problem head-on. One misguided Evan Crenshaw.

"Yes – I'm well thank you. But Caroline's not. And you're a direct cause. And that makes me terribly unhappy."

Evan prattled and sputtered on the other end of the line.

"As a matter of fact, I think you should be awfully concerned with my happiness, vis a vi Caroline."

She frowned at his nasty assortment of ineffective insults.

"Well, in that case I think you might have forgotten that I know something that you consider very private. Something you'd like very much to stay that way, in any case."

"Oh I know what I said. But that was two years ago. And circumstances have changed. Because of your actions, Evan. Your very petty actions."

She let him continue to pander, before cutting him off.

"Yes. I know what it would do to Erica. To your entire family. It would be simply devastating. You'd of course see your kids again, but those relationships would never be the same. I don't know that Erica would ever forgive you. And she'll certainly blame you for how your marriage fell apart. But you know what Evan? You know what will be even worse?"

She took a sip of tea. Still too hot. "What will be even worse is that Erica would probably blame herself, too. She'd spend the rest of her life wondering. She'd probably always be a little worse off because of it."

"I agree. It's a horrendous thing to say – and to think. But it's true. And Erica is the primary reason I've kept this name, and the very revealing context of the name, to myself. In the past."

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and with bored expression held the mobile away from the other ear as Evan's voice became quite loud on the other end of the line.

"Listen. Yelling isn't going to help you here, Evan. It's all terribly simple. You change your vote on this idiotic attempt to unseat Caroline, and it's all done. It all goes away. I'm stepping down from the board at Sulgrave Heath, so I'll have no other reason to start name dropping to the wrong people."

She blew delicately across the top of the mug - sipped her tea again. Perfect. "That is of course, unless you try anything else hurtful and stupid with Caroline. Then we'll have to do this all over again. And I'd just hate that, wouldn't you?"

"Oh that's a good boy. I knew we could come to an understanding. Everything goes well with the vote, and your happy marriage continues untouched."

"Yes. You're welcome. Lovely speaking with you Evan. Give my best to Erica."

Eleanor clicked off the mobile and replaced it on the counter, empty eyes fixed out to the garden and cooling tea in hand.

* * *

"Catherine I'll really owe you." One Even Crenshaw down. Julie Bowen was next on Eleanor's hit-list, easily accessible via the old-girls club.

Catherine tipped up her gin martini, meeting the rim of Eleanor's Manhattan. "You being in my debt is almost enough payment in and of itself. Almost. In fact, you haven't owed me a favor since, well, let's say it's been ages. And getting Julie Bowen to side with you won't be a problem. She's an old, dear friend."

"Oh I'm sure." Eleanor rolled her eyes. "And don't gloat. It's pedestrian."

"I've known you and your secrets for years – since Oxford, Lady Eleanor. It's adorable the way you're doting on Caroline. I mean you were positively smitten with Emma, back in the day. But this - this is something new entirely." Catherine looked Eleanor up and down. "You're even starting to let yourself go."

"Enough from you. Drink and be silent." Eleanor smiled and shook her head, tumbling loose a few long strands. "And Catherine, this is between us."

* * *

"Lenore. Yes. Yes, I know, Lenore. Just – " Eleanor sat in the car park waiting to fetch June and Lily from football. She waited for the older woman to finish her rambling train of thought. "Yes Lenore, but imagine what might ensue after a sudden dismissal and a drawn-out search. We're completely unprepared for a change in leadership."

"Yes of course I have a vested personal interest. That's quite obvious."

Trees swayed and rustled, remaining leaves clattering and the grass pale late October green. Sun had warmed the car but a chill had stolen into the air.

"Listen. I was there for you all the way down the line on the vote to free the capital for the new athletic center. I hate to call in a chit, but this is simply a tempest in a teapot. You know that."

She waved through the windshield to Lily and June as they approached from the pitch, smiles broad.

"Good then. We're set. Yes I know you're taking a chance here. But now I'm counting on you. And Lenore – thank you. I do appreciate it. Okay. Bye then."

She put down her mobile as the girls climbed in. "Alright – who's for Indian takeaway?"

"I am I am I am I am," came a chorus from the back.

* * *

"Janet this is ridiculous. You know it. I know it. What the hell is going on?" Eleanor sat back on the leather sofa in Janet Grisham's office, above the rest of York's low roof line, giant windows surveying the river to the north.

"The horses are out of the barn, ridiculous or not. I've had three board members come to me, and Evan is looking to call a vote on it this week."

"Well I've dealt with Evan. And Julie Bowen. And Lenore Cumberland. I'm still on the board, and with your vote included we've more than enough to stop this lunacy. I've spoken with Tony Parish already – he thinks it's nonsense, and I've confirmed his support. And none of the other members even care; they just want it shut, one way or the other. They'll follow our lead."

"Well in that case why even have a vote? Let's just move on."

"Oh no. Evan's going to have his vote." Eleanor shook her head and raised her index finger. "Once he's voted down with everyone present, forced to go back on his ill-conceived bigotry, it will shut Caroline of him once and for all. It'll give her plenty of political cover once I'm gone."

Janet nodded. "OK then."

"And I'm going to need something from you. Because I want this to be unanimous." She met the older woman's curious gaze. "I need you to convince Patricia Greig to go the right way."

Janet laughed. "Never going to happen."

"You can find a way. I'll owe you."

"Well I think I'd rather have it that way than the other way around."

Eleanor's face was stern, no humor present. "Yes. You would."

"All right. All right. I'll see what I can do. Oh but she's had it in for Caroline forever. She's been waiting for this."

"Tell her it's the wrong time. Tell her she'll do herself more harm by seeming the lone, stubborn dissenter. Tell her it'll look like she cares more about her own agenda than the school. Just tell her whatever you have to in order to get it done." Eleanor smiled sweetly. If Patricia fell in line, Caroline would have nothing to worry about.

"It's really too bad we're losing you, Eleanor. I'd wanted you to Chair when my term is up next year. I'm just undoing Evan's damage now."

"We all want things Janet, believe me."

"You must have made a deal with the devil himself to change Evan's vote. That man is arcane."

Eleanor let her gaze fall over Janet's shoulder to study the flow of the river beyond. "The devil – she and I concluded our dealings a while ago. And it was quite an educational experience." Eleanor favored the river with a wan smile. "And Janet - this conversation, all of it, my role in any of this - stays between us for now."


	51. Chapter 51

"Now." Janet sat comfortably at the head chair, Governors flanking each side of the table, only a week after cautioning Caroline. Evan had called her to move the meeting up, which she done gladly. Better to have all of this over. "We have one agenda item. The vote on terminating Caroline Dawson's contract."

Silence fell and several governors found places to look other than at Janet or Eleanor.

"I don't think there's a critical mass for any action, em, at, eh, this point, Janet." Evan shifted about in his chair like a child.

"On the contrary. I think there is." Eleanor Strathclyde smiled and looked to each member present at the table. "In fact, I move that we vote on the motion as listed on the agenda, presently."

Julie Bowen met Eleanor's glance. "I second."

Evan shifted again. "I don't think that's necessary - "

Janet cut him off. "Motion has been seconded. Discussion?"

Eleanor piped up again. "I'd like to call the question." She looked pointedly at Lenore Bowen, who responded promptly. "Second."

Janet made a note, pausing more for effect than anything, and looked up. "Very well then. Motion made and seconded. All in favor of voting immediately?" A unanimous 'aye' was recorded, all eyes everywhere except on Eleanor.

"Division, please." Eleanor smiled sweetly at Evan, who visibly preferred to be anywhere but present.

"Very well. We'll roll call." Janet looked over to the secretary who was assiduously scribbling. He motioned his pen for her to continue. "In the matter of board action on Caroline McKenzie Dawson's contract, proposed termination effective 30 days, how say you? We will proceed immediately to my right and continue around the table."

Janet particularly enjoyed Evan's 'nay.' Julie Bowen actually smiled while casting her vote.

She nodded at the assembly, clicked her pen and shut her binder. "Very well done, everyone. Fantastic job at avoiding a pointless debacle. Now let's hope Caroline decides we're worth keeping. Meeting adjourned."

A louder than normal shuffling of papers and scraping of chairs ensued as the board sought to hide their embarrassment with an air of casual conviviality. Eleanor met Janet's eyes and tipped her head to the satisfied Chair, who dipped hers in silent approval and walked toward the younger woman. The remaining members were hastily tripping over each other to exit.

"Well done, Eleanor." Janet offered her hand, which Eleanor shook gently, smiling.

"I won't have Caroline trifled with." Eleanor winked at Janet and walked out of the library, heels clicking.

* * *

Eleanor nodded at Beverley on her way through to Caroline's office and paused. "Give us a minute? I think Caroline will be fine if you went on home. The vote went fine. It's all sorted."

"All right then. Goodnight Dr. Strathclyde."

"Have a good night, Beverley." She clicked the door shut to the inner office. Caroline was hard at work, manic almost, glancing between computer and binders, making hurried notes.

"Well then, how was it?" Caroline did not look up from her desk or even acknowledge Eleanor's approach. Her grey jacket hung on the back of the chair – uncharacteristically - and she seemed particularly vulnerable in a pink button down.

Eleanor folded herself neatly into the office chair opposite the desk. 'I think she actually means for this thing to be uncomfortable.'

"It's fine. As I told you it would be. Unanimous. I don't think you'll be having any more difficulty with the board."

Eleanor finally got her wish as Caroline's head came up to peer at her over the rim of her glasses.

"What about Evan?"

"Oh he got in line and voted correctly."

"That's a neat trick."

"Someone must have talked sense into him, finally. I know Janet chastised him several times."

"And Lenore? She's always ridden Evan's piety bandwagon. Patricia?"

"He must have had them follow his change of heart."

"Well it's a genuine miracle." The news seemed to finally set in with Caroline Exhaling, she sat back in her chair, removed her glasses and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. Her eyes shone brightly.

"It's not a miracle, Caroline, it's the board realizing what's best for this school. You."

"Thank you Eleanor. Janet mentioned you'd tried to sway Lenore the right way, and I appreciate it." Caroline smiled and reached a hand across the desk.

Eleanor took it and smiled back. "Anytime, Caroline. I did what I could." She grinned. "And of course, now you owe me."

Caroline closed her eyes and bowed her head, still holding Eleanor's hand across the desk. "Name your price, Lady Eleanor."

"One million - more - kisses."


	52. Chapter 52

"Hullo Dad." Eleanor sat on her sofa with her feet tucked under. The wind outside whipped the very last of leaves flying off the branches. Flora was right below her on the carpet, singing and babbling to herself, stuffies lined up and books galore in the mix.

"Why hello Ellie! I'd begun to wonder if it might be time to send out the St. Bernard."

She could hear the smile in her father's eyes at the other end of the line.

"No need. I'm right here. Always am."

"And how's this chilly autumn treating you?" His lyrical baritone was always soothing and Eleanor smiled.

"Staying warm Dad. Warm enough."

"Good. And how's your Caroline – I liked her. I hope you were sensible enough to right the ship?"

"Yes, I was."

"Excellent. Life is easy as you make it. Keep the good."

"Toss the rubbish - I know."

"Right then. Will you be bringing her up with you for your birthday next month?"

"Well." Eleanor sighed, glanced down to where Flora was plowing through the pile of books, turning pages rapidly and pausing to point out her favorite things.

"No. Because I'm not coming up this year. We're not coming up. The girls and I. We'll be staying in Harrogate."

"Oh now I am sorry to hear that, Ellie." George's disapproval came through, subtle, loud, and clear.

"I know. I know. But Mum – she's really gone and done it this time. Really all the way out of bounds."

"I thought you straightened that whole mess from the party."

"I did, with Caroline. But I warned Mum to steer clear – and I don't think she has. I think she's kept her nose in things and she started messing at Caroline's school, at Sulgrave Heath. And I don't think I can see past it. I really don't see how." She reached down absently and laid a palm on Flora's head, who looked up, smiled, and continued 'reading.'

"Is it really so different, this time, dear? You know Margaret. She's just testing the boundaries. She'll get over herself."

"I'm afraid it is." She continued to stare vacantly through the French doors and out at the now bare landscape that foretold the approach of winter. "She makes me - someone I'm not proud of, sometimes." Would Caroline understand that? Eleanor wasn't sure. But she wasn't ready to risk that yet. Caroline's position was safe. That was what mattered most.

"Alright." He paused and she heard him sigh at the other end of the line. Felt the hurt in the body language she couldn't even see. "Alright."

"Would you ever come to Harrogate for my birthday?" Now she studied the pattern of the couch cushion.

"Oh Ellie."

"I know dad. But I just want you to know that I want you here."

"I'll come down – next week – for a visit. Pop in for the day. But I can't do that to Margaret. Your birthday means a lot to her."

"And why can't you? She's free to do whatever she likes to the rest of us." Anger rippled through Eleanor's tone. Flora looked up. Eleanor smiled down, reassuring her, and the girl resumed her happy babble.

"Because she's my wife. I'm bound to love her – and to respect her. We made vows, Eleanor. And you don't break vows – "

Eleanor cut him off and finished his sentence. "- because they're inconvenient. I know that, Dad. Lord knows you're reminded me often enough – had to, because of mum."

"The fact remains." George's tone was stern, but not unkind. "I'll come down – spend the day with you and the girls. I miss them terribly. Seeing you grow into a lovely woman was one thing. Watching them turn into beautiful young ladies in their own right – well it's another matter. Warms my old, cold heart."

"Caroline said that they're a miracle. I think she was right."

"And I like her even more. See if she's about, when I'm down. I'd love to get to know her better."

"I will, Dad. Thank you."

"I'm so proud of you, Eleanor. Every day." The natural confidence in George's tone made everything he said ring the truth.

Eleanor smiled. "Thanks. I love you. I'll give your best to the girls. They'll be excited to see you."

"And I them. I love you Ellie. Good afternoon."

"Bye."

She clicked off and sat still and silent a moment longer before standing and picking up Flora, lifting her high above her head until she giggled. She tucked her under one arm and Flora stuck her arms out 'like supergirl,' as Greg had taught her. "Snack snack snack." She laughed as Eleanor trotted her into the kitchen.

"Yes! Let's do it! Snack! Snack!" Eleanor twisted her out of her arms and offered up a high five. "What'll it be, then, Flora? Apples? Celery? Crackers and cheese?"

"Cookie." Flora's big brown eyes were pleading and serious.

"Oh no way, little miss. Your mum's due back from school any moment. And I won't be caught red-handed feeding you cookies." Eleanor smiled and waved a finger.

"Cookie." Flora's resolve was steadfast.

Eleanor stood tall and put her hands on her hips, gazed down and frowned as Flora looked up. "Stubborn. Just like your Mum." She bent down at the knees, eye to eye with the stubborn toddler. "And I don't think I've yet figured out how _you_ tick." She smiled and placed the tip of her index finger on Flora's nose. "I'll make a deal with you. Half an apple and one – very small – cookie."

"Cookie." A mischievous smile snuck on to Flora's face.

Eleanor narrowed her eyes. "And apple."

Flora acquiesced. "Apple."

"Oh very good. I think we've made progress." Eleanor smiled and lifted Flora up with her as she stood, set her on the counter top. "You're miles easier than your Mum. But just as irresistible."

* * *

Crisis of the moment resolved, Caroline's thoughts had turned to the festive. Eleanor's birthday next month. The first birthday for which Caroline would be responsible for getting a gift. Just the right gift. The right first gift. She was too anxious about doing it well not to solicit help.

"Caroline am I seriously who you're calling for advice on what to give your posh girlfriend for her birthday?"

"Well my back's against the wall here, Gillian. It's only two weeks. A little compassion, if you please?" Caroline's face was haughty and she tapped her pen against her desk. It's getting to be a maelstrom out there. She watched the trees sway back and forth out her window.

"Oh fine. Look - what're you thinking, then? Let's start at that."

"Scarf."

Gillian didn't even bother with words and give a dismissive 'chuff.'

"Oh I know. Vapid." Caroline frowned at herself.

"Maybe not something looks like you just fetched it from the store on your way over?"

"Right."

"Right."

Caroline narrowed her eyes and gave the mental wheels a good turn. "Jewelry?" She took of her readers and pinched the bridge of her nose and gave a thoughtful wince.

"Well yeah. But that's a broad category."

"I know." Caroline gave the phone cord a twist and now a smile began on her face as she imagined Eleanor out and about in the world, wearing something Caroline had given her – a sweater, a pin, a necklace, maybe a new hand bag. People asking her about it. Perhaps a smile on Eleanor's face too, as she told them where it had come from. Caroline in Eleanor's life, even when she wasn't there physically.

"Anythin' she's had her eye on? Something or other you've see her notice?"

Caroline's eyes narrowed again. Had she ever noticed Eleanor, noticing anything? She couldn't recall. A moment a very long time ago with Kate skirted her memory – a moment together on the bench in her garden. Kate chastising Caroline for being self-centered.

"I suppose I haven't been terribly observant."

"You missing something about someone else? Nah." Gillian laughed.

"Oh stop." Caroline accepted the jest and the underlying truth. She smiled as she heard the racket of Calamity and Raff and Robbie on the background.

Gillian held up the mobile and shouted above the din. "Oy – you lot – what you think Caroline ought to get her girlfriend for her birthday?" The crew turned.

"Xbox!" Shouted Raff.

"Snow tires!" offered Robbie.

Gillian brought the phone back to her ear. "There you 'have it, then."

"Oh you're just all kinds of help, aren't you?" Caroline scowled, then smiled.

"At your service."

"Indeed."

"Look, Caroline. Just try to imagine yourself in her shoes for a minute."

Caroline's eyes lit. "Oh Gillian. That's it. "Shoes.". There was something Eleanor had had her eye on.

"Oh no Caroline – shoes?"

"We wear the same size. And I'm not thinking about a new pair of house slippers"

"Ah. And you wear the same styles I'm thinking."

"Often."

"Well if that's the case, then, yeah, that's a proper posh gift."

"It's at least a place to start. Thanks, Gillian." Caroline smiled, twirled from her desk chair and made her way to the coat closet with a new sense of confidence.

"Any time, Caroline. Bye then."

"Bye bye." She clicked off and clocked out for the day, off to pick up Flora from Eleanor's. Perhaps life fell in line. At times. For a while. She'd enjoy _this_ while very much.


	53. Chapter 53

"June – do you have a moment?" Caroline had rushed out of a meeting to catch June as she finished up her last class of the day. She arrived at the door just as the bell rang, stood to the side and beckoned the girl over.

"Yes of course, Miss." June nodded deferentially and smiled at Caroline, eager to please.

 _'She rather favors her mother, doesn't she?'_ Caroline could see Eleanor in June, much more so than in Lily, though for personality Eleanor was much more like her youngest child. _'She's got her hair. Her eyes, her mannerisms. Eleanor must have been quite willowy when she was younger.'_

Caroline reassembled her thoughts. "Have you anything right now, can we chat?"

"I'm meeting study group at the library in fifteen, so I can chat."

"Good. I'll walk you over." Caroline began and June met her stride.

Caroline stopped and took a deep breath. "June. Your mother's birthday. I need a favor."

"Yes sure! Can't believe it's just two weeks now. But we're all having brunch on Saturday, uncle Jonathan, Aunt Bella, and grandfather will be there too." June's eyes shone in excitement.

"Yep. I know – she's asked me to join, Flora of course. And Alan and Celia if they can, though mum's still under the weather."

"Of course she has. You're on the team, after all. In for a penny with us." June touched Caroline's arm, tentatively. "I'm sorry about your mother. I hope she's feeling better."

"Thank you June. She's doing quite well, actually. Back on her feet already."

"Good." June gave a positive nod. "What is it that I can do for you Miss? Um, Caroline?"

Caroline stopped again in the middle of the quiet passageway. "Well. It's just that I'd like to do something for your mother's birthday, her actual birthday, and I think I need some help."

June's eyes lit when Caroline insinuated a surprise might be in the works. "Oh!"

Caroline enjoyed the innocent smile on June's face. _'She's all the Eleanor with none of the bravado. No mantle of ego to keep away those who might be dangerous.'_

"Yes. Well, first of all, can you tell me, do you know if she's anything planned for her actual birthday weekend?"

"Oh I don't think so. We usually go up to Cayton, so since we're not, I think it's all clear."

A shadow of Margaret passed through Caroline's mind and she hid her expression from June, glanced about to be sure they were still speaking in confidence.

"OK then. That's good. You see I'd like to book us away. I was thinking we could weekend together, just the two of us, just down to Leeds, to get a jump on Christmas shopping." _'And a jump on a lot of other things I won't be mentioning in this conversation.'_

June's eyes almost popped out of her head. "Oh Caroline that's absolutely SO romantic. Christmas shopping!" She clasped her hands in front of her and practically bounced in her loafers. "You have to. Mum will love it. She loves Christmas shopping. I mean, she loves shopping. But Christmas shopping… it's her absolute favorite."

"I caught on to that." Caroline smiled at June's excitement and felt affirmed in taking the risk. "In any case, can I ask if you'd have Zoe get in touch with me, so we can square away you girls?" Caroline finally uncrossed her arms, clasped her notebook at her waist instead.

"Oh totally. Of course. Zoe will be thrilled. She's mad over you and mum." June rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Well that's – good – to hear, I think. Let me know?" Caroline turned and they began walking again toward the library.

"Absolutely. And it's our secret. I'll tell Lily, of course, but you can count on me, Caroline." June's shoulders lifted and she smiled again. "Oh Mum's going to love it!"

"Thank you June." Caroline stopped again and turned, laid a hand on June's shoulder – though the girl was almost her height, now.

"Of course! Any time." June nodded again and continued on down the hallway.

Caroline turned, broad smile on her face and eyes bright with anticipation.


	54. Chapter 54

Eleanor awoke to a sunny dawn and the smell of tea and warm scones. She smiled sleepily. "You've remembered our contract."

"In the hopes that you'll keep inviting me to stay over."

"Well, I suppose you continue to make a very convincing argument."

Caroline planted palms and knees on either side of Eleanor and frowned down at her, followed up with a kiss on her nose. "Oh I'm glad to hear you're satisfied."

"I'm very, very satisfied Caroline. But I could always be more satisfied." Eleanor grinned suggestively and began to tug off Caroline's thermal. Determined, she ignored Caroline's protestations and darted her hands around the other woman's attempts to fend her off.

Caroline collapsed onto Eleanor and finally just tickled her into breathless submission. "Enough from you. And – I've got your birthday present."

Eleanor stopped squirming abruptly and met Caroline's eyes. "Birthday present?"

"Yes. Birthday present."

Eleanor's eyes lit and Caroline pointed to the closet, in front of which sat a pair of new knee-high leather boots, red bow on top. Eleanor sat up, playfully pushed Caroline to the side, and stood. She turned, her eyes wide. "The Sam Edelmans I'd had my eye on…!"

"Yep. The Penny's. You'd wanted the whisky brown?"

Eleanor piled out of bed and plopped down next to them cross-legged, picked each up to admire them with a smile on her face. She felt just like a kid at Christmas, totally mussed and uncaring, pajamas askew, sitting under the tree. She set them back down, jumped up and ran back over and tackled Caroline on the bed. "They're perfect. Thank you!"

"And they'll be perfect to wear shopping in Leeds next weekend."

Eleanor gave her a suspicious look. "Shopping next weekend?"

"Yep. You and me, two nights in Leeds and all the hustle and bustle you can handle. Sort of a holiday staycation. I've even arranged for Zoe to stay with the girls."

Eleanor threw her arms around Caroline's neck.

Caroline continued on, now a bit nervous. "I know you were terribly excited to go to London, the big city and all; shopping in the boutiques, theater, your favorite sticky toffee - and that got - derailed - a bit. So I thought we'd do a cosmopolitan weekend and maybe – well, I've heard you're fond of Christmas shopping?"

Eleanor's eyes were merry and she was clearly delighted; a bit at a loss for words that Caroline would be so bold as to surprise her, and had paid attention enough to remember how much she'd anticipated the lights and bustle, the culture and the energy of London. Leeds might not be London, but the thought of the city totally blanketed in Christmas. Lit trees and lights, music drifting by, smiling crowds and the chill in the air as they made their way from place to place; window shopping, finding just the right gift for June or Lily. Browsing the cases at Carat, walking all day until their feet hurt and stopping at a café for espresso. Chatting about all they'd seen and then grabbing dinner somewhere random that turned out to be absolutely the perfect spot. Hurrying through the twinkling lights and warm glow to the closest bar for a nightcap… with… room service in the morning. With champagne. And all of it together with Caroline at her side, all of the happy sights and sounds of it reflected in her eyes. Eleanor lost herself in the daydream for a moment.

"We're right central, basically at the Old Post Office. Victoria Quarter, all the posh stores are a few streets away. I know they've even got an open air holiday market… we can go out as much – or as little – as we want." She smiled and took Eleanor's hands as they sat on the side of the bed. "Does it sound all right? Have I done well?"

"And 36 hours of you – just you – all to myself?" Eleanor rolled her eyes. "Caroline we could be going to the moon for all I care, if it means I can have you – uninterrupted – for a day or two. But this sounds perfect. I love it. I love you." Eleanor saw the worry lessen from Caroline's face and she did love her awfully in that exact moment. She pounced.

"Eleanor." Caroline laughed as an eager Eleanor pinned her and covered her in excited kisses. "Okay."

"No. You still owe me somewhere in the neighborhood of 990,000 kisses, and I'm not letting you out of your arrangement." Eleanor continued to cover her in kisses as they both descended into laughter.

* * *

June was in the kitchen and Lily at her ipad on the couch when they made their way downstairs an hour later; smiling, satisfied – and ready for the day. Flora was on her blanket on the floor, singing to herself and rummaging through toys. Caroline went over and smoothed her hair, smiled at her. Flora looked up and laughed and waved. "Mum!" Caroline sat down and pulled her into her lap.

Eleanor had set the house for brunch the night before, and the dining table was jammed. Alan and Celia had begged off, but it still left seven at the table and Flora. Caroline looked up from the living room with Flora to Eleanor and June, heads down in the kitchen. "Everything looks lovely, ladies."

The pair looked up in unison. June replied. "Thanks Caroline!"

Eleanor's mobile rang. She looked down at it, scowled deeply, and sighed. June caught sight of the screen, looked up at her mom and made a sympathetic face. Eleanor shook her head. "Might as well."

She picked up, already walking toward the stairs. She met Caroline's curious gaze and gave her a silent 'OK' gesture. "Hello mum."

* * *

Eleanor's voice trailed off a she closed the bedroom door. Caroline was curious but dismissed it and resumed enjoying Flora-time.

"I have less than ten minutes, Mother. You know Dad and Jonathan are on the way."

"I do." Margaret sounded patient on the other end of the line, as though ten minutes were more than enough time for her.

"I'm not going to apologize to you."

"Have I asked you to?"

Eleanor sighed. "What can I do for you, Mum?"

"Well you've proven your point. You can stop this temper tantrum."

Eleanor, furious, remained silent. It was a tactic she'd learned from Margaret, and it initiated a quiet, crackling standoff.

Margaret spoke first. "You asked for détente. Consider it done. You and Caroline have my support."

Eleanor did not trust herself to speak, but acknowledged her mother. "OK." She steeled herself and took a deep breath, focused on the long run. "Thank you Mum."

"And since I won't see you next week, happy birthday."

"Yes. Right. Thank you." The tears in Eleanor's eyes were of anger and sadness.

"You're what I love most in this world, Eleanor."

Eleanor clenched her fists as tears spilled over. Her voice was hoarse and just a whisper. "I know that Mother. Thank you. I love you."

"Good then. We'll see each other before Christmas."

"We'll see. Maybe."

"Good. I'll ring you soon."

"OK."

Eleanor clicked off. She sat on the bed for a moment, then went to the en-suite to wash her face and collect herself before returning downstairs, smiling as though she meant it.

* * *

George, Jonathan and Bella all arrived at once. Each held a bottle of Moet for Eleanor. Hugs were exchanged all around, and George immediately stole to the living room with June and Lily, after warmly greeting and apparently being deemed acceptable by Flora.

Jonathan, Bella, Eleanor and Caroline all congregated at the bar top at the kitchen island. Bella smiled and tipped her glass to Eleanor. "This is my favorite birthday of yours already."

Eleanor raised an eyebrow in caution, but smiled. "No need to ask." She clinked glasses with Bella.

"Well it is a change up, Ellie dear." Jonathan sipped his coffee and gave a supportive glance over the rim to Eleanor.

Caroline felt on the outside but wasn't sure if she wanted in.

Bella smiled at Caroline. "Your daughter is flawless. She's beautiful."

Caroline smiled broadly and nodded. "Takes after her mum."

"Then Kate was beautiful as well."

Bella smiled warmly and Jonathan finished the sentiment for them. "Quite sorry for your loss, Caroline."

Caroline accepted the condolences, as she had so many times before, graciously. "Thank you."

Eleanor had gone to the oven, where she pulled out two large plates of waffles.

"Looks delicious as always, Eleanor. You've ruined Jonathan on baked goods, and I expect you're heading to do the same with Caroline, here." Bella rolled her eyes in exasperation.

Caroline found a way in. "Eleanor and her scones have already been my absolute downfall; I'm hopelessly addicted."

Bella laughed heartily. "To which one?" She winked at Caroline and smiled.

Caroline, feeling feisty and genuinely fond of Bella, winked right back. "Fair enough question. Both."

Bella laughed again. "You've finally hooked a live one Eleanor."

Eleanor crossed her arms, tilted her glass to Caroline, and grinned.

Brunch was lovely. Jonathan and Bella were as warm and gracious as Eleanor and George, who was clearly over the moon in love with June and Lily. The family was clearly at ease and had also clearly found a way to each other around Margret. Caroline wondered when, and if, she might ever become adept at it.

* * *

It was late afternoon when the Cayton group set off and they finished clearing up, and despite a brief appearance from the sun it looked like rain intended to set in as the wind picked up outside.

Caroline packed up Flora, which was less a task since Eleanor had cleared space for her things in 'Zoe's guest room.'

Loaded up in the entry she waved goodbye to the girls and turned to Eleanor. "Brunch was fantastic. Thanks for including me."

"It wouldn't have been the same without you."

Caroline smiled. "Text me. We'll set next weekend."

The sleeve of Eleanor's cardigan had come up over her hand and Caroline felt its warm softness as Eleanor put a palm to Caroline's cheek and pulled her in for a sweet and vulnerable kiss, her brown eyes sparkling. "Can't wait."


	55. Chapter 55

"I know you love Vivaldi, but I just can't do it in December, Caroline. All the violins and ponderous piano. It's just too much." Eleanor promptly unhooked Caroline's mobile from the Jeep and replaced it with hers.

"No?" Caroline's imperious look was indulgent. "And instead we have…?"

"Saint-Saëns. Carnival of the Animals. For starters. Aquarium is of course the most appropriate for December, but I think the Fossils are my favorite. Maybe the Swan."

"I'm glad you're here to save me from my horrid taste in music."

"I am as well. Terribly out of season." Eleanor clucked her disapproval.

Caroline looked over and smiled broadly at Eleanor, who now seemed very satisfied with herself and clearly happier about the musical selection as they drove on to Leeds for the weekend. They managed to skirt some, but not all, of the weekend holiday traffic and finally pulled up to the hotel in the early evening. They unloaded their bags with the bell hop and sent the car off with the valet.

She couldn't help the small twinge of anxiety she felt in her stomach as she stepped up to the front desk, Eleanor at her side. Thousands of thoughts and feelings collided and she pasted on her most authoritative headmistress look.

"Um, registering – Caroline McKenzie Dawson." She offered the clerk a credit card and a guarded smile.

"My pleasure, Ms. McKenzie Dawson." The young man tapped at his keyboard, looked up from his computer, met her eyes, and smiled warmly. "We have you in a king suite, two nights - checking out Sunday?"

Caroline offered a single, affirmative nod. "Yep."

"Wonderful. How many keys then?"

"Em – two, please." Caroline betrayed herself with a quick glance toward Eleanor. _'I'm being silly._ S _he's worth it. This is worth anything. Lesson learned.'_

"My pleasure. Lifts are to the right. You're on the 10th floor, toward the end of the hallway to the left. I see we have the bell hop bringing your bags, and he should be up within the next five minutes."

He made appropriate directional gestures, but Caroline missed most of it completely as the blood continued its mad rush through her head.

"Enjoy your weekend ladies, and please do let us know if we can be of service."

Caroline smiled, nodded again and remained mute as he handed her the key cards. She'd not told Eleanor about her spectacular failure when she'd attempted a romantic weekend away with Kate, was far too embarrassed. She still felt at times that Eleanor was a step ahead when it came to being a practiced lesbian. Maybe she'd spill the _next_ time they escaped together….

"What was that all about?" Eleanor looked over at Caroline as they rode up.

"What was what all about?"

"Why was headmistress Caroline checking us in to the hotel?" Eleanor looked equal parts amused and curious.

"I've no idea what you mean." Caroline's tight lips indicated she'd prefer not to continue the discussion. Internally she was giving a tremendous exhale – and patting herself on the back.

"Alright." Eleanor smiled and followed Caroline in to the room. She immediately pulled back the drapes to uncover the city lights twinkling around them, green, white, and red. Purple and blue here and there. She placed her hands at her hips and smiled. Caroline came up behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist, rested her chin on her shoulder. Eleanor tilted her head to meet Caroline's. "This is a perfectly lovely way to spend my birthday. Thank you."

A knock at the door. Caroline answered and tipped the bellhop, who per request placed the day before, brought a chilled bottle of champagne and flutes along with their bags. She removed her scarf and unwrapped the foil and the cage. Caroline noticed that Eleanor had ventured away to the en-suite.

Caroline turned, bottle in hand and stopped mid-way as Eleanor strolled back into the room, brown-auburn hair down in waves falling past her shoulders, wearing _almost_ nothing. "You don't mind if we take a break before heading out for dinner, do you?"

Burgundy instantly became Caroline's very favorite color as she loosed the cork on the champagne with her thumb. "Nope."

* * *

It was quite late and quite dark by the time they noticed that they'd sailed past any respectable dinner hour.

"I'm famished, Caroline. You've absolutely exhausted me." Eleanor turned under the hotel sheet and sighed dramatically. She rolled onto her back and smiled at the ceiling. _'A night of shagging followed by late-night dinner and cocktails, followed by more shagging. Waking up for more - shagging - and then – shopping and uninterrupted Caroline, all to myself. Chatting away all day long, lost in her own endless monologues. This weekend is already everything I'd hoped it might be. I never want it to end. I never want her to end.'_ A sliver of anxiety passed through Eleanor and she quickly dismissed it.

"Have I?" Caroline kissed her temple.

"Completely."

"Mmmm. What should we do about that?"

Eleanor shrugged.

Caroline smiled and reached over to grab her mobile. "Ah. Something called Dish – known for its cocktails - just down the street. Open another couple hours."

"Divine."

* * *

They split a bowl of very rich mac and cheese, strong sharp cheddar flavor in a sauce that was still very creamy. Eleanor finally got her wish and sticky toffee pudding, a single candle at the top. She blew it out, eyes lingering on Caroline as she did, who was simply satisfied watching Eleanor savor her desert.

They returned to the hotel after a stroll through city lights to reawaken them. As they crossed the central square to the hotel, tree lit in the center and lights twinkling, Eleanor snagged a passerby and handed him her mobile. "Can you take a picture for us?"

He smiled. "Sure." Caroline was surprised, but it all happened too quickly for her to be uncomfortable. He stood back and held up the mobile. "OK – ready?" He paused for them to pose and smile, and Eleanor quickly turned to kiss Caroline on the cheek. He captured the moment and smiled at the screen, gave a thumbs-up. "Good one."

He handed Eleanor back the mobile. "Merry Christmas, ladies."

"Thanks – Merry Christmas!" Eleanor waved.

She grabbed Caroline at the elbow and they walked on. "Perfect."

* * *

"I know I should know the answer to this, but I'm absolutely too muddled to think straight." Caroline's head was turned and she was gazing over the city through the sheer curtains as the sun came up. "Is it possible for a person to actually run out of endorphins?"

"Mmmmm don't know." Eleanor gave a sleepy response. "Let's find out." She smiled but clearly had no real intention of waking.

Caroline did feel muddled, but it was within a haze of contentment. Her eyes rested on the landscape beyond, not really focused but alive, observant, wandering from here to there as Eleanor lay tucked under her arm at her side. She turned her head back to look at Eleanor as the sun started to light the room. It glowed softly on her hair, touched her lips and her nose and eyelashes as she lay peacefully, brows free of waking worries and the stillness of sleep creating an experience removed from the normal flow of time. An immortality of a moment that resonated in Caroline's heart.

* * *

After breakfast of charcuterie and champagne from room service - Eleanor pouted and teased and coaxed until Caroline agreed, secretly meaning to the whole time - they finally made their way out into the bright winter sunshine.

They strolled, arm in arm, shopped, chatted, laughed, teased and told stories of Christmas past all day long. The weather held out and the sparkle and spirit of the season imbued them with happiness. It wasn't everything they'd both wanted for the weekend – it was more.

Divergent in their remaining shopping goals they snuck away from each other for an hour or so at the end of the day, and Caroline and Eleanor were both a little glad for the chance to reflect and internalize the rush of it all, to be apart but know that the other was thinking about her. They met back at the hotel where the room was generously sprinkled with bright shopping bags.

"The bellhop will have his work cut out for him." Caroline surveyed the room and smiled.

"I'm an excellent tipper." Eleanor grinned. "But let's not think about that quite yet?"

"Nope. I've got other things on my mind."

"Oh do tell."

"Taking off these heels."

Eleanor grinned. "Just the heels?"

Caroline's eyes narrowed and crinkled in a smile. "And what else would you like me to take off?"

* * *

As the sun began to set and the lights outside began to twinkle, Eleanor unwound from a dozing Caroline and snuck into the loo. She lingered on her reflection in the mirror over the sink, the unconscious smile that darkened as she thought about what she needed to tell Caroline, the secret she had that she didn't want between them anymore. The fact of what she'd done for the sole reason that she had always instinctively, fiercely, protected what she held closest. She knew that putting this weekend between now and then would probably make it all the worse, in the end. But she'd been unable to bring herself to confess. She told herself that the heartache could wait.

She emerged from the en-suite, pasted a confident and expectant smile on her face as a mussed Caroline looked up from tousled bed sheets. "Now – sleepy head - where are we going for dinner?"

* * *

The morning came all too quickly - and while they were both excited to get back to their families, an air of disappointment hung between them.

"I don't want to go." Eleanor pouted and fiddled at Caroline's scarf as they waited in the lobby for the valet and the Jeep, rain passing through again and a damp chill in the air.

"I know. Neither do I. All I've got tomorrow are year-end budgets and reviews. I'd much rather be with you." Caroline smiled confidently at Eleanor. "Ah." The valet appeared, car loaded.

They climbed in and clicked their seatbelts. Caroline paused, hands on the wheel, and looked over to Eleanor. "This was exactly what I'd wanted for us. I want - to spend more time with you, Eleanor. I love you."

Eleanor reached over and put a hand on Caroline's. "Thank you. This has been the best birthday I've had in ages. Really. Thank you Caroline. Love you back." _'I'll tell her this week. I'll tell her, and whatever comes, I can take it.'_

If she did see it, Caroline didn't give any indication that she noticed the sadness at the very back of Eleanor's eyes, the fear. She was too happily distracted as they pulled away for home.


	56. Chapter 56

Alan and Caroline sat in the hospital cafeteria, Flora strapped into her carrier and patting happily at a mobile. They nursed their tea, neither really in the mood but grateful for something in their hands. They expected Celia's procedure to take an hour or so. She was to go home with them that afternoon. Not a great deal of drama, in the scheme of things.

But at Celia and Alan's age nothing had to be dramatic to be worrisome. Her stomach upset over the summer had resulted in an easy procedure, just like this one, to remove a growth. Caroline had exhaled, thinking it all behind them. Then, the troubles had recurred. Though another benign entity had taken up residence in her mother's body, the repetition triggered an anxiety in Caroline she couldn't quiet. Her mother's advancing age wasn't something she could ignore any longer. Most troublesome, underneath it all, was a panic of the unresolved. She pondered it all as she sat mesmerized by Flora's happy play.

They were both quiet this morning, both devastated with their own concerns for Celia, contemplating her role in their life and what a change in that role would mean. He had confessed he worried Celia was hurting. Caroline worried she'd not done enough for her mum, and wondered if that feeling would ever change. She was gloriously happy with Eleanor - but had she been too focused on her relationship, and not on her Mum? The magic of the weekend past stole through her heart. No. She had room for all of it. Eleanor in her life somehow _made_ more room for all of it.

"So you're all set for when she gets home. In the guest house?" Caroline's stern face looked over to Alan's anxious one, who smiled in response.

"I reckon we are, yes. Thank you." He reached over and laid a hand over Caroline's. "For everything. For being here today, staying with me."

"Of course Alan. I wouldn't be anywhere else." Caroline reached back and swept her hair up and out from under her scarf. It was chilly in the cafeteria, in the hospital, and she was still bundled.

"I know you wouldn't be. She knows that too."

"Does she?" Caroline's inquisitive look carried a touch of defensiveness.

"She does, love. Every minute."

Caroline took a sip of tea and looked away, out the windows. She looked back as Flora murmured. She smiled down at her. "Good."

"She loves you something fierce, Caroline."

She looked down at the orange Formica table. "I know. It's just that it's hard to tell that, sometimes." Talking to Alan was the easiest thing she'd ever done. He was gentle. Kind. That was something he'd in common with her father that she loved about him. That about ended the list, but it was true nonetheless.

"She's a tough one to love. I'll give you that." He smiled and laughed. "But you forget, dear, that I knew your mother all those years ago. Knew her before even you did, see."

"Yes of course you did." Caroline's expression softened as her mind touched on the long road Celia and Alan had taken to find love.

"I knew a Celia who was easy as breathing and loved very openly. She's changed, I'll give you that." Alan frowned and picked at the lid of his tea. "I'd never say anything about your father, Caroline. About Kenneth. None of my business. But all those years with him. Well, they took a toll on Celia." He did not look up to meet Caroline's stare.

"Yes. I know they did. I saw that." Caroline nodded and tears filled her eyes. "And I can see what you've done to her, Alan. You're changing her, too."

He laughed. "I suppose I see something in your Mum not everyone else does. Makes it easier to take her just as she is."

Caroline smiled and she reached over to take Alan's hand this time. "I see it too, Alan. And you bring it out in her, for the rest of the world to enjoy. When she lets you. She's better off for you – we all are."

Alan swiped at eyes that had misted over. "Love changes people."

"Right." Caroline squeezed Alan's hand and narrowed her blue eyes in a loving smile. "It does."

Alan checked his watch. "We'll head back now? She's due out."

Caroline smiled and stood, offered her hand to Alan again for a final squeeze as they left to meet Ceila in recovery. Her mood was lifted, but her anxiety wasn't. She wasn't looking forward to the week ahead. She looked down at Flora in her carrier, smiling as ever. Then again, Christmas mornings wouldn't be anything but squealing and joy for the foreseeable future. And there was something to that, wasn't there?


	57. Chapter 57

_'Hello darling.'_

 _'Hello'_

 _'What are you doing?'_

 _'Working. You?'_

 _'Working. Wearing your favorite heels. And thinking of you.'_

 _' : -) '_

 _'I need a favor – can you text Jane – you know I've got the Christmas party coming up weekend after next and I want you to invite her._ _I think she should meet Zoe. ;-) '_

 _'oooh - splendid idea – I'll wrangle her.'_

 _'Fantastic'_

Caroline smiled, a rare sight on a Monday morning and this one in particular as she continued hovering over her mother. The week past Eleanor had been quiet, but Caroline had been as well, caring for Celia and trying to get the house together for the holidays. Her stress level wasn't at an all time high, but she was on edge. She set her mobile back on her desk, adjusted her glasses and turned back to the computer. The phone buzzed again a few minutes later.

 _'Caroline'_

 _'Yes?'_

 _'Can I invite myself over for dinner this week?'_

Caroline smiled. Time with Eleanor and Flora, together, was exactly what she needed. _'Of course'_

 _'Wednesday?'_

 _'Yes. Can't wait.'_

 _'OK. See you then'_

 _'xo'_

She frowned, expecting Eleanor's 'xxx' sign off, but assumed she must have been pulled away.

* * *

Caroline arrived home Wednesday night, tossed her work bag, her keys and her overcoat in the entry in her rush to greet Eleanor. She walked through the hallway, heels clicking, and loosed her long blonde hair and ran a hand through it quickly. She came up behind Eleanor in the kitchen, wrapped her arms around her and nuzzled at her neck. She needed to check on Celia, needed to do a lot of things, and she was more than on edge about most of it. But this came first.

Eleanor smiled and leaned back into her arms. "Welcome home."

"Thank you."

"Wine?"

"Why yes – I think so." Caroline smiled, picked up the bottle and the empty glass beside it. "What's for dinner?"

"I've just pulled stuffed squash out of the oven."

"Perfect."

Eleanor continued to smile, but it did not touch her eyes. "Caroline."

Her tone caught Caroline's attention. Not in a good way. "Yes?"

* * *

Eleanor heaved a rattling sigh and put down her wine glass as she prepared to yank the tail of the stray who had finally begun to trust her. She stepped away from Caroline, to the other side of the brightly lit kitchen. Preparing for, or perhaps hoping to ward off, the painful blow to come. She'd not even started to talk and felt a sting of tears at her eyes.

"Is everything alright?" Caroline came toward her, concern all over her face.

Eleanor held up a hand to stop her. Took a deep breath and collected herself. "There's something I've been needing to tell you."

Unable to hold it in any longer, she began to confess what had transpired the month previous around Sulgrave Heath and with the board. Looking up, down, to the side, sometimes at Caroline when she could bear for a moment the ice building in the other woman's eyes, slowly freezing her out.

After she'd finished, Caroline was silent for a good stretch of time. Eleanor could sense the tight coil of anger building within her, her shoulders creeping back, her eyes dissecting her, assessing, and her mouth setting in a thin line.

"I don't know what to say here, Eleanor. Except that perhaps you'd better leave. You'd better just leave and give me some time to think about what I'm going to do next." Caroline's eyes were so terribly angry. So terribly cold.

Eleanor expected the response, but the blow still hurt. "I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner. After all I'd done, all I'd tried to do, to have you trust me - after all of it wasn't ever enough, I didn't know what to tell you about this. I wanted to just fix things for you, but I'd realized suddenly that all the pretending for you that I was perfect was at an end. And I didn't know how to say something. I didn't want to say something. I knew I had to. But I was terrified that you would... -" _'Do this.'_ Eleanor turned away, covered her mouth and closed her eyes as tears spilled out.

* * *

Caroline was so angry, felt so blindsided that she couldn't deal with the sight of Eleanor crying. She turned her back and stalked into the living room. She was still collecting her thoughts and began speaking in the middle of them. "So, I mean, Julie, Lenore – whoever – whatever OK. Fine. Fine - it's how business is done. And I actually appreciate it. I do. You're probably the only one on that board who could pull off something like that." Caroline paced across her living room and waved a hand in a 'whatever' gesture, before she stopped to face Eleanor. "But you blackmailed Evan Crenshaw?"

Eleanor fired right back from the kitchen, body language and expression just as aggressive now. "I absolutely did. And I'd do it again. He's a total asshole, and he deserved it. You don't know the half of it. He had it coming and more, Caroline."

Caroline narrowed her eyes. "You are just like your mother, aren't you? You warned me about that. I should have listened more closely." She shook her head, hair flying out of her clip, which she wrenched free from its sloppy place at the back of her head.

Eleanor's eyes closed and her face fell. It appeared that Caroline had finally landed a direct hit through the one chink in the armor. Shot with taught bow and careless velocity the only arrow that could pierce Eleanor instantly.

Anger and temptation to yield, to grant mercy, danced side by side in Caroline's mind as all the bravado and power and grace of Eleanor evaporated before her.

* * *

Eleanor stayed silent. Waited for her great gamble, her great risk, her great hope, to continue crumbling away. Caroline's blue eyes were sharper and more fixed on her than a bird of prey with a field mouse in its soaring sights.

"Well?" Caroline stood, shoulders back and arms crossed.

"I don't know - I don't know what else to say, but that I'm sorry. I am. But I did exactly what I know how to do. Protect what I love. I told you that I'd take you as you are, any day, all day long. I'd take this merciless, unyielding anger and all of the rest of it - all together - to be with you."

Eleanor brushed defiance across her face that she didn't feel and attempted to reassemble herself. "Will you take me as I am as well?"

* * *

Caroline remained silent. Seeing Eleanor, stripped of all that had seemed to make her Eleanor, knowing that she had been the one to do it, to say the thing that broke her in this way, toppled something in Caroline. But she had trusted - and she had been betrayed.

"I tried to pay the price for you trust in me, Caroline. But it was so impossibly high." Eleanor looked up and shook her head. "I knew I was going to let you down, eventually. No one can live without making mistakes – it can't be done. At least not for two people who have anything real between them."

Caroline measured her target and readied her strike. "I'm sorry Eleanor, it's only that I never know exactly who you are. It seems to change, and I just don't know if I can keep up." She crossed her arms and set her face, as though the discussion were over.

"I'm going home now. And don't think I'm leaving you. I won't let that be your final justification for your own stubbornness. You're the one who's left me. Over and over - all the mistrust I've put up with. Accusing me of sleeping with Zoe behind your back. Accusing me of colluding with Mother. I'm going home to my girls. I'm going home where I don't have to be afraid." Eleanor did not look at Caroline as she walked past her and into the entry. She picked up her coat and turned back, slowly advancing. "But before I do – before I go - you have to admit one thing. Just one bloody thing." She held up her index finger. "You have to know it. You have to accept it as true. I won't let you go on believing, lying to yourself for whatever stupid reason - you have to accept one thing Caroline – and that is that I will take you as long as you'll have me. That I love you so desperately it hurts." She managed one final defiant look into Caroline's eyes and put on her coat.

Caroline was silent, simmering. Confused by her own conflicted feelings.

Eleanor placed her palm flat at the center of Caroline's chest. "Fine. Be silent. But you're going to accept this. I'll be leaving my heart behind tonight. And you're going to take it. It's too late for anything else, and you've actually had it all along. You know that's true - and you just won't admit it." Eleanor closed her eyes. "But you will understand what it means to have responsibility for it. You will understand that. You will understand the fool you've made of me. Weighing my love and my devotion, deciding if it has the heft to deserve yours in return. You'll think about that, while you're deciding what you're going to ' _do next_.'"

Caroline nodded dumbly. Eleanor turned as fresh tears streamed down her face and walked out. She closed the door gently behind her and a wall of deafening silence descended through the house.


	58. Chapter 58

Caroline was miserable on her way to Oxford on Saturday morning. What caught up with her most, equally to her temper, was her pride. And her inability to understand how to begin patching things up after her temper did get the best of her. She wanted Eleanor back already. She was angry - very angry. But that didn't matter. Eleanor mattered. And she hadn't heard a thing from the other woman for three days. Days had begun to feel like months, and the more that passed, the more she feared that the time between them would calcify, form a wall to distance them from each other forever. And forever was far too long a time to be without those tempting, adoring brown eyes.

At least Eleanor hadn't rescinded Caroline's invite to her annual Christmas party. She hadn't been in touch with Caroline at all, actually. Every time her phone buzzed, her heart did as well. It was never Eleanor. Though her text messages were still filled with Flora and Greg selfies. Over the past months she'd begun to demand he send more. Over the past week she'd almost begun to resent them again.

She came back to herself at Gillian's recriminations turned sharper at the other end of the line.

"Caroline have you ever had a word that came to the tip of your tongue that you didn't say?" Gillian sighed at the other end of the line. Caroline was driving south through a bright sunshine and gleaming drifts of winter snow that had nothing in common with her mood.

"What I might have said is far less important than what Eleanor did."

"Well see that's where you're wrong, as far as relationships go. Jesus, Caroline - when it comes to people, somehow, you're just – well you're rather thick, aren't you?"

"I'm absolutely not thick, when it comes to people. You don't get to be a head of school by an inability to read people."

"Ah yeah. Your job. Sure. But we're not talking about your, job, are we?"

"Deciding whom to trust is not relative to the situation. And I don't know that I can trust her." Caroline got to the crux of it – in her mind at least.

"Oh piss, Caroline. It's not about trust. Well, it is, but it's not about trusting Eleanor. Everyone fucks up, Caroline. Everyone. Even you. Perhaps you'd like to revisit how you and Kate hit the skids for a number of months? I'd say that was a real cock up, on your part."

"But I never _lied_ to Kate, Gillian."

"Did Eleanor lie to you?"

"No – no – but she, withheld things." Caroline dug for more reasons to be right.

"Nah, not really. I mean, she did things best she knew how, and she did 'em in a way you wouldn't 'have. And I think that bothers you, some."

"Ah, yes, Gillian, in fact I would not have resorted to blackmail."

"Well what did the wanker do, anyway? I remember you whining about him for ages. Seems like whatever else has happened, you're shut of him."

"Gillian - it's not about Evan and what he has or hasn't done. I just can't condone what Eleanor did."

"And since she did something you wouldn't have, in a way you wouldn't have, well, then chuck her, right?"

"I didn't say that."

"I'm not sure 'exactly what it is you are saying, Caroline."

"I don't know, Gillian. I don't know what I'm saying, or doing. After these past two years, I mean - Jesus - these past four years - I don't know anything. I just want something solid. Predictable. I want something that won't shift under my feet or disappear. I want something…" Caroline's animated hand gestures bounced around the Jeep and she ended with a good smack to the steering wheel.

"Sure, yeah, 'course you do, Caroline. And all things considered, it's understandable. We all want that. But keep dreaming." Gillian laughed, a bit harshly. "What you really want, seems to me, is someone that'll be there for you when all the shit does keep changing. Seems like maybe Eleanor's been clear about her position on that."

Caroline leaned her elbow against the driver door and her forehead in her hand, vacant blue stare at the passing cars. "Yep."

* * *

She parked outside William's flat at half noon and collected him for what was basically meant to be a grown-up 'mummy and me' day. She was sad for the circumstance but glad to be spending more time on the campuses, familiar sights, smells, sounds and memories of days spent in academia and pursuit of theories and equations and the future. Whatever might be inconvenient now being so much less important than what was to come.

They'd planned a day of libraries and walks, and the weather held for them. She left William back at his flat, planning to pick him up in the morning and bring him home for winter break. She headed off to meet Jackie Lassiter for dinner.

* * *

"Hey you!" Jackie stood and flagged Caroline down, oblivious as ever to anything surrounding her.

Caroline nodded, smiled, unwrapped her scarf on the way over to the table and draped her coat over the chair. Jackie stood and enveloped her in a hug.

"Hi there."

"I'm so glad you emailed. Lovely – just lovely to see you again!" Jackie sat and scooted her chair back up to the table with a clunk, and readjusted her glasses that had slid down her nose in the jostle.

"It is good to see you. I'm glad we'll have a proper chance to catch up." Caroline's crinkled her eyes with a smile. She remembered how Jackie's effusive outward nature somehow made her feel calmer in contrast.

"I thought maybe I'd indulge and order a drink or something, but I'm clueless when it comes to alcohol, so I thought I'd wait for you." Jackie gave a cursory glance at the drink menu and passed it over to Caroline – waiting for Caroline to take charge. Things can change so much – and not at all, mused Caroline, remembering the other woman's willingness to let her take charge, to trust her judgment completely. _'Am I here to - just - remember? What am I doing here?'_

Caroline gave the paper a cursory glance, already knowing she wanted a Manhattan. She looked up at Jackie and narrowed her eyes. "Hi-ball for you."

"Oh what's that? Something exotic?" Jackie's eyes widened.

"Mmmm, not so much. Whiskey and ginger-ale. Named after the glass, more than the drink, I think."

"Well it sounds right."

The waiter appeared and Caroline ordered drinks and an appetizer to go with, to keep things on the level.

Jackie placed her palms on the table and leaned forward. "Now. Spill – what have you been doing for the past twenty years?"

Caroline laughed. "No pressure."

"Well I know you've got a beautiful boy. And you're terribly important up in Harrogate, and there's some simple man lurking about somewhere, whom I can only guess went and broke your heart." Jackie made a scandalous face and took a sip of the drink that had recently appeared. "Oh. Good call, Caroline, this is nice." She nodded and rambled on as Caroline sat back in her chair, completely amused. "Oh – unless – " Jackie narrowed her eyes again – "you've secretly become the ingénue you always wanted to be, and you've left your plodding man behind for the life of lesbian abandon you'd always dreamed of."

Caroline coughed into her Manhattan and set it down abruptly.

"Oh." Jackie made her well-worn face of embarrassment, always accidentally nailing a situation with nothing but innocent intent, and putting everyone else off-guard. "Oh. Sorry then. I just assumed – you know – a lot of women leave that kind of thing behind at University. You know, sort of dabble before they settle down. And you, kids and all." She touched the bridge of her glasses and trailed off.

"Ah. Well." Caroline was at a loss for words. "Let's just talk about you for a moment, Jackie." Self-preservation was one of the few motivations Caroline had for asking others personal questions. It wasn't always about being self-centered. Sometimes she just gave others the space to be circumspect that she herself enjoyed from time to time.

"Good – right – well you, know – professor. Here at Oxford. Have been forever, been climbing the great ladder of academia, so to speak. Lowliest of creatures – the adjunct – all the way up to tenure."

"Congratulations." Caroline tipped her glass in salute and found a way back into the conversation. "And yes. I have one beautiful boy – two, actually - and the loveliest little girl on earth to round things out."

"You've been busy." Jackie raised her eyebrows.

"I can only claim credit for two. The girl – she's all Kate – my wife." Caroline looked down again, and in a rare moment of social insight Jackie remained quiet and sipped her drink. "Kate – was - my wife. We weren't married very long, she's passed away. About a year and a half, it's been now."

"Oh dear. I'm terribly sorry." Jackie frowned, as Caroline remembered she was wont to do, at life itself when it was unnecessarily cruel.

Caroline marveled at how she'd grown to hate those words, 'I'm sorry,' when it came to Kate. Though she genuinely did appreciate the sentiment.

"Anyway." Caroline put a smile back on her face. "The boys – their father, John, was – is, a writer."

Jackie's eyes lit up. "Published?"

"Yes – once. It did quite well. His full name is Elliott – John Elliott.

Now Jackie's face turned from curiosity to horror. "Oh no – no Caroline – not that John Elliott. Dear god – the only thing more self-important and overblown than Elliott himself is his horrid writing. Or, over-writing, I should say."

Caroline grinned. "I have to say I agree - even when we were still married."

"So you left him for another woman?"

"On the contrary – he left me for another woman."

"Typical."

"And what about you?" Caroline tilted her head and leaned forward.

"A couple good gos, here and there. But being a professor, it's been difficult. You know we don't always get to pick where we go. And if there's any hope of tenure, anywhere, well, you know we take it. I've been terribly lucky – out of the ordinary, really – to settle in here."

"Or very brilliant, if I recall. And I've a good memory. I'm quite sharp myself." It didn't seem like bragging when Caroline flattered herself in front of Jackie, who was perhaps one of the most intelligent women she'd ever met.

"I've my own good memory, and I agree." Jackie smiled. "There's a woman I've been off and on with for about five years. She's over in Heidelberg, right now. Associate in German literature. She's awfully intimidating. But I'm nuts about her."

"Well good for you. I hope it works out."

* * *

There wasn't a quiet moment between them as they finished the meal and another round of cocktails. Caroline was glad to be in good spirits and beginning to understand what Jane meant - that friends really are the best part of life. There was still a lingering – something – with Jackie, but it had faded into a sense of comfortable intimacy that urged Caroline to be more forthright than she was usually. Neither willing to call it a night, they ordered cappuccino and the pace of the conversation slowed. She stepped into the moment.

"Jackie – before we go – I want to say something." Caroline was nervous about this part, but she'd made up her mind. And Jackie's good spirit was infectious. She felt she might say anything to her.

"Oh. My. Sounds rather serious." Jackie gave a little bob of her head and adjusted her thick glasses.

"Not really. In a way. But – I just wanted to apologize. For what happened between us. At school. I – I took advantage, I think. Of the very good person you were – are. And I never owned up to it."

Jackie smiled and waved her hand. "Oh – pish. We were young. You know – kids. Before one really knows what it means to have a piece of responsibility for someone else's feelings. There's nothing to forgive." Caroline was glad to hear it, but remembered too that Jackie would usually forgive her anything.

Caroline looked down, worried at the rim of her saucer, thought about the nature of forgiveness and what it meant to consider other's feelings before your own. How easy that seemed to be for Jackie. "Right." She looked back up and smiled. Reached over and grabbed Jackie's hand on the table and gave it a squeeze. "Well I'm sorry anyway. Because you're fantastic, and I was lucky to have you as a friend."

Jackie blushed from the tips of her hair to the tips of her toes.

They parted with a hug and a smile. But as Caroline drove home her smile and her good mood faded. She wasn't eager for the week ahead. She did know what it meant to be responsible for someone else's feelings. And she knew she had to talk to Eleanor - though she had no idea, when, where, how, or what to say.


	59. Chapter 59

Despite her resolutions, Caroline had lost her nerve. The next week came and went without a word to or from Eleanor. Now it was Saturday night. The Christmas party. She'd made Jane come with her, and that had helped. Still, as they stood on the doorstep, she'd rarely felt so self-conscious. Earlier she'd put on first what she considered her most seductive dress, the black one she'd worn to Eleanor's the night they'd had dinner and danced and - fallen in love. But who wore full-length black gown to a Christmas party? It had trying too hard written all over it. She'd settled on a pencil-length navy number that didn't spare the cleavage, which she hoped said, 'irresistible' and 'I'm not desperate' all at the same time.

The door opened and Caroline pulled in her stomach, arched her back just a little, and touched an earring. But the effect of the pose was certainly lost on June.

"Miss. Ummm. Caroline." The girl's discomfort chilled Caroline and saddened her. She pulled her pashmina more tightly around her shoulders. She wanted to bolt for the car.

Of course it didn't take Jane a second to clock the body language, and the woman clamped a hand on her elbow. She leaned down to whisper in Caroline's ear, " _You're not going anywhere_ ," then addressed the teenager. "June. Hullo. Happy Christmas."

June stepped to the side and waved them in. "Happy Christmas to you. Come in!"

She took their coats and walked them into the living room, alive with at least a hundred happy guests. It had been cleared and Eleanor had brought in the small upright piano from the study. Lily was playing away happily. White Christmas lights and little more twinkled in the living room and cast a warm glow over the well-adorned tree and the wintry scene.

June nodded at Jane and pulled her away. "There's someone I think you'd like to talk to. She's my favorite person in the world, and Mum says you two are going to strike it right off." Across the way, Caroline saw Zoe catch Jane's eye with a smile.

 _'Eleanor did say she repaid her debts.'_ Caroline stood alone in the entry. She scanned the crowd. No Eleanor. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and headed straight for the bar.

* * *

A half-hour later, she walked out of the kitchen with her second scotch and stopped to talk to Meg, one of Eleanor's friends she'd met months ago at an Oxford happy hour. Lily was really getting into it on the piano, mixing traditional carols with improvised seasonal compositions all her own and jazz standards. There was a warm glow and a warm roar of a crowd in full festivity. But Caroline felt only anxiety and longing. She felt as though all of the party, all of her life were happening on the other side of a hazy pane of glass. She still hadn't even had a word with Eleanor.

"Caroline, Jill and I would really, really love to have you two over for dinner – soon – next month." Meg smiled at her warmly. "Eleanor goes on and on about you. I can see why."

Caroline leaned forward to catch the conversation above the noise, then glanced over at Eleanor laughing with another guest across the room. "Does she?" She smiled back, her face feeling numb and tight. "Dinner sounds lovely." _'If we're still together.'_ It wasn't the kind of sentiment you added during polite holiday chat, but the question was at the back of her mind every second of this party that she didn't want to be at - and couldn't stand to leave. When would she see Eleanor again? The chaos of the holidays... it would be so easy for it all to just slip away.

Meg smiled. "It sounds lovely. And we _will_ be seeing you soon."

She nodded and sighed as the stout woman walked off. Why was she even here? What did she hope could possibly happen? She again considered leaving. She'd done her part, shown her good faith. At this point watching Eleanor so merry and bright, from across the room, was torture. Watching other women talk to her. A gentle hand laid on a shoulder, a smile turned up to ten and not for Caroline.

As she saw Eleanor speak with other women, she began to worry that she might be seeing them and thinking how _their_ eyes might be lovely. How they might be wide and brown, or bright and green, perhaps more inviting than her steel blue, and leave Eleanor thinking that they were more deserving of attention than Caroline's. Perhaps other women were looking right back - and of course losing themselves in the kindness and warmth and sweet burnt caramel of Eleanor's gaze.

She started as that abominable woman, Catherine, roughly hooked her arm and dragged her from the buffet. She recovered from surprise enough to trail behind.

Catherine smiled wickedly. "It's Christmas. I get a Christmas wish. Tonight, it's you."

Caroline scowled thunderously. "Excuse me?"

Catherine stopped below the mistletoe at the vaulted entry and pointed upward.

Caroline frowned, stern, and shook her head. "Oh I'm afraid not." She shoved the other woman off, and made up her mind about leaving.

"Am I interrupting?" Eleanor appeared from nowhere.

Catherine took her time unwinding from Caroline.

"Oh not at all. And truly – Eleanor – you're taste is always top shelf."

Caroline's temper exploded as her perfect excuse to lose control leered at her.

Eleanor stepped between them and placed a hand on Caroline's shoulders to guide her away. "She's harmless."

"Easy for you to say."

"Not at all, in fact." Eleanor placed a hand at the small of Caroline's back, but only for a second. "Let's get you another drink." Caroline walked on toward the bar, and looked over her shoulder, hoping to thank her, to have at least a word. But she'd disappeared again already. And the fleeting touch that set her on edge and eased her every worry hadn't nearly lingered long enough.

Fine. She couldn't handle this another minute. She strutted back to the entryway and began riffling through the over-stuffed coat closet, but stopped when Lily gave an assertive ching-a-ling and the din of the crowd tapered off. Eleanor made her way over to the piano and a few of the guests let out a hardy cheer and a couple whistles. Caroline made her way back into the crowded living room.

Eleanor gave the slightest of bows as a robust cheer went up. "Okay. Okay. It's time for the Strathclyde ladies to deliver our annual duet. Lily on the piano, as always, and I handle the vocals. After that - the rest is up to you."

"All I Want for Christmas," came a shout from the back of the room.

"WAY out of my range. Get real." Eleanor waved her hand and smiled.

"Christmas Waltz!"

"We did that one last year."

"We know. Encore!"

"Nope – we've been practicing. I've chosen this particularly... In the hopes it might work some Christmas magic." Eleanor winked at the crowd and sat on the bench next to her daughter as the introductory bars began. A few more cheers and whistles, libations and holiday cheer having significantly warmed the evening.

Caroline stood rooted, curious. She'd heard Eleanor playfully sing a couple of lines hilariously off-key with Lily to the radio here and there. She'd never actually heard her sing. Didn't really even know she did. In public much less.

The crowd quieted further as Eleanor's voice rose over the soft strains of the piano.

"Maybe it's much too early in the game, ah but I thought I'd ask you just the same… What are you doing, New Years Eve?"

Caroline's train of thought came to a screeching halt. _'My god. She - she's got a beautiful voice. She can sing – like really sing. How did I miss that? It's so familiar. Sounds like, ummm…'_

"Wonder whose arms, will hold you good and tight…when it's exactly, twelve-o-clock that night..."

Now her conscious thought caught up with her amazement as she realized Eleanor was making very intentional eye contact with her, and she refocused on the song, trying to consider it and not just Eleanor's smooth, deep, and incredibly seductive voice. _'I could listen to her sing all night. It's like – like catching a chill while you're completely covered in warm honey. Perhaps how drinking hot cocoa 'sounds.' Yes – that's who it is - she sounds just like that American – from the 70's, died. Sang with her brother… They've got a whole Christmas album…. I suppose, you might have guessed, from her speaking voice. But – '_

"Maybe I'm crazy to suppose, I'd ever be the one you chose… out of a thousand invitations, you receive."

She realized a few other jealous guests had also caught sight of Eleanor's focus, and snuck glances her way. She flushed from her roots to her toes. Eleanor kept singing and though Caroline wanted the song to end so she could go to her, she never wanted it to end. She managed to hold the other woman's gaze for more than a second just once, but quickly looked away as thoughts hot enough to light the house on fire licked the walls of her flustered mind.

"Ah but in case I'd stand one little chance… here comes the jackpot question in advance… what're you doing, New Year - New Year's Eve?"

The song tapered off and the final bars concluded. Caroline cleared her throat and finished her scotch. She wanted Eleanor. Wholly. Compulsively. Immediately. All the loneliness and distance and wanting of the past week came crashing together violently. She'd never had anyone apologize, or at least reach out for an apology in quite such a vulnerable way. The effect was likely exactly what Eleanor had planned.

Back at the piano, Eleanor stood to happy applause, blushed, and gave a slight bow. "Alright. I've started it off. Lily's accepting requests!"

The crowd became vociferous and finally someone won out and the piano started up again. Caroline had stopped paying attention as Eleanor slowly made her way over to her. She'd moved back to a corner to avoid any intervening chit chat.

Eleanor looked completely earnest and vulnerable. Timid, even. "So… I sing – sometimes. At parties. Particularly the Christmas party. It's a tradition. I hope you weren't terribly embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?" Caroline was flabbergasted. "My god, Eleanor, why don't you sing all the time? Why don't you sing while you're walking down the street - or taking out the trash?"

"Well it did embarrass Emma. She never liked it, and I don't think I ever really got over that. But Lily and I really enjoy singing together. When no one's around. I asked her if I could solo this year – I sort of, em, had you in mind." Eleanor's head was tilted down and she looked up through shy eyes. "Was it alright - that I sang it to - for - you? I don't know where we are. I didn't hear from you. I wondered if maybe you'd realized you _can't_ take me as I am. I don't know what's going to happen to us. But I meant it - the song."

She had never known Eleanor to be so needlessly self-conscious, and it was the last thing she should be. She also realized that her actions over the past weeks had had the effect of shaming this woman, damaging something that she'd had no right to. She wanted to fix it, fix every part of them. Right now.

She put on an innocent smile, and leaned in to whisper in Eleanor's ear. "Meet me in your room – now - as soon as you can slip away." She lowered her voice even further and brought her lips right to warm, soft, skin. "Don't make me wait for you, Eleanor." She brushed a hand across her hip and made a point of stopping at the bar before heading up the stairs, making occasional eye contact with a guest but never glancing back.

* * *

Caroline was fussing with her hair in the mirror when she finally saw Eleanor sneak through the doorway of the master. She waited as the other woman clicked the door shut and then turned, expression stern but very promising. They could still hear the vibrant party below. The room was similarly lit to the living room, Christmas lights twinkling in the dim.

She stalked forward and hooked her hands on either side of Eleanor's turned up collars. She pulled her forward for a forceful kiss and her hands traveled up to either side of her face, then dropped her hands possessively down the front of her burgundy shirt. She leaned back as she began to unbutton it and looked up into Eleanor's curious but brightly sparkling eyes. Caroline's tone was deadly serious. "That is the most seductive thing you have ever done."

"Well that's saying something." Eleanor smiled. Caroline yanked both of their shirts untucked and stripped them off.

"Now?" Eleanor's eyebrow arched. "Not that this wasn't what I was going - "

Caroline stopped her with a kiss. "Right now. Very much right now. Please stop talking. We can talk later. I'm in a rush." Her heart couldn't seem to find the right rhythm in her chest, and she wasn't sure if she ever wanted it to.

"I make it a point to never, never argue with any woman with her hands - " Eleanor inhaled sharply, "- where your hands are."

Caroline looked up.

"Sorry. By any woman I mean you. You're very distracting."

She tossed Eleanor's dark chocolate brown trousers, belt still looped, to the floor. She was almost stopped in her tracks by the full matching lingerie set and more importantly, Eleanor in them. Almost. She pushed her down. Eleanor fell back against the pillows and descended into breathless laughter and a few stray happy tears. Caroline was assertive and Eleanor's response was not far behind.

* * *

"Alright." Caroline looked all business as she emerged from the en-suite, fluffing her hair and smoothing the front of her navy cocktail dress. She tugged at the wide belt at her waist, reached down and picked up her scarlet pashmina from the floor and re-draped it over her shoulders. "Borrowed a bit of lipstick, if you don't mind." She looked down at her watch. "I'm sure we've hardly even been noticed."

Eleanor smirked and finished buttoning her shirt, tugged at her cuffs. "Hardly." The sound of caroling and revelry was still loud from the rooms below. She'd gotten Caroline where she wanted her. Now it was up to the other woman to finish the job, to finish making things right. But the object of her desperate affections only nodded and turned to leave.

"Caroline." Eleanor's tone froze her in her tracks, and that's just what she'd meant. Now was the horrid talking part of making up. Sex wouldn't take them very far, because this wasn't about a disagreement about an over-done roast at dinner. And Eleanor was finished with this particular nasty cycle. "Do you think we have anything we might need to talk about?"

Caroline clapped her arms to her sides. "No."

It was a turnabout. Usually Eleanor was the one who hated talking. She said what she needed to with her body. She remained quiet. _'Careful. She's looking for any reason to be angry at you right now, instead of hurt and terrified.'_

"Yes. I suppose I want to clear the air." Caroline sat on the bed and smoothed her skirt. "You scared me badly. In more ways than one."

"Okay."

"And you hurt me. And I'd really become quite tired of feeling those things. When we first – started - dating, they seemed like the only things in my life. Fear and hurt. And it was so nice, to be with you and not to feel them for a while."

"Okay."

"I don't want to be scared of you. And I'm not sure how to work that."

"I'm sorry, Caroline." Eleanor let her apology reflect in her eyes. "I'm sorry that you're feeling those things, that perhaps I've disappointed you. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. And I hope you can find a way to separate the good fear from the bad. We're good together. We're really, really good together, even when we're bad. And I'm committed to you. To this. But not if it's going to an endless cycle of your anger and my inability to do anything but forgive you."

"I know you are. I do. I know that, Eleanor - I want that as well."

"Okay."

"But I can't make myself forget. I can't just stop knowing what's happened. That your actions surprised me so much."

"I'm not asking you to forget, Caroline. I'm asking you to forgive." Eleanor offered the suggestion gently.

"Oh. Right. I see."

She couldn't help but smile, despite herself. Her tone was even softer. "Have you never been forgiven, by someone you'd hurt, badly?"

Caroline sighed and tears spilled. "Of course I have. More than once. And forgiven for something much worse than doing the wrong thing for the right reason. Just this week, I've been forgiven for taking someone's heart for granted. And I think that's worse."

"Might _you_ find a way to forgive _me_ , then?"

Caroline nodded. "I can, forgive you. Yes. And I – do. That's all I can do, isn't it? Forgive."

Eleanor nodded. _'She's getting there. Come on, Caroline.'_

"It's all I want to do, Eleanor. Forgive you - and perhaps, start learning how to trust you - more."

"Oh Caroline." She stepped forward, arms at her sides, and leaned toward her, almost forcing Caroline to put her arms around her.

She rested her head next to Eleanor's. "I'm sorry too."

They stood for a moment, and Eleanor pulled back. She closed her eyes, chin tilted down. She brought her hands up to rest on Caroline's forearms, leaned forward until their heads met again.

"We're okay."

"We're okay."

They were still together as the house murmured cheer around them.

"What happens next?" Caroline looked at Eleanor.

"I don't know. I think we might need, though, to agree that we'll start giving each other the benefit of the doubt, when things get tight? I'm awfully tired of this pattern we've got going on – maybe it's time we tried a new approach." Eleanor assessed her further. "Tried a little bit of that elusive trust on for size. A little commitment. No more chucking me out when you're upset?"

Caroline nodded, looking a little shell shocked and tears in her eyes. This time Eleanor was ready to forgive, hopelessly unable to withstand the remorse and the loss in the other woman's expression."Perhaps we can breathe deeply for a moment – and just try - to live into the answers. Together."

Caroline's eyes studied Eleanor's face and she moved to tuck a strand of Eleanor's hair behind her ear. She paused with her hand mid-tuck and slowly ran her fingers down the silky auburn lock, all the way to her chest, before letting it go. She tilted her head and looked at Eleanor intently. Her blue eyes narrowed just a bit and something seemed to click into place behind them, like a tumbler in a lock. It took Eleanor's breath away.

"I love you Eleanor. I trust you."

"I love you too, Caroline."

"Is that going to be enough - for us - to stay, us?"

"We'll make it enough. For now."


	60. Chapter 60

Eleanor stopped at Caroline's on her way home from work on Christmas Eve. She'd begged off early from Anadyne in the hopes she might get to spend at least a moment with Caroline before she got home to the girls to start Christmas celebrating in earnest. June was prepping the roast and she was sure Zoe and Lily were up to something she wouldn't want to miss.

She was delighted to see a full house and Caroline surrounded by family, disappointed they wouldn't have a chance for – quality time. Or that they hadn't found a time to bring everyone together. It didn't feel quite right, yet. But by next Christmas she looked forward to the holiday dinner needing at least two tables. She came in for a cup of tea and a chance to say hello – and with the number of people in the house, really only hello – to the clan.

* * *

An hour later, Caroline looked over to Eleanor, recognized that the afternoon was wearing on. She took her hand and led her to the entry. "You've got to be getting home." Her smile was reluctant and she leaned in to kiss Eleanor, savoring it and pulling back as she started to get lost in it. Missing her already and looking forward to their next chance to connect.

Caroline produced a small box and a card from the side table in the entry. Eleanor smiled. "Thanks." She kissed Caroline again and leaned up to her ear. "I've left something on the bureau in the bedroom." She smiled broadly and took Caroline's cheek in one hand and met her eyes directly. "Merry Christmas, darling." She stole one more kiss and walked out the door.

* * *

Eleanor wondered the entire way home and the rest of the evening at the package in the pocket of her winter coat. She was quick about seeing June and Lily to bed, but gave them solid hugs and happy Christmas wishes before she closed the door to her room and set the box on her dresser.

It was flat, square, wrapped in thick golden paper. Red velvet ribbon, card tucked into the bow. She pulled out the card and turned it in her hands, Christmas lights glowing around her. She slid her finger at the closure and gently opened it. It was white, embossed with a golden present, bow at the top, much like the box accompanying it.

She opened the card.

 _"'Since I've been so terribly lucky that you've already given me your heart, I thought perhaps – I hoped that perhaps - you might hold onto mine.' – xo, C"_

Eleanor could not help it as happy tears filled her eyes, and she turned her attention to Caroline's gift. Undid the ribbon and the wrapping paper. On top of burgundy tissue paper was a small, gold, heart-shaped locket on a matching gold chain. Her tears spilled over and she opened it. The picture of the two of them in Leeds, Christmas lights barely visible in the background.

 _'It's perfect, isn't it?'_ Eleanor slipped the chain around her neck and did the clasp. She closed eyes and wrapped her hand around it as it rested on her chest.

* * *

Caroline closed the door to her bedroom, worn thin from an entire night with the entire family, but happy enough as she considered the year overall, as one often does on Christmas Eve. She leaned back against the door, slipped off her heels and looked over to see what Eleanor had left her.

A square, flat, box wrapped in thick burgundy paper and tied with a broad and creamy white grosgrain ribbon sat atop an envelope on her bureau.

Thoroughly well-trained, Caroline opened the card first. It was a painted winter scene, a field of snow in the back and a tree at the foreground, two small red birds fluffed against the cold next to each other on a branch.

She opened the card itself. _"'I hope you'll never stop saying yes to me.' – always, your Eleanor"_

Caroline smiled broadly, now more curious about the gift, warmth running through her body and a slight buzz in her head. She savored the weight of the paper and the texture of the ribbon, setting the wrapping on the bureau and now holding a periwinkle velveteen box, "H" embossed in a white square in the middle.

She opened the lid, picked up a small, square card of heavy white stock inked in periwinkle.

Bespoke  
Heming  
London

Underneath was a heavy sterling silver infinity loop pendant on a smooth and matching chain.

 _'It's perfect, isn't it?'_ Eyes shining, Caroline set down the box and removed the pearl solitaire she'd had on. She gently picked up the gift and affixed the clasp behind her neck. A little more than an inch in length, the pendant of the necklace lay nearly flat, but the contours of the loop gave it slight lift and dimension just below the hollow of her throat. It was simple, but had weight and substance to it. She felt the cool metal begin to warm against her skin. She clasped a hand around it and smiled shyly, but proudly, to herself.

 _'Thank you, Eleanor - for everything. Merry Christmas.'_

* * *

 _ **Fin.**_


End file.
